Moos n Muses

let's go

2010-11-25T23:24:00.002+08:00

i don't mind going if there is a place to go.

that's always the issue, isn't it. because we'd never really know. but at least, do know what i want?

restless

2010-11-23T23:01:00.002+08:00

in search of sanity, or insanity, whichever will make me feel better.

common sense, i don't know what is that, or how it is made. ever changing, so its never common.

restlessness is a very apt word.

here and there

2010-11-13T21:24:00.002+08:00

doesn't mind doesn't mean doesn't matter.

one of the things i came to learn through a friend.

and, loving someone and wanting to protect them may not make them happy.

i am still bothered. when and how will this change?

passion, elusive

2010-09-20T22:54:00.002+08:00

beneath the pile of 'realities', obligations and shoulds, lie passion, barely breathing. waiting, that one day you would acknowledge it, say it is real and let it live again.

right now, it is injured beyond recognition, and i wonder.. would it die, and never come back? and this fear could drive me further from it, the fear of losing it.

does everyone have a passion? are they born with it? and along the way something triggered it. is it like that?

the things i once believed i love; i'm not so sure anymore. again and again, i wonder if i'm good enough in what i like, and if i'm not, will i persevere? do we need talent and perseverance to birth passion?

to die or live.

2010-06-20T21:16:00.000+08:00

it's intriguing.

how sometimes you would die for someone, but not live with them.

dried from oversqueezing

2010-05-29T13:18:00.002+08:00

i want to write something now that i am so free and this was what i said i wanted to do. of course i hope whatever was churned out can generate money in addition to providing satisfaction. however, due to reasons unknown to me, i could not squeeze something out. i felt extremely dry. am i doing it the wrong way? working backward? hmph.!

somewhere in my life, have i locked all my imagination and threw the key away because reality was laughing at me and my imagination? have i been so successful in conforming that i no longer dared to dream anymore?

when it's a stress to become myself, i know i've got it wrong. i am already me, what's there to become? sheesh. i think i will not repeat this to myself once i fully believe it. :)

like, sad.

2010-05-20T12:35:00.001+08:00

i don't like me now and its a sad thing.

perfect

2010-04-10T00:23:00.001+08:00

what is your perfect girl (or woman) like?

for me, there is no perfect girl, woman, boy or man. and last time i might have said there is a perfect one for you or me. but now, i don't think i can see that either. there is a special one for you and me, but he or she is not perfect, and neither is the match. nothing would fit perfectly, but i believe it is the effort in clicking, in closing up the gaps, in compromising for love, that the relationship is made whole, and maybe, perfect. Perfect, not because there are no problems, but you have found someone worth working through the problems with. And at certain points, overlook it, accept it, embrace it.

people perceive perfection differently. perfection, like beauty, lies in the eye of the beholder. but we just need to bear in mind, that people surprise us all the time. are you ready to be surprised?

remember the titans

2010-03-17T22:47:00.002+08:00

i've watched it before, and i could watch it again.

remember the titans.

i'm surprised it can still touch me, make me smile, inspire. and remind me that the hardest barrier to break still needs a first step, and it could happen in a way no one expected or imagined. a simple move perhaps. a willingness to open up. being honest, listening, and swallowing own pride. to make the first laugh, sincerely.

to not let stigma or prejudice add needles into what you hear. to look beyond and see the human inside.

i'll try to remember the titans.

welcome to my heart

2010-02-08T00:17:00.001+08:00

and in church I realised, that God would much rather be welcomed into our hearts, than into the most fancy of churches, because the door of our hearts are so much more precious to Him.

thank You for making me feel special, loved and precious. For I know You cared more for the condition of my heart, than the fame of the church. My willingness to open the door when You knock. I wanted so much to give You the permission to break down the door when I am just so stubborn, but You .. I think You want me to open it myself. Because You gave me the choice. In life's journey, in my relationship with You, You wouldn't want me to be a passive bystander, You want me to be actively involved; in the decision-making, in the actions, in the results. You want me to be part of it, Your great plan, to own it, and the only way is to be responsible, to make choices. Again and again.

forgive, not forget

2010-02-08T00:03:00.003+08:00

i'm finding that the hardest person to forgive is myself. i've done wrong, i've spoken too fast, and though no one says anything against me, i hate myself for saying it. instead of apologising, i do what i believe many of us do; treat like nothing has happened, and maybe be a little nicer to those who just got bombed. no one blames me. i believe everyone forgave me, even God. so i try to forgive myself, but the scene replays in my head.

we are forgiven. so let's forgive ourselves too.

i don't know if its possible to forget, or if we should even try, but forgiveness is definitely possible.

tending the heart

2010-02-07T23:40:00.002+08:00

i'm sitting and lying down, thinking, getting confused. but i think it is the thinking that caused confusion, so it's alright. if i get confused, it means i'm thinking.

today seemed eventful. little sis has gone back to hometown. a part may be relieved that there is no more shopping ( i have realised i'm not really a shopper, i don't think i like it all that much. at least, i don't think so now). but i do feel a little empty. maybe i felt i have not done enough for her. that's my signature feeling. that i regret and think i have not given my best after the time has gone.

but what evoked more emotions was the fscc service today. pastor dorai took the stage, talked about hearts (again, hearts!). the soilless, the rocky soil, the thorny soil, the good soil. i am the thorny soil. i remember putting my status in fb; thorned. that was my cross between torn and hurt, but apparently it meant more to me than that. yes, my heart is that soil with thorns, which grew and choked God's presence in me. i hear His words yet the worries and cares of this world suffocates His word, and i flail. i think and think and sometimes try to depend on myself to solve certain matters, but i forget that He is here, and asking for His help doesn't make me helpless and useless, but wiser.

hearts, hearts, hearts. last week it was about how precious my heart is to Him, that He yearns to enter when He knocks ,when i open the door. this week i learn that i need to close the door to many things of the world, else my heart would be too crowded and He wouldnt' have enough space in my heart. i'm going to make Him an exclusive guest. He's going to be my VIP. of course, i need to let others in too. but it's really time to filter the guest list.

this is the first in a long time where i do want to step out of my seat to the front. and without waiting for anyone else to make the first move. thorns of bitterness and sadness needs to be pulled out. it was silly to keep the thorns that are hurting me, but humans do silly things all the time. the words that i have spoken somehow reflect the bitterness in me, and i hate myself for saying certain things. but i have spoken them, and speech is free but to retract them is impossible. i need to remind myself to make good use of my tongue, and my brain, to think before i speak.

i don't want to have the last say but get hurt by my own words in the end. and worse, hurt others. having the last say doesn't make me a winner. needing to have the last say only shows i am defensive, that i am not secure and assured enough to keep silent.

4 soils, 2 responses and 1 secret. leave it to pastor dorai to speak of soil, having been an expert in forestry. =) 3 does not bear fruit, 1 does. these are the response; to bear fruit or not. and the secret to convert these unfruitful soil to a fruitful one? HONESTY. an honest heart. to cry out to God that there are thorns, rocks, stones that is hindering the growth. to ask Him to pull and pick them out. to be willing. to admit. it takes courage to be vulnerable.

i've been living life on the surface, without any real roots to keep me safe. now i've decided, i want to grow roots. and since the soil of my heart is full of thorns, i'm gonna ask the Gardener to help me out. clear these thorns so i can bear fruit again. and though these thorns will keep coming, if the Gardener stays with me, i'm sure we can tackle it. i'd better prepare Him room. i'm hoping He's staying for good.

hope for the lost

2010-01-22T09:33:00.002+08:00

i hope each time i'm lost, i'd find something new.

i'm always lost; be it in career, on roads, in life. but i'm learning that each time i'm lost, i try to find a way to where i intend to go. it's scary when i'm alone, i prefer to have company. but i tend to rely on my companion and let go much of my own responsibility and alertness. i will still be unsure of that path if i need to take it again, alone. but i know He knows, when to send me alone, when i need a friend, but He is always with me.

His grace is for the lost. for people like me. it is a fact but i feel it so much more when i am lost and am finding my way back. i'm reminding myself to be brave to be lost.

(there is an urge to cancel that last sentence, for i felt it may be used against me in many situations)

grapes.

2010-01-15T23:20:00.001+08:00

planting grapes is a profession that never goes out of style.

remind me 2009

2010-01-09T01:29:00.000+08:00

i've got to remember before i forget.

2009. if i don't try to capture the bits now, 2010 might fly by and before i know it, i'd be stumped to think what happened 2010.

so here's a quick run (i may miss some, or more) though i am dead tired.
-the suffering at s*****d. the loneliness. sadness. suspicion of depression. disappointment. lost. even anger. scanning, which at that time kills, but now it doesn't hurt me anymore. heck, i nearly forgot it already.
-the great escape. the freedom. the release.
-the impromptu decision to fly across the sea.
-the cool trip to cameron. very full stomachs. very many veges. very cold floor. very nice house. super yummy ice cream, and cheap too! and precious time spent with family. its not about the strawberries (by the way, we had waaaay more cucumber and tomatoes tripping back to us to taiping). and corn that burst in the mouth when you bite into it. ah the juicy one.
-the 1st time of airasia. to miri, land of unknown. the thick-faced tag along. the squeezing into the car. the plonking on bed of person yet unmet at that time. the mega kindness of friends of friend. the constant belanja. the dreaded incident (but timing was actually alright). the brunei stamp on passport. the sushi, lobster and wolverine. many pretty cars and tiled buildings. boon. =)
-flying with the wings of mas to mulu. woohoo! the tired walks but each time more than worthwhile. the jungle. :) the nice air. the fun guide. night walk. waterfall. caving. climbing. darkness. singaporeans. turtle cave. water. fear of the deep. satisfaction. joy. little snickers. leech :/ ern. paku vege (garlic, belacan). royal mulu. maggi with egg (checked price RM4 something?). the long walk. the canned food with canteen food. the bread and the toes. locked in the reading area. animals (rats?) running around. the identical bangles. cute eurasian kids who needed milo. sue.:) japanese guy. shirt with tag. the boat ride. =) the penan market. love mulu. a beautiful escape.
-miri to west. emo moments (seen). sue and i, the later ones. the night in lcct. the kesian sleep in the food court. the awake sue. the mcd breakfast porridge.
-redang. the surreal sea seen by snorkelling. surreal feeling. the long long journey. the meet up in kl. jason the guide. na si wa oo chi pak ban. volley. pee into sea (not me!). trigger fish. baby shark. weird fish that opens its mouth. penyu. sea cucumbers. jelly fish. breakfast before going to island. joann. the very blue sea. the aussie guy (nicknamed p**k c***p). the blue beach, it fluoresces! the bad sunburn. the worse heartburn. people's laughter. last night. hammock. the head bang. charis. cards and drinks.
-home in taiping. the work. the family. the business. sister's friend. the desire for something more. the wanting of being with friends. to be doing something. to find purpose. tears. lost, again. the missed sundays. excuses. running away from lp. fear of stepping out again. laziness to try. emerio, scope.
-and oct, s******e. unsure. just go. free. work, but doubt. load disliked. new people. new friends. =) some takes patience. senior left. seven to eight. thought: out of comfort zone. but now in comfort. (2010: soon eight to seven).
-christmas, brother's birthday. nice homemade chocolate cake by lil sis. 6@home. the rudeness. monster. :(
-new year's eve. many new friends. a lil talk before falling asleep.
-random: sis' car.

have i grown? what am i doing here? why had i wanted to be here? what is my passion?

death comes, it will

2009-12-28T09:47:00.000+08:00

we are all going to die. but how are we going to live? that's what matters then, right?

i am tempted to think that each day i am slowly dying, because death is inevitable. each day as time ticks by i am losing my life. but then i remember that there is another life after death, so even when we cannot avoid death, we can choose to live again. knowing there is an overcomer of death, i know i can live, by choice, and not die as i live. if i die, i die, but let me live while i can. when i live again after death, i pray there is no regrets for the time i had lived before i died.

for now, there are many regrets, many things i still wish to come true. so i am grateful for more time given; to stop being a monster, to be more of a human in God's path. i need help.

how to keep yourself safe

2009-12-24T14:59:00.000+08:00

me: i'm sorry, Lord. please don't let her get into trouble. *anxious, feeling bad. please don't let us lie.
God: then why did u think of how to lie?
me: ..... because i'm afraid. i need something to back up....
God: am i not enough?

should prayer be just one of the few ways to solve something, or is prayer the only way?

until i am desperate enough, and there is no other way, i know i will always tend to think of back ups, my own solutions - which is probably not up to His standards - to get myself out of something. when i run out of my own ways, that is when i truly and fully depend only on Him. so being totally helpless may not be a bad thing, because we may run out of ideas but never run out of God. that is why His strength shows best in our weakness. when we have nothing, He becomes our everything, and that is more than enough.

of course it's scary, i don't know how He will work! He might just expose whatever i was trying to hide, though i will be begging to be forgiven and forgotten for this time. maybe at times when such things happen, i would automatically think: He didn't answer my prayer. He didn't bail me out. but it has been said that 'No' is also an answer. as much as it hurts, i know He has my best interests at heart. (yea, i can say it now that i'm not hurting over some issue. which is why it's important to think when i am clear headed and unclouded by anger and/or pain). He would do it in His way, thank u very much. but being afraid of how He might work is better than being afraid if He might work. you've got to believe He hears you in the 1st place.

there really can only be one person holding the steering. now who do you think knows the way better? and if halfway through the journey you try to yank the steering to the direction you think is better, there is a pretty high chance of accident (think those dramas).

oh, and about the incident i was talking about? it's settled. no lies. amen. sometimes we just freak ourselves out and pitch all the safety nets (no matter how messy it is) and forget about that One who could just reach out and catch us when we fall.

antara salah & right

2009-12-17T13:22:00.000+08:00

girls are always in search of mr. right. how do we know who is?

make them wear tags. =D

today in lift, i saw mr. salah, as stated in his name tag. hehe. he was well-dressed and carried himself well. but he is not mr. betul. =P

*if mr. salah ever sees this post, i would like to clarify that i mean no insult whatsoever to him. it is an interesting name he has. and this mr. salah is someone's else's mr. right. =) that would make them both salah, but right for each other.

in search of the S

2009-12-17T08:59:00.001+08:00

i think i figured out something which probably a lot of people have already.

satisfaction is not in what i thought i liked to do, but that in doing what i liked to do, i serve a purpose that matters to me. this could explain why i tried to do that thing and still feel so restless and lost. i could not find back that enlightened, revealing moment i used to have. or even the joy and excitement. because i had concentrated so hard in the doing, i forgot why i am doing it. i thought the doing would make me happy, but it worked the other way round. i had been so expectant of that elation, i was so disappointed when i was let down.

but to be shoved to the dust, and discover something in it, makes it a worthwhile journey, or rather, experience.

i've yet to be fulfilled, but at least i know where to look now.

i've got keep my eyes on that purpose, the real desire. when i look to the right address, i can't go too far off, i hope. after all, my purpose is a Living Purpose, who actively draws and directs, so i know He is more than willing to lead me to Him.

doing is just the process, and not the end product. so, yes, it as dawned upon me. i may be slow, but i'm glad i'm moving. =)

free doggy on the road

2009-12-17T08:51:00.000+08:00

i saw a dog crossing the road yesterday.=) cute.

he (looks like a he to me) really stood at the roadside and watched and waited till the next car coming was slow enough for him to cross. what a cool dog. i don't mean to underestimate other dogs, only that i rarely see them do this. so yellow dog, you are cool. with further observation, it appears that he wanted to join his friend, another yellow dog on the other side. my hope is that they would live happily ever after and cars would be kind to them.

hide

2009-12-15T22:04:00.001+08:00

i do not know which is worse: to not know what i want to do or to know what i want to but could not do it.

i saw a friend's blog today. =) i'm glad she's writing, because it's beautiful. i'd love to be able to express myself that well, to put into words i would comprehend my feelings. yet the jumble inside.... to even start thinking about them, is a chore. but without clearing the mess, i'm in a mess. i miss her.

what i thought i liked, i can't do now. i want to run and hide again.

dinner darlings

2009-12-09T23:54:00.000+08:00

i had dinner today with the 3 nailers in klcc. it was good.=)

first of all, because i knew klcc is a killer when it comes to parking, i left the car outside the apartment and took lrt today. it's been 3 weeks or more since i travel this way; i had been pampered with a car to drive to work and back. the lrt was not as scary and troublesome as i last remembered. perhaps because it's been a while, and i chose to take this path today. so tom sawyer was right in noting: a task becomes a job when we are obliged to do it, and a hobby when we are not. something like that. and because i had something in mind, and was looking carefully on where else around klcc that i could park the car next time, i didn't notice the walk between the station to office. when i was in a rush, the stretch of road seemed so long.

next, after work, i went over to klcc, and there was four persons in front of the gingerbread house, all in black. the three girls were pulling their violins, and the guy, his instrument which i had no idea what it's called. they played well, and i remember especially a song, Cannon, my cousin's favorite. as i watched them, and looked around, i realised: music brings people together, literally, physically. as people came and stood near to watch and listen, they are coming together. it is good to have something like this to make people stop in their tracks and enjoy the moment. we've been too preoccupied with doing, we never stop sometimes.

then comes dinner. food was good, ice cream happifying (thanks cikgu for the treat :D ), and the best dessert was served beside the pool: laughter. the gruelling modelling session under the artsy director (i won't mention who, cikgu =P ) loosened us up considerably, and it was followed by matter-of-the-heart talks and encouragement. i have not laughed so hard in such a long time, and i loved it! laughter indeed mended something inside, and once again i managed a peek through my blurry vision to the good God. it reminded me of a beautiful life i had forgotten i could have.

i want to laugh again, Lord. i want to trust that where i am is where You have chosen to place me, and though i do not see nor understand, i trust You. to show my trust, i want to give my best. maybe i do not see the relevance, but You see the bigger picture. and there are more purpose You have rather than just my career. there's always more than that, something worth much more.

a friend saw my personal message, that i need revival. it struck me during the conversation; don't we constantly need revival? if i am asked to die to self daily, won't i need Him to revive me again and again?

bits n chunks

2009-12-02T23:18:00.000+08:00

be careful what you wish for. so says the some horror flick. but i wonder at times whether it's me, the situation or God. previously i complained of no work to do. this week work came piling on top of me. sure makes me think twice before i complain of having no work. the work that came wasn't my favorite: packing. and to top it off, i felt like i was getting no help! then two nights ago i prayed for divine intervention. still, an angel didn't come and zap all my work away. =) i asked an elderly lady for help, and she agreed. i guess when i pray for help, sometimes i need to ask people too. God can work in many ways.

tomorrow i'm going to bring to work a small soft toy i got from a friend in a fair. that bear is gonna share my stress by allowing me to squeeze it. i hope there is no Bear Rights Association or law that prohibits me from this cruel act.

i'm not miserable, just sometimes down. Father, is this where You want me to be? I may get busy, but i don't want to lose sight of what i really want in life. i don't want to settle down and be comfortable, and forget my dreams. i want to constantly be inspired, be motivated to move further in my life's journey. please, please don't let me hope for time to pass faster, because time is flying already. please don't let me work just for the money, and then use up the money to pay bills, shop, work to get more money....in short, please don't let life be that type of routine, that clockwork. please, inspire me. please open my heart to live each day more.

help me find my dream that is aligned to Yours for me. help me fall in love again.

the stumping question

2009-11-27T11:13:00.000+08:00

i know there's something wrong with me when i have to google 'taiping food' when my friend asked me what's good in taiping. but then, i am sure i am not the only one who was stumped when faced with that question (i know, because when i googled it, someone else admitted it too.) i think it is like the case with my melaka friend, who had her meals mostly at home, so it's not a norm to eat outside and know which is the place to go. ok, maybe she does. but my point is, it's just like zoo. i don't go to the zoo unless my outstation friends are around and they want to go. makes sense, right? i hope so.

Dilbert understands

2009-11-25T19:07:00.000+08:00

dilbert understands.

should i be rejoicing? funnily, i'm not. is it me or where i am? cos it isn't the first time.

Between Just and Fair

2009-11-25T12:19:00.000+08:00

God is just. no one ever said He is fair. so is He unfair? much as how my brain perceive fair as being a good trait, i have to admit, i don't think He is fair. so.... do we need to be fair? is being good, good enough?

fleeting feelings, old thoughts

2009-11-24T08:42:00.000+08:00

feelings are fleeting. one moment up, the other down, right into the pits, although i tell myself it matters not, that little issue. it is indeed a tiny thing, my first reaction was to tell myself, don't show any signs of botherism <-- word probably non-existent. but that thought betrayed whatever i was trying to pretend. i was bothered, deep inside, though everything outside screamed patience and nonchalance. it was just a nothing, why am i so sensitive? yes, why? not only this time, but every other time.

sensitive sounds like a good word at times, fragile seems sorry, hurt is overused. maybe that is why i am always defensive. i need to put up more walls, more layers so i won't be so sensitive (still thinking of a better word). i know that in truth, holding back and playing safe will only harm me, if not hurt me more. but there is an instinct, almost like a habit, to not let go of myself, just yet. despite of what people may think, i am reserved, cautious. careful not to be carefree and too straightforward, because i've been told that life is not like that. it's not so simple, and there are too many things to consider. so hold back.

but i look at people i know, whom has not held back, and has given themselves, and taken the risk, and i want to be like that. i see them being vulnerable, getting hurt, and risk it again. so much fuller, that life. i want that too. i see how it blesses people and i know that is the real life. how can i experience the real life without letting go? real life includes pain, hurt, disappointment, along with joy and other 'good' things. but i battle within, because to take such risks is stupid, my brain reasoned. will thinking too much hold me back? i guess it's not the thinking. it's the decision i make at the end of my thoughts, that births the action.

i choose to live life fuller, with more pain and joy, but most of the time my defense system will trigger, so i am just taking baby steps, towards this path. i am always cautious, and it will need a conscious effort to acknowledge the warning, and take the risk. i'm still trying.

i'm trying to share my life, because it's the only way to fill it. i love it when people share theirs with me, it's great being part of their lives.

yes, i am still learning to live.=)

random post from office

2009-11-17T08:29:00.000+08:00

i like being in the office early. well, maybe not, but there are perks being in the office early. like when there is only the cleaning lady and another employee at another far end, i am at ease to blog. =) especially when my colleague isn't here yet to look over the tiny short wall that separates us and read what i'm doing, once in a while.

i remember telling a friend that if God wants me to do something, He has to shove me into it, because i am hard at hearing and am a constant doubter. i think i'm the kind of person when faced with 50%-50% decision, to go or not to go, i'd lean towards stagnancy.

that is why, perhaps, He stamped a parking ticket on my (sister's) car's windshield so i dare not park in front of the apartment, and thus am forced to drive to work. so far, i survived two days. the car is still working, too. He knew me. i would try to avoid being 'saman' again. it's not as scary as i thought. lol. yes, i don't like driving, i prefer being driven. but it's good to practice, this is sort of a ticket to freedom. and maybe if i do it often, i won't mind it that much.

last night, as i lay down to sleep and couldn't fall into it as easily as usual, i really got to thinking how God has been with me, has brought me through ever since i started working again. i'm sure God has never left me, but His hands in my life are more evident now, or should i say, i am more alert to it now. the more i need Him, the more He shows Himself. =) He is always there, am i looking?

i want to be positive, and i am positive i am getting old.=/ there is so much He has done, the at-times-funny paths He has led me through, but i am struggling to recall. that is why i must write, to remember.

random: He has given me 3C --> car, colleagues, computer with Internet at home =P

i know i sometimes stand the risk of being annoyingly positive or cheerful. but there are days when no matter how hard i try, i can't feel that way. so when i can, shouldn't i be free to bask in it? =)

i'm going to dig in my lil black book to see if i can find more topics to say. gosh, i used to love writing so much. but now i seem overly cautious. how to lose myself, and set myself free through writing again?

a good treatment

2009-11-08T17:21:00.000+08:00

life has been treating me well. how am i treating life?

job dreaming

2009-11-05T23:38:00.000+08:00

dreaming about my job doesn't mean it's my dream job.

i don't hate it, either. =) i just hope it doesn't linger in my head as i sleep, cause i'd really like to have other things in it, since for most part of the day i'm in work.

but then again, work is not always in my head when i am at work. oh, but most of the time it is. =P

why don't you ask?

2009-09-05T23:53:00.000+08:00

i think we are afraid to ask because we don't know what we might get.

or,

i am afraid to ask because i don't know what i will get.

imagine we are in a gathering, and the spokesperson holds up a goodie bag, asking, 'who wants it?'

i suppose the first thought that came to my mind would be, is there a catch in it? will i be required to do something to get it? or.... paiseh lar...

i guess i just fear what may happen when i take the risk to ask. playing safe will be to hide in my cocoon and watch as others take the risk and wonder why my life is suffocating.

i think i need to be kicked out of my shell sometimes. but i do get annoyed when it happens too. sometimes. =)

ask, and it will be given. my Father knows what i need even before i ask of it. but when i ask, i believe it helps me see what i need.

because of His promise, i hope.

resign

2009-09-01T23:31:00.001+08:00

it's sad that a lot of people resign from life faster than they resign from a job.

this matter

2009-08-05T22:04:00.000+08:00

itmattersthatimattertoyoucosyoumattertome.

thehermit

2009-08-05T22:00:00.000+08:00

one day, perhaps i'd soar, but right now, can i be content with this crawl?

O Lord, i think i'm going to fail this test, i feel i'm getting bitter than better.

i've tried to try

2009-08-01T00:24:00.000+08:00

i've tried to try, but felt i have failed.

i've stumbled, and now i'm tired.

i'm making excuses, because there is no inspiring comments.

i'm wandering in the wilderness,
and yet,
yet perhaps i can glorify God even here!
what a thought.
i'm still lost.
you would have think i would have been tired of being lost.
i am.

i don't want to talk about it anymore.

F-u(ture)

2009-07-21T10:07:00.000+08:00

i know not what the future holds for me, but i know He holds my future.

rubbish of the system

2009-07-12T00:42:00.000+08:00

i know You must know what i'm going through.
i know sadness can't be Your plan for me, though i am sad perpetually.
i know this and that, but there must be more than knowing. there must be more to life.
is there a long road between knowing and believing? believing to trusting? trusting to surrendering? how far?

this is not what You want of me, yet i can't let go.

why am i afraid to laugh, to show love?
why do i dread walking into Your house, to see people, in families and feel alone?
have i lost hope? do i still dare to hope?
i'm afraid that they ask, and i have no answers. i know it's You and not me, but see, i just know.

life is full of dreams, but i am not living any.

running from situations is no good, but embracing it seems harder. its always prettier in the past, or future, but not the present. the mind plays games the person does not understand. i'm speaking words that i probably do not understand or believe.

hmpf.

there's more

2009-04-13T14:04:00.000+08:00

sometimes i wonder i'm where He wants me to be.

sometimes i wonder if truly listen, and follow only when it suits me.

i'm wondering if i'm lukewarm and comfortable with it.

i wonder if i'm more concerned with how people see me than how i want to be seen by Him.

i wonder if i have traded my self for acceptance.

i wonder if i think too much. and do too little. and pray even less.

i don't know who i am, and have i, in my quest to find myself, lost sight of Him?

i read a friend's blog today, whom i discovered through links here and there. it's amazing how God is using her in her life, and made me realise i am not giving my life fully for the One who gave His for me. it made me sad, it also woke me up. prayer is a 2-way communication, i can't be the only one talking. i want to persist in listening, though i can't recognize the voice, yet i will remember that He is full of grace, and He is God.

i am actually thankful that He allows storms in my life, so i look for shelter in Him. i hope that every obstacle nudges me closer to Him. but i pray that that's not just it. when i walked to the front and said i dedicate my life to Him, i want to live it. there's more potential released when i surrender. there is courage needed in surrendering. even to the hands of a loving God.

splash in the dry land!

2009-04-06T17:41:00.000+08:00

lunch at the nasi ekonomi stall today turned out to be a superb experience, not found in any starry hotels or fine dining. or even quirky concept cafes.

foodwise, normal. but halfway through we were entertained with little fountains of water dripping enthusiastically from the leaking roof. on our table, in front of our food. needless to say, some of my colleague's rice had extra soup. as we ate hurriedly, the makcik cleverly pushed the table to one side so that the fountains hit the floor instead, but our backs hit the other customers.

ah such heavy rain. and five of us were without brollies. wait lah.

we were huddled close, with the wind bringing the rain to us, and one colleague fearing the speeding cars that may send a splash from the puddle to her. then we noticed the swaying roof. maybe we should stand under another roof nearby. which was fine until we saw the longkang nearby was nearly overflowing. in no time, where we were standing were flooded. i tried my best to soak the heels and save as much of my larrie shoes as possible, but unless we stand on stools that was not likely. at times like this, who should come swimming in the flood but a syringe? we stared at it, thoughts of its previous use running in our heads. later as we were discussing, i realised there were 2 small cuts on my feet from the blisters. =/ i got lazy calculating the probabilities because my beloved shoes are soaked. and my polka white shirt is wet.

the rain was relentless! we had to change positions and all but we cannot run away from the rain. so we did it. we ran all the way back to the office, which is not far, but we had to splash through eeky water which probably came from the longkang and run in the rain, without brollies. in my white shirt. aih....

back at office, we went all the way up to 4th floor, where they have more toilets for us to wash feet. ah they have dryer there too, and a kind aunty suggested i go under that device to dry my shirt. and my drowned larries...i tried to wipe and dab but until now its still cold and wet. and guess what was our next activity?

sauna.

purely so that we can dry ourselves and our clothes. i was barbequeing larries when one of them suggested that it may grow bigger, as its leather. ok then.

seriously where else can anyone get such an experience, just by going to lunch in a simple nasi ekon stall? oh, anyone. you just need the weather, the longkang and the sauna.

if i should get any unwanted, suspicious disease, please remember this incident and don't get funny ideas.

but all in all, i had great fun! i started laughing the moment the fountains came. and i think this is gonna stay in my head and heart long after i leave, and i'd cherish this piece of memory, probably a lot more than other things from here.

thanks, God.

ps: i didnt dry my skirt and had to sit on it. that's no fun.

cages we build

2009-04-03T09:53:00.000+08:00

i realised that sometimes i hold on the anger or pain as a defence. i wallow in it and allow it to build a strong, fat wall around me. sometimes there is that thought of breaking it down with hope, that chance. but sometimes i thought i'd secure myself in sadness, holding on to it, almost becoming comfortable with self-pity. funny isnt it. that fear/laziness to change, even for the better. maybe being happy makes us more vulnerable. maybe sad people has less to lose. yeah, because they have lost.

let's break free from the cage of self pity.

heartstrings

2009-03-30T13:52:00.000+08:00

heart, i have said, is the darndest thing.

its strings have a way of getting intertwined with many things, causing tugs that may cause heartache.

allow me to introduce my dog, nicky, to the picture. he very well knows he should not pee in the house. but my family has relented and come to accept he will, at one certain spot, in the upstairs living room. so newspapers were laid for that little king to do his business.

but it's not enough for him.

i was back last weekend, and we were playing carrom in the downstairs living room. he must have felt much neglected, and to turn our attention back to him, he peed beside the laptop bag. right next to it. any bigger puddle, our laptop will be sitting wet. i cannot blame my brother for scolding him, and intimidating him with rolled newspaper. in fact, my brother was kind enough to make loud slaps on the floor, and not on nicky. up to the balcony he was shoo-ed, as a punishment of sort. but nicky has the nerve to pee in the upstairs living room the next time he got in. i caught him doing it halfway! so kena again lah from my brother. nicky has a way of looking very sorry and pitiful everytime this happens. but really, if he knew its wrong, then why do it?? while my brother is trying to scold and teach him, he attempted to bite! sigh. things got worse. as much as i felt sorry for nicky, he is in the wrong. when he got banished to the balcony, quite by force, i felt so sad for him. he was whining and crying, but to discipline him, we had to do it.

and that is why i think i won't keep a dog. if i have one, other than having to take care of it food and lodging, i have to worry about its comfort and happiness. i don't think i can provide all these, so i'm sure the dog is better off with someone else. then i wouldn't be burdened with the extra heartstrings attached as well. to me, it is a commitment, and that can be my 2nd worst trait, after indecisiveness. people may say i'm cold, maybe i am. but i am just trying to protect myself from more heartaches. and i am not kind enough to give so much of myself to really make that dog's day. so if i can't commit, better don't start.

yes i have a big issue with commitment. i am afraid of it. but what about friendships and family? how come i don't see them that way? maybe it is only scary when i am responsible for the other party.

i need to take care of the dog. it's my responsibility. if i sponsor a child in world vision, that is a responsibility. which is why i'd rather make a general donation than sponsor a specific child. i am afraid of that commitment, of the thought that the child would depend on me. i am afraid of more strings attached.

yes, i know that this fear would hold me back from truly daring to love people, to care. and i will live less fulfilled. but i am afraid.

i don't know how to love like God, to give His all, knowing He won't receive back all the love He has given. Opening Himself to the hurts that will follow, facing rejection and disappointment. Yet ever ready to love again.

even when i fall

2009-03-30T09:55:00.000+08:00

a thousand times i've failed
still Your mercy remains
and should i stumble again
i'm caught in Your grace

struggling but still breathing in the choppy sea

2009-03-25T07:19:00.000+08:00

as i tossed and turned in my bed, i struggle inside...my heart? as sure as i am that we all have a heart, what goes on in that organ is beyond me. how is this piece of flesh machinery able to feel and affect us humans in so many ways? how? so intangible.

i feel like a rag doll in a crazy sea, being tossed around in every direction, my decisions swaying and uncertain. it's tiring. if those people who hear me talk about it are tired, please imagine how many times i go through it. sorry for the self pity. i have this picture of climbing up a hill, getting to the top, thinking 'that's it!' only to roll down and find there's more hills to climb. and now i suspect if i'd ever reach a hill i want to stay. what am i saying?

a hopefully brief history:
i came in, thinking this is what i want. i got disappointed, tired, annoyed, angry, bitter, sad. 'i must leave!!!' i said. yet i felt like i can't or shouldn't. looking for jobs made me have headache (ok, so maybe that happens all the time)

as time passed, i learn to open up a little, peeking slightly out of the hard shell i have acquired. things are not so bad. yeah, i'm not crushed by the terrible emotions anymore, though i do not have the passion for the job. i thought its gonna be more ok.

then i was told that my company will be dormant for even longer than the said time. maybe i need to be swapped elsewhere. good chance to learn, superior says. could be true, but in my head i remember the cases of other employees being poked to here and there. truth is, the idea is not appealing to me. in my heart, or head, i felt like its time to leave. i had the peace to leave, something i never had, even in the most turbulent of times in the company. i shared with 3 friends regarding this. i said i didn't want to be rash.

rash could have saved me a lot of headache, though it won't guarantee me to be heartache-free in the long term. because few days after that, my decision again went for a swim in the crashing waves. as i sat in the lrt, i thought i felt i should stay (it's not my english, it's my mental state: i did think i felt! i don't know which organ was functioning when anymore. yune would say i'm too analytical. true. woe is me.) i seemed ok with it. perhaps God was testing me if i would leave when He asked me to. so He knows now i would. but He wants me to stay first?

i had thought maybe that's the case. after all, i have not done anything where i am now. work-wise, i do not care that much. but in the sense of people? have i done anything to leave a mark, at least show Him in me? i felt i should at least do that bit. then i'm good to go.

oh but how i struggle now. its been barely days but i felt so tired and lost. i thought i could go on even though i don't understand His plans, if this is His plan. i thought i am able to fully trust Him and follow. i was going to write an inspired piece on fixing my eyes on Him, and knowing that whichever path i take, whether it is a right or wrong turn, His grace will lead me back to Him, when i commit my ways to Him. now i have fallen back into that pit of fear, so afraid of not being at the right track again. i suppose there is still that Regret in me, Fear of missing out His perfect plan. yet have i forgotten that fresh lesson, to walk by faith and not by fear? my wrong decisions are not big enough to alter His ultimate purpose. this is not an excuse to take things for granted, rather, really, a call to walk by faith. it's obvious i can't see for sure where exactly my feet is stepping on, but i will turn my heart towards God. Matt Rawlins once said something that i believe as, even if the decision should be right, yet we have no faith to go for it, then don't. in my meagre bible knowledge, i remember a certain verse, that what is not of faith is sin? (actually i had to google to get the exact phrase). i seriously do not know if i had distorted the meaning, and whether it is applicable here at all. also, eugene spoke of moving to fscc as something he do not know whether it is right, but he will keep his eyes on the ultimate address, the reason.

gosh i have rambled.

yesterday my aunt suggested that i quit; no prospects. she was supportive, she would me to stay in her flat without rent, food provided, and if i should need money. when i first had the peace to leave, i knew i risk giving up financial independence, which i liked. now i feel more cautious about it. her words to me is what sent me tossing on bed (refer to my opening). i thought i could bring myself to stay, yet .... is people's words having too much effect on me?

ah i want so many things that i do not know which to go for first. or which i want most. =) that's a remark to dear ah yune who always say i'm indecisive.

i just need God's peace for the next step. right now, i'm a mess.

picking up from the bed toss, as i lay there and felt too dry to cry, and thought of how i could leave if i have not done anything close to significant in my workplace, i just felt His assurance that i matter to Him more than my deeds. i thank God that He gave us families so i can relate to what love is. i knew my parents would rather me be happy than suffer in trying to serve them. likewise, God loves me, and not my service. i am not a disappointment, i am no less in His eyes, despite my feeling of inadequacy.

i hope to be steady on my answer by the end of the month. i need to note, though, that i don't regret taking up this job, being where i am. God uses every opportunity to teach me something new. =)

i thank You.

2009-02-25T13:29:00.000+08:00

Thank You for letting my heart break, because i know You will mold it again, into the shape You desired.
thank You for allowing the pain, because You teach those whom You love.
thank You for my weakness, so i can find in You strength.
thank You for these trials, because You knew how much i can take, and through it i am built.
thank You for never letting go.
thank You for watching my tears and letting me know You hurt when i do, probably more so.
thank You for providing friends whom i can say confidently that they love me. teach me to love them more.
thank You for Your unending patience, through my whines and rants You persevered.
thank You for never condemning me to be self-centred though i keep thinking of myself.
thank You for loving me unconditionally.
thank You for Hope.
thank You for Faith.
thank You, Love.

random wriggles

2009-02-06T20:00:00.000+08:00

glancing through my previous post, i realised i've been a melancholic, pathetic whiner. what a joy-sapper. so much for the initial hope of writing a blog so as to give hope. actually that's not quite true, perhaps. i had wanted to share my journey and hopefully encourage people and give God the glory. overly noble statement. which reminds me i had in my heart yelled at a certain someone for being a self-righteous pig. i did. what a judgemental person i am. i wonder how much people can read my thoughts. i've imagined what if people are able to hear my thoughts. there was once these series on tv where this guy's thoughts was audible. poor guy! people around him had to act that they didn't know. i'm so glad God didn't let such stuff happen. erm, unless if it does happen, and i was the one being kept in the dark. oh but then....i should not control my evil thoughts only for the fear of people knowing right? for God knows my every thoughts, all that is in my heart. i believe a friend once told me that a good thing done/a bad thing not done just for the sake of people's approval is not a good motivation. i forgot the exact term. ahem.

being the long winded person i am, i have succeeded to write a whole paragraph on something that i have not planned to. oh yeah. i was going to write about history. the history of my sad blogs. sad to say, i am still sad. in fact, i think i'm sadder. i don't know. i know i don't want to write any more sad stories.

hrm. i used to be able to write more freely when no one knows of this address, but now i get more conscious.

before i try to sound more proper, i want to allow myself a paragraph of what i felt. i don't remember washing my eyes so many times, i used to think i have no tears. lately, as i read xtraordinary faith i would do that, it must be sheila's words and my broken heart added together to that effect. but i even practice caution, in case anyone should be back and see my state. so i controlled myself. more so at work.i guess i do feel very lonely where i am, i don't think i have any friends, i can't seem to trust people, so i always have to be on guard. i guess it made me really tired. do you know being defensive can be tiring?

so i was mistaken. i used to think i want to be in a challenging working place, wearing formal clothes, doing business, all that. but either i have the wrong perception of how it should it, or i was wrong about what i want or the place is wrong. but i think i don't want all this anymore. in the end, i just feel like i'm not suitable for such complex thing. i'm just a simple person, not the corporate high-flyer. i used to carry that pride thinking i'm smart, but now i'm humbled. at least some good came out of it, huh.

i used to think i'd like to dabble in law, business, projects, hospitals. i didn't expect God to provide such a package, but where i am, yeah, i could see stuff like that. only that i didn't expect i'd be so unhappy. and now i'm so afraid to ask for anything, because i have that fear i don't know what i want at all. can i walk away from where i am if i don't know where to go?

it had crossed my mind if God had forgot to programme me with a passion, but because He is perfect, He wouldn't have done this mistake. so what have i done with my passion? have i buried it so deep i've lost it? has it decayed beyond recognition? will i ever find it again? i used to think passion for God is good enough, but i see people serving God with what they are good at, and i think i need that too. not only so i can serve God, but that i can live my life to the full as well. doing what i love to do, doing it well, for a good cause. i'm tired thinking bout this for so long already. the people around me are tired with this topic. i don't want to talk to them about it anymore. but it just won't go away. i feel so stupid for writing it here but it's my blog rite? its where i can dump what i need to get out of my system.

having said that i want to thank my sister for providing the wireless modem so that i can wallow here, and for loving me, for coming all the way to insist on bringing me to the doctor, which, in the end, was just so near i could walk there. but i really didn't want to be a burden to her and her other half.

i can't really write focused anymore. random things fly about, all the warm chicken shits: learning mandarin, piano, dancing, writing stories...all getting cold.

Birthday Bits

2009-01-25T18:54:00.000+08:00

For my 2009 birthday, of which i am already 23, i had some unexpected events.

First would be the early wishers rank. First place goes to (all names shall be dotted in between to avoid my site being found just because someone googled these fellas; an advice i read from someone's blog) t.su.yi.n. she aimed for it, and she got it! second; e.uge.ne, with his well-intentioned advice to rock the house with my birthday announcement. method: pillow smack. i considered that, thought of my cousins sleeping soundly, and went to sleep instead. it was a nice thought though. i'd do that when i'm less sober. ahem, 3rd place goes to ch.ea.h who seemed pretty happy with that ranking. 4th is me lil sis, 5th q.ihui, 6th joa.nn, 7th je.rem.y, 8th han.yue.n, 9th liy.uin, 10th ch.orja.ur. i don't mean anything by stating who ranked where, just that i realised it was really quite out of my expectation. not a bad thing though. =)

getting up at 3.40am to journey back to taiping from kl, having only 3 hours plus of sleep, i think i am entitled to be more blur. but hey, i did perasanly expect people in taiping to plan something up for me. after all, people sms-ed and ask when i'll be around. so i waited. and thus came chuah's suggestion for badminton at 5pm. okay.... so i had a little thought that perhaps they might want to celebrate that time, at the court. or perhaps talk about meeting up later at night. and i suspected nothing of chuah coming to pick me at the shop and bringing me back to house to get changed. in fact before she came i literally passed out from sleepiness and only woke 20minutes prior her arrival. so yes, i was in a dizzy state. i didn't think much of her sensitivity in not allowing me to check her phone. either i was really blur or she's a good actress. i'd hate to admit either one. =P

got to my house, the gate is open. few slippers on the porch. hrm, i thought perhaps lil sis has her friends over. chuah conveniently says she need the loo. and hurried me as we were late. my lil sis offered her help by saying she can't find the racquets. so i hurried past the living room....

to a sudden singing of happy birthday from the stairs. i don't know what expression i gave. i know as pictures were snapped i was continually asking if i could change clothes. i felt so shabby! haha. but they shoved the cake in my hands and made me make a wish, blow candles, cut cake. yes, it IS a surprise. i didn't expect them to barge in my house and conspire with my family way before i touch taiping town. ah, so now i see how my family can act. i never suspected them! naivety is me. i had really expected badminton.

well, as my mum says, better to have all these surprises while i'm young and the heart is strong. so to those peeps, you know who you are. thanks a million for proving that i can be surprised, and my heart is healthy. honestly, i really do like surprises. Pleasant ones, please. =D

just fair?

2009-01-02T22:55:00.000+08:00

justice is not fairness. right?

of sadness

2008-12-11T14:13:00.000+08:00

i need to believe that this God who loves me will allow me to be sad, hurt and disappointed. yea, He wants me to be happy, but i suppose some lessons can only be learn in not so happy ways. why do i feel like crying when i can't, and when i can i can't? i mean to say that it is at inconvenient time and place that i suddenly want to cry. but then, perhaps at a conveniently comfortable place i don't have that much need to cry anyway.

i've talked to God and thought that He wants me to be here. but when i am here, i'm rocked from that belief. does He really want me to be here? i'm sad here. does He want me to be sad? which goes back to the first paragraph.

the thing is, i'm sure it is not God ultimate plan to make me sad (like,duh!). but people get sad for many reasons, one of it out of not understanding, or not accepting. anyway, sadness is a feeling hard to avoid. we all go through it i suppose. sorry, i'm dizzy and quite suffocated from holding myself together. it is only normal for words to spew funnily.

is this Your place for me here? if yes, please strengthen me to go through it.

uncheerful

2008-12-09T13:52:00.000+08:00

as of today, i'm feeling quite lethargic and not too cheerful.

ever have that feeling that you're not happy where you are but you stayed on, trying to believe, perhaps already believing that though it doesn't feel like it, this is where you need to stay. there is no future or anything that interests you, nothing, really, to cause you to stay, but you felt like you should.

forgive me. one day i hope it make sense.

but today i hope to make it worthwhile. i really hope that i won't wait so hard for the future that i missed the present. it is my belief that no matter how sucky it may seem at the time being, God waste no time in letting us live life to the full. yes, i may be here for another purpose, of which one day i will understand, but even before my mind is allowed to comprehend, there is more to be done. you can say it is part of the story that paints the whole picture in the end.

it is quite a pain to be in the dark, uncertain and unhappy. but i suppose when happiness is out of the way, it gives way to joy to shine. many times we mix them up, not telling one from the other. but joy prevails, even when we're sad. it's hard to explain, i can't tell if it's harder to experience. but because joy is something that comes from above, i believe if we ask, we will receive.

i realised i have not asked.

called

2008-12-04T16:55:00.000+08:00

reminder to self: a higher calling is not the call to something higher, but from One highest.

i suppose sometimes i want great things, and yes, He can give it, but then again i need to remember why i want those things. and if He should not give it to me, it is probably for my own good. but then, again, what's great? my opinion of greatness may differ from His. His ways are after all, higher than mine. and because He is in a higher position, He can see things clearly, in the BIG picture. so i trust His judgement. even though i don't understand it most of the time, i seem to suffer because i don't like what i'm going through, i just hope i love Him enough to trust Him. and that i won't waste where He has brought me, for there is a purpose to fulfill.

here i could write like it's so easy and simple but in reality i struggle and writhe and whine. and sometimes there are things so obviously right and easy to do but i just refuse to do it.

did i miss it?

2008-11-28T14:45:00.000+08:00

i don't understand what has come over me.

i think it began on sunday, when i talked to charis, in nyonya colors. she was saying how some were collecting callings, because some were called but did not respond. which also reminded me what ern had said before, it is really how one responds to something. and when charis said that, i was just..terasa. i felt that i had not responded well. i felt that i have missed out on God's plan, and i wish to get back into that original plan. it's scary to think that He would have passed me by because i did not have the faith to go where He had wanted me to. it's a heartbreaking thought, to be left behind.

it was like that story of Saul and David. how Saul was chosen but then rejected. i feel sad for him, really, because i felt i might have done the same. i know, yes, that God is merciful, that He does not strike one away because of mistakes, as can be seen in His grace to David when he sinned. but David is a man after God's heart, whereas i can't say that for myself. i doubt how much i truly love God, in fact. so far i don't think my actions bore any strong testimony to that.

more is to come. my ex-coursemate cum colleague, hongjie, has seen a door open, to dance. and it is what he really likes, i suppose. how many people had such a chance? i mean, when he volunteered for events, i had already thought that it's great to be able to do what your heart desires. and now, to go fully into it? its a path that a little scary, because it's not the most common of options, yet so exciting! i am happy for him, whichever choice he may make. but at the same time, it got me thinking about myself. what is it that i really want? again, to that unanswered question i had for so long, what is my passion?

what is it that i'm good at and would love to do? have God actually brought me to an open door but i walked away from it? will He then give another that path? have i missed it?

but wait. what is it that i'm worried about now? that i lost a gift or that i disappointed Him? at times like this i'm forced, fortunately, to remember that what mattered most is Him. not the gifts or the road or the past, but to focus on Him, and be assured that whichever way that is to be will be good, as long as i'm with Him. because, in the end, all i do, i want it to be about Him.

i may be uncertain about many things, but i am certain of His love.

the needy homeless

2008-10-19T15:19:00.000+08:00

as i sit here now beside a bloated hamster, solitary in a small pink cage, i write. sometimes i'd glance over and check the hamster out. i fear for it. all eating and lying around can't be too good for its little heart. poor thing must be bored senseless. there's a little wheel for it to run, but i suspect it's a bit too fat to do so. as it lay there, peeking out of its nearly closed eyes, i feel for the fella. but enough on this hamster. i want to be selfish enough to talk about me.

why am i located right here, right now, beside the hamster?

yesterday, i came to kl. bearing high hopes but shaky plans to go for wan ling's convo in the evening. had i been more mindful of my mum's advice, i would have gotten a 9am bus, came in time to cut hair, meet aunt, find yune, go for convo, meet wan ling and give her pressie, right on to church, then house in sri petaling, a sweet little story. of course, had it taken place so smoothly i wouldn't have thought it too sweet, just plain nice. but yet what i did not get always seem better. i rephrase, i will learn to appreciate more the things which did not just fall on my lap, but seems to be out of reach. i suppose then, that is why people loved miracles.

back to yesterday, since 9am tickets are out of my grasp, i had to settle for 11am. reaching here, going for haircut, with quite a sour face, thinking i must be missing wanling's convo while the person washed my hair twice vigorously, massaged my neck like i'm some tough kitten (i was grabbed at the nape of my neck), worked on my head like dough for good measure. then the hairdresser tried to get me to straighten my hair, which i of course declined. and while cutting, she commented on how dry my hair is and persuaded me to undergo some treatment which will take 10 minutes. i told her i was in a hurry, but if i had wanted to be more honest i'd say i'd rather skip those to save time and probably a lot of money. she went on to coax me to do other types, which takes just a while. so being me, i let her. i believe that was a whopping rm25 treatment, which really seemed simple to me. i later learnt it was expensive stuf.:/ sorry, i ramble. but perhaps that is why, the little things begin from here. and it is little things that build up to big stuff.

i called yune after they had finished with my hair. apparently i still have time! possibly an hour to get to UPM from pudu. so i thought God has heard and answered my prayer while i sat at the mercy of the hairdresser, that i would get to meet wanling after all! i refused an invitation from my aunt for food (yes, i said no to food, though many should think this impossible). i went for a change of pants (people have said i wore too cincai for convos), and approached the metro17. empty. thinking it would take a super long time to move, i opted for star lrt, then ktm, then bus. i must have been to rash to think how dangerous this is. ktm? bus frm serdang to upm? these are probably two top unreliable transport available in Malaysia.

as i got to lrt, i just very narrowly missed the train towards sri petaling. but the real test came when i got to bandar tasik selatan and hoped for a speedy trip one station down. it was not to be. not only it is late, it was jam packed. i didn't know if i'm being molested or the other way round. it was torturous.

then the next hurdle: to get into upm. i met alfredo, a coursemate, and apparently for the last half an hour he had not seen UPM komuter bus nor T416. so we chatted and i waited. finally rapidkl decided to show its face. i got into the bus and paid to the driver who walked past me. he passed me no ticket but i ignored it, thinking i wouldn't need it. and as it dwindled past south city, passing the pasar malam, yune called to say they need to leave already. this is horror to me. need i go through all these monsters to get out of UPM again? but it cannot be helped. yeeleng was in a rush, so i was passed to jo. i was debating whether to ask for his help when the next sms came: jo's car is full. i was quite in a despair. hanging on to the pole with a paper bag that seemed to get heavier by the moment. and really, the profanities shot to the mind when a guy happily crashed on me, nearly pushing me on some people's lap, and i mean it when i said happily, because he breathed not a word of apology and seemed to laugh with his friends. it's probably a good thing that i think too much, because if i did not, i would really punch his face, and i haven't look at his face yet. i might lose control if i did. as more people unload from the bus, i managed to get a sit and breath. and try to think what's next. i was really unstable then, i can't really trust myself to speak.

when i thought, ok, i'd go back to ktm station and probably go back to sentul timur. i just wanted to be alone. and let what needed to be poured out, just pour out. but the uncle driver refused to let me find solace in long bus rides. he asked me to wait on the other side. okay, so i went to the kmr bus stop, where a komuter bus has just left. metro17 came ambling by but i did not take it. in my state, i thought of who to call. i just felt, perhaps a dinner with a friend, would make things a lot better. but who? first, hueykheng. out to mines. mayfang, i was afraid she might be busy. yea, i have this thing bout asking people and being afraid they'd just entertain me though they're busy just because i asked. my dear elder sister, i was quite hoping she'd just call me and ask if i want to have dinner. all through this time, i was still torn. i was still feeling terribly sour inside, not the sour angry but just kinda sad. i didn't know if i needed company or solitude. i finally my sister, to tell her about convo plans, while at the same time hoping for something. yet when she asked if i needed place to stay, i didn't take it. i cannot justify what i did or whatsoever, as i said, i was unstable. next, aatan. she was in her house and that was near upm. but she was studying and will have dinner later. but i think i must have sounded terrible. she offered transport, called me to say she'd go dinner with me and all. but i didn't want to. with her knowing a pinch of how i feel, i really don't know how to face her.

back to the t416, still ticketless because the driver said he can recognize me, and its only him driving around here. later on he told people the machine has spoilt, so just pay and get no ticket. as i rounded the area out again, kheng sms-ed. encouraged, i said i'd go to the mines to find her if the bus passes that way. so it did, and down i hop. with a stomach rebelling for not being fed lunch and dinner, save for a big pack of Bika (which caused some nausea), i lugged myself to mines. kheng was there with a friend, chai fung, whom i have previously met before with mayfang and kimkooi. knowing i've no dinner, they kindly offered to teman me. but i opted for a sundae cone from McD, just to lift my spirits up a lil. and planned for a nice supper, traditional style at k14.

from there on, it was alright. i'm with people, i can survive. though we waited very long for a bus to take us back, though i moaned that i need to eat an elephant, though the feet hurt bad, though i need to pay another rm1 to grab a bus back to ktm station (we were going to walk, actually), i didn't feel as bad. kheng and ern both offered their rooms to take in a homeless me. i didn't realise i did not tell people my plans properly, maybe because i never know which plan would survive to the next moment. and also i did not think they would be so worried. added to the fact i was just not thinking.

that night, i had my supper of burger ayam special, and off to chai fung's roomie for the night, nerisa, her cousin. and oh what a small world, she is yee min's coursemate and boon yong's direct junior. she treated us rock melon, i believe, and had to sacrifice her precious time of studying to listen to us chat in the room. and the world got smaller when i found out that chai fung's good friend, kenneth, could be yune's colleague while they were both doing practical at the star.

it is a good night, though i was sorry i needed to cause kheng so much discomfort as i shared her bed. i truly hope i did not kick her during the night.

oh today, after going for wengyan, cindy hiew, zhihui's convo, i really contemplated going to sentul and out again for course gathering. but meeting up with lee mei and li yuin, again my homelessness was highlighted and they took me in for the day.

i should begin to wrap up these big bag of words. lessons? i really hate to be so dependant on people, to seem so needy, to hint about my homelessness. but it is these times that i see and feel so much love and care being showered on me. be they my sister, coursemates, schoolmates, church friends or ex-roomates. and i need to remember this so that when i could give, i would give. my list of thanks should come another day, i quite pity leemei's laptop working so long.

a short sense

2008-10-16T00:56:00.000+08:00

a lot of things don't make sense, at least not to me.

does it make sense that people try to run from those they love most? cause there is where it hurts most? because there is a sense of hopelesness, not being able to change, or being afraid of change. or simply because it is easier to believe, to hope, when I am not looking. so i need to run. but is running towards something means we are running away from another thing? i mean, previously i thought that running away= no good. but then, we are constantly ( or sometimes) running towards something. and to do that, surely we are leaving something behind? then it doesn't sound so wrong. i hope no one gets me wrong here.

which way is that?

2008-07-03T01:01:00.000+08:00

better to walk a step in the right direction than a thousand in the wrong one.

this way to the farm, please.

2008-07-03T00:20:00.000+08:00

it seems my blogs have always been rather dark. lets go somewhere lighter: rat race and chicken run!

lately my dad's hardware shop has been affiliated with animals. alright actually just two. but then there must have been a sign visible only to animals' eyes which says that his shop is a farm.

first case, a rat with the size of a small kitten strolled (yes, my vocab is fine, he strolled) into our shop, through the front door, past my brother and other customers. i think my brother must have thought it was a kitten, he was too stunned to do anything. well, the nerve of that rat. must have been very old, ma says it may be a lil off to do such thing. somehow or another, it must have walked out, cos the next time we saw it sashaying in again. this time, right behind my back, and i was standing between my father and brother. and that time was its last. take a deep breath, this is not a pretty picture. brother, planted his boots (these boots are also sold in pa's shop) on the rat's head or neck. i can't be sure cos i glanced for a second before hopping on something and scurrying away. afterwards i heard of him telling how he brought another foot down on that murdering boot to finish the job. so there. the swift drama of the first rat.

next case, a mouse. the reason why i say a mouse is because i felt that a mouse is smaller. and this is! i mean, nowadays, with the mutant size of mouse, it's hard to find little mouse anymore. i sighted it few times, there could be more than one, but i didn't have the heart to squash it. oh well, it may have been allowed to live in peace, if not for joann's sister. the twist in the tale, joann's sis need a rat to dissect. if only we had found out earlier, we could have saved that old big rat, she'd get to see big organs aplenty. but too late. after her futile attempts to capture rats at various places, my mum set a trap in my shop to hopefully secure a rat. and the victim: the small mouse. it wasn't going under the knife at first, joann's sister got another one. but fate has it that it has to die before the time. so the little mouse came in useful. but i really think to die of suffocation with chloroform or at least not feeling pain should be better for the mouse, that is, i believe they don't feel the pain when they are being cut open. i really really hope they don't feel it. the operation is tomorrow. i'm not emotionally attached to that mouse, so i'm okay.

saga number three- the cock that walked. into my shop, right when there were about 5 people there?yes, through the front door too. my father just has various customers. gave us a surprise and we gave it a scare that it flapped its way deeper into the shop. now its late evening and we're not interested in chicken hunt so we ignored it. when we closed shop, it was nowhere in sight. fine. the next day, today in fact, it was found at the far back, and left stinky souvenirs. ma wanted to feed it, in case it dies, what a waste right? but when she went back for it, its gone! brother speculated it must have flown out through openings at the top. so we agreed. however, as i was busy finding paints at some racks, i heard a sound, turned my head....and saw the butt of that cock as it flapped wildly to hide itself. had my heart been weaker i'd not be around to post this now. but i survived, and upon questioning my neighbor, found that its theirs. he came, he saw, and he conquered that cock. and that cock, screamed like he's about to be slaughtered. my mum said she finally understood why there is a proverb or some sort which had such meaning. and so, the cock episode ended. i hope.

a cancer called comparison

2008-04-17T02:01:00.000+08:00

silly isn't it? the blog before the previous one i spoke of God's love, the next i'm insecure once again. fickle is the word.

you know what's my hobby?

comparing.

it's not something i do on purpose you know. it comes, creeps into my head and grew as i feed it. before i know it, it had proliferated so quickly into a mass, the train of thoughts now taking its own route, no longer controlled by me. and it shot so quickly in so many directions, i couldn't stop it. it has become a cancer.

and how evil this cancer could be! even the strongest bonds may be broken because of it. it could eat into relationships, destroying trust, killing the bridge that connects people together. suddenly the person whom you loved so much, and loved you in return, is the person whom you compare most with. and with that, hate seeps in. jealousy rears its head. dissatisfaction growls. flavored with a hint of whine. and the cocktail produced is a bitter one.

i know it's getting to me. the tears are not going to wash the pain away. no, i can't stop there. the heart is still too raw, too susceptible to more infections. if i don't open my wounded heart immediately to the One having the water of life, if i don't allow Him to wash me in His blood, i'm bound to die. perhaps not immediately, but surely. i thought that if i could pour out my bleeding heart before Him i'd be fine, but it's not true. which patient can tell the physician the symptoms of the disease and be healed? even if its diagnosed, it still needs treatment. how stupid it is to come all the way to the physician just to diagnose the disease yet turn away from the treatment. it changes nothing, only increased the awareness. but the disease persists.

i'm going to seek treatment. i don't want to be silly. and i don't want death: of me, of my precious relationships. i'm not gonna let this cancer take over! i've found the best physician, i have the cure. yea, therapy takes time, it may hurt, i may not feel comfortable, but i know i'll be safe. in His arms there is redemption.

new injury, self inflicted!

2008-04-16T11:55:00.000+08:00

i've found a new thing to worry.

not difficult, considering the time i spend layan-ing my brain. in this sense, using the brain doesn't sound so intelectual anymore. but if i think, i must be using my brain? or can one think brainlessly? perhaps, but that is another matter which deserve a topic by itself.

i've found that....i'm insecure. that's not new. when people show their love to me, i'm happy. and guess how i can turn such blessings into self-inflicted injury? i doubt. suddenly i wonder if they really liked me. love me, probably, it is not a feeling after all, it is a choice. so yes, i know they have made a choice. they are good people,eally, so i expect they do love people. but like? do they like who jie min really is? or are they doing things because they are called to love? i wonder if they enjoy my company, who i am, as i am. they can find me, visit me, ask me for outings, but if i should one day stay with them, long term, i wonder what will they feel? even the thought of it? will they be tired? to face me each day, trying not to show how overbearing it is really.

yes, what a torture to think too much. and again, i must not be doing justice to the word 'think'. i'm sorry.

undirected

2008-04-09T20:55:00.000+08:00

as i sit, i could just look up and smile. and bask in that glorious joy that i am loved.

love. the thing that makes one sing.

how many times have He assured me of this love? why do i only feel it strongly now? no...there was once, i remember, i woke up thinking of Him, with a song of praise on my lips, and what joy to wake then. that day brings much promises. what happened then?

too many times, i had it but lost it again. God's love is eternal and everlasting....but my faithfulness fluctuates. sigh.

i can never imagine myself to be in a relationship until i learn how to love God. how to love another person when i can't love God who loved me perfectly, unconditionally?

this post is so random. i must stop trying to write for other people's sake, for them to read, but do it for my sake. so i can write. and let it out.

i am not a complicated person, at least i don't think so. i believe many times i show who i really am, or indicate strongly who i am, through my actions which some thought i try to hide. truth is, sometimes i show it in that way. i don't open it and say, 'here, this is me', but i open it, and let you think i accidentally forgot to close it. yea, maybe i'd like people to know me.

it's really not hard to know me. all i need is time. i do trust people easily. i think. i could pour my life, which is probably not much, but it's not seen, to people who would listen. i'm not mysterious...though some think so. i think i can laugh at that. i'm probably an open book. if you don;t know that well then maybe you;re just not reading.

so many things have happened in my life since so long ago. i thought of days when i was really young...how God must have had a part in all that happened. sweet, when i think of it now. like an angel who watches and cared from afar, though i know Him not, He was taking care of me already. how when i was in kindergarten, i was so insecure. there was a girl who wont befriend me. i wonder what effect it had on me. how ma and pa loved me. how they pampered me. how they think i'm such a good daughter. yet what;s inside, only Heavenly Father knows. was i really that good? i don't think my siblings would agree to that. i remember them saying that i was selfish, with my color pencils or stuff like that. i believe even then i had begun to mind what people would think of me. it matters to me. i am insecure.

how i wanted so badly to have a best friend during early primary school years. i was on the look out for it. friends wont do, i must have a best one. i need that assurance. how later in primary school i belong to a group. i suppose that was good. i belong somewhere. oh and how drama i was even then. all the drama that happened, i was an actress too. those expressions, haha....i can laugh now. petty? perhaps. but probably everyone else was acting too. such soap opera.

gosh im pouring so much of myself out now. this blog is supposed to be secret! it should only be found out by those who really seek. but i'm stepping from seemingly-silly-but-actually-serious stories to stuff that would make people look with widened eyes. am i in for that risK? should i stop here and go to my journal instead? how long will i hide?

i don't want to hide. in fact, if given time enough, i'd have told my life story to jo, eunice, amy, yeeleng, almost anyone that are interested to hear my monotonous ramblings! but am i trying to get their attention? or am i sincere?

lately i have been more aware....how manipulative i am. yes, jiemin is not a simple person at times. oh well...depends on how you look at it. i can be simple AND manipulative. i just hope i am not harmful.

stop...

record!

2008-04-09T04:00:00.000+08:00

yes!jiemin has currently surprised herself by sleeping real late....sometimes not at all. thank You God for giving me strength! and Your wondrous mercy too many times! =D

don't hurt yourself anymore

2008-04-06T09:43:00.000+08:00

in Him all things are made, in Him all find their purpose and place.

don't feel lost, don't be afraid,
don' t you know?
He's waiting to take your hand,
lead you to beautiful places,
heal your wound,
your rest is complete,
peace, overflowing.
it's not a fantasy, no it's not.
i know the world hurts so bad,
nothing can ever seem so good.
but remember, He's not of this world.
yes He came, but He's back,
to His eternal home,
where we'll be, if only we believe.
and how i wish,
i could tell you, make you see,
cause all i want,
is to see you happy,
not just now and here,
but even ever after.
if it breaks my heart,
how much more it breaks His.
why live like this?
why can't we give up our stubborn fight, and just hide in Him?
its not cowardly, its not weak!
its the wisest thing, we can ever be!
when will you see, when will i see?
that all we ever need, it's all in Him.

too hard a heart

2008-03-17T16:14:00.000+08:00

let's have a little science class here.i will try to do the best i can with my limited knowledge and hopefully i wont lead people astray.

in dr ho's class, we learnt that when plant cells are wounded, it will secrete a phenolic compound. this will attract a plant virus (agrobacterium) which will infect that wounded cell and the result: the plant will have a tumor, evident from a bulge in the stem. ah what a smart virus. attacks when there is an opportunity. moves in when the cell is wounded and the defense is down.

i wonder...what about hearts?

when something as fragile as hearts gets wounded, do we know it? do we see what comes to our rescue ...or what comes to destroy?

its getting boring. yea i cant write to satisfy when i'm trying to make it sound so knowledgable.

i'm hurt. my heart, its wounded. so many times i've hurt, i want to cry, but either i swallow it down, hard or just get involved in something else. i didnt even do it on purpose. somehow things just crop up and i conveniently forgot to sit down and search my heart. didnt try to look inside to find the cause and heal the bleeding heart. and as it bleeds, it gets weaker. it pumps slower. the beat, barely there. just because i let it bleed.

and when i want to do it now, its harder. you know how it is when there is a wound, if it does not heal properly, it'll not be pretty. the skin would be harder, rough, because it doesnt want to get hurt easily again. and i feel that's what's happening to my heart now. hurt before, and having no proper medicine to cure it, it finds its own mechanism. grow harder. resist. don't let things touch you that easily. such a thick skin around the heart. what a fort. i wonder how i breathed.

pastor dalbir once said whatever that happens in the physical world is reflective of that in spiritual.

i keep waiting for someone to come and tear away this scar tissue so that new skin could grow again, that i would be made whole. just as what dr lai said, how the doctor attending to her wound tore away the skin that forms over the wound when it is not good, he'd do that even though its painful for her, because he didn't want her to carry that scar for the rest of her life. he did that for her sake. would i rather live with the scar forever, probably in shame and self consciousness, low confidence, trying to hide? or brace myself for the pain which will remove the longer term of pain?

i've been waiting but i've been lazy. i expect my doctor to come, kick open the door and treat me. but i had not invited Him, and has even avoided and resisted Him. how could this gentleman heal a heart that shut Him off?

why can't i just open up my heart?

fear.

as silly as it sounds, i'm afraid. scared of what may happen cos i know its going to be big. major change. and i'm afraid of that. i know that i'd probably be changed for the better. and yet... something in me fears that i won't. that i'd be the same still me. that i expected too much. and i risk being disappointed again.

faith.

i lack of it. how to pray in faith for more of faith? yet what is impossible with man is possible with God.

supertiredpurgings

2008-03-12T19:50:00.000+08:00

jiemin almost cant take this anymore.

days of digging for strength, squeezing the belief that all will be alright...all seems to dry up so quickly when i'm labbing. when i see how my results don't appear as i thought they would. i told myself to take it one at a time but i'm not listening anymore. how to try and succeed trying?

now still at lab, trying to maximize time by staying later, doing more.... but i'm so tired. and i can see that so many people are tired too. i was as ambitious as to think i'd like to encourage them, but how is that possible when i drowned in my own fatigue?

i don't know why this work hurts and drains me so. i don't know why i can't see it in a brighter light, to see beyond the pipetting and waiting and hoping for a pretty gel picture or whatever good results to the real picture: research. the reason for it. why do people go through all this experimenting which all sounds so glamorous and simple than when its hands on.

ok.

now i see why i should write. i always seem to discover things when i write and not when i think through it in my head. i don't know if there's something wrong above my neck or that my fingers assist the head in thinking. i wanna laugh out loud but too lame. =/

time to work. to pipette few more liquids in a little tube and leave it overnight. always i've prayed that it would do what the steps required it to be done, but today, i've another thought to bring back with me: why am i doing all this?

hurting

2008-02-08T19:36:00.000+08:00

bleeding
i am bleeding
inside
outside
i have been pretending
smiling
but now
it's hard to even do that

saviour, saviour i need
my real self pushes the mask away
but i don't want to
don't know how to reveal
let me hide
let me die inside
as i bleed
as i bleed
and tears and blood mix
i
am hurting
crying?i don't know
help....

happy?=(

2008-01-24T13:24:00.000+08:00

i don't know where to start.

nowadays it seems like sadness is my middle name. i can't remember the last time i've felt so sad. before knowing and believing in Christ, yea, perhaps. i've had times when i felt i'm nearing depression. but after that, i don't quite remember having all those moments. but lately...since semester nearly began, i should think, i've been down. up sometimes, but then down again.

let's try today.

today is my birthday. turned 22. started yesterday shopping at midvalley, prayed for shoes and clothes for ma, and yes, i've got them! 2 heels with clasps for less than rm60, a nice off white sweater for 70% off, making it bout rm30 and a simple rm10 shirt for her to work in. i'm glad...i am. i felt happy again though before that i was down.

and going back to upm, kheng, jane and i managed to get on a komuter bus at 11pm...way after the designated time. it was good, it really was. and back at cafe, we had supper. met may fang, her friend, talked...then emily and wan leng came down and celebrated with me with a banjo as cake. it was good. it was.

this morning i woke happy. i told Father my birthday wish is to know Him more, get closer to Him. i came to lab and then class happy.

after class i wanted to reply amelia that i could have lunch with her but my phone had not enough credit. so i walked to where i believed is her office. empty. brother has not reloaded my credit. stuck. weather scorching. hot. alone. reminds me of my previous birthday. seems being alone is a norm. guess it stings a little more when its your birthday. expectations.

but is it that? or is there more? i don't know. so tired...so many times.

2008-01-04T20:37:00.000+08:00

christmas.

new year.

new sem.

last sem.

things and time have been flying and i have just been floating on it all. nothing too deep or nothing drenched me.

i was dry. i still am.

and it hurts~

=(

i don't understand what's happening. is passion something that holds one together? like ...something. i don't know what. sigh.

i think i've lost it, whatever it was. i used to be cheerful, well maybe not really but at least a little bit more on the bright side. now i'm drained. dried out. i can't remember how to be how i was anymore.

i was up for lotsa stuff. i was more energetic. i wanted to go to church and all things related to it. now i'm just a hermit poking out of her shell once in a while when people knock, just so they know i haven't died inside and cause a commotion and make my head throb more than it already has.

*swallow.

i'm not falling into depression right? i don't think i am. not because i think there is no reason to, because depression for me came when there is no cause to it, or probably there is, only that i can't find it. and its the most depressing thing.

experience has taught me that there are many things that can't lift your spirit up. perhaps the way to say it, in case you get me wrong, or i get me wrong another day i read this, is that i have found out there are many things in life i realise are not as meaningful as i used to believe.

4 flat semester results. i never had that. i had it twice in a row and when i saw it for the 2nd time, i wasn't overjoyed. i know it mattered so much to me anymore. don't get me wrong, i am grateful to God because i knew it was His grace, and i deserved it not. but it's just that i found out also, through that achievement, that it's not everything. there are more important things that scoring well for exams. bigger things.

and maybe it's time to hunt.explore. find it and hold on to it. that is, if or when i put my heart to open my prayer to my Heavenly Father, who waits patiently for me to ask Him, for He will give. if only i would ask. if only.

it's my fault.is it?

2007-10-22T12:25:00.000+08:00

:~(

we all make mistakes.

but sometimes some are more weighty than others. some involve lives. some more. some involve eternity.

i am God's child. i am His ambassador. what i do could reflect Him.

so when i do something wrong, it seems so much heavier. i'm not reflecting nor representing Him. i may cause His name to be blemished.

what's worse is that it may cause people who doesn't know Him yet to turn further away. they will see what i do , what i've done, and shake their head. i've pushed them further away from the Kingdom.

yes, there may be other ways. God can have His way, even when i am disobedient. but every life is so precious, time is being poured out, like water, never to be retrieved again. i just want to make best, every opportunity. i can't turn back this time again, or perhaps never be part of this friend's life again. while i am there, please just let me be the vessel that carries Jesus' light, that she may see and know, He is alive, that God is love, God is just.

God, may You have Your perfect will,
may Your grace touch me once again,
as i try to come back into Your presence,
as i try to be the willing
and obedient vessel,
may i know
it is by Your spirit
and not my works
that people are healed
that people hear You
and believe in You.

i will not lose hope for God is my Hope. and He is everlasting. no matter what i've done, His forgiveness is there, so long as i confess and believe. let me not take for granted, Your abundant mercies and love.

God, i know i can fall on You, my Rock. i trust that with a sincere heart, as i draw near, You would not despise me, though You've seen all my transgressions, my awful sins, my shameful acts, even my secret thoughts. You've seen it all, Lord, but You said,"Come." You promise to make me as white as snow, how i do not know. but no greater love can ever be found, ever be experienced, than this.

thank You Lord.

molecular faith

2007-10-18T16:11:00.000+08:00

that day, when i was doing my plasmid extraction, i noticed something.

at the step where i add stuff, here and there, centrifuge, pour off supernatant, bla bla... won't bore people with the details cos i am bored myself...well...guess what?

no pellet seen. i think my eyes widened a little (not much, can't be much) at the sight of the nothingness. my senior was with me, and i was assured that it could be there, just that i can't see it. and true enough, as i continued, moved on, when i added water, loaded it in the gel, and later stained and destained it, and viewed it under the UV light, it was there. there was something inside that tube, though i see it not, it was there.

do you know that feeling? of not seeing something, yet believing it is there, and you have to press on and continue, believing it IS there, until you can see the result in the end. and the result, is not the thingie itself. its a manifestation in other forms.

familiar? well, i dont know if im twisted, me and my mind, but it somehow reminds me of....

God.=)

i mean, i have never seen God. but i believe He is there. and i continue believing...and He shows Himself in ways...though i don't see Him in person, i see His wonderful works. He manifests Himself in ways. we don't see Him yet we know and believe He is there. Faith. =)

so how come people could believe in science, where there are so many things we can't see, that we have to figure out through some biochemistry or some difficult jargon, just to predict and make all sorts of theories about it, but find it so hard to believe in a Creator, so loving, so mighty....that He created us all, along with the world we live in, and all the sciences behind it?

people are dedicating their whole lives to discover new things, believing there is more and more. i'm not against that.....but i just thought, if they know who is the One behind it, that'll be more beautiful. and meaningful. and perhaps with every discovery, they learn more about the Maker. that will be the biggest picture. or should i say, the only picture? for all other things are just pieces from this picture, and they don't stand alone. isn't it more worth it, to dedicate our lives, for a cause bigger than ourselves, for a discovery that lasts for eternity? yes, discover science, but discover God in it, over it, above it.

are we really looking for hard evidences? or are we just hard inside?

the woman in my life

2007-10-18T15:08:00.000+08:00

ma,
that day i saw your face
up close
and i saw the wrinkles
fine lines on your eyes
and i realised
how long i've never
looked at your face

i realised
how much you
have given up
for me, for this family
how we have become your priority
your heart and soul
that you would put yourself second
to our needs

ma,
more than anything
it breaks my heart
to know
that our eternity
is not guaranteed
that i may not get to spend
ever after
with you
if you don't believe
in the only One
who gives this grace
this gift

ma!
so many times i wish
i knew how to tell you
i really love you
i want to hug you
close to me, my heart
and share Jesus with you

i wish you would believe
i wish we would enter heaven
i wish i knew
and not be afraid
of tomorrow
when i know where eternity is
for us

all your pain
all you have done
i just wish
ma...
i just wish
that you would know Jesus
then all will be fine
no matter what come may
all will be fine
we have eternity

ma,
i want to share eternity with you.

s h a ke n. .. .

2007-10-14T03:10:00.000+08:00

i am feeling so scared
so fearful inside
and nobody knows
except for God
so afraid
so embarrassed
i don't know to share it
how to ask for help
what's going to happen to me?
i thought its nothing
just something on the surface
but all the news im hearing
is blasting warning signs
it could be something more
deeper than skin
and images just wont leave
i think i can vomit
i really want to cry
and ask God that i wont be afflicted
that i wont go through that ugly scary phase
im so scared!
i cant do anything
felt almost numb with fear
i need to cry to God
i need to really sob
if i hold it anymore i'd break
im so scared.
=~(

the best giveaway!

2007-10-03T16:48:00.000+08:00

i am depressed! or rather, was. about my final year project! what seemed like a simple experiment made me all down and pressed and icky all inside. i can almost say i have never disliked (very close to loathing, despising, perhaps there already) anything as much. i find it so dificult, i find it so annoying....everything about it! i dont like the waiting, the no-result moments, the repetition, the lab work! i think going into lab for it depresses me, it sucked the life out of me, i could walk back from biotech3 crying. i could, but have never, mind you.

so as i was walking back, i talked to God. i told Him if He has brought me to it, He'd bring me through it. i won't scrape through this project almost dead, i'd emerge victorous because of Him. and the next morning i continue calling out to Him for help. as i prayed i realise i've got to make this His project. not mine, but His. and because it is His, i have released this burden to Him. i won't have to worry because He takes it away, He will see this project through because it is His. i am His servant to do the project, and because it is His i can find more passion, more determination and more direction. the project has more meaning, it found its meaning in Him!

God is soooo amazing! and so many times i forget the littlest stuff, of letting God into my life in every situation, like now. yet when i cry out to Him, He's patient enough to remind me. and graciously takes my worries away. no condemnation. wow.

of course, right now i'm still stuck at the beginning....results did not miraculously drop beautifully on my lap...yet. though He's perfectly able to perform miracles, i trust that He may have other plans. i will take on this road and trust in Him. i admit i don't pray once and be merry everyday. daily, more than once a day, i need Him to comfort me and tell Him my fears and sighs and whimpers and whines. but He's always there. He's the love that never lets me go. =)

and guess what? He heard my prayers and i have nice seniors to help me. i'm so glad. =D yup...this road is gonna teach me bout faith...lots. oh, and i prayed at the start for single colonies, for my 3 strains of lactococcus lactis, and they nicely came in single colonies! wow. this project requires me to continuously pray and believe. even in the things i can't see. but this is gonna be another chapter.=p

this is the time

2007-09-11T19:06:00.000+08:00

yawn!

it is the time of after midsem break, when you feel that you need more holidays but instead are greeted in uni with so much more work, most delayed from before break, and new works are catching up...all piling up high...while you frantically try to get back the study momentum, yet feel so laggy... sigh.

at times like this i should be doing my lab report due tomoro and preparing a good presentation worth 20% for thursday. yet i cant help but hop in here for a word.

it is a tiring time. but when more to feel the love of God, even in, or especially in, times of crisis? to know that in every circumstance, He still wants to sit with me and talk to me, and that i can pour out my worries to Him and trust Him in all that i need to do?

of course, having said all that beautiful things, i admit, and confess i am not perfect, far from it. i still stress, i still worry, but i'm so glad He's so patient with me. and that He can use any situation, though i may view it negatively, though by the world's standards are bad things, to bring a different kind of blessing in my life. because He knows best. He knows my deepest heart's desire. it is beyond what the world would comprehend. neither would i, till He shows me.

it is also at times like this, friends are precious, sisters are marvellous wonders, who support and encourage me in times of need. oh, what a blessing! to be able to encourage one another in the Lord, for we all are weak humans, but through our weaknesses we find strength in our Heavenly Father and through the family of Christ He put us with. it is then i am humbled by my own ability, and find that i need Him so much, and also the sisters He sent in my life.

He's my perfect Father, the constant listener, the ever faithful One. and though many times i've let Him down, i've been disobedient...He opens His arms and welcomes me back, if only i would. and i need His mercy so much, and will continue to need it. but i know i can count on it, for His love is everlasting.

may i not take it for granted!

my little seed of a dream

2007-07-23T17:39:00.000+08:00

jie min has a dream.

that little dream, or some call it wish, is to open a little cafe sort of stuff, and sell T-shirts, and maybe cakes and drinks. it seemed like a little dream, but seemed so far to me. brother said before if i am really so into it, i would be starting it in my own way now, like designing those tees and all. but i didnt. so perhaps im not so into it after all. wil this be another short lived dream, where i dance upon it for a little while.....before i hop on to the next thing?

i do hope not.

not so much as because the dream itself, but for me. i dont want to have short lived dreams and loves. i want something that lasts. i want to be sure that what i want now, i will want it later on in life.
sigh.
does anyone understand? i guess people do, im not so much of a complex creature. in a way, sometimes i feel the more i try to hide, the more im showing who i am inside.

insecure.

i am not as complex as i thought or want to be. at the end of the day, i am just me. i want my dreams. but i fear one day when the dream come to me, i wont be satisfied. crazy rite? yes i am. many would testify to that.

i only know that what will last is God's love for me. that was the only thing i know i'll never regret choosing. to believe in God, in Jesus, and what He did for me. for putting me into such a wonderful family, for saving me, for holding on to me when i thought i cant go on. He loves me, and because of that i know if i walk in His will, i;d never go wrong.

the perfect way. not the most easy way, but perfect in the sense that God chose it, and He knows what best for me. i could fall, be hurt, face things people maybe would rather not to, but if that is His way, that's the best. cause He;ll be with me, and He can overcome all things.

next problem. to know which is His way. with al the sounds from my own, the world, everythin else....i can;t recognize His voice. ah, and i cant blame it on the world when i myself do not try.

back to my little dream. O little dream, u r now a seed. if God will water u, if i continue to love u, u shall grow. but if i lost u in the course of my life, then....(swallow), sorry little one. perhaps u shall be a dream of another.

strength from joy?

2007-07-16T16:18:00.000+08:00

on saturday it seemed everything is gonna turn out wonderful. i felt sweet, i felt like i could feel the presence of my God, and its really sweet. after 2 nights of quite unhappy lonely sleep, the night where i cried out to God, i woke up in the morning with peace in my heart. God is real, and He loves me.

and just when i thought all;s gonna be well....

i felt tired again. i felt stretched. i felt headache. tired.

i know walking with God is not a sail thru the rainbows. its not happy skipping all the time. there are times for maturity in Christ, which will probably only come after tests. and sometimes i felt so inadequate, when my problems are as tiny as the grain of sand, whereas people are really suffering, dying, for Christ elsewhere. but i rest assured that God still loves me. i don't need to prove something to be called His child. i'm accepted by His grace alone.

so all this headache...because sometimes i forget. i forget to draw strength from Him, to let the joy of being with Him be my strength. too many times i want to rely on myself. i got all proud of all my lil achievements and thought "hey, i can do this". or can i? without Him all falls to pieces in the end, i know, and i'l be back to square 1, asking myself, so what do i really want?

for example. lets look at my blog here. i started off rambling. now i stop and wonder wut it is i reli wanna say. i haven said it. its like my life. in trying to do much, i hop around the places, touching a lil here, a lil there.....and end up forgetting what i wanted.

purpose. focus.

without these(and right ones), all fall down. its just like an empty broken shell. smiles and laughter, if not genuine, even those that i tried so hard to convince myself that is real, at the end of the day, felt like a burden to maintain. what;s lasting and real can only come from the Lord. joy....a supernatural gladness, one that transcends all situation, no matter how hopeless it may seem, can only come from my Creator. hey, if He create all things, surely He's the ultimate one to create joy, right?

what i could have done but did not

2007-07-03T07:27:00.000+08:00

there are many things in life that caused regret. but many times i assure myself, i can move on. try again another time. or perhaps its best it happened that way. somehow, i can let go. that the regret did not last too long.

but this time, its harder. cos i know there is no better way. there is only one way. and because of what i did not do, this way was not taken. of course, there may be a chance that even if i do it, that way may not be taken. it is something called freewill, where people decide what to do with their lives, and what happens after. but i could have at least tried! this person may not know at all. he could have chosen that way. and so i know it was me, who did not give that chance, by keeping silent. for being too afraid. and there is no second chance. for one did not die twice.

a family friend passed away yesterday, at 1pm something. i was shopping in kl, near pudu with aunt. but i have known earlier that this family friend was sick, and very unwell. i knew he was near death. we even visited him in hospital in ipoh. i wanted to tel him then. i found no courage. and after that he was discharged from hospital. my parents visited him in his house while my siblings and i stayed in an uncle's house watching our baby nephew. he was very weak then. could only speak a few words to my parents and slept. i didnt even pray for him. if i ever did, perhaps a lil while.

am i so unappreciative of people's lives??how could i? though i am not close to him, i knew him since a small child, and i know him as someone nice, a good friend of my father. but whatever it is, i have no excuse. no excuse not to share with him, to give a chance of eternal life. now it is too late. i was given a chance, and i did not give him that.

children of God have a big responsibility. and i do not know how to ask for forgiveness from God, for myself, that i did not do what i should.

for the girl's rainbows&clouds

2007-04-13T15:32:00.000+08:00

i love you, you, you, you and you sooooo much! but i can't say it out. i hope u understand. i don't know how. it's just never done. but i really hope that one day, we can all say that, show that, freely... one day...one day...

there is a girl whom i know, whom i love, who wants to slide down the rainbows and hop from cloud to cloud.... and she yearns for that. and oh if only i could tell her, that there is One, if He could make the rainbows, surely He is able to make a slide out of it, if He could make the clouds, won't He let His children dance upon them? and He so loved His children in this world that He would send His perfect Son to suffer the cross, that through Him we may live. isn't this love perfect enough? if only i could her, this girl, whom i love, but not as much as He loves her, this girl, whom i know, but not as much as the Heavenly Father who made her, and knew every strand of hair on her head, and knows every tear she cry. when will she know? when will i tell her?

lonely & longings, parents here&above

2007-04-09T12:56:00.000+08:00

i am a very torn person. i might as well be created in a few, no, make that many many, pieces. though i still believe that God knows what's best for me and still created me in one piece. i can feel that i really love to go bck home, but i also know that i am here, in my varsity, for a reason. this battle i've been fighting since donkey years. okay, maybe i exaggerated, but the frequency of me yearning to go back and being reminded that i'm to appreciate my time while i'm here is just too high. so here i learn that there is a wide gap between knowing and understanding. a huge gulf between having knowledge and letting that knowledge impact my life.

yesterday was easter. i told my dear friend the night before that it didn't mean that much to me. not that the events that happened on this day 2000 years back did not impact me, it very much did. but for me it's just some sort of anniversary, for me it's not as if Jesus really died again, though it is good to remember on this day. but on this day itself, i found myself wondering if i should be out there doing something. it just felt terribly weird to be sitting alone in the room. i thought i had overcome loneliness in room, but i haven't. it just haven't kicked in. but when it did, how depressing it could be!

from the moment i woke till late at night... sigh....

it is at these moment i feel lonely. not only because there is no one else in the room, but the realization that when i really need someone, i can't think of who to turn to. undoubtedly, yes, my Father in Heaven, his son Jesus, the Holy Spirit... but who among my earthly friends will i turn to? it is at these times when i can't think of someone that it hurts me. this is when i feel all alone. the knowledge that i don't have one close enough to cry on.

ask, and it will be given. i always used to think that i shouldn't be greedy, i shoudn't ask for so much, then i won't seem demanding in my parents' eyes. that was probably my approach for my natural family. but perhaps i have made my Heavenly Father too small in my heart. like brother philip yeoh said, God is our EPF-ever protective father, ever providing father, and ever prosperous father. all things under Heaven is His. it wouldn't cost Him much to give me what i want, so long it;s not destructive. in fact i believe He'd love to bless me, as a parent would lovingly do. it's true that i shouldn't ask for too many things from my earthly parents, i know they may have to work extra hard or sacrifice something for stuff that i may want. but my Heavenly Father is so much more able. i hope i am not in the danger of sounding like i'm not appreciative of my wonderful, beloved, God-given parents. i love them to bits. they gave and continue giving me so much, i know it's not easy.

now if only they could lean on this Father in Heaven too. if only they'd allow Him to take over their lives, their burdens and worries, their fears and troubles that wrinkle their faces. oh what joy then! i want to change my 'if only's to 'when only's. i will trust in my Father, this time will come to pass.

ask, and it will be given. ask, in Jesus' name. ask, according to His will. and did He not create them as well? are they not His children, whom He loves as well? surely He cared for them more than i can ever do, and loved them more than i can ever will. and surely, as the sun rises, He long for them to return to Him, that He may give them His light yoke, and that they would find rest in Him.

hunger for home

2007-03-31T13:57:00.000+08:00

praise be to God!

the blood contract was highly successful, and my friend accepted Christ. angels in heaven rejoice, as do other friends. and i am glad....though i am not sure how much she knew what was happening. but it was like me...that night when i raised my hand to accept Christ...i was not sure. i was in doubt, and i didnt know if i made the right choice.

but here i am now. and i don't regret one bit that i made that decision.

another day i will talk about that Mega Decision that changed my life. now i am feeling selfish and petty.
i want to talk about how much im still missing home. its crazy, im crazy, but its still true. i still yearn for home so much. i want to be where my family is..now.
sigh.

so much more to learn. i know i am here for a purpose, the reason why God has blessed me in my studies, brought me all the way...its not just to keep thinking of home, home, and home alone. there;s more to be done here... and painful decisions need to be made so that i wont be a hermit at home. yeah, some may snicker and say...talk about not going home as if its soooo BIG a sacrifice. but it hurts me, and since no one reads this blog, and no one so far knows its me, im gona say it.

i miss my home and it hurts when i didn;t go home especially that chance dangled in front of me(sis goin bck).

but no regrets of choosing blood contract over going home. i only wished that sis went back later, so that i could have the best of both worlds, go church, then home. but perhaps ...er, not perhaps, but surely God has other plans? and i will have to believe that His ways are higher than my ways, and in His way is the best way.

all to You O God i bring. and i trust this Jesus who died for me, that He loved me enough to know my pain and heart's desires, and He will carry me through. don't know how, but He will.
amen!

heart:handle with care

2007-03-30T11:59:00.000+08:00

It's amazing how raw emotions are when tears are flowing,
How piercing every drop does to the heart,
And a simple gesture of offered tissue,
May touch the heart with such gratitude.

What about the days when tears are kept,
But the heart has bled,
Words can't come as you would want them to,
Trust in the Lord, said a friend so true.

reflections...long overdue

2007-03-04T16:09:00.000+08:00

yesterday was a day of van-sitting

a bunch of us went for jo's dad's memorial in ipoh....we spent 7hours on the road and 2 hours in ipoh. jo gave an eulogy... and when he spoke it occured to me, so painfully, that i have not been appreciating my own father enough. have i looked at his face recently? have i been talking to him? have i even tried? i have not. and it scares me that i dont have very much time... and my family is not saved. i told myself then that i want to make the best of the time i have to love them, to show them that i do love them. all these while i seem to have taken them for granted. i hear what jo says about his father, praying for each and every one of his children, and i realise i could have done the same. like what i;ve read somewhere, praying for your loved ones is a sweet duty. why haven i been doing just that?

and when the pastor spoke of faith in the service, i realise how much faith can impact people. and i wonder....have i been living a life of faith? is the way im practicing my faith impacting people around me? i thought of ting, and how she sometimes tink i;m someone so optimistic. and sometimes i felt she;s overestimating the kind of person i am. i am not always so wonderfully full of hope and trust and joy. many times im down, depressed and sad. and i know i cant just live a life of faith just so that it can be shown to people. that;s hypocrisy. i should be living a life of faith because of Jesus, because my God is a wonderful God whom i cant trust in.

and it is this God whom i am going to trust in, for all my desires. my desire to see my family be saved, that they will come to know of this joy of knowing there is this God who cares for them, so that they will not need to worry, that they could just leave their burdens for Him. i long for them to know Him, but i wonder if i am showing them, through my life, the joy of knowing Him? there;s so many things i should have reflected on earlier....but i was too lazy to do so. and this is where i went wrong.

i can only be thankful that God is a God of mercy and grace, and that He would pick me up again whenever i fall, as i continue trying. and continue battling my indecisiveness. and being torn as to whether i should stop joining stuff so that i'd be free to go home, or commit myself to activities and risk not being free to go home during weekends, i have kinda come to the decision that it's all in God's hands. i will just have to try to see where He wants me to go and just go, believing that He will make a way....for my desires and His may not be mutually exclusive. my desire to love my family, to see them get saved, is also His desire. He loves them too. but i can;t plan so much ahead right? He can. i have to take one step at a time, trying to walk in the path that He wants me to.

and the thing now is to know...which path He wants me to walk? there are many ways to serve, i know i cant grab it all and end up just touching the surface without commiting myself to it... more consideration, and mostly prayer is needed. =)

seperti pungguk rindukan bulan=P

2007-03-04T15:58:00.000+08:00

i did something that i cant describe as funny or foolish.

i woke up at 5.25am this morning to hopefully see the eclipse that eugenie mentioned, but i just remember waking up and trying extremely hard to peer at the round bright thing in the sky through my room window in UPM. at 1st i cant, and i really didnt wan to leave the room, for laziness n safety reasons. thus i nearly climb back into bed and dreamland, but i gave one last try at opening the windows as big as possible and trying different angles to look at the moon/sun. i kinda did, but probably due to my sleepy n blur eyes i cant remember much. i remember it was bright....very bright..

i wonder if it was real, but i was quite certain its only a dream. i saw many movements near the sun/moon (at that time i believe its the moon)... it is probably just a dream. i set my alarm at 6.30am but never woke again till near afternoon. and there was so muc dream....sigh..of cousins, coursemate...jumbles..

if i ever doubt, read this!

2007-03-02T11:47:00.000+08:00

my eyes are blur and i think i may faint,(yesterday slept at 3stg am and woke at 6stg to finish up work)

but its not gonna stop me from proclaiming right here that God is good! yes...though i came back to UPM from home and wonderful CNYdelicacies and comfort and all on monday and still feel depressed, God has been so good to me.

let's backtrack a lil...

n monday i was terribly sad, feeling alone... i felt like i dont want to ever leave my home, my comfort zone. UpM= work, stress, everything bad. but i am here=(

tuesday i found out my marketing result....44/50 for objectiv, 26/50 for essay!! overall its 10.5/15 but i thought i had done better for my essays. after the class, i wanted to just leave, but i just had to know where i went wrong. so i asked the lecturer if i could see the paper. he said he'd bring it on thurs.

wednesday....depression carried on. i feel more lost than ever. i dont know what's happening! i just felt something inside was screaming for something....is it God i am so longing for?? then how come i cant just pick myself up and seek Him? i just find it hard to do anything...sigh. and near evening i realise what it was. i cant live without God. i feel like i could die. and it's true. without Him i would die. ikatan kristian had MAN..missions awareness night. it was much more entertaining than i thought it would be. but because my consciousness level is dropping now i would have to leave it to another day.

thursday! this is the day when i found out that my marketing result is actually 13.5/15....cos my essay actually is 46/50 ( i think my grammar is going off..more off than usual cos im reli reli tired)..there was some mistake! praise God..Hallelujah!! thank God that He made me ask, and find this out. i know i dont ever deserve such blessings, it was and is and always will be because of His grace and mercy, but His love keeps astounding me. i marvel at how He can keep giving me blessings when urm, i dont seem to love or care to seek Him that much....i always seem to stumble in my quest to commit to Him but He didnt stop loving me...sigh..where else can i find this insistent love?
He places people around me that cared for me, and i am so touched! i am overwhelmed..and many times lost for words. like now...im searching for words to type here...=P

i want to sing, i want to dance, i want to even cry! how do i proclaim His love to others? how do i glorify His name for the wonderful results He gives me? i really want to... if i dont i fear i will eventually take the credit for myself, when it is all God's grace.

indeed, how do i speak of the indescribable...as one of my favorite song goes. my....so babbling i seem to be. never mind...i hope when one day i read this back i;d understand one thing: GOD loves me.=) this is to remind me whenever i wonder or doubt. He loves me, always, unconditionally, forever.... whoa...going to start babbling again.

God loves me. =D

ramblings of craziness

2007-02-23T15:52:00.000+08:00

i just cant stand it anymore.
i lied again. again and again i lied to God, myself.... and i feel i'm breaking so badly inside. too many times i've said i won't stumble when i'm home, i'd stick to what i said i would, and i fall flat on my face. and it hurts, yet i refuse to do anything about it.

i am tired. sad. broken.

it's 2 more days before i have to leave, and its killing me. i dont want to leave. i havent done what i feel like i should do here yet. every morning i wake up and hate myself for waking up late because im wasting precious time. but when i have the time, i dont know what to do. i'm lost. i'm confused.

a heart nudged by a dream

2007-02-13T17:30:00.000+08:00

today i had a dream...i am not sure if its called one...cos its rather jumbled up, as is my norm of dreams. well, perhaps this time its clearer than previous ones, at least i remembered certain parts of it.

there was some sort of blood donation thingie going on...and i remember a friend of mine,ymn saying good things about it, and even making souvenirs of some sort to give out to those who donates. there is this machine to make this souvenir, and another friend, myyng was operating it. i went up and wanted to operate it, but when i did, i realise i did not know how.

after that i remember taking a walk around some sort of hall with yet another friend, hws, and i saw statues, one of which i believe to be Jesus. there was another statue wrapped up, and nearly fell, but i managed to stabilize it.

when i woke, somehow i remembered on friday night before, what jrj spoke of dreams, of it being the manifestation of the subconscious mind, and that every dream has its interpretation. when i thought about it, i wonder if it has anything to do with the dance team/ministry i am seriously considering to join. am i being told in some way that i may not be able to do what i thought i'd love to do? will i join and then realise i can't do it?

what about the statues? surely i am not treating my Lord Jesus as a statue in my life? it scares me to think if i did... and i really don't want to do it. but what if i am?? i know there is this need in me to grow deeper with God, but somehow i felt lost. how?i so fear...that i am just going about the surface..that i am not opening my heart enough... or at all.

as pastor jentzen franklin said, beneath that pure wedding dress on your wedding day, would I, and could I, say that i've been pure inside? in matters of sexual purity, perhaps. but deeper than that, my spirituality? for i know He looks deeper than it all, right into my heart.
and i fear of what He may find there.

i know He is a God of Love who would take me as i am. but would i let Him in??

letting go...

2007-02-08T14:16:00.000+08:00

i remember there were many things i had wanted to write...but everytime i either had to chance to online or just went blank in front of the screen. or i started wondering if i should write what i wanted to write.

well let's just begin with what i can remember...

firstly, converge. before starting his sermon, pastor george prayed that after that session, we would begin to see Jesus in a different way, in a way that we never did before. little did i know those beautiful but not too rare a phrase, showed its impact as a power of prayer that night. he spoke much about the generation who would usher in the 3rd converge, but pardon me if i missed some points or totally lost his speech in translation. still, what i understand and extracted from it was that i am one of those mentioned in the generation who would witness that. he mentioned certain points and characteristics of this generation, of being passionate, intimate, music loving, loud and united. i admit i do not think i have all that. in my mind i began to wonder...am i part of that generation? still, i was not too affected by all he said, until towards the end, he spoke of isaac and rebekah.

at this point i must say...stories in the bible have a way of talking to us in so many ways, i don't think there is ever a bottomline of it. it may just be a simple story of people finding a good wife and living happily ever after, but time after time there will be more it. the story doesn't change...our understanding has...praise God...and i thank the Holy Spirit for opening our eyes and hearts, even at times when we didn't cry out for it. He,indeed, is all loving.

rebekah. a woman, kind hearted enough to water the camels, suddenly finds herself being asked for marriage, for someone she has never seen before, in somewhere far away from her family, from all that she has ever known... and she has no time to say goodbye, only one night, and after that she has to go. what did she do? she said 'yes'. her family, who had hoped she would stay for bout 10 days, asked her opinion, and she said 'yes', she'll go.

wow.

can i ever be that ready? i honestly told my friend sitting next to me, i'm not ready. i can't let go of my family. i don't want to leave them... i can't do it. it seems that they are all that is familiar to me, all i have ever held on to, they are who i love.

but when those who are ready to leave it all for God were asked to stand, i find myself standing, not because i can't control my legs or anything, but i was this weak girl who faced peer pressure and always ended up following what others are doing. i stood. and i thought of my hypocrisy.

to be continued....

what's a birthday?

2007-01-24T13:40:00.000+08:00

it's easy the first time. birthday is that day when i was born into this world, the day God brought me into Earth, my first breath of air...

now what about the years following that? the same date, of other years? it seemed birthday consists of
a)birthday cake
b)celebration
c)the song
d)presents

in short its to make someone feel special, it's their special day, they are special that day.

turning 21 this year, on this day, in campus...i had some time to ponder. not because i'm free, it's just because i'm self-absorbed. whether its the fault of birthday tradition n mentality or the plain fact that i am vain, i dont know, but i am self absorbed.

i expected to be surrounded by people, doing something different, feeling very important, etc...but nope. it's just any other day. it's just that yesterday midnight i had a celebration with friends, a birthday cake, and 2 presents. i was so high then. and it kinda plummeted today. everyone is back to their schedule...and i'm still left thinking, it's my day.

i am not saying i should be given special honour and all. i am saying it's time i stop being so self-obsessed and place myself so high up there. cause i'm not. the world didn;t stop rotating just because i was born.

lunch!just found someone to have lunch with. thought i was going to not eat as i dont feel like eating alone. =)

i thank God for teaching me new things everyday. i have no doubt i am special, that i am fearfully and wonderfully made, that my God is a creative God. but its time to know my place too.