too hard a heart

let's have a little science class here.i will try to do the best i can with my limited knowledge and hopefully i wont lead people astray.

in dr ho's class, we learnt that when plant cells are wounded, it will secrete a phenolic compound. this will attract a plant virus (agrobacterium) which will infect that wounded cell and the result: the plant will have a tumor, evident from a bulge in the stem. ah what a smart virus. attacks when there is an opportunity. moves in when the cell is wounded and the defense is down.

i wonder...what about hearts?

when something as fragile as hearts gets wounded, do we know it? do we see what comes to our rescue ...or what comes to destroy?

its getting boring. yea i cant write to satisfy when i'm trying to make it sound so knowledgable.

i'm hurt. my heart, its wounded. so many times i've hurt, i want to cry, but either i swallow it down, hard or just get involved in something else. i didnt even do it on purpose. somehow things just crop up and i conveniently forgot to sit down and search my heart. didnt try to look inside to find the cause and heal the bleeding heart. and as it bleeds, it gets weaker. it pumps slower. the beat, barely there. just because i let it bleed.

and when i want to do it now, its harder. you know how it is when there is a wound, if it does not heal properly, it'll not be pretty. the skin would be harder, rough, because it doesnt want to get hurt easily again. and i feel that's what's happening to my heart now. hurt before, and having no proper medicine to cure it, it finds its own mechanism. grow harder. resist. don't let things touch you that easily. such a thick skin around the heart. what a fort. i wonder how i breathed.

pastor dalbir once said whatever that happens in the physical world is reflective of that in spiritual.

i keep waiting for someone to come and tear away this scar tissue so that new skin could grow again, that i would be made whole. just as what dr lai said, how the doctor attending to her wound tore away the skin that forms over the wound when it is not good, he'd do that even though its painful for her, because he didn't want her to carry that scar for the rest of her life. he did that for her sake. would i rather live with the scar forever, probably in shame and self consciousness, low confidence, trying to hide? or brace myself for the pain which will remove the longer term of pain?

i've been waiting but i've been lazy. i expect my doctor to come, kick open the door and treat me. but i had not invited Him, and has even avoided and resisted Him. how could this gentleman heal a heart that shut Him off?

why can't i just open up my heart?

fear.

as silly as it sounds, i'm afraid. scared of what may happen cos i know its going to be big. major change. and i'm afraid of that. i know that i'd probably be changed for the better. and yet... something in me fears that i won't. that i'd be the same still me. that i expected too much. and i risk being disappointed again.

faith.

i lack of it. how to pray in faith for more of faith? yet what is impossible with man is possible with God.

supertiredpurgings

jiemin almost cant take this anymore.

days of digging for strength, squeezing the belief that all will be alright...all seems to dry up so quickly when i'm labbing. when i see how my results don't appear as i thought they would. i told myself to take it one at a time but i'm not listening anymore. how to try and succeed trying?

now still at lab, trying to maximize time by staying later, doing more.... but i'm so tired. and i can see that so many people are tired too. i was as ambitious as to think i'd like to encourage them, but how is that possible when i drowned in my own fatigue?

i don't know why this work hurts and drains me so. i don't know why i can't see it in a brighter light, to see beyond the pipetting and waiting and hoping for a pretty gel picture or whatever good results to the real picture: research. the reason for it. why do people go through all this experimenting which all sounds so glamorous and simple than when its hands on.

ok.

now i see why i should write. i always seem to discover things when i write and not when i think through it in my head. i don't know if there's something wrong above my neck or that my fingers assist the head in thinking. i wanna laugh out loud but too lame. =/

time to work. to pipette few more liquids in a little tube and leave it overnight. always i've prayed that it would do what the steps required it to be done, but today, i've another thought to bring back with me: why am i doing all this?

hurting

bleeding
i am bleeding
inside
outside
i have been pretending
smiling
but now
it's hard to even do that

saviour, saviour i need
my real self pushes the mask away
but i don't want to
don't know how to reveal
let me hide
let me die inside
as i bleed
as i bleed
and tears and blood mix
i
am hurting
crying?i don't know
help....

happy?=(

i don't know where to start.

nowadays it seems like sadness is my middle name. i can't remember the last time i've felt so sad. before knowing and believing in Christ, yea, perhaps. i've had times when i felt i'm nearing depression. but after that, i don't quite remember having all those moments. but lately...since semester nearly began, i should think, i've been down. up sometimes, but then down again.

let's try today.

today is my birthday. turned 22. started yesterday shopping at midvalley, prayed for shoes and clothes for ma, and yes, i've got them! 2 heels with clasps for less than rm60, a nice off white sweater for 70% off, making it bout rm30 and a simple rm10 shirt for her to work in. i'm glad...i am. i felt happy again though before that i was down.

and going back to upm, kheng, jane and i managed to get on a komuter bus at 11pm...way after the designated time. it was good, it really was. and back at cafe, we had supper. met may fang, her friend, talked...then emily and wan leng came down and celebrated with me with a banjo as cake. it was good. it was.

this morning i woke happy. i told Father my birthday wish is to know Him more, get closer to Him. i came to lab and then class happy.

after class i wanted to reply amelia that i could have lunch with her but my phone had not enough credit. so i walked to where i believed is her office. empty. brother has not reloaded my credit. stuck. weather scorching. hot. alone. reminds me of my previous birthday. seems being alone is a norm. guess it stings a little more when its your birthday. expectations.

but is it that? or is there more? i don't know. so tired...so many times.

christmas.

new year.

new sem.

last sem.

things and time have been flying and i have just been floating on it all. nothing too deep or nothing drenched me.

i was dry. i still am.

and it hurts~

=(

i don't understand what's happening. is passion something that holds one together? like ...something. i don't know what. sigh.

i think i've lost it, whatever it was. i used to be cheerful, well maybe not really but at least a little bit more on the bright side. now i'm drained. dried out. i can't remember how to be how i was anymore.

i was up for lotsa stuff. i was more energetic. i wanted to go to church and all things related to it. now i'm just a hermit poking out of her shell once in a while when people knock, just so they know i haven't died inside and cause a commotion and make my head throb more than it already has.

*swallow.

i'm not falling into depression right? i don't think i am. not because i think there is no reason to, because depression for me came when there is no cause to it, or probably there is, only that i can't find it. and its the most depressing thing.

experience has taught me that there are many things that can't lift your spirit up. perhaps the way to say it, in case you get me wrong, or i get me wrong another day i read this, is that i have found out there are many things in life i realise are not as meaningful as i used to believe.

4 flat semester results. i never had that. i had it twice in a row and when i saw it for the 2nd time, i wasn't overjoyed. i know it mattered so much to me anymore. don't get me wrong, i am grateful to God because i knew it was His grace, and i deserved it not. but it's just that i found out also, through that achievement, that it's not everything. there are more important things that scoring well for exams. bigger things.

and maybe it's time to hunt.explore. find it and hold on to it. that is, if or when i put my heart to open my prayer to my Heavenly Father, who waits patiently for me to ask Him, for He will give. if only i would ask. if only.

it's my fault.is it?

:~(

we all make mistakes.

but sometimes some are more weighty than others. some involve lives. some more. some involve eternity.

i am God's child. i am His ambassador. what i do could reflect Him.

so when i do something wrong, it seems so much heavier. i'm not reflecting nor representing Him. i may cause His name to be blemished.

what's worse is that it may cause people who doesn't know Him yet to turn further away. they will see what i do , what i've done, and shake their head. i've pushed them further away from the Kingdom.

yes, there may be other ways. God can have His way, even when i am disobedient. but every life is so precious, time is being poured out, like water, never to be retrieved again. i just want to make best, every opportunity. i can't turn back this time again, or perhaps never be part of this friend's life again. while i am there, please just let me be the vessel that carries Jesus' light, that she may see and know, He is alive, that God is love, God is just.

God, may You have Your perfect will,
may Your grace touch me once again,
as i try to come back into Your presence,
as i try to be the willing
and obedient vessel,
may i know
it is by Your spirit
and not my works
that people are healed
that people hear You
and believe in You.

i will not lose hope for God is my Hope. and He is everlasting. no matter what i've done, His forgiveness is there, so long as i confess and believe. let me not take for granted, Your abundant mercies and love.

God, i know i can fall on You, my Rock. i trust that with a sincere heart, as i draw near, You would not despise me, though You've seen all my transgressions, my awful sins, my shameful acts, even my secret thoughts. You've seen it all, Lord, but You said,"Come." You promise to make me as white as snow, how i do not know. but no greater love can ever be found, ever be experienced, than this.

thank You Lord.

molecular faith

that day, when i was doing my plasmid extraction, i noticed something.

at the step where i add stuff, here and there, centrifuge, pour off supernatant, bla bla... won't bore people with the details cos i am bored myself...well...guess what?

no pellet seen. i think my eyes widened a little (not much, can't be much) at the sight of the nothingness. my senior was with me, and i was assured that it could be there, just that i can't see it. and true enough, as i continued, moved on, when i added water, loaded it in the gel, and later stained and destained it, and viewed it under the UV light, it was there. there was something inside that tube, though i see it not, it was there.

do you know that feeling? of not seeing something, yet believing it is there, and you have to press on and continue, believing it IS there, until you can see the result in the end. and the result, is not the thingie itself. its a manifestation in other forms.

familiar? well, i dont know if im twisted, me and my mind, but it somehow reminds me of....

God.=)

i mean, i have never seen God. but i believe He is there. and i continue believing...and He shows Himself in ways...though i don't see Him in person, i see His wonderful works. He manifests Himself in ways. we don't see Him yet we know and believe He is there. Faith. =)

so how come people could believe in science, where there are so many things we can't see, that we have to figure out through some biochemistry or some difficult jargon, just to predict and make all sorts of theories about it, but find it so hard to believe in a Creator, so loving, so mighty....that He created us all, along with the world we live in, and all the sciences behind it?

people are dedicating their whole lives to discover new things, believing there is more and more. i'm not against that.....but i just thought, if they know who is the One behind it, that'll be more beautiful. and meaningful. and perhaps with every discovery, they learn more about the Maker. that will be the biggest picture. or should i say, the only picture? for all other things are just pieces from this picture, and they don't stand alone. isn't it more worth it, to dedicate our lives, for a cause bigger than ourselves, for a discovery that lasts for eternity? yes, discover science, but discover God in it, over it, above it.

are we really looking for hard evidences? or are we just hard inside?