Thank You for letting my heart break, because i know You will mold it again, into the shape You desired.
thank You for allowing the pain, because You teach those whom You love.
thank You for my weakness, so i can find in You strength.
thank You for these trials, because You knew how much i can take, and through it i am built.
thank You for never letting go.
thank You for watching my tears and letting me know You hurt when i do, probably more so.
thank You for providing friends whom i can say confidently that they love me. teach me to love them more.
thank You for Your unending patience, through my whines and rants You persevered.
thank You for never condemning me to be self-centred though i keep thinking of myself.
thank You for loving me unconditionally.
thank You for Hope.
thank You for Faith.
thank You, Love.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Friday, February 6, 2009
random wriggles
glancing through my previous post, i realised i've been a melancholic, pathetic whiner. what a joy-sapper. so much for the initial hope of writing a blog so as to give hope. actually that's not quite true, perhaps. i had wanted to share my journey and hopefully encourage people and give God the glory. overly noble statement. which reminds me i had in my heart yelled at a certain someone for being a self-righteous pig. i did. what a judgemental person i am. i wonder how much people can read my thoughts. i've imagined what if people are able to hear my thoughts. there was once these series on tv where this guy's thoughts was audible. poor guy! people around him had to act that they didn't know. i'm so glad God didn't let such stuff happen. erm, unless if it does happen, and i was the one being kept in the dark. oh but then....i should not control my evil thoughts only for the fear of people knowing right? for God knows my every thoughts, all that is in my heart. i believe a friend once told me that a good thing done/a bad thing not done just for the sake of people's approval is not a good motivation. i forgot the exact term. ahem.
being the long winded person i am, i have succeeded to write a whole paragraph on something that i have not planned to. oh yeah. i was going to write about history. the history of my sad blogs. sad to say, i am still sad. in fact, i think i'm sadder. i don't know. i know i don't want to write any more sad stories.
hrm. i used to be able to write more freely when no one knows of this address, but now i get more conscious.
before i try to sound more proper, i want to allow myself a paragraph of what i felt. i don't remember washing my eyes so many times, i used to think i have no tears. lately, as i read xtraordinary faith i would do that, it must be sheila's words and my broken heart added together to that effect. but i even practice caution, in case anyone should be back and see my state. so i controlled myself. more so at work.i guess i do feel very lonely where i am, i don't think i have any friends, i can't seem to trust people, so i always have to be on guard. i guess it made me really tired. do you know being defensive can be tiring?
so i was mistaken. i used to think i want to be in a challenging working place, wearing formal clothes, doing business, all that. but either i have the wrong perception of how it should it, or i was wrong about what i want or the place is wrong. but i think i don't want all this anymore. in the end, i just feel like i'm not suitable for such complex thing. i'm just a simple person, not the corporate high-flyer. i used to carry that pride thinking i'm smart, but now i'm humbled. at least some good came out of it, huh.
i used to think i'd like to dabble in law, business, projects, hospitals. i didn't expect God to provide such a package, but where i am, yeah, i could see stuff like that. only that i didn't expect i'd be so unhappy. and now i'm so afraid to ask for anything, because i have that fear i don't know what i want at all. can i walk away from where i am if i don't know where to go?
it had crossed my mind if God had forgot to programme me with a passion, but because He is perfect, He wouldn't have done this mistake. so what have i done with my passion? have i buried it so deep i've lost it? has it decayed beyond recognition? will i ever find it again? i used to think passion for God is good enough, but i see people serving God with what they are good at, and i think i need that too. not only so i can serve God, but that i can live my life to the full as well. doing what i love to do, doing it well, for a good cause. i'm tired thinking bout this for so long already. the people around me are tired with this topic. i don't want to talk to them about it anymore. but it just won't go away. i feel so stupid for writing it here but it's my blog rite? its where i can dump what i need to get out of my system.
having said that i want to thank my sister for providing the wireless modem so that i can wallow here, and for loving me, for coming all the way to insist on bringing me to the doctor, which, in the end, was just so near i could walk there. but i really didn't want to be a burden to her and her other half.
i can't really write focused anymore. random things fly about, all the warm chicken shits: learning mandarin, piano, dancing, writing stories...all getting cold.
being the long winded person i am, i have succeeded to write a whole paragraph on something that i have not planned to. oh yeah. i was going to write about history. the history of my sad blogs. sad to say, i am still sad. in fact, i think i'm sadder. i don't know. i know i don't want to write any more sad stories.
hrm. i used to be able to write more freely when no one knows of this address, but now i get more conscious.
before i try to sound more proper, i want to allow myself a paragraph of what i felt. i don't remember washing my eyes so many times, i used to think i have no tears. lately, as i read xtraordinary faith i would do that, it must be sheila's words and my broken heart added together to that effect. but i even practice caution, in case anyone should be back and see my state. so i controlled myself. more so at work.i guess i do feel very lonely where i am, i don't think i have any friends, i can't seem to trust people, so i always have to be on guard. i guess it made me really tired. do you know being defensive can be tiring?
so i was mistaken. i used to think i want to be in a challenging working place, wearing formal clothes, doing business, all that. but either i have the wrong perception of how it should it, or i was wrong about what i want or the place is wrong. but i think i don't want all this anymore. in the end, i just feel like i'm not suitable for such complex thing. i'm just a simple person, not the corporate high-flyer. i used to carry that pride thinking i'm smart, but now i'm humbled. at least some good came out of it, huh.
i used to think i'd like to dabble in law, business, projects, hospitals. i didn't expect God to provide such a package, but where i am, yeah, i could see stuff like that. only that i didn't expect i'd be so unhappy. and now i'm so afraid to ask for anything, because i have that fear i don't know what i want at all. can i walk away from where i am if i don't know where to go?
it had crossed my mind if God had forgot to programme me with a passion, but because He is perfect, He wouldn't have done this mistake. so what have i done with my passion? have i buried it so deep i've lost it? has it decayed beyond recognition? will i ever find it again? i used to think passion for God is good enough, but i see people serving God with what they are good at, and i think i need that too. not only so i can serve God, but that i can live my life to the full as well. doing what i love to do, doing it well, for a good cause. i'm tired thinking bout this for so long already. the people around me are tired with this topic. i don't want to talk to them about it anymore. but it just won't go away. i feel so stupid for writing it here but it's my blog rite? its where i can dump what i need to get out of my system.
having said that i want to thank my sister for providing the wireless modem so that i can wallow here, and for loving me, for coming all the way to insist on bringing me to the doctor, which, in the end, was just so near i could walk there. but i really didn't want to be a burden to her and her other half.
i can't really write focused anymore. random things fly about, all the warm chicken shits: learning mandarin, piano, dancing, writing stories...all getting cold.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Birthday Bits
For my 2009 birthday, of which i am already 23, i had some unexpected events.
First would be the early wishers rank. First place goes to (all names shall be dotted in between to avoid my site being found just because someone googled these fellas; an advice i read from someone's blog) t.su.yi.n. she aimed for it, and she got it! second; e.uge.ne, with his well-intentioned advice to rock the house with my birthday announcement. method: pillow smack. i considered that, thought of my cousins sleeping soundly, and went to sleep instead. it was a nice thought though. i'd do that when i'm less sober. ahem, 3rd place goes to ch.ea.h who seemed pretty happy with that ranking. 4th is me lil sis, 5th q.ihui, 6th joa.nn, 7th je.rem.y, 8th han.yue.n, 9th liy.uin, 10th ch.orja.ur. i don't mean anything by stating who ranked where, just that i realised it was really quite out of my expectation. not a bad thing though. =)
getting up at 3.40am to journey back to taiping from kl, having only 3 hours plus of sleep, i think i am entitled to be more blur. but hey, i did perasanly expect people in taiping to plan something up for me. after all, people sms-ed and ask when i'll be around. so i waited. and thus came chuah's suggestion for badminton at 5pm. okay.... so i had a little thought that perhaps they might want to celebrate that time, at the court. or perhaps talk about meeting up later at night. and i suspected nothing of chuah coming to pick me at the shop and bringing me back to house to get changed. in fact before she came i literally passed out from sleepiness and only woke 20minutes prior her arrival. so yes, i was in a dizzy state. i didn't think much of her sensitivity in not allowing me to check her phone. either i was really blur or she's a good actress. i'd hate to admit either one. =P
got to my house, the gate is open. few slippers on the porch. hrm, i thought perhaps lil sis has her friends over. chuah conveniently says she need the loo. and hurried me as we were late. my lil sis offered her help by saying she can't find the racquets. so i hurried past the living room....
to a sudden singing of happy birthday from the stairs. i don't know what expression i gave. i know as pictures were snapped i was continually asking if i could change clothes. i felt so shabby! haha. but they shoved the cake in my hands and made me make a wish, blow candles, cut cake. yes, it IS a surprise. i didn't expect them to barge in my house and conspire with my family way before i touch taiping town. ah, so now i see how my family can act. i never suspected them! naivety is me. i had really expected badminton.
well, as my mum says, better to have all these surprises while i'm young and the heart is strong. so to those peeps, you know who you are. thanks a million for proving that i can be surprised, and my heart is healthy. honestly, i really do like surprises. Pleasant ones, please. =D
First would be the early wishers rank. First place goes to (all names shall be dotted in between to avoid my site being found just because someone googled these fellas; an advice i read from someone's blog) t.su.yi.n. she aimed for it, and she got it! second; e.uge.ne, with his well-intentioned advice to rock the house with my birthday announcement. method: pillow smack. i considered that, thought of my cousins sleeping soundly, and went to sleep instead. it was a nice thought though. i'd do that when i'm less sober. ahem, 3rd place goes to ch.ea.h who seemed pretty happy with that ranking. 4th is me lil sis, 5th q.ihui, 6th joa.nn, 7th je.rem.y, 8th han.yue.n, 9th liy.uin, 10th ch.orja.ur. i don't mean anything by stating who ranked where, just that i realised it was really quite out of my expectation. not a bad thing though. =)
getting up at 3.40am to journey back to taiping from kl, having only 3 hours plus of sleep, i think i am entitled to be more blur. but hey, i did perasanly expect people in taiping to plan something up for me. after all, people sms-ed and ask when i'll be around. so i waited. and thus came chuah's suggestion for badminton at 5pm. okay.... so i had a little thought that perhaps they might want to celebrate that time, at the court. or perhaps talk about meeting up later at night. and i suspected nothing of chuah coming to pick me at the shop and bringing me back to house to get changed. in fact before she came i literally passed out from sleepiness and only woke 20minutes prior her arrival. so yes, i was in a dizzy state. i didn't think much of her sensitivity in not allowing me to check her phone. either i was really blur or she's a good actress. i'd hate to admit either one. =P
got to my house, the gate is open. few slippers on the porch. hrm, i thought perhaps lil sis has her friends over. chuah conveniently says she need the loo. and hurried me as we were late. my lil sis offered her help by saying she can't find the racquets. so i hurried past the living room....
to a sudden singing of happy birthday from the stairs. i don't know what expression i gave. i know as pictures were snapped i was continually asking if i could change clothes. i felt so shabby! haha. but they shoved the cake in my hands and made me make a wish, blow candles, cut cake. yes, it IS a surprise. i didn't expect them to barge in my house and conspire with my family way before i touch taiping town. ah, so now i see how my family can act. i never suspected them! naivety is me. i had really expected badminton.
well, as my mum says, better to have all these surprises while i'm young and the heart is strong. so to those peeps, you know who you are. thanks a million for proving that i can be surprised, and my heart is healthy. honestly, i really do like surprises. Pleasant ones, please. =D
Friday, January 2, 2009
Thursday, December 11, 2008
of sadness
i need to believe that this God who loves me will allow me to be sad, hurt and disappointed. yea, He wants me to be happy, but i suppose some lessons can only be learn in not so happy ways. why do i feel like crying when i can't, and when i can i can't? i mean to say that it is at inconvenient time and place that i suddenly want to cry. but then, perhaps at a conveniently comfortable place i don't have that much need to cry anyway.
i've talked to God and thought that He wants me to be here. but when i am here, i'm rocked from that belief. does He really want me to be here? i'm sad here. does He want me to be sad? which goes back to the first paragraph.
the thing is, i'm sure it is not God ultimate plan to make me sad (like,duh!). but people get sad for many reasons, one of it out of not understanding, or not accepting. anyway, sadness is a feeling hard to avoid. we all go through it i suppose. sorry, i'm dizzy and quite suffocated from holding myself together. it is only normal for words to spew funnily.
is this Your place for me here? if yes, please strengthen me to go through it.
i've talked to God and thought that He wants me to be here. but when i am here, i'm rocked from that belief. does He really want me to be here? i'm sad here. does He want me to be sad? which goes back to the first paragraph.
the thing is, i'm sure it is not God ultimate plan to make me sad (like,duh!). but people get sad for many reasons, one of it out of not understanding, or not accepting. anyway, sadness is a feeling hard to avoid. we all go through it i suppose. sorry, i'm dizzy and quite suffocated from holding myself together. it is only normal for words to spew funnily.
is this Your place for me here? if yes, please strengthen me to go through it.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
uncheerful
as of today, i'm feeling quite lethargic and not too cheerful.
ever have that feeling that you're not happy where you are but you stayed on, trying to believe, perhaps already believing that though it doesn't feel like it, this is where you need to stay. there is no future or anything that interests you, nothing, really, to cause you to stay, but you felt like you should.
forgive me. one day i hope it make sense.
but today i hope to make it worthwhile. i really hope that i won't wait so hard for the future that i missed the present. it is my belief that no matter how sucky it may seem at the time being, God waste no time in letting us live life to the full. yes, i may be here for another purpose, of which one day i will understand, but even before my mind is allowed to comprehend, there is more to be done. you can say it is part of the story that paints the whole picture in the end.
it is quite a pain to be in the dark, uncertain and unhappy. but i suppose when happiness is out of the way, it gives way to joy to shine. many times we mix them up, not telling one from the other. but joy prevails, even when we're sad. it's hard to explain, i can't tell if it's harder to experience. but because joy is something that comes from above, i believe if we ask, we will receive.
i realised i have not asked.
ever have that feeling that you're not happy where you are but you stayed on, trying to believe, perhaps already believing that though it doesn't feel like it, this is where you need to stay. there is no future or anything that interests you, nothing, really, to cause you to stay, but you felt like you should.
forgive me. one day i hope it make sense.
but today i hope to make it worthwhile. i really hope that i won't wait so hard for the future that i missed the present. it is my belief that no matter how sucky it may seem at the time being, God waste no time in letting us live life to the full. yes, i may be here for another purpose, of which one day i will understand, but even before my mind is allowed to comprehend, there is more to be done. you can say it is part of the story that paints the whole picture in the end.
it is quite a pain to be in the dark, uncertain and unhappy. but i suppose when happiness is out of the way, it gives way to joy to shine. many times we mix them up, not telling one from the other. but joy prevails, even when we're sad. it's hard to explain, i can't tell if it's harder to experience. but because joy is something that comes from above, i believe if we ask, we will receive.
i realised i have not asked.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
called
reminder to self: a higher calling is not the call to something higher, but from One highest.
i suppose sometimes i want great things, and yes, He can give it, but then again i need to remember why i want those things. and if He should not give it to me, it is probably for my own good. but then, again, what's great? my opinion of greatness may differ from His. His ways are after all, higher than mine. and because He is in a higher position, He can see things clearly, in the BIG picture. so i trust His judgement. even though i don't understand it most of the time, i seem to suffer because i don't like what i'm going through, i just hope i love Him enough to trust Him. and that i won't waste where He has brought me, for there is a purpose to fulfill.
here i could write like it's so easy and simple but in reality i struggle and writhe and whine. and sometimes there are things so obviously right and easy to do but i just refuse to do it.
i suppose sometimes i want great things, and yes, He can give it, but then again i need to remember why i want those things. and if He should not give it to me, it is probably for my own good. but then, again, what's great? my opinion of greatness may differ from His. His ways are after all, higher than mine. and because He is in a higher position, He can see things clearly, in the BIG picture. so i trust His judgement. even though i don't understand it most of the time, i seem to suffer because i don't like what i'm going through, i just hope i love Him enough to trust Him. and that i won't waste where He has brought me, for there is a purpose to fulfill.
here i could write like it's so easy and simple but in reality i struggle and writhe and whine. and sometimes there are things so obviously right and easy to do but i just refuse to do it.
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