F-u(ture)

i know not what the future holds for me, but i know He holds my future.

rubbish of the system

i know You must know what i'm going through.
i know sadness can't be Your plan for me, though i am sad perpetually.
i know this and that, but there must be more than knowing. there must be more to life.
is there a long road between knowing and believing? believing to trusting? trusting to surrendering? how far?

this is not what You want of me, yet i can't let go.

why am i afraid to laugh, to show love?
why do i dread walking into Your house, to see people, in families and feel alone?
have i lost hope? do i still dare to hope?
i'm afraid that they ask, and i have no answers. i know it's You and not me, but see, i just know.

life is full of dreams, but i am not living any.

running from situations is no good, but embracing it seems harder. its always prettier in the past, or future, but not the present. the mind plays games the person does not understand. i'm speaking words that i probably do not understand or believe.

hmpf.

there's more

sometimes i wonder i'm where He wants me to be.

sometimes i wonder if truly listen, and follow only when it suits me.

i'm wondering if i'm lukewarm and comfortable with it.

i wonder if i'm more concerned with how people see me than how i want to be seen by Him.

i wonder if i have traded my self for acceptance.

i wonder if i think too much. and do too little. and pray even less.

i don't know who i am, and have i, in my quest to find myself, lost sight of Him?

i read a friend's blog today, whom i discovered through links here and there. it's amazing how God is using her in her life, and made me realise i am not giving my life fully for the One who gave His for me. it made me sad, it also woke me up. prayer is a 2-way communication, i can't be the only one talking. i want to persist in listening, though i can't recognize the voice, yet i will remember that He is full of grace, and He is God.

i am actually thankful that He allows storms in my life, so i look for shelter in Him. i hope that every obstacle nudges me closer to Him. but i pray that that's not just it. when i walked to the front and said i dedicate my life to Him, i want to live it. there's more potential released when i surrender. there is courage needed in surrendering. even to the hands of a loving God.

splash in the dry land!

lunch at the nasi ekonomi stall today turned out to be a superb experience, not found in any starry hotels or fine dining. or even quirky concept cafes.

foodwise, normal. but halfway through we were entertained with little fountains of water dripping enthusiastically from the leaking roof. on our table, in front of our food. needless to say, some of my colleague's rice had extra soup. as we ate hurriedly, the makcik cleverly pushed the table to one side so that the fountains hit the floor instead, but our backs hit the other customers.

ah such heavy rain. and five of us were without brollies. wait lah.

we were huddled close, with the wind bringing the rain to us, and one colleague fearing the speeding cars that may send a splash from the puddle to her. then we noticed the swaying roof. maybe we should stand under another roof nearby. which was fine until we saw the longkang nearby was nearly overflowing. in no time, where we were standing were flooded. i tried my best to soak the heels and save as much of my larrie shoes as possible, but unless we stand on stools that was not likely. at times like this, who should come swimming in the flood but a syringe? we stared at it, thoughts of its previous use running in our heads. later as we were discussing, i realised there were 2 small cuts on my feet from the blisters. =/ i got lazy calculating the probabilities because my beloved shoes are soaked. and my polka white shirt is wet.

the rain was relentless! we had to change positions and all but we cannot run away from the rain. so we did it. we ran all the way back to the office, which is not far, but we had to splash through eeky water which probably came from the longkang and run in the rain, without brollies. in my white shirt. aih....

back at office, we went all the way up to 4th floor, where they have more toilets for us to wash feet. ah they have dryer there too, and a kind aunty suggested i go under that device to dry my shirt. and my drowned larries...i tried to wipe and dab but until now its still cold and wet. and guess what was our next activity?

sauna.

purely so that we can dry ourselves and our clothes. i was barbequeing larries when one of them suggested that it may grow bigger, as its leather. ok then.

seriously where else can anyone get such an experience, just by going to lunch in a simple nasi ekon stall? oh, anyone. you just need the weather, the longkang and the sauna.

if i should get any unwanted, suspicious disease, please remember this incident and don't get funny ideas.

but all in all, i had great fun! i started laughing the moment the fountains came. and i think this is gonna stay in my head and heart long after i leave, and i'd cherish this piece of memory, probably a lot more than other things from here.

thanks, God.

ps: i didnt dry my skirt and had to sit on it. that's no fun.

cages we build

i realised that sometimes i hold on the anger or pain as a defence. i wallow in it and allow it to build a strong, fat wall around me. sometimes there is that thought of breaking it down with hope, that chance. but sometimes i thought i'd secure myself in sadness, holding on to it, almost becoming comfortable with self-pity. funny isnt it. that fear/laziness to change, even for the better. maybe being happy makes us more vulnerable. maybe sad people has less to lose. yeah, because they have lost.

let's break free from the cage of self pity.

heartstrings

heart, i have said, is the darndest thing.

its strings have a way of getting intertwined with many things, causing tugs that may cause heartache.

allow me to introduce my dog, nicky, to the picture. he very well knows he should not pee in the house. but my family has relented and come to accept he will, at one certain spot, in the upstairs living room. so newspapers were laid for that little king to do his business.

but it's not enough for him.

i was back last weekend, and we were playing carrom in the downstairs living room. he must have felt much neglected, and to turn our attention back to him, he peed beside the laptop bag. right next to it. any bigger puddle, our laptop will be sitting wet. i cannot blame my brother for scolding him, and intimidating him with rolled newspaper. in fact, my brother was kind enough to make loud slaps on the floor, and not on nicky. up to the balcony he was shoo-ed, as a punishment of sort. but nicky has the nerve to pee in the upstairs living room the next time he got in. i caught him doing it halfway! so kena again lah from my brother. nicky has a way of looking very sorry and pitiful everytime this happens. but really, if he knew its wrong, then why do it?? while my brother is trying to scold and teach him, he attempted to bite! sigh. things got worse. as much as i felt sorry for nicky, he is in the wrong. when he got banished to the balcony, quite by force, i felt so sad for him. he was whining and crying, but to discipline him, we had to do it.

and that is why i think i won't keep a dog. if i have one, other than having to take care of it food and lodging, i have to worry about its comfort and happiness. i don't think i can provide all these, so i'm sure the dog is better off with someone else. then i wouldn't be burdened with the extra heartstrings attached as well. to me, it is a commitment, and that can be my 2nd worst trait, after indecisiveness. people may say i'm cold, maybe i am. but i am just trying to protect myself from more heartaches. and i am not kind enough to give so much of myself to really make that dog's day. so if i can't commit, better don't start.

yes i have a big issue with commitment. i am afraid of it. but what about friendships and family? how come i don't see them that way? maybe it is only scary when i am responsible for the other party.

i need to take care of the dog. it's my responsibility. if i sponsor a child in world vision, that is a responsibility. which is why i'd rather make a general donation than sponsor a specific child. i am afraid of that commitment, of the thought that the child would depend on me. i am afraid of more strings attached.

yes, i know that this fear would hold me back from truly daring to love people, to care. and i will live less fulfilled. but i am afraid.

i don't know how to love like God, to give His all, knowing He won't receive back all the love He has given. Opening Himself to the hurts that will follow, facing rejection and disappointment. Yet ever ready to love again.

even when i fall

a thousand times i've failed
still Your mercy remains
and should i stumble again
i'm caught in Your grace