did i miss it?

i don't understand what has come over me.

i think it began on sunday, when i talked to charis, in nyonya colors. she was saying how some were collecting callings, because some were called but did not respond. which also reminded me what ern had said before, it is really how one responds to something. and when charis said that, i was just..terasa. i felt that i had not responded well. i felt that i have missed out on God's plan, and i wish to get back into that original plan. it's scary to think that He would have passed me by because i did not have the faith to go where He had wanted me to. it's a heartbreaking thought, to be left behind.

it was like that story of Saul and David. how Saul was chosen but then rejected. i feel sad for him, really, because i felt i might have done the same. i know, yes, that God is merciful, that He does not strike one away because of mistakes, as can be seen in His grace to David when he sinned. but David is a man after God's heart, whereas i can't say that for myself. i doubt how much i truly love God, in fact. so far i don't think my actions bore any strong testimony to that.

more is to come. my ex-coursemate cum colleague, hongjie, has seen a door open, to dance. and it is what he really likes, i suppose. how many people had such a chance? i mean, when he volunteered for events, i had already thought that it's great to be able to do what your heart desires. and now, to go fully into it? its a path that a little scary, because it's not the most common of options, yet so exciting! i am happy for him, whichever choice he may make. but at the same time, it got me thinking about myself. what is it that i really want? again, to that unanswered question i had for so long, what is my passion?

what is it that i'm good at and would love to do? have God actually brought me to an open door but i walked away from it? will He then give another that path? have i missed it?

but wait. what is it that i'm worried about now? that i lost a gift or that i disappointed Him? at times like this i'm forced, fortunately, to remember that what mattered most is Him. not the gifts or the road or the past, but to focus on Him, and be assured that whichever way that is to be will be good, as long as i'm with Him. because, in the end, all i do, i want it to be about Him.

i may be uncertain about many things, but i am certain of His love.