it's my fault.is it?

:~(

we all make mistakes.

but sometimes some are more weighty than others. some involve lives. some more. some involve eternity.

i am God's child. i am His ambassador. what i do could reflect Him.

so when i do something wrong, it seems so much heavier. i'm not reflecting nor representing Him. i may cause His name to be blemished.

what's worse is that it may cause people who doesn't know Him yet to turn further away. they will see what i do , what i've done, and shake their head. i've pushed them further away from the Kingdom.

yes, there may be other ways. God can have His way, even when i am disobedient. but every life is so precious, time is being poured out, like water, never to be retrieved again. i just want to make best, every opportunity. i can't turn back this time again, or perhaps never be part of this friend's life again. while i am there, please just let me be the vessel that carries Jesus' light, that she may see and know, He is alive, that God is love, God is just.

God, may You have Your perfect will,
may Your grace touch me once again,
as i try to come back into Your presence,
as i try to be the willing
and obedient vessel,
may i know
it is by Your spirit
and not my works
that people are healed
that people hear You
and believe in You.

i will not lose hope for God is my Hope. and He is everlasting. no matter what i've done, His forgiveness is there, so long as i confess and believe. let me not take for granted, Your abundant mercies and love.

God, i know i can fall on You, my Rock. i trust that with a sincere heart, as i draw near, You would not despise me, though You've seen all my transgressions, my awful sins, my shameful acts, even my secret thoughts. You've seen it all, Lord, but You said,"Come." You promise to make me as white as snow, how i do not know. but no greater love can ever be found, ever be experienced, than this.

thank You Lord.

molecular faith

that day, when i was doing my plasmid extraction, i noticed something.

at the step where i add stuff, here and there, centrifuge, pour off supernatant, bla bla... won't bore people with the details cos i am bored myself...well...guess what?

no pellet seen. i think my eyes widened a little (not much, can't be much) at the sight of the nothingness. my senior was with me, and i was assured that it could be there, just that i can't see it. and true enough, as i continued, moved on, when i added water, loaded it in the gel, and later stained and destained it, and viewed it under the UV light, it was there. there was something inside that tube, though i see it not, it was there.

do you know that feeling? of not seeing something, yet believing it is there, and you have to press on and continue, believing it IS there, until you can see the result in the end. and the result, is not the thingie itself. its a manifestation in other forms.

familiar? well, i dont know if im twisted, me and my mind, but it somehow reminds me of....

God.=)

i mean, i have never seen God. but i believe He is there. and i continue believing...and He shows Himself in ways...though i don't see Him in person, i see His wonderful works. He manifests Himself in ways. we don't see Him yet we know and believe He is there. Faith. =)

so how come people could believe in science, where there are so many things we can't see, that we have to figure out through some biochemistry or some difficult jargon, just to predict and make all sorts of theories about it, but find it so hard to believe in a Creator, so loving, so mighty....that He created us all, along with the world we live in, and all the sciences behind it?

people are dedicating their whole lives to discover new things, believing there is more and more. i'm not against that.....but i just thought, if they know who is the One behind it, that'll be more beautiful. and meaningful. and perhaps with every discovery, they learn more about the Maker. that will be the biggest picture. or should i say, the only picture? for all other things are just pieces from this picture, and they don't stand alone. isn't it more worth it, to dedicate our lives, for a cause bigger than ourselves, for a discovery that lasts for eternity? yes, discover science, but discover God in it, over it, above it.

are we really looking for hard evidences? or are we just hard inside?

the woman in my life

ma,
that day i saw your face
up close
and i saw the wrinkles
fine lines on your eyes
and i realised
how long i've never
looked at your face

i realised
how much you
have given up
for me, for this family
how we have become your priority
your heart and soul
that you would put yourself second
to our needs

ma,
more than anything
it breaks my heart
to know
that our eternity
is not guaranteed
that i may not get to spend
ever after
with you
if you don't believe
in the only One
who gives this grace
this gift

ma!
so many times i wish
i knew how to tell you
i really love you
i want to hug you
close to me, my heart
and share Jesus with you

i wish you would believe
i wish we would enter heaven
i wish i knew
and not be afraid
of tomorrow
when i know where eternity is
for us

all your pain
all you have done
i just wish
ma...
i just wish
that you would know Jesus
then all will be fine
no matter what come may
all will be fine
we have eternity

ma,
i want to share eternity with you.

s h a ke n. .. .

i am feeling so scared
so fearful inside
and nobody knows
except for God
so afraid
so embarrassed
i don't know to share it
how to ask for help
what's going to happen to me?
i thought its nothing
just something on the surface
but all the news im hearing
is blasting warning signs
it could be something more
deeper than skin
and images just wont leave
i think i can vomit
i really want to cry
and ask God that i wont be afflicted
that i wont go through that ugly scary phase
im so scared!
i cant do anything
felt almost numb with fear
i need to cry to God
i need to really sob
if i hold it anymore i'd break
im so scared.
=~(

the best giveaway!

i am depressed! or rather, was. about my final year project! what seemed like a simple experiment made me all down and pressed and icky all inside. i can almost say i have never disliked (very close to loathing, despising, perhaps there already) anything as much. i find it so dificult, i find it so annoying....everything about it! i dont like the waiting, the no-result moments, the repetition, the lab work! i think going into lab for it depresses me, it sucked the life out of me, i could walk back from biotech3 crying. i could, but have never, mind you.

so as i was walking back, i talked to God. i told Him if He has brought me to it, He'd bring me through it. i won't scrape through this project almost dead, i'd emerge victorous because of Him. and the next morning i continue calling out to Him for help. as i prayed i realise i've got to make this His project. not mine, but His. and because it is His, i have released this burden to Him. i won't have to worry because He takes it away, He will see this project through because it is His. i am His servant to do the project, and because it is His i can find more passion, more determination and more direction. the project has more meaning, it found its meaning in Him!

God is soooo amazing! and so many times i forget the littlest stuff, of letting God into my life in every situation, like now. yet when i cry out to Him, He's patient enough to remind me. and graciously takes my worries away. no condemnation. wow.

of course, right now i'm still stuck at the beginning....results did not miraculously drop beautifully on my lap...yet. though He's perfectly able to perform miracles, i trust that He may have other plans. i will take on this road and trust in Him. i admit i don't pray once and be merry everyday. daily, more than once a day, i need Him to comfort me and tell Him my fears and sighs and whimpers and whines. but He's always there. He's the love that never lets me go. =)

and guess what? He heard my prayers and i have nice seniors to help me. i'm so glad. =D yup...this road is gonna teach me bout faith...lots. oh, and i prayed at the start for single colonies, for my 3 strains of lactococcus lactis, and they nicely came in single colonies! wow. this project requires me to continuously pray and believe. even in the things i can't see. but this is gonna be another chapter.=p