happy?=(

i don't know where to start.

nowadays it seems like sadness is my middle name. i can't remember the last time i've felt so sad. before knowing and believing in Christ, yea, perhaps. i've had times when i felt i'm nearing depression. but after that, i don't quite remember having all those moments. but lately...since semester nearly began, i should think, i've been down. up sometimes, but then down again.

let's try today.

today is my birthday. turned 22. started yesterday shopping at midvalley, prayed for shoes and clothes for ma, and yes, i've got them! 2 heels with clasps for less than rm60, a nice off white sweater for 70% off, making it bout rm30 and a simple rm10 shirt for her to work in. i'm glad...i am. i felt happy again though before that i was down.

and going back to upm, kheng, jane and i managed to get on a komuter bus at 11pm...way after the designated time. it was good, it really was. and back at cafe, we had supper. met may fang, her friend, talked...then emily and wan leng came down and celebrated with me with a banjo as cake. it was good. it was.

this morning i woke happy. i told Father my birthday wish is to know Him more, get closer to Him. i came to lab and then class happy.

after class i wanted to reply amelia that i could have lunch with her but my phone had not enough credit. so i walked to where i believed is her office. empty. brother has not reloaded my credit. stuck. weather scorching. hot. alone. reminds me of my previous birthday. seems being alone is a norm. guess it stings a little more when its your birthday. expectations.

but is it that? or is there more? i don't know. so tired...so many times.

christmas.

new year.

new sem.

last sem.

things and time have been flying and i have just been floating on it all. nothing too deep or nothing drenched me.

i was dry. i still am.

and it hurts~

=(

i don't understand what's happening. is passion something that holds one together? like ...something. i don't know what. sigh.

i think i've lost it, whatever it was. i used to be cheerful, well maybe not really but at least a little bit more on the bright side. now i'm drained. dried out. i can't remember how to be how i was anymore.

i was up for lotsa stuff. i was more energetic. i wanted to go to church and all things related to it. now i'm just a hermit poking out of her shell once in a while when people knock, just so they know i haven't died inside and cause a commotion and make my head throb more than it already has.

*swallow.

i'm not falling into depression right? i don't think i am. not because i think there is no reason to, because depression for me came when there is no cause to it, or probably there is, only that i can't find it. and its the most depressing thing.

experience has taught me that there are many things that can't lift your spirit up. perhaps the way to say it, in case you get me wrong, or i get me wrong another day i read this, is that i have found out there are many things in life i realise are not as meaningful as i used to believe.

4 flat semester results. i never had that. i had it twice in a row and when i saw it for the 2nd time, i wasn't overjoyed. i know it mattered so much to me anymore. don't get me wrong, i am grateful to God because i knew it was His grace, and i deserved it not. but it's just that i found out also, through that achievement, that it's not everything. there are more important things that scoring well for exams. bigger things.

and maybe it's time to hunt.explore. find it and hold on to it. that is, if or when i put my heart to open my prayer to my Heavenly Father, who waits patiently for me to ask Him, for He will give. if only i would ask. if only.