praise be to God!
the blood contract was highly successful, and my friend accepted Christ. angels in heaven rejoice, as do other friends. and i am glad....though i am not sure how much she knew what was happening. but it was like me...that night when i raised my hand to accept Christ...i was not sure. i was in doubt, and i didnt know if i made the right choice.
but here i am now. and i don't regret one bit that i made that decision.
another day i will talk about that Mega Decision that changed my life. now i am feeling selfish and petty.
i want to talk about how much im still missing home. its crazy, im crazy, but its still true. i still yearn for home so much. i want to be where my family is..now.
sigh.
so much more to learn. i know i am here for a purpose, the reason why God has blessed me in my studies, brought me all the way...its not just to keep thinking of home, home, and home alone. there;s more to be done here... and painful decisions need to be made so that i wont be a hermit at home. yeah, some may snicker and say...talk about not going home as if its soooo BIG a sacrifice. but it hurts me, and since no one reads this blog, and no one so far knows its me, im gona say it.
i miss my home and it hurts when i didn;t go home especially that chance dangled in front of me(sis goin bck).
but no regrets of choosing blood contract over going home. i only wished that sis went back later, so that i could have the best of both worlds, go church, then home. but perhaps ...er, not perhaps, but surely God has other plans? and i will have to believe that His ways are higher than my ways, and in His way is the best way.
all to You O God i bring. and i trust this Jesus who died for me, that He loved me enough to know my pain and heart's desires, and He will carry me through. don't know how, but He will.
amen!
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Friday, March 30, 2007
heart:handle with care
It's amazing how raw emotions are when tears are flowing,
How piercing every drop does to the heart,
And a simple gesture of offered tissue,
May touch the heart with such gratitude.
What about the days when tears are kept,
But the heart has bled,
Words can't come as you would want them to,
Trust in the Lord, said a friend so true.
How piercing every drop does to the heart,
And a simple gesture of offered tissue,
May touch the heart with such gratitude.
What about the days when tears are kept,
But the heart has bled,
Words can't come as you would want them to,
Trust in the Lord, said a friend so true.
Sunday, March 4, 2007
reflections...long overdue
yesterday was a day of van-sitting
a bunch of us went for jo's dad's memorial in ipoh....we spent 7hours on the road and 2 hours in ipoh. jo gave an eulogy... and when he spoke it occured to me, so painfully, that i have not been appreciating my own father enough. have i looked at his face recently? have i been talking to him? have i even tried? i have not. and it scares me that i dont have very much time... and my family is not saved. i told myself then that i want to make the best of the time i have to love them, to show them that i do love them. all these while i seem to have taken them for granted. i hear what jo says about his father, praying for each and every one of his children, and i realise i could have done the same. like what i;ve read somewhere, praying for your loved ones is a sweet duty. why haven i been doing just that?
and when the pastor spoke of faith in the service, i realise how much faith can impact people. and i wonder....have i been living a life of faith? is the way im practicing my faith impacting people around me? i thought of ting, and how she sometimes tink i;m someone so optimistic. and sometimes i felt she;s overestimating the kind of person i am. i am not always so wonderfully full of hope and trust and joy. many times im down, depressed and sad. and i know i cant just live a life of faith just so that it can be shown to people. that;s hypocrisy. i should be living a life of faith because of Jesus, because my God is a wonderful God whom i cant trust in.
and it is this God whom i am going to trust in, for all my desires. my desire to see my family be saved, that they will come to know of this joy of knowing there is this God who cares for them, so that they will not need to worry, that they could just leave their burdens for Him. i long for them to know Him, but i wonder if i am showing them, through my life, the joy of knowing Him? there;s so many things i should have reflected on earlier....but i was too lazy to do so. and this is where i went wrong.
i can only be thankful that God is a God of mercy and grace, and that He would pick me up again whenever i fall, as i continue trying. and continue battling my indecisiveness. and being torn as to whether i should stop joining stuff so that i'd be free to go home, or commit myself to activities and risk not being free to go home during weekends, i have kinda come to the decision that it's all in God's hands. i will just have to try to see where He wants me to go and just go, believing that He will make a way....for my desires and His may not be mutually exclusive. my desire to love my family, to see them get saved, is also His desire. He loves them too. but i can;t plan so much ahead right? He can. i have to take one step at a time, trying to walk in the path that He wants me to.
and the thing now is to know...which path He wants me to walk? there are many ways to serve, i know i cant grab it all and end up just touching the surface without commiting myself to it... more consideration, and mostly prayer is needed. =)
a bunch of us went for jo's dad's memorial in ipoh....we spent 7hours on the road and 2 hours in ipoh. jo gave an eulogy... and when he spoke it occured to me, so painfully, that i have not been appreciating my own father enough. have i looked at his face recently? have i been talking to him? have i even tried? i have not. and it scares me that i dont have very much time... and my family is not saved. i told myself then that i want to make the best of the time i have to love them, to show them that i do love them. all these while i seem to have taken them for granted. i hear what jo says about his father, praying for each and every one of his children, and i realise i could have done the same. like what i;ve read somewhere, praying for your loved ones is a sweet duty. why haven i been doing just that?
and when the pastor spoke of faith in the service, i realise how much faith can impact people. and i wonder....have i been living a life of faith? is the way im practicing my faith impacting people around me? i thought of ting, and how she sometimes tink i;m someone so optimistic. and sometimes i felt she;s overestimating the kind of person i am. i am not always so wonderfully full of hope and trust and joy. many times im down, depressed and sad. and i know i cant just live a life of faith just so that it can be shown to people. that;s hypocrisy. i should be living a life of faith because of Jesus, because my God is a wonderful God whom i cant trust in.
and it is this God whom i am going to trust in, for all my desires. my desire to see my family be saved, that they will come to know of this joy of knowing there is this God who cares for them, so that they will not need to worry, that they could just leave their burdens for Him. i long for them to know Him, but i wonder if i am showing them, through my life, the joy of knowing Him? there;s so many things i should have reflected on earlier....but i was too lazy to do so. and this is where i went wrong.
i can only be thankful that God is a God of mercy and grace, and that He would pick me up again whenever i fall, as i continue trying. and continue battling my indecisiveness. and being torn as to whether i should stop joining stuff so that i'd be free to go home, or commit myself to activities and risk not being free to go home during weekends, i have kinda come to the decision that it's all in God's hands. i will just have to try to see where He wants me to go and just go, believing that He will make a way....for my desires and His may not be mutually exclusive. my desire to love my family, to see them get saved, is also His desire. He loves them too. but i can;t plan so much ahead right? He can. i have to take one step at a time, trying to walk in the path that He wants me to.
and the thing now is to know...which path He wants me to walk? there are many ways to serve, i know i cant grab it all and end up just touching the surface without commiting myself to it... more consideration, and mostly prayer is needed. =)
seperti pungguk rindukan bulan=P
i did something that i cant describe as funny or foolish.
i woke up at 5.25am this morning to hopefully see the eclipse that eugenie mentioned, but i just remember waking up and trying extremely hard to peer at the round bright thing in the sky through my room window in UPM. at 1st i cant, and i really didnt wan to leave the room, for laziness n safety reasons. thus i nearly climb back into bed and dreamland, but i gave one last try at opening the windows as big as possible and trying different angles to look at the moon/sun. i kinda did, but probably due to my sleepy n blur eyes i cant remember much. i remember it was bright....very bright..
i wonder if it was real, but i was quite certain its only a dream. i saw many movements near the sun/moon (at that time i believe its the moon)... it is probably just a dream. i set my alarm at 6.30am but never woke again till near afternoon. and there was so muc dream....sigh..of cousins, coursemate...jumbles..
i woke up at 5.25am this morning to hopefully see the eclipse that eugenie mentioned, but i just remember waking up and trying extremely hard to peer at the round bright thing in the sky through my room window in UPM. at 1st i cant, and i really didnt wan to leave the room, for laziness n safety reasons. thus i nearly climb back into bed and dreamland, but i gave one last try at opening the windows as big as possible and trying different angles to look at the moon/sun. i kinda did, but probably due to my sleepy n blur eyes i cant remember much. i remember it was bright....very bright..
i wonder if it was real, but i was quite certain its only a dream. i saw many movements near the sun/moon (at that time i believe its the moon)... it is probably just a dream. i set my alarm at 6.30am but never woke again till near afternoon. and there was so muc dream....sigh..of cousins, coursemate...jumbles..
Friday, March 2, 2007
if i ever doubt, read this!
my eyes are blur and i think i may faint,(yesterday slept at 3stg am and woke at 6stg to finish up work)
but its not gonna stop me from proclaiming right here that God is good! yes...though i came back to UPM from home and wonderful CNYdelicacies and comfort and all on monday and still feel depressed, God has been so good to me.
let's backtrack a lil...
n monday i was terribly sad, feeling alone... i felt like i dont want to ever leave my home, my comfort zone. UpM= work, stress, everything bad. but i am here=(
tuesday i found out my marketing result....44/50 for objectiv, 26/50 for essay!! overall its 10.5/15 but i thought i had done better for my essays. after the class, i wanted to just leave, but i just had to know where i went wrong. so i asked the lecturer if i could see the paper. he said he'd bring it on thurs.
wednesday....depression carried on. i feel more lost than ever. i dont know what's happening! i just felt something inside was screaming for something....is it God i am so longing for?? then how come i cant just pick myself up and seek Him? i just find it hard to do anything...sigh. and near evening i realise what it was. i cant live without God. i feel like i could die. and it's true. without Him i would die. ikatan kristian had MAN..missions awareness night. it was much more entertaining than i thought it would be. but because my consciousness level is dropping now i would have to leave it to another day.
thursday! this is the day when i found out that my marketing result is actually 13.5/15....cos my essay actually is 46/50 ( i think my grammar is going off..more off than usual cos im reli reli tired)..there was some mistake! praise God..Hallelujah!! thank God that He made me ask, and find this out. i know i dont ever deserve such blessings, it was and is and always will be because of His grace and mercy, but His love keeps astounding me. i marvel at how He can keep giving me blessings when urm, i dont seem to love or care to seek Him that much....i always seem to stumble in my quest to commit to Him but He didnt stop loving me...sigh..where else can i find this insistent love?
He places people around me that cared for me, and i am so touched! i am overwhelmed..and many times lost for words. like now...im searching for words to type here...=P
i want to sing, i want to dance, i want to even cry! how do i proclaim His love to others? how do i glorify His name for the wonderful results He gives me? i really want to... if i dont i fear i will eventually take the credit for myself, when it is all God's grace.
indeed, how do i speak of the indescribable...as one of my favorite song goes. my....so babbling i seem to be. never mind...i hope when one day i read this back i;d understand one thing: GOD loves me.=) this is to remind me whenever i wonder or doubt. He loves me, always, unconditionally, forever.... whoa...going to start babbling again.
God loves me. =D
but its not gonna stop me from proclaiming right here that God is good! yes...though i came back to UPM from home and wonderful CNYdelicacies and comfort and all on monday and still feel depressed, God has been so good to me.
let's backtrack a lil...
n monday i was terribly sad, feeling alone... i felt like i dont want to ever leave my home, my comfort zone. UpM= work, stress, everything bad. but i am here=(
tuesday i found out my marketing result....44/50 for objectiv, 26/50 for essay!! overall its 10.5/15 but i thought i had done better for my essays. after the class, i wanted to just leave, but i just had to know where i went wrong. so i asked the lecturer if i could see the paper. he said he'd bring it on thurs.
wednesday....depression carried on. i feel more lost than ever. i dont know what's happening! i just felt something inside was screaming for something....is it God i am so longing for?? then how come i cant just pick myself up and seek Him? i just find it hard to do anything...sigh. and near evening i realise what it was. i cant live without God. i feel like i could die. and it's true. without Him i would die. ikatan kristian had MAN..missions awareness night. it was much more entertaining than i thought it would be. but because my consciousness level is dropping now i would have to leave it to another day.
thursday! this is the day when i found out that my marketing result is actually 13.5/15....cos my essay actually is 46/50 ( i think my grammar is going off..more off than usual cos im reli reli tired)..there was some mistake! praise God..Hallelujah!! thank God that He made me ask, and find this out. i know i dont ever deserve such blessings, it was and is and always will be because of His grace and mercy, but His love keeps astounding me. i marvel at how He can keep giving me blessings when urm, i dont seem to love or care to seek Him that much....i always seem to stumble in my quest to commit to Him but He didnt stop loving me...sigh..where else can i find this insistent love?
He places people around me that cared for me, and i am so touched! i am overwhelmed..and many times lost for words. like now...im searching for words to type here...=P
i want to sing, i want to dance, i want to even cry! how do i proclaim His love to others? how do i glorify His name for the wonderful results He gives me? i really want to... if i dont i fear i will eventually take the credit for myself, when it is all God's grace.
indeed, how do i speak of the indescribable...as one of my favorite song goes. my....so babbling i seem to be. never mind...i hope when one day i read this back i;d understand one thing: GOD loves me.=) this is to remind me whenever i wonder or doubt. He loves me, always, unconditionally, forever.... whoa...going to start babbling again.
God loves me. =D
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