reflections...long overdue

yesterday was a day of van-sitting

a bunch of us went for jo's dad's memorial in ipoh....we spent 7hours on the road and 2 hours in ipoh. jo gave an eulogy... and when he spoke it occured to me, so painfully, that i have not been appreciating my own father enough. have i looked at his face recently? have i been talking to him? have i even tried? i have not. and it scares me that i dont have very much time... and my family is not saved. i told myself then that i want to make the best of the time i have to love them, to show them that i do love them. all these while i seem to have taken them for granted. i hear what jo says about his father, praying for each and every one of his children, and i realise i could have done the same. like what i;ve read somewhere, praying for your loved ones is a sweet duty. why haven i been doing just that?

and when the pastor spoke of faith in the service, i realise how much faith can impact people. and i wonder....have i been living a life of faith? is the way im practicing my faith impacting people around me? i thought of ting, and how she sometimes tink i;m someone so optimistic. and sometimes i felt she;s overestimating the kind of person i am. i am not always so wonderfully full of hope and trust and joy. many times im down, depressed and sad. and i know i cant just live a life of faith just so that it can be shown to people. that;s hypocrisy. i should be living a life of faith because of Jesus, because my God is a wonderful God whom i cant trust in.

and it is this God whom i am going to trust in, for all my desires. my desire to see my family be saved, that they will come to know of this joy of knowing there is this God who cares for them, so that they will not need to worry, that they could just leave their burdens for Him. i long for them to know Him, but i wonder if i am showing them, through my life, the joy of knowing Him? there;s so many things i should have reflected on earlier....but i was too lazy to do so. and this is where i went wrong.

i can only be thankful that God is a God of mercy and grace, and that He would pick me up again whenever i fall, as i continue trying. and continue battling my indecisiveness. and being torn as to whether i should stop joining stuff so that i'd be free to go home, or commit myself to activities and risk not being free to go home during weekends, i have kinda come to the decision that it's all in God's hands. i will just have to try to see where He wants me to go and just go, believing that He will make a way....for my desires and His may not be mutually exclusive. my desire to love my family, to see them get saved, is also His desire. He loves them too. but i can;t plan so much ahead right? He can. i have to take one step at a time, trying to walk in the path that He wants me to.

and the thing now is to know...which path He wants me to walk? there are many ways to serve, i know i cant grab it all and end up just touching the surface without commiting myself to it... more consideration, and mostly prayer is needed. =)