F-u(ture)

i know not what the future holds for me, but i know He holds my future.

rubbish of the system

i know You must know what i'm going through.
i know sadness can't be Your plan for me, though i am sad perpetually.
i know this and that, but there must be more than knowing. there must be more to life.
is there a long road between knowing and believing? believing to trusting? trusting to surrendering? how far?

this is not what You want of me, yet i can't let go.

why am i afraid to laugh, to show love?
why do i dread walking into Your house, to see people, in families and feel alone?
have i lost hope? do i still dare to hope?
i'm afraid that they ask, and i have no answers. i know it's You and not me, but see, i just know.

life is full of dreams, but i am not living any.

running from situations is no good, but embracing it seems harder. its always prettier in the past, or future, but not the present. the mind plays games the person does not understand. i'm speaking words that i probably do not understand or believe.

hmpf.