i need to believe that this God who loves me will allow me to be sad, hurt and disappointed. yea, He wants me to be happy, but i suppose some lessons can only be learn in not so happy ways. why do i feel like crying when i can't, and when i can i can't? i mean to say that it is at inconvenient time and place that i suddenly want to cry. but then, perhaps at a conveniently comfortable place i don't have that much need to cry anyway.
i've talked to God and thought that He wants me to be here. but when i am here, i'm rocked from that belief. does He really want me to be here? i'm sad here. does He want me to be sad? which goes back to the first paragraph.
the thing is, i'm sure it is not God ultimate plan to make me sad (like,duh!). but people get sad for many reasons, one of it out of not understanding, or not accepting. anyway, sadness is a feeling hard to avoid. we all go through it i suppose. sorry, i'm dizzy and quite suffocated from holding myself together. it is only normal for words to spew funnily.
is this Your place for me here? if yes, please strengthen me to go through it.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
uncheerful
as of today, i'm feeling quite lethargic and not too cheerful.
ever have that feeling that you're not happy where you are but you stayed on, trying to believe, perhaps already believing that though it doesn't feel like it, this is where you need to stay. there is no future or anything that interests you, nothing, really, to cause you to stay, but you felt like you should.
forgive me. one day i hope it make sense.
but today i hope to make it worthwhile. i really hope that i won't wait so hard for the future that i missed the present. it is my belief that no matter how sucky it may seem at the time being, God waste no time in letting us live life to the full. yes, i may be here for another purpose, of which one day i will understand, but even before my mind is allowed to comprehend, there is more to be done. you can say it is part of the story that paints the whole picture in the end.
it is quite a pain to be in the dark, uncertain and unhappy. but i suppose when happiness is out of the way, it gives way to joy to shine. many times we mix them up, not telling one from the other. but joy prevails, even when we're sad. it's hard to explain, i can't tell if it's harder to experience. but because joy is something that comes from above, i believe if we ask, we will receive.
i realised i have not asked.
ever have that feeling that you're not happy where you are but you stayed on, trying to believe, perhaps already believing that though it doesn't feel like it, this is where you need to stay. there is no future or anything that interests you, nothing, really, to cause you to stay, but you felt like you should.
forgive me. one day i hope it make sense.
but today i hope to make it worthwhile. i really hope that i won't wait so hard for the future that i missed the present. it is my belief that no matter how sucky it may seem at the time being, God waste no time in letting us live life to the full. yes, i may be here for another purpose, of which one day i will understand, but even before my mind is allowed to comprehend, there is more to be done. you can say it is part of the story that paints the whole picture in the end.
it is quite a pain to be in the dark, uncertain and unhappy. but i suppose when happiness is out of the way, it gives way to joy to shine. many times we mix them up, not telling one from the other. but joy prevails, even when we're sad. it's hard to explain, i can't tell if it's harder to experience. but because joy is something that comes from above, i believe if we ask, we will receive.
i realised i have not asked.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
called
reminder to self: a higher calling is not the call to something higher, but from One highest.
i suppose sometimes i want great things, and yes, He can give it, but then again i need to remember why i want those things. and if He should not give it to me, it is probably for my own good. but then, again, what's great? my opinion of greatness may differ from His. His ways are after all, higher than mine. and because He is in a higher position, He can see things clearly, in the BIG picture. so i trust His judgement. even though i don't understand it most of the time, i seem to suffer because i don't like what i'm going through, i just hope i love Him enough to trust Him. and that i won't waste where He has brought me, for there is a purpose to fulfill.
here i could write like it's so easy and simple but in reality i struggle and writhe and whine. and sometimes there are things so obviously right and easy to do but i just refuse to do it.
i suppose sometimes i want great things, and yes, He can give it, but then again i need to remember why i want those things. and if He should not give it to me, it is probably for my own good. but then, again, what's great? my opinion of greatness may differ from His. His ways are after all, higher than mine. and because He is in a higher position, He can see things clearly, in the BIG picture. so i trust His judgement. even though i don't understand it most of the time, i seem to suffer because i don't like what i'm going through, i just hope i love Him enough to trust Him. and that i won't waste where He has brought me, for there is a purpose to fulfill.
here i could write like it's so easy and simple but in reality i struggle and writhe and whine. and sometimes there are things so obviously right and easy to do but i just refuse to do it.
Friday, November 28, 2008
did i miss it?
i don't understand what has come over me.
i think it began on sunday, when i talked to charis, in nyonya colors. she was saying how some were collecting callings, because some were called but did not respond. which also reminded me what ern had said before, it is really how one responds to something. and when charis said that, i was just..terasa. i felt that i had not responded well. i felt that i have missed out on God's plan, and i wish to get back into that original plan. it's scary to think that He would have passed me by because i did not have the faith to go where He had wanted me to. it's a heartbreaking thought, to be left behind.
it was like that story of Saul and David. how Saul was chosen but then rejected. i feel sad for him, really, because i felt i might have done the same. i know, yes, that God is merciful, that He does not strike one away because of mistakes, as can be seen in His grace to David when he sinned. but David is a man after God's heart, whereas i can't say that for myself. i doubt how much i truly love God, in fact. so far i don't think my actions bore any strong testimony to that.
more is to come. my ex-coursemate cum colleague, hongjie, has seen a door open, to dance. and it is what he really likes, i suppose. how many people had such a chance? i mean, when he volunteered for events, i had already thought that it's great to be able to do what your heart desires. and now, to go fully into it? its a path that a little scary, because it's not the most common of options, yet so exciting! i am happy for him, whichever choice he may make. but at the same time, it got me thinking about myself. what is it that i really want? again, to that unanswered question i had for so long, what is my passion?
what is it that i'm good at and would love to do? have God actually brought me to an open door but i walked away from it? will He then give another that path? have i missed it?
but wait. what is it that i'm worried about now? that i lost a gift or that i disappointed Him? at times like this i'm forced, fortunately, to remember that what mattered most is Him. not the gifts or the road or the past, but to focus on Him, and be assured that whichever way that is to be will be good, as long as i'm with Him. because, in the end, all i do, i want it to be about Him.
i may be uncertain about many things, but i am certain of His love.
i think it began on sunday, when i talked to charis, in nyonya colors. she was saying how some were collecting callings, because some were called but did not respond. which also reminded me what ern had said before, it is really how one responds to something. and when charis said that, i was just..terasa. i felt that i had not responded well. i felt that i have missed out on God's plan, and i wish to get back into that original plan. it's scary to think that He would have passed me by because i did not have the faith to go where He had wanted me to. it's a heartbreaking thought, to be left behind.
it was like that story of Saul and David. how Saul was chosen but then rejected. i feel sad for him, really, because i felt i might have done the same. i know, yes, that God is merciful, that He does not strike one away because of mistakes, as can be seen in His grace to David when he sinned. but David is a man after God's heart, whereas i can't say that for myself. i doubt how much i truly love God, in fact. so far i don't think my actions bore any strong testimony to that.
more is to come. my ex-coursemate cum colleague, hongjie, has seen a door open, to dance. and it is what he really likes, i suppose. how many people had such a chance? i mean, when he volunteered for events, i had already thought that it's great to be able to do what your heart desires. and now, to go fully into it? its a path that a little scary, because it's not the most common of options, yet so exciting! i am happy for him, whichever choice he may make. but at the same time, it got me thinking about myself. what is it that i really want? again, to that unanswered question i had for so long, what is my passion?
what is it that i'm good at and would love to do? have God actually brought me to an open door but i walked away from it? will He then give another that path? have i missed it?
but wait. what is it that i'm worried about now? that i lost a gift or that i disappointed Him? at times like this i'm forced, fortunately, to remember that what mattered most is Him. not the gifts or the road or the past, but to focus on Him, and be assured that whichever way that is to be will be good, as long as i'm with Him. because, in the end, all i do, i want it to be about Him.
i may be uncertain about many things, but i am certain of His love.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
the needy homeless
as i sit here now beside a bloated hamster, solitary in a small pink cage, i write. sometimes i'd glance over and check the hamster out. i fear for it. all eating and lying around can't be too good for its little heart. poor thing must be bored senseless. there's a little wheel for it to run, but i suspect it's a bit too fat to do so. as it lay there, peeking out of its nearly closed eyes, i feel for the fella. but enough on this hamster. i want to be selfish enough to talk about me.
why am i located right here, right now, beside the hamster?
yesterday, i came to kl. bearing high hopes but shaky plans to go for wan ling's convo in the evening. had i been more mindful of my mum's advice, i would have gotten a 9am bus, came in time to cut hair, meet aunt, find yune, go for convo, meet wan ling and give her pressie, right on to church, then house in sri petaling, a sweet little story. of course, had it taken place so smoothly i wouldn't have thought it too sweet, just plain nice. but yet what i did not get always seem better. i rephrase, i will learn to appreciate more the things which did not just fall on my lap, but seems to be out of reach. i suppose then, that is why people loved miracles.
back to yesterday, since 9am tickets are out of my grasp, i had to settle for 11am. reaching here, going for haircut, with quite a sour face, thinking i must be missing wanling's convo while the person washed my hair twice vigorously, massaged my neck like i'm some tough kitten (i was grabbed at the nape of my neck), worked on my head like dough for good measure. then the hairdresser tried to get me to straighten my hair, which i of course declined. and while cutting, she commented on how dry my hair is and persuaded me to undergo some treatment which will take 10 minutes. i told her i was in a hurry, but if i had wanted to be more honest i'd say i'd rather skip those to save time and probably a lot of money. she went on to coax me to do other types, which takes just a while. so being me, i let her. i believe that was a whopping rm25 treatment, which really seemed simple to me. i later learnt it was expensive stuf.:/ sorry, i ramble. but perhaps that is why, the little things begin from here. and it is little things that build up to big stuff.
i called yune after they had finished with my hair. apparently i still have time! possibly an hour to get to UPM from pudu. so i thought God has heard and answered my prayer while i sat at the mercy of the hairdresser, that i would get to meet wanling after all! i refused an invitation from my aunt for food (yes, i said no to food, though many should think this impossible). i went for a change of pants (people have said i wore too cincai for convos), and approached the metro17. empty. thinking it would take a super long time to move, i opted for star lrt, then ktm, then bus. i must have been to rash to think how dangerous this is. ktm? bus frm serdang to upm? these are probably two top unreliable transport available in Malaysia.
as i got to lrt, i just very narrowly missed the train towards sri petaling. but the real test came when i got to bandar tasik selatan and hoped for a speedy trip one station down. it was not to be. not only it is late, it was jam packed. i didn't know if i'm being molested or the other way round. it was torturous.
then the next hurdle: to get into upm. i met alfredo, a coursemate, and apparently for the last half an hour he had not seen UPM komuter bus nor T416. so we chatted and i waited. finally rapidkl decided to show its face. i got into the bus and paid to the driver who walked past me. he passed me no ticket but i ignored it, thinking i wouldn't need it. and as it dwindled past south city, passing the pasar malam, yune called to say they need to leave already. this is horror to me. need i go through all these monsters to get out of UPM again? but it cannot be helped. yeeleng was in a rush, so i was passed to jo. i was debating whether to ask for his help when the next sms came: jo's car is full. i was quite in a despair. hanging on to the pole with a paper bag that seemed to get heavier by the moment. and really, the profanities shot to the mind when a guy happily crashed on me, nearly pushing me on some people's lap, and i mean it when i said happily, because he breathed not a word of apology and seemed to laugh with his friends. it's probably a good thing that i think too much, because if i did not, i would really punch his face, and i haven't look at his face yet. i might lose control if i did. as more people unload from the bus, i managed to get a sit and breath. and try to think what's next. i was really unstable then, i can't really trust myself to speak.
when i thought, ok, i'd go back to ktm station and probably go back to sentul timur. i just wanted to be alone. and let what needed to be poured out, just pour out. but the uncle driver refused to let me find solace in long bus rides. he asked me to wait on the other side. okay, so i went to the kmr bus stop, where a komuter bus has just left. metro17 came ambling by but i did not take it. in my state, i thought of who to call. i just felt, perhaps a dinner with a friend, would make things a lot better. but who? first, hueykheng. out to mines. mayfang, i was afraid she might be busy. yea, i have this thing bout asking people and being afraid they'd just entertain me though they're busy just because i asked. my dear elder sister, i was quite hoping she'd just call me and ask if i want to have dinner. all through this time, i was still torn. i was still feeling terribly sour inside, not the sour angry but just kinda sad. i didn't know if i needed company or solitude. i finally my sister, to tell her about convo plans, while at the same time hoping for something. yet when she asked if i needed place to stay, i didn't take it. i cannot justify what i did or whatsoever, as i said, i was unstable. next, aatan. she was in her house and that was near upm. but she was studying and will have dinner later. but i think i must have sounded terrible. she offered transport, called me to say she'd go dinner with me and all. but i didn't want to. with her knowing a pinch of how i feel, i really don't know how to face her.
back to the t416, still ticketless because the driver said he can recognize me, and its only him driving around here. later on he told people the machine has spoilt, so just pay and get no ticket. as i rounded the area out again, kheng sms-ed. encouraged, i said i'd go to the mines to find her if the bus passes that way. so it did, and down i hop. with a stomach rebelling for not being fed lunch and dinner, save for a big pack of Bika (which caused some nausea), i lugged myself to mines. kheng was there with a friend, chai fung, whom i have previously met before with mayfang and kimkooi. knowing i've no dinner, they kindly offered to teman me. but i opted for a sundae cone from McD, just to lift my spirits up a lil. and planned for a nice supper, traditional style at k14.
from there on, it was alright. i'm with people, i can survive. though we waited very long for a bus to take us back, though i moaned that i need to eat an elephant, though the feet hurt bad, though i need to pay another rm1 to grab a bus back to ktm station (we were going to walk, actually), i didn't feel as bad. kheng and ern both offered their rooms to take in a homeless me. i didn't realise i did not tell people my plans properly, maybe because i never know which plan would survive to the next moment. and also i did not think they would be so worried. added to the fact i was just not thinking.
that night, i had my supper of burger ayam special, and off to chai fung's roomie for the night, nerisa, her cousin. and oh what a small world, she is yee min's coursemate and boon yong's direct junior. she treated us rock melon, i believe, and had to sacrifice her precious time of studying to listen to us chat in the room. and the world got smaller when i found out that chai fung's good friend, kenneth, could be yune's colleague while they were both doing practical at the star.
it is a good night, though i was sorry i needed to cause kheng so much discomfort as i shared her bed. i truly hope i did not kick her during the night.
oh today, after going for wengyan, cindy hiew, zhihui's convo, i really contemplated going to sentul and out again for course gathering. but meeting up with lee mei and li yuin, again my homelessness was highlighted and they took me in for the day.
i should begin to wrap up these big bag of words. lessons? i really hate to be so dependant on people, to seem so needy, to hint about my homelessness. but it is these times that i see and feel so much love and care being showered on me. be they my sister, coursemates, schoolmates, church friends or ex-roomates. and i need to remember this so that when i could give, i would give. my list of thanks should come another day, i quite pity leemei's laptop working so long.
why am i located right here, right now, beside the hamster?
yesterday, i came to kl. bearing high hopes but shaky plans to go for wan ling's convo in the evening. had i been more mindful of my mum's advice, i would have gotten a 9am bus, came in time to cut hair, meet aunt, find yune, go for convo, meet wan ling and give her pressie, right on to church, then house in sri petaling, a sweet little story. of course, had it taken place so smoothly i wouldn't have thought it too sweet, just plain nice. but yet what i did not get always seem better. i rephrase, i will learn to appreciate more the things which did not just fall on my lap, but seems to be out of reach. i suppose then, that is why people loved miracles.
back to yesterday, since 9am tickets are out of my grasp, i had to settle for 11am. reaching here, going for haircut, with quite a sour face, thinking i must be missing wanling's convo while the person washed my hair twice vigorously, massaged my neck like i'm some tough kitten (i was grabbed at the nape of my neck), worked on my head like dough for good measure. then the hairdresser tried to get me to straighten my hair, which i of course declined. and while cutting, she commented on how dry my hair is and persuaded me to undergo some treatment which will take 10 minutes. i told her i was in a hurry, but if i had wanted to be more honest i'd say i'd rather skip those to save time and probably a lot of money. she went on to coax me to do other types, which takes just a while. so being me, i let her. i believe that was a whopping rm25 treatment, which really seemed simple to me. i later learnt it was expensive stuf.:/ sorry, i ramble. but perhaps that is why, the little things begin from here. and it is little things that build up to big stuff.
i called yune after they had finished with my hair. apparently i still have time! possibly an hour to get to UPM from pudu. so i thought God has heard and answered my prayer while i sat at the mercy of the hairdresser, that i would get to meet wanling after all! i refused an invitation from my aunt for food (yes, i said no to food, though many should think this impossible). i went for a change of pants (people have said i wore too cincai for convos), and approached the metro17. empty. thinking it would take a super long time to move, i opted for star lrt, then ktm, then bus. i must have been to rash to think how dangerous this is. ktm? bus frm serdang to upm? these are probably two top unreliable transport available in Malaysia.
as i got to lrt, i just very narrowly missed the train towards sri petaling. but the real test came when i got to bandar tasik selatan and hoped for a speedy trip one station down. it was not to be. not only it is late, it was jam packed. i didn't know if i'm being molested or the other way round. it was torturous.
then the next hurdle: to get into upm. i met alfredo, a coursemate, and apparently for the last half an hour he had not seen UPM komuter bus nor T416. so we chatted and i waited. finally rapidkl decided to show its face. i got into the bus and paid to the driver who walked past me. he passed me no ticket but i ignored it, thinking i wouldn't need it. and as it dwindled past south city, passing the pasar malam, yune called to say they need to leave already. this is horror to me. need i go through all these monsters to get out of UPM again? but it cannot be helped. yeeleng was in a rush, so i was passed to jo. i was debating whether to ask for his help when the next sms came: jo's car is full. i was quite in a despair. hanging on to the pole with a paper bag that seemed to get heavier by the moment. and really, the profanities shot to the mind when a guy happily crashed on me, nearly pushing me on some people's lap, and i mean it when i said happily, because he breathed not a word of apology and seemed to laugh with his friends. it's probably a good thing that i think too much, because if i did not, i would really punch his face, and i haven't look at his face yet. i might lose control if i did. as more people unload from the bus, i managed to get a sit and breath. and try to think what's next. i was really unstable then, i can't really trust myself to speak.
when i thought, ok, i'd go back to ktm station and probably go back to sentul timur. i just wanted to be alone. and let what needed to be poured out, just pour out. but the uncle driver refused to let me find solace in long bus rides. he asked me to wait on the other side. okay, so i went to the kmr bus stop, where a komuter bus has just left. metro17 came ambling by but i did not take it. in my state, i thought of who to call. i just felt, perhaps a dinner with a friend, would make things a lot better. but who? first, hueykheng. out to mines. mayfang, i was afraid she might be busy. yea, i have this thing bout asking people and being afraid they'd just entertain me though they're busy just because i asked. my dear elder sister, i was quite hoping she'd just call me and ask if i want to have dinner. all through this time, i was still torn. i was still feeling terribly sour inside, not the sour angry but just kinda sad. i didn't know if i needed company or solitude. i finally my sister, to tell her about convo plans, while at the same time hoping for something. yet when she asked if i needed place to stay, i didn't take it. i cannot justify what i did or whatsoever, as i said, i was unstable. next, aatan. she was in her house and that was near upm. but she was studying and will have dinner later. but i think i must have sounded terrible. she offered transport, called me to say she'd go dinner with me and all. but i didn't want to. with her knowing a pinch of how i feel, i really don't know how to face her.
back to the t416, still ticketless because the driver said he can recognize me, and its only him driving around here. later on he told people the machine has spoilt, so just pay and get no ticket. as i rounded the area out again, kheng sms-ed. encouraged, i said i'd go to the mines to find her if the bus passes that way. so it did, and down i hop. with a stomach rebelling for not being fed lunch and dinner, save for a big pack of Bika (which caused some nausea), i lugged myself to mines. kheng was there with a friend, chai fung, whom i have previously met before with mayfang and kimkooi. knowing i've no dinner, they kindly offered to teman me. but i opted for a sundae cone from McD, just to lift my spirits up a lil. and planned for a nice supper, traditional style at k14.
from there on, it was alright. i'm with people, i can survive. though we waited very long for a bus to take us back, though i moaned that i need to eat an elephant, though the feet hurt bad, though i need to pay another rm1 to grab a bus back to ktm station (we were going to walk, actually), i didn't feel as bad. kheng and ern both offered their rooms to take in a homeless me. i didn't realise i did not tell people my plans properly, maybe because i never know which plan would survive to the next moment. and also i did not think they would be so worried. added to the fact i was just not thinking.
that night, i had my supper of burger ayam special, and off to chai fung's roomie for the night, nerisa, her cousin. and oh what a small world, she is yee min's coursemate and boon yong's direct junior. she treated us rock melon, i believe, and had to sacrifice her precious time of studying to listen to us chat in the room. and the world got smaller when i found out that chai fung's good friend, kenneth, could be yune's colleague while they were both doing practical at the star.
it is a good night, though i was sorry i needed to cause kheng so much discomfort as i shared her bed. i truly hope i did not kick her during the night.
oh today, after going for wengyan, cindy hiew, zhihui's convo, i really contemplated going to sentul and out again for course gathering. but meeting up with lee mei and li yuin, again my homelessness was highlighted and they took me in for the day.
i should begin to wrap up these big bag of words. lessons? i really hate to be so dependant on people, to seem so needy, to hint about my homelessness. but it is these times that i see and feel so much love and care being showered on me. be they my sister, coursemates, schoolmates, church friends or ex-roomates. and i need to remember this so that when i could give, i would give. my list of thanks should come another day, i quite pity leemei's laptop working so long.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
a short sense
a lot of things don't make sense, at least not to me.
does it make sense that people try to run from those they love most? cause there is where it hurts most? because there is a sense of hopelesness, not being able to change, or being afraid of change. or simply because it is easier to believe, to hope, when I am not looking. so i need to run. but is running towards something means we are running away from another thing? i mean, previously i thought that running away= no good. but then, we are constantly ( or sometimes) running towards something. and to do that, surely we are leaving something behind? then it doesn't sound so wrong. i hope no one gets me wrong here.
does it make sense that people try to run from those they love most? cause there is where it hurts most? because there is a sense of hopelesness, not being able to change, or being afraid of change. or simply because it is easier to believe, to hope, when I am not looking. so i need to run. but is running towards something means we are running away from another thing? i mean, previously i thought that running away= no good. but then, we are constantly ( or sometimes) running towards something. and to do that, surely we are leaving something behind? then it doesn't sound so wrong. i hope no one gets me wrong here.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
this way to the farm, please.
it seems my blogs have always been rather dark. lets go somewhere lighter: rat race and chicken run!
lately my dad's hardware shop has been affiliated with animals. alright actually just two. but then there must have been a sign visible only to animals' eyes which says that his shop is a farm.
first case, a rat with the size of a small kitten strolled (yes, my vocab is fine, he strolled) into our shop, through the front door, past my brother and other customers. i think my brother must have thought it was a kitten, he was too stunned to do anything. well, the nerve of that rat. must have been very old, ma says it may be a lil off to do such thing. somehow or another, it must have walked out, cos the next time we saw it sashaying in again. this time, right behind my back, and i was standing between my father and brother. and that time was its last. take a deep breath, this is not a pretty picture. brother, planted his boots (these boots are also sold in pa's shop) on the rat's head or neck. i can't be sure cos i glanced for a second before hopping on something and scurrying away. afterwards i heard of him telling how he brought another foot down on that murdering boot to finish the job. so there. the swift drama of the first rat.
next case, a mouse. the reason why i say a mouse is because i felt that a mouse is smaller. and this is! i mean, nowadays, with the mutant size of mouse, it's hard to find little mouse anymore. i sighted it few times, there could be more than one, but i didn't have the heart to squash it. oh well, it may have been allowed to live in peace, if not for joann's sister. the twist in the tale, joann's sis need a rat to dissect. if only we had found out earlier, we could have saved that old big rat, she'd get to see big organs aplenty. but too late. after her futile attempts to capture rats at various places, my mum set a trap in my shop to hopefully secure a rat. and the victim: the small mouse. it wasn't going under the knife at first, joann's sister got another one. but fate has it that it has to die before the time. so the little mouse came in useful. but i really think to die of suffocation with chloroform or at least not feeling pain should be better for the mouse, that is, i believe they don't feel the pain when they are being cut open. i really really hope they don't feel it. the operation is tomorrow. i'm not emotionally attached to that mouse, so i'm okay.
saga number three- the cock that walked. into my shop, right when there were about 5 people there?yes, through the front door too. my father just has various customers. gave us a surprise and we gave it a scare that it flapped its way deeper into the shop. now its late evening and we're not interested in chicken hunt so we ignored it. when we closed shop, it was nowhere in sight. fine. the next day, today in fact, it was found at the far back, and left stinky souvenirs. ma wanted to feed it, in case it dies, what a waste right? but when she went back for it, its gone! brother speculated it must have flown out through openings at the top. so we agreed. however, as i was busy finding paints at some racks, i heard a sound, turned my head....and saw the butt of that cock as it flapped wildly to hide itself. had my heart been weaker i'd not be around to post this now. but i survived, and upon questioning my neighbor, found that its theirs. he came, he saw, and he conquered that cock. and that cock, screamed like he's about to be slaughtered. my mum said she finally understood why there is a proverb or some sort which had such meaning. and so, the cock episode ended. i hope.
lately my dad's hardware shop has been affiliated with animals. alright actually just two. but then there must have been a sign visible only to animals' eyes which says that his shop is a farm.
first case, a rat with the size of a small kitten strolled (yes, my vocab is fine, he strolled) into our shop, through the front door, past my brother and other customers. i think my brother must have thought it was a kitten, he was too stunned to do anything. well, the nerve of that rat. must have been very old, ma says it may be a lil off to do such thing. somehow or another, it must have walked out, cos the next time we saw it sashaying in again. this time, right behind my back, and i was standing between my father and brother. and that time was its last. take a deep breath, this is not a pretty picture. brother, planted his boots (these boots are also sold in pa's shop) on the rat's head or neck. i can't be sure cos i glanced for a second before hopping on something and scurrying away. afterwards i heard of him telling how he brought another foot down on that murdering boot to finish the job. so there. the swift drama of the first rat.
next case, a mouse. the reason why i say a mouse is because i felt that a mouse is smaller. and this is! i mean, nowadays, with the mutant size of mouse, it's hard to find little mouse anymore. i sighted it few times, there could be more than one, but i didn't have the heart to squash it. oh well, it may have been allowed to live in peace, if not for joann's sister. the twist in the tale, joann's sis need a rat to dissect. if only we had found out earlier, we could have saved that old big rat, she'd get to see big organs aplenty. but too late. after her futile attempts to capture rats at various places, my mum set a trap in my shop to hopefully secure a rat. and the victim: the small mouse. it wasn't going under the knife at first, joann's sister got another one. but fate has it that it has to die before the time. so the little mouse came in useful. but i really think to die of suffocation with chloroform or at least not feeling pain should be better for the mouse, that is, i believe they don't feel the pain when they are being cut open. i really really hope they don't feel it. the operation is tomorrow. i'm not emotionally attached to that mouse, so i'm okay.
saga number three- the cock that walked. into my shop, right when there were about 5 people there?yes, through the front door too. my father just has various customers. gave us a surprise and we gave it a scare that it flapped its way deeper into the shop. now its late evening and we're not interested in chicken hunt so we ignored it. when we closed shop, it was nowhere in sight. fine. the next day, today in fact, it was found at the far back, and left stinky souvenirs. ma wanted to feed it, in case it dies, what a waste right? but when she went back for it, its gone! brother speculated it must have flown out through openings at the top. so we agreed. however, as i was busy finding paints at some racks, i heard a sound, turned my head....and saw the butt of that cock as it flapped wildly to hide itself. had my heart been weaker i'd not be around to post this now. but i survived, and upon questioning my neighbor, found that its theirs. he came, he saw, and he conquered that cock. and that cock, screamed like he's about to be slaughtered. my mum said she finally understood why there is a proverb or some sort which had such meaning. and so, the cock episode ended. i hope.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
a cancer called comparison
silly isn't it? the blog before the previous one i spoke of God's love, the next i'm insecure once again. fickle is the word.
you know what's my hobby?
comparing.
it's not something i do on purpose you know. it comes, creeps into my head and grew as i feed it. before i know it, it had proliferated so quickly into a mass, the train of thoughts now taking its own route, no longer controlled by me. and it shot so quickly in so many directions, i couldn't stop it. it has become a cancer.
and how evil this cancer could be! even the strongest bonds may be broken because of it. it could eat into relationships, destroying trust, killing the bridge that connects people together. suddenly the person whom you loved so much, and loved you in return, is the person whom you compare most with. and with that, hate seeps in. jealousy rears its head. dissatisfaction growls. flavored with a hint of whine. and the cocktail produced is a bitter one.
i know it's getting to me. the tears are not going to wash the pain away. no, i can't stop there. the heart is still too raw, too susceptible to more infections. if i don't open my wounded heart immediately to the One having the water of life, if i don't allow Him to wash me in His blood, i'm bound to die. perhaps not immediately, but surely. i thought that if i could pour out my bleeding heart before Him i'd be fine, but it's not true. which patient can tell the physician the symptoms of the disease and be healed? even if its diagnosed, it still needs treatment. how stupid it is to come all the way to the physician just to diagnose the disease yet turn away from the treatment. it changes nothing, only increased the awareness. but the disease persists.
i'm going to seek treatment. i don't want to be silly. and i don't want death: of me, of my precious relationships. i'm not gonna let this cancer take over! i've found the best physician, i have the cure. yea, therapy takes time, it may hurt, i may not feel comfortable, but i know i'll be safe. in His arms there is redemption.
you know what's my hobby?
comparing.
it's not something i do on purpose you know. it comes, creeps into my head and grew as i feed it. before i know it, it had proliferated so quickly into a mass, the train of thoughts now taking its own route, no longer controlled by me. and it shot so quickly in so many directions, i couldn't stop it. it has become a cancer.
and how evil this cancer could be! even the strongest bonds may be broken because of it. it could eat into relationships, destroying trust, killing the bridge that connects people together. suddenly the person whom you loved so much, and loved you in return, is the person whom you compare most with. and with that, hate seeps in. jealousy rears its head. dissatisfaction growls. flavored with a hint of whine. and the cocktail produced is a bitter one.
i know it's getting to me. the tears are not going to wash the pain away. no, i can't stop there. the heart is still too raw, too susceptible to more infections. if i don't open my wounded heart immediately to the One having the water of life, if i don't allow Him to wash me in His blood, i'm bound to die. perhaps not immediately, but surely. i thought that if i could pour out my bleeding heart before Him i'd be fine, but it's not true. which patient can tell the physician the symptoms of the disease and be healed? even if its diagnosed, it still needs treatment. how stupid it is to come all the way to the physician just to diagnose the disease yet turn away from the treatment. it changes nothing, only increased the awareness. but the disease persists.
i'm going to seek treatment. i don't want to be silly. and i don't want death: of me, of my precious relationships. i'm not gonna let this cancer take over! i've found the best physician, i have the cure. yea, therapy takes time, it may hurt, i may not feel comfortable, but i know i'll be safe. in His arms there is redemption.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
new injury, self inflicted!
i've found a new thing to worry.
not difficult, considering the time i spend layan-ing my brain. in this sense, using the brain doesn't sound so intelectual anymore. but if i think, i must be using my brain? or can one think brainlessly? perhaps, but that is another matter which deserve a topic by itself.
i've found that....i'm insecure. that's not new. when people show their love to me, i'm happy. and guess how i can turn such blessings into self-inflicted injury? i doubt. suddenly i wonder if they really liked me. love me, probably, it is not a feeling after all, it is a choice. so yes, i know they have made a choice. they are good people,eally, so i expect they do love people. but like? do they like who jie min really is? or are they doing things because they are called to love? i wonder if they enjoy my company, who i am, as i am. they can find me, visit me, ask me for outings, but if i should one day stay with them, long term, i wonder what will they feel? even the thought of it? will they be tired? to face me each day, trying not to show how overbearing it is really.
yes, what a torture to think too much. and again, i must not be doing justice to the word 'think'. i'm sorry.
not difficult, considering the time i spend layan-ing my brain. in this sense, using the brain doesn't sound so intelectual anymore. but if i think, i must be using my brain? or can one think brainlessly? perhaps, but that is another matter which deserve a topic by itself.
i've found that....i'm insecure. that's not new. when people show their love to me, i'm happy. and guess how i can turn such blessings into self-inflicted injury? i doubt. suddenly i wonder if they really liked me. love me, probably, it is not a feeling after all, it is a choice. so yes, i know they have made a choice. they are good people,eally, so i expect they do love people. but like? do they like who jie min really is? or are they doing things because they are called to love? i wonder if they enjoy my company, who i am, as i am. they can find me, visit me, ask me for outings, but if i should one day stay with them, long term, i wonder what will they feel? even the thought of it? will they be tired? to face me each day, trying not to show how overbearing it is really.
yes, what a torture to think too much. and again, i must not be doing justice to the word 'think'. i'm sorry.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
undirected
as i sit, i could just look up and smile. and bask in that glorious joy that i am loved.
love. the thing that makes one sing.
how many times have He assured me of this love? why do i only feel it strongly now? no...there was once, i remember, i woke up thinking of Him, with a song of praise on my lips, and what joy to wake then. that day brings much promises. what happened then?
too many times, i had it but lost it again. God's love is eternal and everlasting....but my faithfulness fluctuates. sigh.
i can never imagine myself to be in a relationship until i learn how to love God. how to love another person when i can't love God who loved me perfectly, unconditionally?
this post is so random. i must stop trying to write for other people's sake, for them to read, but do it for my sake. so i can write. and let it out.
i am not a complicated person, at least i don't think so. i believe many times i show who i really am, or indicate strongly who i am, through my actions which some thought i try to hide. truth is, sometimes i show it in that way. i don't open it and say, 'here, this is me', but i open it, and let you think i accidentally forgot to close it. yea, maybe i'd like people to know me.
it's really not hard to know me. all i need is time. i do trust people easily. i think. i could pour my life, which is probably not much, but it's not seen, to people who would listen. i'm not mysterious...though some think so. i think i can laugh at that. i'm probably an open book. if you don;t know that well then maybe you;re just not reading.
so many things have happened in my life since so long ago. i thought of days when i was really young...how God must have had a part in all that happened. sweet, when i think of it now. like an angel who watches and cared from afar, though i know Him not, He was taking care of me already. how when i was in kindergarten, i was so insecure. there was a girl who wont befriend me. i wonder what effect it had on me. how ma and pa loved me. how they pampered me. how they think i'm such a good daughter. yet what;s inside, only Heavenly Father knows. was i really that good? i don't think my siblings would agree to that. i remember them saying that i was selfish, with my color pencils or stuff like that. i believe even then i had begun to mind what people would think of me. it matters to me. i am insecure.
how i wanted so badly to have a best friend during early primary school years. i was on the look out for it. friends wont do, i must have a best one. i need that assurance. how later in primary school i belong to a group. i suppose that was good. i belong somewhere. oh and how drama i was even then. all the drama that happened, i was an actress too. those expressions, haha....i can laugh now. petty? perhaps. but probably everyone else was acting too. such soap opera.
gosh im pouring so much of myself out now. this blog is supposed to be secret! it should only be found out by those who really seek. but i'm stepping from seemingly-silly-but-actually-serious stories to stuff that would make people look with widened eyes. am i in for that risK? should i stop here and go to my journal instead? how long will i hide?
i don't want to hide. in fact, if given time enough, i'd have told my life story to jo, eunice, amy, yeeleng, almost anyone that are interested to hear my monotonous ramblings! but am i trying to get their attention? or am i sincere?
lately i have been more aware....how manipulative i am. yes, jiemin is not a simple person at times. oh well...depends on how you look at it. i can be simple AND manipulative. i just hope i am not harmful.
stop...
love. the thing that makes one sing.
how many times have He assured me of this love? why do i only feel it strongly now? no...there was once, i remember, i woke up thinking of Him, with a song of praise on my lips, and what joy to wake then. that day brings much promises. what happened then?
too many times, i had it but lost it again. God's love is eternal and everlasting....but my faithfulness fluctuates. sigh.
i can never imagine myself to be in a relationship until i learn how to love God. how to love another person when i can't love God who loved me perfectly, unconditionally?
this post is so random. i must stop trying to write for other people's sake, for them to read, but do it for my sake. so i can write. and let it out.
i am not a complicated person, at least i don't think so. i believe many times i show who i really am, or indicate strongly who i am, through my actions which some thought i try to hide. truth is, sometimes i show it in that way. i don't open it and say, 'here, this is me', but i open it, and let you think i accidentally forgot to close it. yea, maybe i'd like people to know me.
it's really not hard to know me. all i need is time. i do trust people easily. i think. i could pour my life, which is probably not much, but it's not seen, to people who would listen. i'm not mysterious...though some think so. i think i can laugh at that. i'm probably an open book. if you don;t know that well then maybe you;re just not reading.
so many things have happened in my life since so long ago. i thought of days when i was really young...how God must have had a part in all that happened. sweet, when i think of it now. like an angel who watches and cared from afar, though i know Him not, He was taking care of me already. how when i was in kindergarten, i was so insecure. there was a girl who wont befriend me. i wonder what effect it had on me. how ma and pa loved me. how they pampered me. how they think i'm such a good daughter. yet what;s inside, only Heavenly Father knows. was i really that good? i don't think my siblings would agree to that. i remember them saying that i was selfish, with my color pencils or stuff like that. i believe even then i had begun to mind what people would think of me. it matters to me. i am insecure.
how i wanted so badly to have a best friend during early primary school years. i was on the look out for it. friends wont do, i must have a best one. i need that assurance. how later in primary school i belong to a group. i suppose that was good. i belong somewhere. oh and how drama i was even then. all the drama that happened, i was an actress too. those expressions, haha....i can laugh now. petty? perhaps. but probably everyone else was acting too. such soap opera.
gosh im pouring so much of myself out now. this blog is supposed to be secret! it should only be found out by those who really seek. but i'm stepping from seemingly-silly-but-actually-serious stories to stuff that would make people look with widened eyes. am i in for that risK? should i stop here and go to my journal instead? how long will i hide?
i don't want to hide. in fact, if given time enough, i'd have told my life story to jo, eunice, amy, yeeleng, almost anyone that are interested to hear my monotonous ramblings! but am i trying to get their attention? or am i sincere?
lately i have been more aware....how manipulative i am. yes, jiemin is not a simple person at times. oh well...depends on how you look at it. i can be simple AND manipulative. i just hope i am not harmful.
stop...
record!
yes!jiemin has currently surprised herself by sleeping real late....sometimes not at all. thank You God for giving me strength! and Your wondrous mercy too many times! =D
Sunday, April 6, 2008
don't hurt yourself anymore
in Him all things are made, in Him all find their purpose and place.
don't feel lost, don't be afraid,
don' t you know?
He's waiting to take your hand,
lead you to beautiful places,
heal your wound,
your rest is complete,
peace, overflowing.
it's not a fantasy, no it's not.
i know the world hurts so bad,
nothing can ever seem so good.
but remember, He's not of this world.
yes He came, but He's back,
to His eternal home,
where we'll be, if only we believe.
and how i wish,
i could tell you, make you see,
cause all i want,
is to see you happy,
not just now and here,
but even ever after.
if it breaks my heart,
how much more it breaks His.
why live like this?
why can't we give up our stubborn fight, and just hide in Him?
its not cowardly, its not weak!
its the wisest thing, we can ever be!
when will you see, when will i see?
that all we ever need, it's all in Him.
don't feel lost, don't be afraid,
don' t you know?
He's waiting to take your hand,
lead you to beautiful places,
heal your wound,
your rest is complete,
peace, overflowing.
it's not a fantasy, no it's not.
i know the world hurts so bad,
nothing can ever seem so good.
but remember, He's not of this world.
yes He came, but He's back,
to His eternal home,
where we'll be, if only we believe.
and how i wish,
i could tell you, make you see,
cause all i want,
is to see you happy,
not just now and here,
but even ever after.
if it breaks my heart,
how much more it breaks His.
why live like this?
why can't we give up our stubborn fight, and just hide in Him?
its not cowardly, its not weak!
its the wisest thing, we can ever be!
when will you see, when will i see?
that all we ever need, it's all in Him.
Monday, March 17, 2008
too hard a heart
let's have a little science class here.i will try to do the best i can with my limited knowledge and hopefully i wont lead people astray.
in dr ho's class, we learnt that when plant cells are wounded, it will secrete a phenolic compound. this will attract a plant virus (agrobacterium) which will infect that wounded cell and the result: the plant will have a tumor, evident from a bulge in the stem. ah what a smart virus. attacks when there is an opportunity. moves in when the cell is wounded and the defense is down.
i wonder...what about hearts?
when something as fragile as hearts gets wounded, do we know it? do we see what comes to our rescue ...or what comes to destroy?
its getting boring. yea i cant write to satisfy when i'm trying to make it sound so knowledgable.
i'm hurt. my heart, its wounded. so many times i've hurt, i want to cry, but either i swallow it down, hard or just get involved in something else. i didnt even do it on purpose. somehow things just crop up and i conveniently forgot to sit down and search my heart. didnt try to look inside to find the cause and heal the bleeding heart. and as it bleeds, it gets weaker. it pumps slower. the beat, barely there. just because i let it bleed.
and when i want to do it now, its harder. you know how it is when there is a wound, if it does not heal properly, it'll not be pretty. the skin would be harder, rough, because it doesnt want to get hurt easily again. and i feel that's what's happening to my heart now. hurt before, and having no proper medicine to cure it, it finds its own mechanism. grow harder. resist. don't let things touch you that easily. such a thick skin around the heart. what a fort. i wonder how i breathed.
pastor dalbir once said whatever that happens in the physical world is reflective of that in spiritual.
i keep waiting for someone to come and tear away this scar tissue so that new skin could grow again, that i would be made whole. just as what dr lai said, how the doctor attending to her wound tore away the skin that forms over the wound when it is not good, he'd do that even though its painful for her, because he didn't want her to carry that scar for the rest of her life. he did that for her sake. would i rather live with the scar forever, probably in shame and self consciousness, low confidence, trying to hide? or brace myself for the pain which will remove the longer term of pain?
i've been waiting but i've been lazy. i expect my doctor to come, kick open the door and treat me. but i had not invited Him, and has even avoided and resisted Him. how could this gentleman heal a heart that shut Him off?
why can't i just open up my heart?
fear.
as silly as it sounds, i'm afraid. scared of what may happen cos i know its going to be big. major change. and i'm afraid of that. i know that i'd probably be changed for the better. and yet... something in me fears that i won't. that i'd be the same still me. that i expected too much. and i risk being disappointed again.
faith.
i lack of it. how to pray in faith for more of faith? yet what is impossible with man is possible with God.
in dr ho's class, we learnt that when plant cells are wounded, it will secrete a phenolic compound. this will attract a plant virus (agrobacterium) which will infect that wounded cell and the result: the plant will have a tumor, evident from a bulge in the stem. ah what a smart virus. attacks when there is an opportunity. moves in when the cell is wounded and the defense is down.
i wonder...what about hearts?
when something as fragile as hearts gets wounded, do we know it? do we see what comes to our rescue ...or what comes to destroy?
its getting boring. yea i cant write to satisfy when i'm trying to make it sound so knowledgable.
i'm hurt. my heart, its wounded. so many times i've hurt, i want to cry, but either i swallow it down, hard or just get involved in something else. i didnt even do it on purpose. somehow things just crop up and i conveniently forgot to sit down and search my heart. didnt try to look inside to find the cause and heal the bleeding heart. and as it bleeds, it gets weaker. it pumps slower. the beat, barely there. just because i let it bleed.
and when i want to do it now, its harder. you know how it is when there is a wound, if it does not heal properly, it'll not be pretty. the skin would be harder, rough, because it doesnt want to get hurt easily again. and i feel that's what's happening to my heart now. hurt before, and having no proper medicine to cure it, it finds its own mechanism. grow harder. resist. don't let things touch you that easily. such a thick skin around the heart. what a fort. i wonder how i breathed.
pastor dalbir once said whatever that happens in the physical world is reflective of that in spiritual.
i keep waiting for someone to come and tear away this scar tissue so that new skin could grow again, that i would be made whole. just as what dr lai said, how the doctor attending to her wound tore away the skin that forms over the wound when it is not good, he'd do that even though its painful for her, because he didn't want her to carry that scar for the rest of her life. he did that for her sake. would i rather live with the scar forever, probably in shame and self consciousness, low confidence, trying to hide? or brace myself for the pain which will remove the longer term of pain?
i've been waiting but i've been lazy. i expect my doctor to come, kick open the door and treat me. but i had not invited Him, and has even avoided and resisted Him. how could this gentleman heal a heart that shut Him off?
why can't i just open up my heart?
fear.
as silly as it sounds, i'm afraid. scared of what may happen cos i know its going to be big. major change. and i'm afraid of that. i know that i'd probably be changed for the better. and yet... something in me fears that i won't. that i'd be the same still me. that i expected too much. and i risk being disappointed again.
faith.
i lack of it. how to pray in faith for more of faith? yet what is impossible with man is possible with God.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
supertiredpurgings
jiemin almost cant take this anymore.
days of digging for strength, squeezing the belief that all will be alright...all seems to dry up so quickly when i'm labbing. when i see how my results don't appear as i thought they would. i told myself to take it one at a time but i'm not listening anymore. how to try and succeed trying?
now still at lab, trying to maximize time by staying later, doing more.... but i'm so tired. and i can see that so many people are tired too. i was as ambitious as to think i'd like to encourage them, but how is that possible when i drowned in my own fatigue?
i don't know why this work hurts and drains me so. i don't know why i can't see it in a brighter light, to see beyond the pipetting and waiting and hoping for a pretty gel picture or whatever good results to the real picture: research. the reason for it. why do people go through all this experimenting which all sounds so glamorous and simple than when its hands on.
ok.
now i see why i should write. i always seem to discover things when i write and not when i think through it in my head. i don't know if there's something wrong above my neck or that my fingers assist the head in thinking. i wanna laugh out loud but too lame. =/
time to work. to pipette few more liquids in a little tube and leave it overnight. always i've prayed that it would do what the steps required it to be done, but today, i've another thought to bring back with me: why am i doing all this?
days of digging for strength, squeezing the belief that all will be alright...all seems to dry up so quickly when i'm labbing. when i see how my results don't appear as i thought they would. i told myself to take it one at a time but i'm not listening anymore. how to try and succeed trying?
now still at lab, trying to maximize time by staying later, doing more.... but i'm so tired. and i can see that so many people are tired too. i was as ambitious as to think i'd like to encourage them, but how is that possible when i drowned in my own fatigue?
i don't know why this work hurts and drains me so. i don't know why i can't see it in a brighter light, to see beyond the pipetting and waiting and hoping for a pretty gel picture or whatever good results to the real picture: research. the reason for it. why do people go through all this experimenting which all sounds so glamorous and simple than when its hands on.
ok.
now i see why i should write. i always seem to discover things when i write and not when i think through it in my head. i don't know if there's something wrong above my neck or that my fingers assist the head in thinking. i wanna laugh out loud but too lame. =/
time to work. to pipette few more liquids in a little tube and leave it overnight. always i've prayed that it would do what the steps required it to be done, but today, i've another thought to bring back with me: why am i doing all this?
Friday, February 8, 2008
hurting
bleeding
i am bleeding
inside
outside
i have been pretending
smiling
but now
it's hard to even do that
saviour, saviour i need
my real self pushes the mask away
but i don't want to
don't know how to reveal
let me hide
let me die inside
as i bleed
as i bleed
and tears and blood mix
i
am hurting
crying?i don't know
help....
i am bleeding
inside
outside
i have been pretending
smiling
but now
it's hard to even do that
saviour, saviour i need
my real self pushes the mask away
but i don't want to
don't know how to reveal
let me hide
let me die inside
as i bleed
as i bleed
and tears and blood mix
i
am hurting
crying?i don't know
help....
Thursday, January 24, 2008
happy?=(
i don't know where to start.
nowadays it seems like sadness is my middle name. i can't remember the last time i've felt so sad. before knowing and believing in Christ, yea, perhaps. i've had times when i felt i'm nearing depression. but after that, i don't quite remember having all those moments. but lately...since semester nearly began, i should think, i've been down. up sometimes, but then down again.
let's try today.
today is my birthday. turned 22. started yesterday shopping at midvalley, prayed for shoes and clothes for ma, and yes, i've got them! 2 heels with clasps for less than rm60, a nice off white sweater for 70% off, making it bout rm30 and a simple rm10 shirt for her to work in. i'm glad...i am. i felt happy again though before that i was down.
and going back to upm, kheng, jane and i managed to get on a komuter bus at 11pm...way after the designated time. it was good, it really was. and back at cafe, we had supper. met may fang, her friend, talked...then emily and wan leng came down and celebrated with me with a banjo as cake. it was good. it was.
this morning i woke happy. i told Father my birthday wish is to know Him more, get closer to Him. i came to lab and then class happy.
after class i wanted to reply amelia that i could have lunch with her but my phone had not enough credit. so i walked to where i believed is her office. empty. brother has not reloaded my credit. stuck. weather scorching. hot. alone. reminds me of my previous birthday. seems being alone is a norm. guess it stings a little more when its your birthday. expectations.
but is it that? or is there more? i don't know. so tired...so many times.
nowadays it seems like sadness is my middle name. i can't remember the last time i've felt so sad. before knowing and believing in Christ, yea, perhaps. i've had times when i felt i'm nearing depression. but after that, i don't quite remember having all those moments. but lately...since semester nearly began, i should think, i've been down. up sometimes, but then down again.
let's try today.
today is my birthday. turned 22. started yesterday shopping at midvalley, prayed for shoes and clothes for ma, and yes, i've got them! 2 heels with clasps for less than rm60, a nice off white sweater for 70% off, making it bout rm30 and a simple rm10 shirt for her to work in. i'm glad...i am. i felt happy again though before that i was down.
and going back to upm, kheng, jane and i managed to get on a komuter bus at 11pm...way after the designated time. it was good, it really was. and back at cafe, we had supper. met may fang, her friend, talked...then emily and wan leng came down and celebrated with me with a banjo as cake. it was good. it was.
this morning i woke happy. i told Father my birthday wish is to know Him more, get closer to Him. i came to lab and then class happy.
after class i wanted to reply amelia that i could have lunch with her but my phone had not enough credit. so i walked to where i believed is her office. empty. brother has not reloaded my credit. stuck. weather scorching. hot. alone. reminds me of my previous birthday. seems being alone is a norm. guess it stings a little more when its your birthday. expectations.
but is it that? or is there more? i don't know. so tired...so many times.
Friday, January 4, 2008
christmas.
new year.
new sem.
last sem.
things and time have been flying and i have just been floating on it all. nothing too deep or nothing drenched me.
i was dry. i still am.
and it hurts~
=(
i don't understand what's happening. is passion something that holds one together? like ...something. i don't know what. sigh.
i think i've lost it, whatever it was. i used to be cheerful, well maybe not really but at least a little bit more on the bright side. now i'm drained. dried out. i can't remember how to be how i was anymore.
i was up for lotsa stuff. i was more energetic. i wanted to go to church and all things related to it. now i'm just a hermit poking out of her shell once in a while when people knock, just so they know i haven't died inside and cause a commotion and make my head throb more than it already has.
*swallow.
i'm not falling into depression right? i don't think i am. not because i think there is no reason to, because depression for me came when there is no cause to it, or probably there is, only that i can't find it. and its the most depressing thing.
experience has taught me that there are many things that can't lift your spirit up. perhaps the way to say it, in case you get me wrong, or i get me wrong another day i read this, is that i have found out there are many things in life i realise are not as meaningful as i used to believe.
4 flat semester results. i never had that. i had it twice in a row and when i saw it for the 2nd time, i wasn't overjoyed. i know it mattered so much to me anymore. don't get me wrong, i am grateful to God because i knew it was His grace, and i deserved it not. but it's just that i found out also, through that achievement, that it's not everything. there are more important things that scoring well for exams. bigger things.
and maybe it's time to hunt.explore. find it and hold on to it. that is, if or when i put my heart to open my prayer to my Heavenly Father, who waits patiently for me to ask Him, for He will give. if only i would ask. if only.
new year.
new sem.
last sem.
things and time have been flying and i have just been floating on it all. nothing too deep or nothing drenched me.
i was dry. i still am.
and it hurts~
=(
i don't understand what's happening. is passion something that holds one together? like ...something. i don't know what. sigh.
i think i've lost it, whatever it was. i used to be cheerful, well maybe not really but at least a little bit more on the bright side. now i'm drained. dried out. i can't remember how to be how i was anymore.
i was up for lotsa stuff. i was more energetic. i wanted to go to church and all things related to it. now i'm just a hermit poking out of her shell once in a while when people knock, just so they know i haven't died inside and cause a commotion and make my head throb more than it already has.
*swallow.
i'm not falling into depression right? i don't think i am. not because i think there is no reason to, because depression for me came when there is no cause to it, or probably there is, only that i can't find it. and its the most depressing thing.
experience has taught me that there are many things that can't lift your spirit up. perhaps the way to say it, in case you get me wrong, or i get me wrong another day i read this, is that i have found out there are many things in life i realise are not as meaningful as i used to believe.
4 flat semester results. i never had that. i had it twice in a row and when i saw it for the 2nd time, i wasn't overjoyed. i know it mattered so much to me anymore. don't get me wrong, i am grateful to God because i knew it was His grace, and i deserved it not. but it's just that i found out also, through that achievement, that it's not everything. there are more important things that scoring well for exams. bigger things.
and maybe it's time to hunt.explore. find it and hold on to it. that is, if or when i put my heart to open my prayer to my Heavenly Father, who waits patiently for me to ask Him, for He will give. if only i would ask. if only.
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