we are all going to die. but how are we going to live? that's what matters then, right?
i am tempted to think that each day i am slowly dying, because death is inevitable. each day as time ticks by i am losing my life. but then i remember that there is another life after death, so even when we cannot avoid death, we can choose to live again. knowing there is an overcomer of death, i know i can live, by choice, and not die as i live. if i die, i die, but let me live while i can. when i live again after death, i pray there is no regrets for the time i had lived before i died.
for now, there are many regrets, many things i still wish to come true. so i am grateful for more time given; to stop being a monster, to be more of a human in God's path. i need help.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Thursday, December 24, 2009
how to keep yourself safe
me: i'm sorry, Lord. please don't let her get into trouble. *anxious, feeling bad. please don't let us lie.
God: then why did u think of how to lie?
me: ..... because i'm afraid. i need something to back up....
God: am i not enough?
should prayer be just one of the few ways to solve something, or is prayer the only way?
until i am desperate enough, and there is no other way, i know i will always tend to think of back ups, my own solutions - which is probably not up to His standards - to get myself out of something. when i run out of my own ways, that is when i truly and fully depend only on Him. so being totally helpless may not be a bad thing, because we may run out of ideas but never run out of God. that is why His strength shows best in our weakness. when we have nothing, He becomes our everything, and that is more than enough.
of course it's scary, i don't know how He will work! He might just expose whatever i was trying to hide, though i will be begging to be forgiven and forgotten for this time. maybe at times when such things happen, i would automatically think: He didn't answer my prayer. He didn't bail me out. but it has been said that 'No' is also an answer. as much as it hurts, i know He has my best interests at heart. (yea, i can say it now that i'm not hurting over some issue. which is why it's important to think when i am clear headed and unclouded by anger and/or pain). He would do it in His way, thank u very much. but being afraid of how He might work is better than being afraid if He might work. you've got to believe He hears you in the 1st place.
there really can only be one person holding the steering. now who do you think knows the way better? and if halfway through the journey you try to yank the steering to the direction you think is better, there is a pretty high chance of accident (think those dramas).
oh, and about the incident i was talking about? it's settled. no lies. amen. sometimes we just freak ourselves out and pitch all the safety nets (no matter how messy it is) and forget about that One who could just reach out and catch us when we fall.
God: then why did u think of how to lie?
me: ..... because i'm afraid. i need something to back up....
God: am i not enough?
should prayer be just one of the few ways to solve something, or is prayer the only way?
until i am desperate enough, and there is no other way, i know i will always tend to think of back ups, my own solutions - which is probably not up to His standards - to get myself out of something. when i run out of my own ways, that is when i truly and fully depend only on Him. so being totally helpless may not be a bad thing, because we may run out of ideas but never run out of God. that is why His strength shows best in our weakness. when we have nothing, He becomes our everything, and that is more than enough.
of course it's scary, i don't know how He will work! He might just expose whatever i was trying to hide, though i will be begging to be forgiven and forgotten for this time. maybe at times when such things happen, i would automatically think: He didn't answer my prayer. He didn't bail me out. but it has been said that 'No' is also an answer. as much as it hurts, i know He has my best interests at heart. (yea, i can say it now that i'm not hurting over some issue. which is why it's important to think when i am clear headed and unclouded by anger and/or pain). He would do it in His way, thank u very much. but being afraid of how He might work is better than being afraid if He might work. you've got to believe He hears you in the 1st place.
there really can only be one person holding the steering. now who do you think knows the way better? and if halfway through the journey you try to yank the steering to the direction you think is better, there is a pretty high chance of accident (think those dramas).
oh, and about the incident i was talking about? it's settled. no lies. amen. sometimes we just freak ourselves out and pitch all the safety nets (no matter how messy it is) and forget about that One who could just reach out and catch us when we fall.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
antara salah & right
girls are always in search of mr. right. how do we know who is?
make them wear tags. =D
today in lift, i saw mr. salah, as stated in his name tag. hehe. he was well-dressed and carried himself well. but he is not mr. betul. =P
*if mr. salah ever sees this post, i would like to clarify that i mean no insult whatsoever to him. it is an interesting name he has. and this mr. salah is someone's else's mr. right. =) that would make them both salah, but right for each other.
make them wear tags. =D
today in lift, i saw mr. salah, as stated in his name tag. hehe. he was well-dressed and carried himself well. but he is not mr. betul. =P
*if mr. salah ever sees this post, i would like to clarify that i mean no insult whatsoever to him. it is an interesting name he has. and this mr. salah is someone's else's mr. right. =) that would make them both salah, but right for each other.
in search of the S
i think i figured out something which probably a lot of people have already.
satisfaction is not in what i thought i liked to do, but that in doing what i liked to do, i serve a purpose that matters to me. this could explain why i tried to do that thing and still feel so restless and lost. i could not find back that enlightened, revealing moment i used to have. or even the joy and excitement. because i had concentrated so hard in the doing, i forgot why i am doing it. i thought the doing would make me happy, but it worked the other way round. i had been so expectant of that elation, i was so disappointed when i was let down.
but to be shoved to the dust, and discover something in it, makes it a worthwhile journey, or rather, experience.
i've yet to be fulfilled, but at least i know where to look now.
i've got keep my eyes on that purpose, the real desire. when i look to the right address, i can't go too far off, i hope. after all, my purpose is a Living Purpose, who actively draws and directs, so i know He is more than willing to lead me to Him.
doing is just the process, and not the end product. so, yes, it as dawned upon me. i may be slow, but i'm glad i'm moving. =)
satisfaction is not in what i thought i liked to do, but that in doing what i liked to do, i serve a purpose that matters to me. this could explain why i tried to do that thing and still feel so restless and lost. i could not find back that enlightened, revealing moment i used to have. or even the joy and excitement. because i had concentrated so hard in the doing, i forgot why i am doing it. i thought the doing would make me happy, but it worked the other way round. i had been so expectant of that elation, i was so disappointed when i was let down.
but to be shoved to the dust, and discover something in it, makes it a worthwhile journey, or rather, experience.
i've yet to be fulfilled, but at least i know where to look now.
i've got keep my eyes on that purpose, the real desire. when i look to the right address, i can't go too far off, i hope. after all, my purpose is a Living Purpose, who actively draws and directs, so i know He is more than willing to lead me to Him.
doing is just the process, and not the end product. so, yes, it as dawned upon me. i may be slow, but i'm glad i'm moving. =)
free doggy on the road
i saw a dog crossing the road yesterday.=) cute.
he (looks like a he to me) really stood at the roadside and watched and waited till the next car coming was slow enough for him to cross. what a cool dog. i don't mean to underestimate other dogs, only that i rarely see them do this. so yellow dog, you are cool. with further observation, it appears that he wanted to join his friend, another yellow dog on the other side. my hope is that they would live happily ever after and cars would be kind to them.
he (looks like a he to me) really stood at the roadside and watched and waited till the next car coming was slow enough for him to cross. what a cool dog. i don't mean to underestimate other dogs, only that i rarely see them do this. so yellow dog, you are cool. with further observation, it appears that he wanted to join his friend, another yellow dog on the other side. my hope is that they would live happily ever after and cars would be kind to them.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
hide
i do not know which is worse: to not know what i want to do or to know what i want to but could not do it.
i saw a friend's blog today. =) i'm glad she's writing, because it's beautiful. i'd love to be able to express myself that well, to put into words i would comprehend my feelings. yet the jumble inside.... to even start thinking about them, is a chore. but without clearing the mess, i'm in a mess. i miss her.
what i thought i liked, i can't do now. i want to run and hide again.
i saw a friend's blog today. =) i'm glad she's writing, because it's beautiful. i'd love to be able to express myself that well, to put into words i would comprehend my feelings. yet the jumble inside.... to even start thinking about them, is a chore. but without clearing the mess, i'm in a mess. i miss her.
what i thought i liked, i can't do now. i want to run and hide again.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
dinner darlings
i had dinner today with the 3 nailers in klcc. it was good.=)
first of all, because i knew klcc is a killer when it comes to parking, i left the car outside the apartment and took lrt today. it's been 3 weeks or more since i travel this way; i had been pampered with a car to drive to work and back. the lrt was not as scary and troublesome as i last remembered. perhaps because it's been a while, and i chose to take this path today. so tom sawyer was right in noting: a task becomes a job when we are obliged to do it, and a hobby when we are not. something like that. and because i had something in mind, and was looking carefully on where else around klcc that i could park the car next time, i didn't notice the walk between the station to office. when i was in a rush, the stretch of road seemed so long.
next, after work, i went over to klcc, and there was four persons in front of the gingerbread house, all in black. the three girls were pulling their violins, and the guy, his instrument which i had no idea what it's called. they played well, and i remember especially a song, Cannon, my cousin's favorite. as i watched them, and looked around, i realised: music brings people together, literally, physically. as people came and stood near to watch and listen, they are coming together. it is good to have something like this to make people stop in their tracks and enjoy the moment. we've been too preoccupied with doing, we never stop sometimes.
then comes dinner. food was good, ice cream happifying (thanks cikgu for the treat :D ), and the best dessert was served beside the pool: laughter. the gruelling modelling session under the artsy director (i won't mention who, cikgu =P ) loosened us up considerably, and it was followed by matter-of-the-heart talks and encouragement. i have not laughed so hard in such a long time, and i loved it! laughter indeed mended something inside, and once again i managed a peek through my blurry vision to the good God. it reminded me of a beautiful life i had forgotten i could have.
i want to laugh again, Lord. i want to trust that where i am is where You have chosen to place me, and though i do not see nor understand, i trust You. to show my trust, i want to give my best. maybe i do not see the relevance, but You see the bigger picture. and there are more purpose You have rather than just my career. there's always more than that, something worth much more.
a friend saw my personal message, that i need revival. it struck me during the conversation; don't we constantly need revival? if i am asked to die to self daily, won't i need Him to revive me again and again?
first of all, because i knew klcc is a killer when it comes to parking, i left the car outside the apartment and took lrt today. it's been 3 weeks or more since i travel this way; i had been pampered with a car to drive to work and back. the lrt was not as scary and troublesome as i last remembered. perhaps because it's been a while, and i chose to take this path today. so tom sawyer was right in noting: a task becomes a job when we are obliged to do it, and a hobby when we are not. something like that. and because i had something in mind, and was looking carefully on where else around klcc that i could park the car next time, i didn't notice the walk between the station to office. when i was in a rush, the stretch of road seemed so long.
next, after work, i went over to klcc, and there was four persons in front of the gingerbread house, all in black. the three girls were pulling their violins, and the guy, his instrument which i had no idea what it's called. they played well, and i remember especially a song, Cannon, my cousin's favorite. as i watched them, and looked around, i realised: music brings people together, literally, physically. as people came and stood near to watch and listen, they are coming together. it is good to have something like this to make people stop in their tracks and enjoy the moment. we've been too preoccupied with doing, we never stop sometimes.
then comes dinner. food was good, ice cream happifying (thanks cikgu for the treat :D ), and the best dessert was served beside the pool: laughter. the gruelling modelling session under the artsy director (i won't mention who, cikgu =P ) loosened us up considerably, and it was followed by matter-of-the-heart talks and encouragement. i have not laughed so hard in such a long time, and i loved it! laughter indeed mended something inside, and once again i managed a peek through my blurry vision to the good God. it reminded me of a beautiful life i had forgotten i could have.
i want to laugh again, Lord. i want to trust that where i am is where You have chosen to place me, and though i do not see nor understand, i trust You. to show my trust, i want to give my best. maybe i do not see the relevance, but You see the bigger picture. and there are more purpose You have rather than just my career. there's always more than that, something worth much more.
a friend saw my personal message, that i need revival. it struck me during the conversation; don't we constantly need revival? if i am asked to die to self daily, won't i need Him to revive me again and again?
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
bits n chunks
be careful what you wish for. so says the some horror flick. but i wonder at times whether it's me, the situation or God. previously i complained of no work to do. this week work came piling on top of me. sure makes me think twice before i complain of having no work. the work that came wasn't my favorite: packing. and to top it off, i felt like i was getting no help! then two nights ago i prayed for divine intervention. still, an angel didn't come and zap all my work away. =) i asked an elderly lady for help, and she agreed. i guess when i pray for help, sometimes i need to ask people too. God can work in many ways.
tomorrow i'm going to bring to work a small soft toy i got from a friend in a fair. that bear is gonna share my stress by allowing me to squeeze it. i hope there is no Bear Rights Association or law that prohibits me from this cruel act.
i'm not miserable, just sometimes down. Father, is this where You want me to be? I may get busy, but i don't want to lose sight of what i really want in life. i don't want to settle down and be comfortable, and forget my dreams. i want to constantly be inspired, be motivated to move further in my life's journey. please, please don't let me hope for time to pass faster, because time is flying already. please don't let me work just for the money, and then use up the money to pay bills, shop, work to get more money....in short, please don't let life be that type of routine, that clockwork. please, inspire me. please open my heart to live each day more.
help me find my dream that is aligned to Yours for me. help me fall in love again.
tomorrow i'm going to bring to work a small soft toy i got from a friend in a fair. that bear is gonna share my stress by allowing me to squeeze it. i hope there is no Bear Rights Association or law that prohibits me from this cruel act.
i'm not miserable, just sometimes down. Father, is this where You want me to be? I may get busy, but i don't want to lose sight of what i really want in life. i don't want to settle down and be comfortable, and forget my dreams. i want to constantly be inspired, be motivated to move further in my life's journey. please, please don't let me hope for time to pass faster, because time is flying already. please don't let me work just for the money, and then use up the money to pay bills, shop, work to get more money....in short, please don't let life be that type of routine, that clockwork. please, inspire me. please open my heart to live each day more.
help me find my dream that is aligned to Yours for me. help me fall in love again.
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