the stumping question

i know there's something wrong with me when i have to google 'taiping food' when my friend asked me what's good in taiping. but then, i am sure i am not the only one who was stumped when faced with that question (i know, because when i googled it, someone else admitted it too.) i think it is like the case with my melaka friend, who had her meals mostly at home, so it's not a norm to eat outside and know which is the place to go. ok, maybe she does. but my point is, it's just like zoo. i don't go to the zoo unless my outstation friends are around and they want to go. makes sense, right? i hope so.

Dilbert understands

dilbert understands.

should i be rejoicing? funnily, i'm not. is it me or where i am? cos it isn't the first time.

Between Just and Fair

God is just. no one ever said He is fair. so is He unfair? much as how my brain perceive fair as being a good trait, i have to admit, i don't think He is fair. so.... do we need to be fair? is being good, good enough?

fleeting feelings, old thoughts

feelings are fleeting. one moment up, the other down, right into the pits, although i tell myself it matters not, that little issue. it is indeed a tiny thing, my first reaction was to tell myself, don't show any signs of botherism <-- word probably non-existent. but that thought betrayed whatever i was trying to pretend. i was bothered, deep inside, though everything outside screamed patience and nonchalance. it was just a nothing, why am i so sensitive? yes, why? not only this time, but every other time.

sensitive sounds like a good word at times, fragile seems sorry, hurt is overused. maybe that is why i am always defensive. i need to put up more walls, more layers so i won't be so sensitive (still thinking of a better word). i know that in truth, holding back and playing safe will only harm me, if not hurt me more. but there is an instinct, almost like a habit, to not let go of myself, just yet. despite of what people may think, i am reserved, cautious. careful not to be carefree and too straightforward, because i've been told that life is not like that. it's not so simple, and there are too many things to consider. so hold back.

but i look at people i know, whom has not held back, and has given themselves, and taken the risk, and i want to be like that. i see them being vulnerable, getting hurt, and risk it again. so much fuller, that life. i want that too. i see how it blesses people and i know that is the real life. how can i experience the real life without letting go? real life includes pain, hurt, disappointment, along with joy and other 'good' things. but i battle within, because to take such risks is stupid, my brain reasoned. will thinking too much hold me back? i guess it's not the thinking. it's the decision i make at the end of my thoughts, that births the action.

i choose to live life fuller, with more pain and joy, but most of the time my defense system will trigger, so i am just taking baby steps, towards this path. i am always cautious, and it will need a conscious effort to acknowledge the warning, and take the risk. i'm still trying.

i'm trying to share my life, because it's the only way to fill it. i love it when people share theirs with me, it's great being part of their lives.

yes, i am still learning to live.=)

random post from office

i like being in the office early. well, maybe not, but there are perks being in the office early. like when there is only the cleaning lady and another employee at another far end, i am at ease to blog. =) especially when my colleague isn't here yet to look over the tiny short wall that separates us and read what i'm doing, once in a while.

i remember telling a friend that if God wants me to do something, He has to shove me into it, because i am hard at hearing and am a constant doubter. i think i'm the kind of person when faced with 50%-50% decision, to go or not to go, i'd lean towards stagnancy.

that is why, perhaps, He stamped a parking ticket on my (sister's) car's windshield so i dare not park in front of the apartment, and thus am forced to drive to work. so far, i survived two days. the car is still working, too. He knew me. i would try to avoid being 'saman' again. it's not as scary as i thought. lol. yes, i don't like driving, i prefer being driven. but it's good to practice, this is sort of a ticket to freedom. and maybe if i do it often, i won't mind it that much.

last night, as i lay down to sleep and couldn't fall into it as easily as usual, i really got to thinking how God has been with me, has brought me through ever since i started working again. i'm sure God has never left me, but His hands in my life are more evident now, or should i say, i am more alert to it now. the more i need Him, the more He shows Himself. =) He is always there, am i looking?

i want to be positive, and i am positive i am getting old.=/ there is so much He has done, the at-times-funny paths He has led me through, but i am struggling to recall. that is why i must write, to remember.

random: He has given me 3C --> car, colleagues, computer with Internet at home =P

i know i sometimes stand the risk of being annoyingly positive or cheerful. but there are days when no matter how hard i try, i can't feel that way. so when i can, shouldn't i be free to bask in it? =)

i'm going to dig in my lil black book to see if i can find more topics to say. gosh, i used to love writing so much. but now i seem overly cautious. how to lose myself, and set myself free through writing again?

a good treatment

life has been treating me well. how am i treating life?

job dreaming

dreaming about my job doesn't mean it's my dream job.

i don't hate it, either. =) i just hope it doesn't linger in my head as i sleep, cause i'd really like to have other things in it, since for most part of the day i'm in work.

but then again, work is not always in my head when i am at work. oh, but most of the time it is. =P