my little seed of a dream

jie min has a dream.

that little dream, or some call it wish, is to open a little cafe sort of stuff, and sell T-shirts, and maybe cakes and drinks. it seemed like a little dream, but seemed so far to me. brother said before if i am really so into it, i would be starting it in my own way now, like designing those tees and all. but i didnt. so perhaps im not so into it after all. wil this be another short lived dream, where i dance upon it for a little while.....before i hop on to the next thing?

i do hope not.

not so much as because the dream itself, but for me. i dont want to have short lived dreams and loves. i want something that lasts. i want to be sure that what i want now, i will want it later on in life.
sigh.
does anyone understand? i guess people do, im not so much of a complex creature. in a way, sometimes i feel the more i try to hide, the more im showing who i am inside.

insecure.

i am not as complex as i thought or want to be. at the end of the day, i am just me. i want my dreams. but i fear one day when the dream come to me, i wont be satisfied. crazy rite? yes i am. many would testify to that.

i only know that what will last is God's love for me. that was the only thing i know i'll never regret choosing. to believe in God, in Jesus, and what He did for me. for putting me into such a wonderful family, for saving me, for holding on to me when i thought i cant go on. He loves me, and because of that i know if i walk in His will, i;d never go wrong.

the perfect way. not the most easy way, but perfect in the sense that God chose it, and He knows what best for me. i could fall, be hurt, face things people maybe would rather not to, but if that is His way, that's the best. cause He;ll be with me, and He can overcome all things.

next problem. to know which is His way. with al the sounds from my own, the world, everythin else....i can;t recognize His voice. ah, and i cant blame it on the world when i myself do not try.

back to my little dream. O little dream, u r now a seed. if God will water u, if i continue to love u, u shall grow. but if i lost u in the course of my life, then....(swallow), sorry little one. perhaps u shall be a dream of another.

strength from joy?

on saturday it seemed everything is gonna turn out wonderful. i felt sweet, i felt like i could feel the presence of my God, and its really sweet. after 2 nights of quite unhappy lonely sleep, the night where i cried out to God, i woke up in the morning with peace in my heart. God is real, and He loves me.

and just when i thought all;s gonna be well....

i felt tired again. i felt stretched. i felt headache. tired.

i know walking with God is not a sail thru the rainbows. its not happy skipping all the time. there are times for maturity in Christ, which will probably only come after tests. and sometimes i felt so inadequate, when my problems are as tiny as the grain of sand, whereas people are really suffering, dying, for Christ elsewhere. but i rest assured that God still loves me. i don't need to prove something to be called His child. i'm accepted by His grace alone.

so all this headache...because sometimes i forget. i forget to draw strength from Him, to let the joy of being with Him be my strength. too many times i want to rely on myself. i got all proud of all my lil achievements and thought "hey, i can do this". or can i? without Him all falls to pieces in the end, i know, and i'l be back to square 1, asking myself, so what do i really want?

for example. lets look at my blog here. i started off rambling. now i stop and wonder wut it is i reli wanna say. i haven said it. its like my life. in trying to do much, i hop around the places, touching a lil here, a lil there.....and end up forgetting what i wanted.

purpose. focus.

without these(and right ones), all fall down. its just like an empty broken shell. smiles and laughter, if not genuine, even those that i tried so hard to convince myself that is real, at the end of the day, felt like a burden to maintain. what;s lasting and real can only come from the Lord. joy....a supernatural gladness, one that transcends all situation, no matter how hopeless it may seem, can only come from my Creator. hey, if He create all things, surely He's the ultimate one to create joy, right?

what i could have done but did not

there are many things in life that caused regret. but many times i assure myself, i can move on. try again another time. or perhaps its best it happened that way. somehow, i can let go. that the regret did not last too long.

but this time, its harder. cos i know there is no better way. there is only one way. and because of what i did not do, this way was not taken. of course, there may be a chance that even if i do it, that way may not be taken. it is something called freewill, where people decide what to do with their lives, and what happens after. but i could have at least tried! this person may not know at all. he could have chosen that way. and so i know it was me, who did not give that chance, by keeping silent. for being too afraid. and there is no second chance. for one did not die twice.

a family friend passed away yesterday, at 1pm something. i was shopping in kl, near pudu with aunt. but i have known earlier that this family friend was sick, and very unwell. i knew he was near death. we even visited him in hospital in ipoh. i wanted to tel him then. i found no courage. and after that he was discharged from hospital. my parents visited him in his house while my siblings and i stayed in an uncle's house watching our baby nephew. he was very weak then. could only speak a few words to my parents and slept. i didnt even pray for him. if i ever did, perhaps a lil while.

am i so unappreciative of people's lives??how could i? though i am not close to him, i knew him since a small child, and i know him as someone nice, a good friend of my father. but whatever it is, i have no excuse. no excuse not to share with him, to give a chance of eternal life. now it is too late. i was given a chance, and i did not give him that.

children of God have a big responsibility. and i do not know how to ask for forgiveness from God, for myself, that i did not do what i should.