a cancer called comparison

silly isn't it? the blog before the previous one i spoke of God's love, the next i'm insecure once again. fickle is the word.

you know what's my hobby?

comparing.

it's not something i do on purpose you know. it comes, creeps into my head and grew as i feed it. before i know it, it had proliferated so quickly into a mass, the train of thoughts now taking its own route, no longer controlled by me. and it shot so quickly in so many directions, i couldn't stop it. it has become a cancer.

and how evil this cancer could be! even the strongest bonds may be broken because of it. it could eat into relationships, destroying trust, killing the bridge that connects people together. suddenly the person whom you loved so much, and loved you in return, is the person whom you compare most with. and with that, hate seeps in. jealousy rears its head. dissatisfaction growls. flavored with a hint of whine. and the cocktail produced is a bitter one.

i know it's getting to me. the tears are not going to wash the pain away. no, i can't stop there. the heart is still too raw, too susceptible to more infections. if i don't open my wounded heart immediately to the One having the water of life, if i don't allow Him to wash me in His blood, i'm bound to die. perhaps not immediately, but surely. i thought that if i could pour out my bleeding heart before Him i'd be fine, but it's not true. which patient can tell the physician the symptoms of the disease and be healed? even if its diagnosed, it still needs treatment. how stupid it is to come all the way to the physician just to diagnose the disease yet turn away from the treatment. it changes nothing, only increased the awareness. but the disease persists.

i'm going to seek treatment. i don't want to be silly. and i don't want death: of me, of my precious relationships. i'm not gonna let this cancer take over! i've found the best physician, i have the cure. yea, therapy takes time, it may hurt, i may not feel comfortable, but i know i'll be safe. in His arms there is redemption.

new injury, self inflicted!

i've found a new thing to worry.

not difficult, considering the time i spend layan-ing my brain. in this sense, using the brain doesn't sound so intelectual anymore. but if i think, i must be using my brain? or can one think brainlessly? perhaps, but that is another matter which deserve a topic by itself.

i've found that....i'm insecure. that's not new. when people show their love to me, i'm happy. and guess how i can turn such blessings into self-inflicted injury? i doubt. suddenly i wonder if they really liked me. love me, probably, it is not a feeling after all, it is a choice. so yes, i know they have made a choice. they are good people,eally, so i expect they do love people. but like? do they like who jie min really is? or are they doing things because they are called to love? i wonder if they enjoy my company, who i am, as i am. they can find me, visit me, ask me for outings, but if i should one day stay with them, long term, i wonder what will they feel? even the thought of it? will they be tired? to face me each day, trying not to show how overbearing it is really.

yes, what a torture to think too much. and again, i must not be doing justice to the word 'think'. i'm sorry.

undirected

as i sit, i could just look up and smile. and bask in that glorious joy that i am loved.

love. the thing that makes one sing.

how many times have He assured me of this love? why do i only feel it strongly now? no...there was once, i remember, i woke up thinking of Him, with a song of praise on my lips, and what joy to wake then. that day brings much promises. what happened then?

too many times, i had it but lost it again. God's love is eternal and everlasting....but my faithfulness fluctuates. sigh.

i can never imagine myself to be in a relationship until i learn how to love God. how to love another person when i can't love God who loved me perfectly, unconditionally?

this post is so random. i must stop trying to write for other people's sake, for them to read, but do it for my sake. so i can write. and let it out.

i am not a complicated person, at least i don't think so. i believe many times i show who i really am, or indicate strongly who i am, through my actions which some thought i try to hide. truth is, sometimes i show it in that way. i don't open it and say, 'here, this is me', but i open it, and let you think i accidentally forgot to close it. yea, maybe i'd like people to know me.

it's really not hard to know me. all i need is time. i do trust people easily. i think. i could pour my life, which is probably not much, but it's not seen, to people who would listen. i'm not mysterious...though some think so. i think i can laugh at that. i'm probably an open book. if you don;t know that well then maybe you;re just not reading.

so many things have happened in my life since so long ago. i thought of days when i was really young...how God must have had a part in all that happened. sweet, when i think of it now. like an angel who watches and cared from afar, though i know Him not, He was taking care of me already. how when i was in kindergarten, i was so insecure. there was a girl who wont befriend me. i wonder what effect it had on me. how ma and pa loved me. how they pampered me. how they think i'm such a good daughter. yet what;s inside, only Heavenly Father knows. was i really that good? i don't think my siblings would agree to that. i remember them saying that i was selfish, with my color pencils or stuff like that. i believe even then i had begun to mind what people would think of me. it matters to me. i am insecure.

how i wanted so badly to have a best friend during early primary school years. i was on the look out for it. friends wont do, i must have a best one. i need that assurance. how later in primary school i belong to a group. i suppose that was good. i belong somewhere. oh and how drama i was even then. all the drama that happened, i was an actress too. those expressions, haha....i can laugh now. petty? perhaps. but probably everyone else was acting too. such soap opera.

gosh im pouring so much of myself out now. this blog is supposed to be secret! it should only be found out by those who really seek. but i'm stepping from seemingly-silly-but-actually-serious stories to stuff that would make people look with widened eyes. am i in for that risK? should i stop here and go to my journal instead? how long will i hide?

i don't want to hide. in fact, if given time enough, i'd have told my life story to jo, eunice, amy, yeeleng, almost anyone that are interested to hear my monotonous ramblings! but am i trying to get their attention? or am i sincere?

lately i have been more aware....how manipulative i am. yes, jiemin is not a simple person at times. oh well...depends on how you look at it. i can be simple AND manipulative. i just hope i am not harmful.

stop...

record!

yes!jiemin has currently surprised herself by sleeping real late....sometimes not at all. thank You God for giving me strength! and Your wondrous mercy too many times! =D

don't hurt yourself anymore

in Him all things are made, in Him all find their purpose and place.

don't feel lost, don't be afraid,
don' t you know?
He's waiting to take your hand,
lead you to beautiful places,
heal your wound,
your rest is complete,
peace, overflowing.
it's not a fantasy, no it's not.
i know the world hurts so bad,
nothing can ever seem so good.
but remember, He's not of this world.
yes He came, but He's back,
to His eternal home,
where we'll be, if only we believe.
and how i wish,
i could tell you, make you see,
cause all i want,
is to see you happy,
not just now and here,
but even ever after.
if it breaks my heart,
how much more it breaks His.
why live like this?
why can't we give up our stubborn fight, and just hide in Him?
its not cowardly, its not weak!
its the wisest thing, we can ever be!
when will you see, when will i see?
that all we ever need, it's all in Him.