new injury, self inflicted!

i've found a new thing to worry.

not difficult, considering the time i spend layan-ing my brain. in this sense, using the brain doesn't sound so intelectual anymore. but if i think, i must be using my brain? or can one think brainlessly? perhaps, but that is another matter which deserve a topic by itself.

i've found that....i'm insecure. that's not new. when people show their love to me, i'm happy. and guess how i can turn such blessings into self-inflicted injury? i doubt. suddenly i wonder if they really liked me. love me, probably, it is not a feeling after all, it is a choice. so yes, i know they have made a choice. they are good people,eally, so i expect they do love people. but like? do they like who jie min really is? or are they doing things because they are called to love? i wonder if they enjoy my company, who i am, as i am. they can find me, visit me, ask me for outings, but if i should one day stay with them, long term, i wonder what will they feel? even the thought of it? will they be tired? to face me each day, trying not to show how overbearing it is really.

yes, what a torture to think too much. and again, i must not be doing justice to the word 'think'. i'm sorry.