that's always the issue, isn't it. because we'd never really know. but at least, do know what i want?
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
restless
in search of sanity, or insanity, whichever will make me feel better.
common sense, i don't know what is that, or how it is made. ever changing, so its never common.
restlessness is a very apt word.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
here and there
doesn't mind doesn't mean doesn't matter.
one of the things i came to learn through a friend.
and, loving someone and wanting to protect them may not make them happy.
i am still bothered. when and how will this change?
Monday, September 20, 2010
passion, elusive
beneath the pile of 'realities', obligations and shoulds, lie passion, barely breathing. waiting, that one day you would acknowledge it, say it is real and let it live again.
right now, it is injured beyond recognition, and i wonder.. would it die, and never come back? and this fear could drive me further from it, the fear of losing it.
does everyone have a passion? are they born with it? and along the way something triggered it. is it like that?
the things i once believed i love; i'm not so sure anymore. again and again, i wonder if i'm good enough in what i like, and if i'm not, will i persevere? do we need talent and perseverance to birth passion?
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Saturday, May 29, 2010
dried from oversqueezing
i want to write something now that i am so free and this was what i said i wanted to do. of course i hope whatever was churned out can generate money in addition to providing satisfaction. however, due to reasons unknown to me, i could not squeeze something out. i felt extremely dry. am i doing it the wrong way? working backward? hmph.!
somewhere in my life, have i locked all my imagination and threw the key away because reality was laughing at me and my imagination? have i been so successful in conforming that i no longer dared to dream anymore?
when it's a stress to become myself, i know i've got it wrong. i am already me, what's there to become? sheesh. i think i will not repeat this to myself once i fully believe it. :)
somewhere in my life, have i locked all my imagination and threw the key away because reality was laughing at me and my imagination? have i been so successful in conforming that i no longer dared to dream anymore?
when it's a stress to become myself, i know i've got it wrong. i am already me, what's there to become? sheesh. i think i will not repeat this to myself once i fully believe it. :)
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Saturday, April 10, 2010
perfect
what is your perfect girl (or woman) like?
for me, there is no perfect girl, woman, boy or man. and last time i might have said there is a perfect one for you or me. but now, i don't think i can see that either. there is a special one for you and me, but he or she is not perfect, and neither is the match. nothing would fit perfectly, but i believe it is the effort in clicking, in closing up the gaps, in compromising for love, that the relationship is made whole, and maybe, perfect. Perfect, not because there are no problems, but you have found someone worth working through the problems with. And at certain points, overlook it, accept it, embrace it.
people perceive perfection differently. perfection, like beauty, lies in the eye of the beholder. but we just need to bear in mind, that people surprise us all the time. are you ready to be surprised?
for me, there is no perfect girl, woman, boy or man. and last time i might have said there is a perfect one for you or me. but now, i don't think i can see that either. there is a special one for you and me, but he or she is not perfect, and neither is the match. nothing would fit perfectly, but i believe it is the effort in clicking, in closing up the gaps, in compromising for love, that the relationship is made whole, and maybe, perfect. Perfect, not because there are no problems, but you have found someone worth working through the problems with. And at certain points, overlook it, accept it, embrace it.
people perceive perfection differently. perfection, like beauty, lies in the eye of the beholder. but we just need to bear in mind, that people surprise us all the time. are you ready to be surprised?
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
remember the titans
i've watched it before, and i could watch it again.
remember the titans.
i'm surprised it can still touch me, make me smile, inspire. and remind me that the hardest barrier to break still needs a first step, and it could happen in a way no one expected or imagined. a simple move perhaps. a willingness to open up. being honest, listening, and swallowing own pride. to make the first laugh, sincerely.
to not let stigma or prejudice add needles into what you hear. to look beyond and see the human inside.
i'll try to remember the titans.
remember the titans.
i'm surprised it can still touch me, make me smile, inspire. and remind me that the hardest barrier to break still needs a first step, and it could happen in a way no one expected or imagined. a simple move perhaps. a willingness to open up. being honest, listening, and swallowing own pride. to make the first laugh, sincerely.
to not let stigma or prejudice add needles into what you hear. to look beyond and see the human inside.
i'll try to remember the titans.
Monday, February 8, 2010
welcome to my heart
and in church I realised, that God would much rather be welcomed into our hearts, than into the most fancy of churches, because the door of our hearts are so much more precious to Him.
thank You for making me feel special, loved and precious. For I know You cared more for the condition of my heart, than the fame of the church. My willingness to open the door when You knock. I wanted so much to give You the permission to break down the door when I am just so stubborn, but You .. I think You want me to open it myself. Because You gave me the choice. In life's journey, in my relationship with You, You wouldn't want me to be a passive bystander, You want me to be actively involved; in the decision-making, in the actions, in the results. You want me to be part of it, Your great plan, to own it, and the only way is to be responsible, to make choices. Again and again.
thank You for making me feel special, loved and precious. For I know You cared more for the condition of my heart, than the fame of the church. My willingness to open the door when You knock. I wanted so much to give You the permission to break down the door when I am just so stubborn, but You .. I think You want me to open it myself. Because You gave me the choice. In life's journey, in my relationship with You, You wouldn't want me to be a passive bystander, You want me to be actively involved; in the decision-making, in the actions, in the results. You want me to be part of it, Your great plan, to own it, and the only way is to be responsible, to make choices. Again and again.
forgive, not forget
i'm finding that the hardest person to forgive is myself. i've done wrong, i've spoken too fast, and though no one says anything against me, i hate myself for saying it. instead of apologising, i do what i believe many of us do; treat like nothing has happened, and maybe be a little nicer to those who just got bombed. no one blames me. i believe everyone forgave me, even God. so i try to forgive myself, but the scene replays in my head.
we are forgiven. so let's forgive ourselves too.
i don't know if its possible to forget, or if we should even try, but forgiveness is definitely possible.
we are forgiven. so let's forgive ourselves too.
i don't know if its possible to forget, or if we should even try, but forgiveness is definitely possible.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
tending the heart
i'm sitting and lying down, thinking, getting confused. but i think it is the thinking that caused confusion, so it's alright. if i get confused, it means i'm thinking.
today seemed eventful. little sis has gone back to hometown. a part may be relieved that there is no more shopping ( i have realised i'm not really a shopper, i don't think i like it all that much. at least, i don't think so now). but i do feel a little empty. maybe i felt i have not done enough for her. that's my signature feeling. that i regret and think i have not given my best after the time has gone.
but what evoked more emotions was the fscc service today. pastor dorai took the stage, talked about hearts (again, hearts!). the soilless, the rocky soil, the thorny soil, the good soil. i am the thorny soil. i remember putting my status in fb; thorned. that was my cross between torn and hurt, but apparently it meant more to me than that. yes, my heart is that soil with thorns, which grew and choked God's presence in me. i hear His words yet the worries and cares of this world suffocates His word, and i flail. i think and think and sometimes try to depend on myself to solve certain matters, but i forget that He is here, and asking for His help doesn't make me helpless and useless, but wiser.
hearts, hearts, hearts. last week it was about how precious my heart is to Him, that He yearns to enter when He knocks ,when i open the door. this week i learn that i need to close the door to many things of the world, else my heart would be too crowded and He wouldnt' have enough space in my heart. i'm going to make Him an exclusive guest. He's going to be my VIP. of course, i need to let others in too. but it's really time to filter the guest list.
this is the first in a long time where i do want to step out of my seat to the front. and without waiting for anyone else to make the first move. thorns of bitterness and sadness needs to be pulled out. it was silly to keep the thorns that are hurting me, but humans do silly things all the time. the words that i have spoken somehow reflect the bitterness in me, and i hate myself for saying certain things. but i have spoken them, and speech is free but to retract them is impossible. i need to remind myself to make good use of my tongue, and my brain, to think before i speak.
i don't want to have the last say but get hurt by my own words in the end. and worse, hurt others. having the last say doesn't make me a winner. needing to have the last say only shows i am defensive, that i am not secure and assured enough to keep silent.
4 soils, 2 responses and 1 secret. leave it to pastor dorai to speak of soil, having been an expert in forestry. =) 3 does not bear fruit, 1 does. these are the response; to bear fruit or not. and the secret to convert these unfruitful soil to a fruitful one? HONESTY. an honest heart. to cry out to God that there are thorns, rocks, stones that is hindering the growth. to ask Him to pull and pick them out. to be willing. to admit. it takes courage to be vulnerable.
i've been living life on the surface, without any real roots to keep me safe. now i've decided, i want to grow roots. and since the soil of my heart is full of thorns, i'm gonna ask the Gardener to help me out. clear these thorns so i can bear fruit again. and though these thorns will keep coming, if the Gardener stays with me, i'm sure we can tackle it. i'd better prepare Him room. i'm hoping He's staying for good.
today seemed eventful. little sis has gone back to hometown. a part may be relieved that there is no more shopping ( i have realised i'm not really a shopper, i don't think i like it all that much. at least, i don't think so now). but i do feel a little empty. maybe i felt i have not done enough for her. that's my signature feeling. that i regret and think i have not given my best after the time has gone.
but what evoked more emotions was the fscc service today. pastor dorai took the stage, talked about hearts (again, hearts!). the soilless, the rocky soil, the thorny soil, the good soil. i am the thorny soil. i remember putting my status in fb; thorned. that was my cross between torn and hurt, but apparently it meant more to me than that. yes, my heart is that soil with thorns, which grew and choked God's presence in me. i hear His words yet the worries and cares of this world suffocates His word, and i flail. i think and think and sometimes try to depend on myself to solve certain matters, but i forget that He is here, and asking for His help doesn't make me helpless and useless, but wiser.
hearts, hearts, hearts. last week it was about how precious my heart is to Him, that He yearns to enter when He knocks ,when i open the door. this week i learn that i need to close the door to many things of the world, else my heart would be too crowded and He wouldnt' have enough space in my heart. i'm going to make Him an exclusive guest. He's going to be my VIP. of course, i need to let others in too. but it's really time to filter the guest list.
this is the first in a long time where i do want to step out of my seat to the front. and without waiting for anyone else to make the first move. thorns of bitterness and sadness needs to be pulled out. it was silly to keep the thorns that are hurting me, but humans do silly things all the time. the words that i have spoken somehow reflect the bitterness in me, and i hate myself for saying certain things. but i have spoken them, and speech is free but to retract them is impossible. i need to remind myself to make good use of my tongue, and my brain, to think before i speak.
i don't want to have the last say but get hurt by my own words in the end. and worse, hurt others. having the last say doesn't make me a winner. needing to have the last say only shows i am defensive, that i am not secure and assured enough to keep silent.
4 soils, 2 responses and 1 secret. leave it to pastor dorai to speak of soil, having been an expert in forestry. =) 3 does not bear fruit, 1 does. these are the response; to bear fruit or not. and the secret to convert these unfruitful soil to a fruitful one? HONESTY. an honest heart. to cry out to God that there are thorns, rocks, stones that is hindering the growth. to ask Him to pull and pick them out. to be willing. to admit. it takes courage to be vulnerable.
i've been living life on the surface, without any real roots to keep me safe. now i've decided, i want to grow roots. and since the soil of my heart is full of thorns, i'm gonna ask the Gardener to help me out. clear these thorns so i can bear fruit again. and though these thorns will keep coming, if the Gardener stays with me, i'm sure we can tackle it. i'd better prepare Him room. i'm hoping He's staying for good.
Friday, January 22, 2010
hope for the lost
i hope each time i'm lost, i'd find something new.
i'm always lost; be it in career, on roads, in life. but i'm learning that each time i'm lost, i try to find a way to where i intend to go. it's scary when i'm alone, i prefer to have company. but i tend to rely on my companion and let go much of my own responsibility and alertness. i will still be unsure of that path if i need to take it again, alone. but i know He knows, when to send me alone, when i need a friend, but He is always with me.
His grace is for the lost. for people like me. it is a fact but i feel it so much more when i am lost and am finding my way back. i'm reminding myself to be brave to be lost.
(there is an urge to cancel that last sentence, for i felt it may be used against me in many situations)
i'm always lost; be it in career, on roads, in life. but i'm learning that each time i'm lost, i try to find a way to where i intend to go. it's scary when i'm alone, i prefer to have company. but i tend to rely on my companion and let go much of my own responsibility and alertness. i will still be unsure of that path if i need to take it again, alone. but i know He knows, when to send me alone, when i need a friend, but He is always with me.
His grace is for the lost. for people like me. it is a fact but i feel it so much more when i am lost and am finding my way back. i'm reminding myself to be brave to be lost.
(there is an urge to cancel that last sentence, for i felt it may be used against me in many situations)
Friday, January 15, 2010
Saturday, January 9, 2010
remind me 2009
i've got to remember before i forget.
2009. if i don't try to capture the bits now, 2010 might fly by and before i know it, i'd be stumped to think what happened 2010.
so here's a quick run (i may miss some, or more) though i am dead tired.
-the suffering at s*****d. the loneliness. sadness. suspicion of depression. disappointment. lost. even anger. scanning, which at that time kills, but now it doesn't hurt me anymore. heck, i nearly forgot it already.
-the great escape. the freedom. the release.
-the impromptu decision to fly across the sea.
-the cool trip to cameron. very full stomachs. very many veges. very cold floor. very nice house. super yummy ice cream, and cheap too! and precious time spent with family. its not about the strawberries (by the way, we had waaaay more cucumber and tomatoes tripping back to us to taiping). and corn that burst in the mouth when you bite into it. ah the juicy one.
-the 1st time of airasia. to miri, land of unknown. the thick-faced tag along. the squeezing into the car. the plonking on bed of person yet unmet at that time. the mega kindness of friends of friend. the constant belanja. the dreaded incident (but timing was actually alright). the brunei stamp on passport. the sushi, lobster and wolverine. many pretty cars and tiled buildings. boon. =)
-flying with the wings of mas to mulu. woohoo! the tired walks but each time more than worthwhile. the jungle. :) the nice air. the fun guide. night walk. waterfall. caving. climbing. darkness. singaporeans. turtle cave. water. fear of the deep. satisfaction. joy. little snickers. leech :/ ern. paku vege (garlic, belacan). royal mulu. maggi with egg (checked price RM4 something?). the long walk. the canned food with canteen food. the bread and the toes. locked in the reading area. animals (rats?) running around. the identical bangles. cute eurasian kids who needed milo. sue.:) japanese guy. shirt with tag. the boat ride. =) the penan market. love mulu. a beautiful escape.
-miri to west. emo moments (seen). sue and i, the later ones. the night in lcct. the kesian sleep in the food court. the awake sue. the mcd breakfast porridge.
-redang. the surreal sea seen by snorkelling. surreal feeling. the long long journey. the meet up in kl. jason the guide. na si wa oo chi pak ban. volley. pee into sea (not me!). trigger fish. baby shark. weird fish that opens its mouth. penyu. sea cucumbers. jelly fish. breakfast before going to island. joann. the very blue sea. the aussie guy (nicknamed p**k c***p). the blue beach, it fluoresces! the bad sunburn. the worse heartburn. people's laughter. last night. hammock. the head bang. charis. cards and drinks.
-home in taiping. the work. the family. the business. sister's friend. the desire for something more. the wanting of being with friends. to be doing something. to find purpose. tears. lost, again. the missed sundays. excuses. running away from lp. fear of stepping out again. laziness to try. emerio, scope.
-and oct, s******e. unsure. just go. free. work, but doubt. load disliked. new people. new friends. =) some takes patience. senior left. seven to eight. thought: out of comfort zone. but now in comfort. (2010: soon eight to seven).
-christmas, brother's birthday. nice homemade chocolate cake by lil sis. 6@home. the rudeness. monster. :(
-new year's eve. many new friends. a lil talk before falling asleep.
-random: sis' car.
have i grown? what am i doing here? why had i wanted to be here? what is my passion?
2009. if i don't try to capture the bits now, 2010 might fly by and before i know it, i'd be stumped to think what happened 2010.
so here's a quick run (i may miss some, or more) though i am dead tired.
-the suffering at s*****d. the loneliness. sadness. suspicion of depression. disappointment. lost. even anger. scanning, which at that time kills, but now it doesn't hurt me anymore. heck, i nearly forgot it already.
-the great escape. the freedom. the release.
-the impromptu decision to fly across the sea.
-the cool trip to cameron. very full stomachs. very many veges. very cold floor. very nice house. super yummy ice cream, and cheap too! and precious time spent with family. its not about the strawberries (by the way, we had waaaay more cucumber and tomatoes tripping back to us to taiping). and corn that burst in the mouth when you bite into it. ah the juicy one.
-the 1st time of airasia. to miri, land of unknown. the thick-faced tag along. the squeezing into the car. the plonking on bed of person yet unmet at that time. the mega kindness of friends of friend. the constant belanja. the dreaded incident (but timing was actually alright). the brunei stamp on passport. the sushi, lobster and wolverine. many pretty cars and tiled buildings. boon. =)
-flying with the wings of mas to mulu. woohoo! the tired walks but each time more than worthwhile. the jungle. :) the nice air. the fun guide. night walk. waterfall. caving. climbing. darkness. singaporeans. turtle cave. water. fear of the deep. satisfaction. joy. little snickers. leech :/ ern. paku vege (garlic, belacan). royal mulu. maggi with egg (checked price RM4 something?). the long walk. the canned food with canteen food. the bread and the toes. locked in the reading area. animals (rats?) running around. the identical bangles. cute eurasian kids who needed milo. sue.:) japanese guy. shirt with tag. the boat ride. =) the penan market. love mulu. a beautiful escape.
-miri to west. emo moments (seen). sue and i, the later ones. the night in lcct. the kesian sleep in the food court. the awake sue. the mcd breakfast porridge.
-redang. the surreal sea seen by snorkelling. surreal feeling. the long long journey. the meet up in kl. jason the guide. na si wa oo chi pak ban. volley. pee into sea (not me!). trigger fish. baby shark. weird fish that opens its mouth. penyu. sea cucumbers. jelly fish. breakfast before going to island. joann. the very blue sea. the aussie guy (nicknamed p**k c***p). the blue beach, it fluoresces! the bad sunburn. the worse heartburn. people's laughter. last night. hammock. the head bang. charis. cards and drinks.
-home in taiping. the work. the family. the business. sister's friend. the desire for something more. the wanting of being with friends. to be doing something. to find purpose. tears. lost, again. the missed sundays. excuses. running away from lp. fear of stepping out again. laziness to try. emerio, scope.
-and oct, s******e. unsure. just go. free. work, but doubt. load disliked. new people. new friends. =) some takes patience. senior left. seven to eight. thought: out of comfort zone. but now in comfort. (2010: soon eight to seven).
-christmas, brother's birthday. nice homemade chocolate cake by lil sis. 6@home. the rudeness. monster. :(
-new year's eve. many new friends. a lil talk before falling asleep.
-random: sis' car.
have i grown? what am i doing here? why had i wanted to be here? what is my passion?
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