heartstrings

heart, i have said, is the darndest thing.

its strings have a way of getting intertwined with many things, causing tugs that may cause heartache.

allow me to introduce my dog, nicky, to the picture. he very well knows he should not pee in the house. but my family has relented and come to accept he will, at one certain spot, in the upstairs living room. so newspapers were laid for that little king to do his business.

but it's not enough for him.

i was back last weekend, and we were playing carrom in the downstairs living room. he must have felt much neglected, and to turn our attention back to him, he peed beside the laptop bag. right next to it. any bigger puddle, our laptop will be sitting wet. i cannot blame my brother for scolding him, and intimidating him with rolled newspaper. in fact, my brother was kind enough to make loud slaps on the floor, and not on nicky. up to the balcony he was shoo-ed, as a punishment of sort. but nicky has the nerve to pee in the upstairs living room the next time he got in. i caught him doing it halfway! so kena again lah from my brother. nicky has a way of looking very sorry and pitiful everytime this happens. but really, if he knew its wrong, then why do it?? while my brother is trying to scold and teach him, he attempted to bite! sigh. things got worse. as much as i felt sorry for nicky, he is in the wrong. when he got banished to the balcony, quite by force, i felt so sad for him. he was whining and crying, but to discipline him, we had to do it.

and that is why i think i won't keep a dog. if i have one, other than having to take care of it food and lodging, i have to worry about its comfort and happiness. i don't think i can provide all these, so i'm sure the dog is better off with someone else. then i wouldn't be burdened with the extra heartstrings attached as well. to me, it is a commitment, and that can be my 2nd worst trait, after indecisiveness. people may say i'm cold, maybe i am. but i am just trying to protect myself from more heartaches. and i am not kind enough to give so much of myself to really make that dog's day. so if i can't commit, better don't start.

yes i have a big issue with commitment. i am afraid of it. but what about friendships and family? how come i don't see them that way? maybe it is only scary when i am responsible for the other party.

i need to take care of the dog. it's my responsibility. if i sponsor a child in world vision, that is a responsibility. which is why i'd rather make a general donation than sponsor a specific child. i am afraid of that commitment, of the thought that the child would depend on me. i am afraid of more strings attached.

yes, i know that this fear would hold me back from truly daring to love people, to care. and i will live less fulfilled. but i am afraid.

i don't know how to love like God, to give His all, knowing He won't receive back all the love He has given. Opening Himself to the hurts that will follow, facing rejection and disappointment. Yet ever ready to love again.

even when i fall

a thousand times i've failed
still Your mercy remains
and should i stumble again
i'm caught in Your grace

struggling but still breathing in the choppy sea

as i tossed and turned in my bed, i struggle inside...my heart? as sure as i am that we all have a heart, what goes on in that organ is beyond me. how is this piece of flesh machinery able to feel and affect us humans in so many ways? how? so intangible.

i feel like a rag doll in a crazy sea, being tossed around in every direction, my decisions swaying and uncertain. it's tiring. if those people who hear me talk about it are tired, please imagine how many times i go through it. sorry for the self pity. i have this picture of climbing up a hill, getting to the top, thinking 'that's it!' only to roll down and find there's more hills to climb. and now i suspect if i'd ever reach a hill i want to stay. what am i saying?

a hopefully brief history:
i came in, thinking this is what i want. i got disappointed, tired, annoyed, angry, bitter, sad. 'i must leave!!!' i said. yet i felt like i can't or shouldn't. looking for jobs made me have headache (ok, so maybe that happens all the time)

as time passed, i learn to open up a little, peeking slightly out of the hard shell i have acquired. things are not so bad. yeah, i'm not crushed by the terrible emotions anymore, though i do not have the passion for the job. i thought its gonna be more ok.

then i was told that my company will be dormant for even longer than the said time. maybe i need to be swapped elsewhere. good chance to learn, superior says. could be true, but in my head i remember the cases of other employees being poked to here and there. truth is, the idea is not appealing to me. in my heart, or head, i felt like its time to leave. i had the peace to leave, something i never had, even in the most turbulent of times in the company. i shared with 3 friends regarding this. i said i didn't want to be rash.

rash could have saved me a lot of headache, though it won't guarantee me to be heartache-free in the long term. because few days after that, my decision again went for a swim in the crashing waves. as i sat in the lrt, i thought i felt i should stay (it's not my english, it's my mental state: i did think i felt! i don't know which organ was functioning when anymore. yune would say i'm too analytical. true. woe is me.) i seemed ok with it. perhaps God was testing me if i would leave when He asked me to. so He knows now i would. but He wants me to stay first?

i had thought maybe that's the case. after all, i have not done anything where i am now. work-wise, i do not care that much. but in the sense of people? have i done anything to leave a mark, at least show Him in me? i felt i should at least do that bit. then i'm good to go.

oh but how i struggle now. its been barely days but i felt so tired and lost. i thought i could go on even though i don't understand His plans, if this is His plan. i thought i am able to fully trust Him and follow. i was going to write an inspired piece on fixing my eyes on Him, and knowing that whichever path i take, whether it is a right or wrong turn, His grace will lead me back to Him, when i commit my ways to Him. now i have fallen back into that pit of fear, so afraid of not being at the right track again. i suppose there is still that Regret in me, Fear of missing out His perfect plan. yet have i forgotten that fresh lesson, to walk by faith and not by fear? my wrong decisions are not big enough to alter His ultimate purpose. this is not an excuse to take things for granted, rather, really, a call to walk by faith. it's obvious i can't see for sure where exactly my feet is stepping on, but i will turn my heart towards God. Matt Rawlins once said something that i believe as, even if the decision should be right, yet we have no faith to go for it, then don't. in my meagre bible knowledge, i remember a certain verse, that what is not of faith is sin? (actually i had to google to get the exact phrase). i seriously do not know if i had distorted the meaning, and whether it is applicable here at all. also, eugene spoke of moving to fscc as something he do not know whether it is right, but he will keep his eyes on the ultimate address, the reason.

gosh i have rambled.

yesterday my aunt suggested that i quit; no prospects. she was supportive, she would me to stay in her flat without rent, food provided, and if i should need money. when i first had the peace to leave, i knew i risk giving up financial independence, which i liked. now i feel more cautious about it. her words to me is what sent me tossing on bed (refer to my opening). i thought i could bring myself to stay, yet .... is people's words having too much effect on me?

ah i want so many things that i do not know which to go for first. or which i want most. =) that's a remark to dear ah yune who always say i'm indecisive.

i just need God's peace for the next step. right now, i'm a mess.

picking up from the bed toss, as i lay there and felt too dry to cry, and thought of how i could leave if i have not done anything close to significant in my workplace, i just felt His assurance that i matter to Him more than my deeds. i thank God that He gave us families so i can relate to what love is. i knew my parents would rather me be happy than suffer in trying to serve them. likewise, God loves me, and not my service. i am not a disappointment, i am no less in His eyes, despite my feeling of inadequacy.

i hope to be steady on my answer by the end of the month. i need to note, though, that i don't regret taking up this job, being where i am. God uses every opportunity to teach me something new. =)