Thank You for letting my heart break, because i know You will mold it again, into the shape You desired.
thank You for allowing the pain, because You teach those whom You love.
thank You for my weakness, so i can find in You strength.
thank You for these trials, because You knew how much i can take, and through it i am built.
thank You for never letting go.
thank You for watching my tears and letting me know You hurt when i do, probably more so.
thank You for providing friends whom i can say confidently that they love me. teach me to love them more.
thank You for Your unending patience, through my whines and rants You persevered.
thank You for never condemning me to be self-centred though i keep thinking of myself.
thank You for loving me unconditionally.
thank You for Hope.
thank You for Faith.
thank You, Love.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Friday, February 6, 2009
random wriggles
glancing through my previous post, i realised i've been a melancholic, pathetic whiner. what a joy-sapper. so much for the initial hope of writing a blog so as to give hope. actually that's not quite true, perhaps. i had wanted to share my journey and hopefully encourage people and give God the glory. overly noble statement. which reminds me i had in my heart yelled at a certain someone for being a self-righteous pig. i did. what a judgemental person i am. i wonder how much people can read my thoughts. i've imagined what if people are able to hear my thoughts. there was once these series on tv where this guy's thoughts was audible. poor guy! people around him had to act that they didn't know. i'm so glad God didn't let such stuff happen. erm, unless if it does happen, and i was the one being kept in the dark. oh but then....i should not control my evil thoughts only for the fear of people knowing right? for God knows my every thoughts, all that is in my heart. i believe a friend once told me that a good thing done/a bad thing not done just for the sake of people's approval is not a good motivation. i forgot the exact term. ahem.
being the long winded person i am, i have succeeded to write a whole paragraph on something that i have not planned to. oh yeah. i was going to write about history. the history of my sad blogs. sad to say, i am still sad. in fact, i think i'm sadder. i don't know. i know i don't want to write any more sad stories.
hrm. i used to be able to write more freely when no one knows of this address, but now i get more conscious.
before i try to sound more proper, i want to allow myself a paragraph of what i felt. i don't remember washing my eyes so many times, i used to think i have no tears. lately, as i read xtraordinary faith i would do that, it must be sheila's words and my broken heart added together to that effect. but i even practice caution, in case anyone should be back and see my state. so i controlled myself. more so at work.i guess i do feel very lonely where i am, i don't think i have any friends, i can't seem to trust people, so i always have to be on guard. i guess it made me really tired. do you know being defensive can be tiring?
so i was mistaken. i used to think i want to be in a challenging working place, wearing formal clothes, doing business, all that. but either i have the wrong perception of how it should it, or i was wrong about what i want or the place is wrong. but i think i don't want all this anymore. in the end, i just feel like i'm not suitable for such complex thing. i'm just a simple person, not the corporate high-flyer. i used to carry that pride thinking i'm smart, but now i'm humbled. at least some good came out of it, huh.
i used to think i'd like to dabble in law, business, projects, hospitals. i didn't expect God to provide such a package, but where i am, yeah, i could see stuff like that. only that i didn't expect i'd be so unhappy. and now i'm so afraid to ask for anything, because i have that fear i don't know what i want at all. can i walk away from where i am if i don't know where to go?
it had crossed my mind if God had forgot to programme me with a passion, but because He is perfect, He wouldn't have done this mistake. so what have i done with my passion? have i buried it so deep i've lost it? has it decayed beyond recognition? will i ever find it again? i used to think passion for God is good enough, but i see people serving God with what they are good at, and i think i need that too. not only so i can serve God, but that i can live my life to the full as well. doing what i love to do, doing it well, for a good cause. i'm tired thinking bout this for so long already. the people around me are tired with this topic. i don't want to talk to them about it anymore. but it just won't go away. i feel so stupid for writing it here but it's my blog rite? its where i can dump what i need to get out of my system.
having said that i want to thank my sister for providing the wireless modem so that i can wallow here, and for loving me, for coming all the way to insist on bringing me to the doctor, which, in the end, was just so near i could walk there. but i really didn't want to be a burden to her and her other half.
i can't really write focused anymore. random things fly about, all the warm chicken shits: learning mandarin, piano, dancing, writing stories...all getting cold.
being the long winded person i am, i have succeeded to write a whole paragraph on something that i have not planned to. oh yeah. i was going to write about history. the history of my sad blogs. sad to say, i am still sad. in fact, i think i'm sadder. i don't know. i know i don't want to write any more sad stories.
hrm. i used to be able to write more freely when no one knows of this address, but now i get more conscious.
before i try to sound more proper, i want to allow myself a paragraph of what i felt. i don't remember washing my eyes so many times, i used to think i have no tears. lately, as i read xtraordinary faith i would do that, it must be sheila's words and my broken heart added together to that effect. but i even practice caution, in case anyone should be back and see my state. so i controlled myself. more so at work.i guess i do feel very lonely where i am, i don't think i have any friends, i can't seem to trust people, so i always have to be on guard. i guess it made me really tired. do you know being defensive can be tiring?
so i was mistaken. i used to think i want to be in a challenging working place, wearing formal clothes, doing business, all that. but either i have the wrong perception of how it should it, or i was wrong about what i want or the place is wrong. but i think i don't want all this anymore. in the end, i just feel like i'm not suitable for such complex thing. i'm just a simple person, not the corporate high-flyer. i used to carry that pride thinking i'm smart, but now i'm humbled. at least some good came out of it, huh.
i used to think i'd like to dabble in law, business, projects, hospitals. i didn't expect God to provide such a package, but where i am, yeah, i could see stuff like that. only that i didn't expect i'd be so unhappy. and now i'm so afraid to ask for anything, because i have that fear i don't know what i want at all. can i walk away from where i am if i don't know where to go?
it had crossed my mind if God had forgot to programme me with a passion, but because He is perfect, He wouldn't have done this mistake. so what have i done with my passion? have i buried it so deep i've lost it? has it decayed beyond recognition? will i ever find it again? i used to think passion for God is good enough, but i see people serving God with what they are good at, and i think i need that too. not only so i can serve God, but that i can live my life to the full as well. doing what i love to do, doing it well, for a good cause. i'm tired thinking bout this for so long already. the people around me are tired with this topic. i don't want to talk to them about it anymore. but it just won't go away. i feel so stupid for writing it here but it's my blog rite? its where i can dump what i need to get out of my system.
having said that i want to thank my sister for providing the wireless modem so that i can wallow here, and for loving me, for coming all the way to insist on bringing me to the doctor, which, in the end, was just so near i could walk there. but i really didn't want to be a burden to her and her other half.
i can't really write focused anymore. random things fly about, all the warm chicken shits: learning mandarin, piano, dancing, writing stories...all getting cold.
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