death comes, it will

we are all going to die. but how are we going to live? that's what matters then, right?

i am tempted to think that each day i am slowly dying, because death is inevitable. each day as time ticks by i am losing my life. but then i remember that there is another life after death, so even when we cannot avoid death, we can choose to live again. knowing there is an overcomer of death, i know i can live, by choice, and not die as i live. if i die, i die, but let me live while i can. when i live again after death, i pray there is no regrets for the time i had lived before i died.

for now, there are many regrets, many things i still wish to come true. so i am grateful for more time given; to stop being a monster, to be more of a human in God's path. i need help.

how to keep yourself safe

me: i'm sorry, Lord. please don't let her get into trouble. *anxious, feeling bad. please don't let us lie.
God: then why did u think of how to lie?
me: ..... because i'm afraid. i need something to back up....
God: am i not enough?

should prayer be just one of the few ways to solve something, or is prayer the only way?

until i am desperate enough, and there is no other way, i know i will always tend to think of back ups, my own solutions - which is probably not up to His standards - to get myself out of something. when i run out of my own ways, that is when i truly and fully depend only on Him. so being totally helpless may not be a bad thing, because we may run out of ideas but never run out of God. that is why His strength shows best in our weakness. when we have nothing, He becomes our everything, and that is more than enough.

of course it's scary, i don't know how He will work! He might just expose whatever i was trying to hide, though i will be begging to be forgiven and forgotten for this time. maybe at times when such things happen, i would automatically think: He didn't answer my prayer. He didn't bail me out. but it has been said that 'No' is also an answer. as much as it hurts, i know He has my best interests at heart. (yea, i can say it now that i'm not hurting over some issue. which is why it's important to think when i am clear headed and unclouded by anger and/or pain). He would do it in His way, thank u very much. but being afraid of how He might work is better than being afraid if He might work. you've got to believe He hears you in the 1st place.

there really can only be one person holding the steering. now who do you think knows the way better? and if halfway through the journey you try to yank the steering to the direction you think is better, there is a pretty high chance of accident (think those dramas).

oh, and about the incident i was talking about? it's settled. no lies. amen. sometimes we just freak ourselves out and pitch all the safety nets (no matter how messy it is) and forget about that One who could just reach out and catch us when we fall.

antara salah & right

girls are always in search of mr. right. how do we know who is?

make them wear tags. =D

today in lift, i saw mr. salah, as stated in his name tag. hehe. he was well-dressed and carried himself well. but he is not mr. betul. =P

*if mr. salah ever sees this post, i would like to clarify that i mean no insult whatsoever to him. it is an interesting name he has. and this mr. salah is someone's else's mr. right. =) that would make them both salah, but right for each other.

in search of the S

i think i figured out something which probably a lot of people have already.

satisfaction is not in what i thought i liked to do, but that in doing what i liked to do, i serve a purpose that matters to me. this could explain why i tried to do that thing and still feel so restless and lost. i could not find back that enlightened, revealing moment i used to have. or even the joy and excitement. because i had concentrated so hard in the doing, i forgot why i am doing it. i thought the doing would make me happy, but it worked the other way round. i had been so expectant of that elation, i was so disappointed when i was let down.

but to be shoved to the dust, and discover something in it, makes it a worthwhile journey, or rather, experience.

i've yet to be fulfilled, but at least i know where to look now.

i've got keep my eyes on that purpose, the real desire. when i look to the right address, i can't go too far off, i hope. after all, my purpose is a Living Purpose, who actively draws and directs, so i know He is more than willing to lead me to Him.

doing is just the process, and not the end product. so, yes, it as dawned upon me. i may be slow, but i'm glad i'm moving. =)

free doggy on the road

i saw a dog crossing the road yesterday.=) cute.

he (looks like a he to me) really stood at the roadside and watched and waited till the next car coming was slow enough for him to cross. what a cool dog. i don't mean to underestimate other dogs, only that i rarely see them do this. so yellow dog, you are cool. with further observation, it appears that he wanted to join his friend, another yellow dog on the other side. my hope is that they would live happily ever after and cars would be kind to them.

hide

i do not know which is worse: to not know what i want to do or to know what i want to but could not do it.

i saw a friend's blog today. =) i'm glad she's writing, because it's beautiful. i'd love to be able to express myself that well, to put into words i would comprehend my feelings. yet the jumble inside.... to even start thinking about them, is a chore. but without clearing the mess, i'm in a mess. i miss her.

what i thought i liked, i can't do now. i want to run and hide again.

dinner darlings

i had dinner today with the 3 nailers in klcc. it was good.=)

first of all, because i knew klcc is a killer when it comes to parking, i left the car outside the apartment and took lrt today. it's been 3 weeks or more since i travel this way; i had been pampered with a car to drive to work and back. the lrt was not as scary and troublesome as i last remembered. perhaps because it's been a while, and i chose to take this path today. so tom sawyer was right in noting: a task becomes a job when we are obliged to do it, and a hobby when we are not. something like that. and because i had something in mind, and was looking carefully on where else around klcc that i could park the car next time, i didn't notice the walk between the station to office. when i was in a rush, the stretch of road seemed so long.

next, after work, i went over to klcc, and there was four persons in front of the gingerbread house, all in black. the three girls were pulling their violins, and the guy, his instrument which i had no idea what it's called. they played well, and i remember especially a song, Cannon, my cousin's favorite. as i watched them, and looked around, i realised: music brings people together, literally, physically. as people came and stood near to watch and listen, they are coming together. it is good to have something like this to make people stop in their tracks and enjoy the moment. we've been too preoccupied with doing, we never stop sometimes.

then comes dinner. food was good, ice cream happifying (thanks cikgu for the treat :D ), and the best dessert was served beside the pool: laughter. the gruelling modelling session under the artsy director (i won't mention who, cikgu =P ) loosened us up considerably, and it was followed by matter-of-the-heart talks and encouragement. i have not laughed so hard in such a long time, and i loved it! laughter indeed mended something inside, and once again i managed a peek through my blurry vision to the good God. it reminded me of a beautiful life i had forgotten i could have.

i want to laugh again, Lord. i want to trust that where i am is where You have chosen to place me, and though i do not see nor understand, i trust You. to show my trust, i want to give my best. maybe i do not see the relevance, but You see the bigger picture. and there are more purpose You have rather than just my career. there's always more than that, something worth much more.

a friend saw my personal message, that i need revival. it struck me during the conversation; don't we constantly need revival? if i am asked to die to self daily, won't i need Him to revive me again and again?

bits n chunks

be careful what you wish for. so says the some horror flick. but i wonder at times whether it's me, the situation or God. previously i complained of no work to do. this week work came piling on top of me. sure makes me think twice before i complain of having no work. the work that came wasn't my favorite: packing. and to top it off, i felt like i was getting no help! then two nights ago i prayed for divine intervention. still, an angel didn't come and zap all my work away. =) i asked an elderly lady for help, and she agreed. i guess when i pray for help, sometimes i need to ask people too. God can work in many ways.

tomorrow i'm going to bring to work a small soft toy i got from a friend in a fair. that bear is gonna share my stress by allowing me to squeeze it. i hope there is no Bear Rights Association or law that prohibits me from this cruel act.

i'm not miserable, just sometimes down. Father, is this where You want me to be? I may get busy, but i don't want to lose sight of what i really want in life. i don't want to settle down and be comfortable, and forget my dreams. i want to constantly be inspired, be motivated to move further in my life's journey. please, please don't let me hope for time to pass faster, because time is flying already. please don't let me work just for the money, and then use up the money to pay bills, shop, work to get more money....in short, please don't let life be that type of routine, that clockwork. please, inspire me. please open my heart to live each day more.

help me find my dream that is aligned to Yours for me. help me fall in love again.

the stumping question

i know there's something wrong with me when i have to google 'taiping food' when my friend asked me what's good in taiping. but then, i am sure i am not the only one who was stumped when faced with that question (i know, because when i googled it, someone else admitted it too.) i think it is like the case with my melaka friend, who had her meals mostly at home, so it's not a norm to eat outside and know which is the place to go. ok, maybe she does. but my point is, it's just like zoo. i don't go to the zoo unless my outstation friends are around and they want to go. makes sense, right? i hope so.

Dilbert understands

dilbert understands.

should i be rejoicing? funnily, i'm not. is it me or where i am? cos it isn't the first time.

Between Just and Fair

God is just. no one ever said He is fair. so is He unfair? much as how my brain perceive fair as being a good trait, i have to admit, i don't think He is fair. so.... do we need to be fair? is being good, good enough?

fleeting feelings, old thoughts

feelings are fleeting. one moment up, the other down, right into the pits, although i tell myself it matters not, that little issue. it is indeed a tiny thing, my first reaction was to tell myself, don't show any signs of botherism <-- word probably non-existent. but that thought betrayed whatever i was trying to pretend. i was bothered, deep inside, though everything outside screamed patience and nonchalance. it was just a nothing, why am i so sensitive? yes, why? not only this time, but every other time.

sensitive sounds like a good word at times, fragile seems sorry, hurt is overused. maybe that is why i am always defensive. i need to put up more walls, more layers so i won't be so sensitive (still thinking of a better word). i know that in truth, holding back and playing safe will only harm me, if not hurt me more. but there is an instinct, almost like a habit, to not let go of myself, just yet. despite of what people may think, i am reserved, cautious. careful not to be carefree and too straightforward, because i've been told that life is not like that. it's not so simple, and there are too many things to consider. so hold back.

but i look at people i know, whom has not held back, and has given themselves, and taken the risk, and i want to be like that. i see them being vulnerable, getting hurt, and risk it again. so much fuller, that life. i want that too. i see how it blesses people and i know that is the real life. how can i experience the real life without letting go? real life includes pain, hurt, disappointment, along with joy and other 'good' things. but i battle within, because to take such risks is stupid, my brain reasoned. will thinking too much hold me back? i guess it's not the thinking. it's the decision i make at the end of my thoughts, that births the action.

i choose to live life fuller, with more pain and joy, but most of the time my defense system will trigger, so i am just taking baby steps, towards this path. i am always cautious, and it will need a conscious effort to acknowledge the warning, and take the risk. i'm still trying.

i'm trying to share my life, because it's the only way to fill it. i love it when people share theirs with me, it's great being part of their lives.

yes, i am still learning to live.=)

random post from office

i like being in the office early. well, maybe not, but there are perks being in the office early. like when there is only the cleaning lady and another employee at another far end, i am at ease to blog. =) especially when my colleague isn't here yet to look over the tiny short wall that separates us and read what i'm doing, once in a while.

i remember telling a friend that if God wants me to do something, He has to shove me into it, because i am hard at hearing and am a constant doubter. i think i'm the kind of person when faced with 50%-50% decision, to go or not to go, i'd lean towards stagnancy.

that is why, perhaps, He stamped a parking ticket on my (sister's) car's windshield so i dare not park in front of the apartment, and thus am forced to drive to work. so far, i survived two days. the car is still working, too. He knew me. i would try to avoid being 'saman' again. it's not as scary as i thought. lol. yes, i don't like driving, i prefer being driven. but it's good to practice, this is sort of a ticket to freedom. and maybe if i do it often, i won't mind it that much.

last night, as i lay down to sleep and couldn't fall into it as easily as usual, i really got to thinking how God has been with me, has brought me through ever since i started working again. i'm sure God has never left me, but His hands in my life are more evident now, or should i say, i am more alert to it now. the more i need Him, the more He shows Himself. =) He is always there, am i looking?

i want to be positive, and i am positive i am getting old.=/ there is so much He has done, the at-times-funny paths He has led me through, but i am struggling to recall. that is why i must write, to remember.

random: He has given me 3C --> car, colleagues, computer with Internet at home =P

i know i sometimes stand the risk of being annoyingly positive or cheerful. but there are days when no matter how hard i try, i can't feel that way. so when i can, shouldn't i be free to bask in it? =)

i'm going to dig in my lil black book to see if i can find more topics to say. gosh, i used to love writing so much. but now i seem overly cautious. how to lose myself, and set myself free through writing again?

a good treatment

life has been treating me well. how am i treating life?

job dreaming

dreaming about my job doesn't mean it's my dream job.

i don't hate it, either. =) i just hope it doesn't linger in my head as i sleep, cause i'd really like to have other things in it, since for most part of the day i'm in work.

but then again, work is not always in my head when i am at work. oh, but most of the time it is. =P

why don't you ask?

i think we are afraid to ask because we don't know what we might get.

or,

i am afraid to ask because i don't know what i will get.

imagine we are in a gathering, and the spokesperson holds up a goodie bag, asking, 'who wants it?'

i suppose the first thought that came to my mind would be, is there a catch in it? will i be required to do something to get it? or.... paiseh lar...

i guess i just fear what may happen when i take the risk to ask. playing safe will be to hide in my cocoon and watch as others take the risk and wonder why my life is suffocating.

i think i need to be kicked out of my shell sometimes. but i do get annoyed when it happens too. sometimes. =)

ask, and it will be given. my Father knows what i need even before i ask of it. but when i ask, i believe it helps me see what i need.

because of His promise, i hope.

resign

it's sad that a lot of people resign from life faster than they resign from a job.

this matter

itmattersthatimattertoyoucosyoumattertome.

thehermit

one day, perhaps i'd soar, but right now, can i be content with this crawl?

O Lord, i think i'm going to fail this test, i feel i'm getting bitter than better.

i've tried to try

i've tried to try, but felt i have failed.

i've stumbled, and now i'm tired.

i'm making excuses, because there is no inspiring comments.

i'm wandering in the wilderness,
and yet,
yet perhaps i can glorify God even here!
what a thought.
i'm still lost.
you would have think i would have been tired of being lost.
i am.

i don't want to talk about it anymore.

F-u(ture)

i know not what the future holds for me, but i know He holds my future.

rubbish of the system

i know You must know what i'm going through.
i know sadness can't be Your plan for me, though i am sad perpetually.
i know this and that, but there must be more than knowing. there must be more to life.
is there a long road between knowing and believing? believing to trusting? trusting to surrendering? how far?

this is not what You want of me, yet i can't let go.

why am i afraid to laugh, to show love?
why do i dread walking into Your house, to see people, in families and feel alone?
have i lost hope? do i still dare to hope?
i'm afraid that they ask, and i have no answers. i know it's You and not me, but see, i just know.

life is full of dreams, but i am not living any.

running from situations is no good, but embracing it seems harder. its always prettier in the past, or future, but not the present. the mind plays games the person does not understand. i'm speaking words that i probably do not understand or believe.

hmpf.

there's more

sometimes i wonder i'm where He wants me to be.

sometimes i wonder if truly listen, and follow only when it suits me.

i'm wondering if i'm lukewarm and comfortable with it.

i wonder if i'm more concerned with how people see me than how i want to be seen by Him.

i wonder if i have traded my self for acceptance.

i wonder if i think too much. and do too little. and pray even less.

i don't know who i am, and have i, in my quest to find myself, lost sight of Him?

i read a friend's blog today, whom i discovered through links here and there. it's amazing how God is using her in her life, and made me realise i am not giving my life fully for the One who gave His for me. it made me sad, it also woke me up. prayer is a 2-way communication, i can't be the only one talking. i want to persist in listening, though i can't recognize the voice, yet i will remember that He is full of grace, and He is God.

i am actually thankful that He allows storms in my life, so i look for shelter in Him. i hope that every obstacle nudges me closer to Him. but i pray that that's not just it. when i walked to the front and said i dedicate my life to Him, i want to live it. there's more potential released when i surrender. there is courage needed in surrendering. even to the hands of a loving God.

splash in the dry land!

lunch at the nasi ekonomi stall today turned out to be a superb experience, not found in any starry hotels or fine dining. or even quirky concept cafes.

foodwise, normal. but halfway through we were entertained with little fountains of water dripping enthusiastically from the leaking roof. on our table, in front of our food. needless to say, some of my colleague's rice had extra soup. as we ate hurriedly, the makcik cleverly pushed the table to one side so that the fountains hit the floor instead, but our backs hit the other customers.

ah such heavy rain. and five of us were without brollies. wait lah.

we were huddled close, with the wind bringing the rain to us, and one colleague fearing the speeding cars that may send a splash from the puddle to her. then we noticed the swaying roof. maybe we should stand under another roof nearby. which was fine until we saw the longkang nearby was nearly overflowing. in no time, where we were standing were flooded. i tried my best to soak the heels and save as much of my larrie shoes as possible, but unless we stand on stools that was not likely. at times like this, who should come swimming in the flood but a syringe? we stared at it, thoughts of its previous use running in our heads. later as we were discussing, i realised there were 2 small cuts on my feet from the blisters. =/ i got lazy calculating the probabilities because my beloved shoes are soaked. and my polka white shirt is wet.

the rain was relentless! we had to change positions and all but we cannot run away from the rain. so we did it. we ran all the way back to the office, which is not far, but we had to splash through eeky water which probably came from the longkang and run in the rain, without brollies. in my white shirt. aih....

back at office, we went all the way up to 4th floor, where they have more toilets for us to wash feet. ah they have dryer there too, and a kind aunty suggested i go under that device to dry my shirt. and my drowned larries...i tried to wipe and dab but until now its still cold and wet. and guess what was our next activity?

sauna.

purely so that we can dry ourselves and our clothes. i was barbequeing larries when one of them suggested that it may grow bigger, as its leather. ok then.

seriously where else can anyone get such an experience, just by going to lunch in a simple nasi ekon stall? oh, anyone. you just need the weather, the longkang and the sauna.

if i should get any unwanted, suspicious disease, please remember this incident and don't get funny ideas.

but all in all, i had great fun! i started laughing the moment the fountains came. and i think this is gonna stay in my head and heart long after i leave, and i'd cherish this piece of memory, probably a lot more than other things from here.

thanks, God.

ps: i didnt dry my skirt and had to sit on it. that's no fun.

cages we build

i realised that sometimes i hold on the anger or pain as a defence. i wallow in it and allow it to build a strong, fat wall around me. sometimes there is that thought of breaking it down with hope, that chance. but sometimes i thought i'd secure myself in sadness, holding on to it, almost becoming comfortable with self-pity. funny isnt it. that fear/laziness to change, even for the better. maybe being happy makes us more vulnerable. maybe sad people has less to lose. yeah, because they have lost.

let's break free from the cage of self pity.

heartstrings

heart, i have said, is the darndest thing.

its strings have a way of getting intertwined with many things, causing tugs that may cause heartache.

allow me to introduce my dog, nicky, to the picture. he very well knows he should not pee in the house. but my family has relented and come to accept he will, at one certain spot, in the upstairs living room. so newspapers were laid for that little king to do his business.

but it's not enough for him.

i was back last weekend, and we were playing carrom in the downstairs living room. he must have felt much neglected, and to turn our attention back to him, he peed beside the laptop bag. right next to it. any bigger puddle, our laptop will be sitting wet. i cannot blame my brother for scolding him, and intimidating him with rolled newspaper. in fact, my brother was kind enough to make loud slaps on the floor, and not on nicky. up to the balcony he was shoo-ed, as a punishment of sort. but nicky has the nerve to pee in the upstairs living room the next time he got in. i caught him doing it halfway! so kena again lah from my brother. nicky has a way of looking very sorry and pitiful everytime this happens. but really, if he knew its wrong, then why do it?? while my brother is trying to scold and teach him, he attempted to bite! sigh. things got worse. as much as i felt sorry for nicky, he is in the wrong. when he got banished to the balcony, quite by force, i felt so sad for him. he was whining and crying, but to discipline him, we had to do it.

and that is why i think i won't keep a dog. if i have one, other than having to take care of it food and lodging, i have to worry about its comfort and happiness. i don't think i can provide all these, so i'm sure the dog is better off with someone else. then i wouldn't be burdened with the extra heartstrings attached as well. to me, it is a commitment, and that can be my 2nd worst trait, after indecisiveness. people may say i'm cold, maybe i am. but i am just trying to protect myself from more heartaches. and i am not kind enough to give so much of myself to really make that dog's day. so if i can't commit, better don't start.

yes i have a big issue with commitment. i am afraid of it. but what about friendships and family? how come i don't see them that way? maybe it is only scary when i am responsible for the other party.

i need to take care of the dog. it's my responsibility. if i sponsor a child in world vision, that is a responsibility. which is why i'd rather make a general donation than sponsor a specific child. i am afraid of that commitment, of the thought that the child would depend on me. i am afraid of more strings attached.

yes, i know that this fear would hold me back from truly daring to love people, to care. and i will live less fulfilled. but i am afraid.

i don't know how to love like God, to give His all, knowing He won't receive back all the love He has given. Opening Himself to the hurts that will follow, facing rejection and disappointment. Yet ever ready to love again.

even when i fall

a thousand times i've failed
still Your mercy remains
and should i stumble again
i'm caught in Your grace

struggling but still breathing in the choppy sea

as i tossed and turned in my bed, i struggle inside...my heart? as sure as i am that we all have a heart, what goes on in that organ is beyond me. how is this piece of flesh machinery able to feel and affect us humans in so many ways? how? so intangible.

i feel like a rag doll in a crazy sea, being tossed around in every direction, my decisions swaying and uncertain. it's tiring. if those people who hear me talk about it are tired, please imagine how many times i go through it. sorry for the self pity. i have this picture of climbing up a hill, getting to the top, thinking 'that's it!' only to roll down and find there's more hills to climb. and now i suspect if i'd ever reach a hill i want to stay. what am i saying?

a hopefully brief history:
i came in, thinking this is what i want. i got disappointed, tired, annoyed, angry, bitter, sad. 'i must leave!!!' i said. yet i felt like i can't or shouldn't. looking for jobs made me have headache (ok, so maybe that happens all the time)

as time passed, i learn to open up a little, peeking slightly out of the hard shell i have acquired. things are not so bad. yeah, i'm not crushed by the terrible emotions anymore, though i do not have the passion for the job. i thought its gonna be more ok.

then i was told that my company will be dormant for even longer than the said time. maybe i need to be swapped elsewhere. good chance to learn, superior says. could be true, but in my head i remember the cases of other employees being poked to here and there. truth is, the idea is not appealing to me. in my heart, or head, i felt like its time to leave. i had the peace to leave, something i never had, even in the most turbulent of times in the company. i shared with 3 friends regarding this. i said i didn't want to be rash.

rash could have saved me a lot of headache, though it won't guarantee me to be heartache-free in the long term. because few days after that, my decision again went for a swim in the crashing waves. as i sat in the lrt, i thought i felt i should stay (it's not my english, it's my mental state: i did think i felt! i don't know which organ was functioning when anymore. yune would say i'm too analytical. true. woe is me.) i seemed ok with it. perhaps God was testing me if i would leave when He asked me to. so He knows now i would. but He wants me to stay first?

i had thought maybe that's the case. after all, i have not done anything where i am now. work-wise, i do not care that much. but in the sense of people? have i done anything to leave a mark, at least show Him in me? i felt i should at least do that bit. then i'm good to go.

oh but how i struggle now. its been barely days but i felt so tired and lost. i thought i could go on even though i don't understand His plans, if this is His plan. i thought i am able to fully trust Him and follow. i was going to write an inspired piece on fixing my eyes on Him, and knowing that whichever path i take, whether it is a right or wrong turn, His grace will lead me back to Him, when i commit my ways to Him. now i have fallen back into that pit of fear, so afraid of not being at the right track again. i suppose there is still that Regret in me, Fear of missing out His perfect plan. yet have i forgotten that fresh lesson, to walk by faith and not by fear? my wrong decisions are not big enough to alter His ultimate purpose. this is not an excuse to take things for granted, rather, really, a call to walk by faith. it's obvious i can't see for sure where exactly my feet is stepping on, but i will turn my heart towards God. Matt Rawlins once said something that i believe as, even if the decision should be right, yet we have no faith to go for it, then don't. in my meagre bible knowledge, i remember a certain verse, that what is not of faith is sin? (actually i had to google to get the exact phrase). i seriously do not know if i had distorted the meaning, and whether it is applicable here at all. also, eugene spoke of moving to fscc as something he do not know whether it is right, but he will keep his eyes on the ultimate address, the reason.

gosh i have rambled.

yesterday my aunt suggested that i quit; no prospects. she was supportive, she would me to stay in her flat without rent, food provided, and if i should need money. when i first had the peace to leave, i knew i risk giving up financial independence, which i liked. now i feel more cautious about it. her words to me is what sent me tossing on bed (refer to my opening). i thought i could bring myself to stay, yet .... is people's words having too much effect on me?

ah i want so many things that i do not know which to go for first. or which i want most. =) that's a remark to dear ah yune who always say i'm indecisive.

i just need God's peace for the next step. right now, i'm a mess.

picking up from the bed toss, as i lay there and felt too dry to cry, and thought of how i could leave if i have not done anything close to significant in my workplace, i just felt His assurance that i matter to Him more than my deeds. i thank God that He gave us families so i can relate to what love is. i knew my parents would rather me be happy than suffer in trying to serve them. likewise, God loves me, and not my service. i am not a disappointment, i am no less in His eyes, despite my feeling of inadequacy.

i hope to be steady on my answer by the end of the month. i need to note, though, that i don't regret taking up this job, being where i am. God uses every opportunity to teach me something new. =)

i thank You.

Thank You for letting my heart break, because i know You will mold it again, into the shape You desired.
thank You for allowing the pain, because You teach those whom You love.
thank You for my weakness, so i can find in You strength.
thank You for these trials, because You knew how much i can take, and through it i am built.
thank You for never letting go.
thank You for watching my tears and letting me know You hurt when i do, probably more so.
thank You for providing friends whom i can say confidently that they love me. teach me to love them more.
thank You for Your unending patience, through my whines and rants You persevered.
thank You for never condemning me to be self-centred though i keep thinking of myself.
thank You for loving me unconditionally.
thank You for Hope.
thank You for Faith.
thank You, Love.

random wriggles

glancing through my previous post, i realised i've been a melancholic, pathetic whiner. what a joy-sapper. so much for the initial hope of writing a blog so as to give hope. actually that's not quite true, perhaps. i had wanted to share my journey and hopefully encourage people and give God the glory. overly noble statement. which reminds me i had in my heart yelled at a certain someone for being a self-righteous pig. i did. what a judgemental person i am. i wonder how much people can read my thoughts. i've imagined what if people are able to hear my thoughts. there was once these series on tv where this guy's thoughts was audible. poor guy! people around him had to act that they didn't know. i'm so glad God didn't let such stuff happen. erm, unless if it does happen, and i was the one being kept in the dark. oh but then....i should not control my evil thoughts only for the fear of people knowing right? for God knows my every thoughts, all that is in my heart. i believe a friend once told me that a good thing done/a bad thing not done just for the sake of people's approval is not a good motivation. i forgot the exact term. ahem.

being the long winded person i am, i have succeeded to write a whole paragraph on something that i have not planned to. oh yeah. i was going to write about history. the history of my sad blogs. sad to say, i am still sad. in fact, i think i'm sadder. i don't know. i know i don't want to write any more sad stories.

hrm. i used to be able to write more freely when no one knows of this address, but now i get more conscious.

before i try to sound more proper, i want to allow myself a paragraph of what i felt. i don't remember washing my eyes so many times, i used to think i have no tears. lately, as i read xtraordinary faith i would do that, it must be sheila's words and my broken heart added together to that effect. but i even practice caution, in case anyone should be back and see my state. so i controlled myself. more so at work.i guess i do feel very lonely where i am, i don't think i have any friends, i can't seem to trust people, so i always have to be on guard. i guess it made me really tired. do you know being defensive can be tiring?

so i was mistaken. i used to think i want to be in a challenging working place, wearing formal clothes, doing business, all that. but either i have the wrong perception of how it should it, or i was wrong about what i want or the place is wrong. but i think i don't want all this anymore. in the end, i just feel like i'm not suitable for such complex thing. i'm just a simple person, not the corporate high-flyer. i used to carry that pride thinking i'm smart, but now i'm humbled. at least some good came out of it, huh.

i used to think i'd like to dabble in law, business, projects, hospitals. i didn't expect God to provide such a package, but where i am, yeah, i could see stuff like that. only that i didn't expect i'd be so unhappy. and now i'm so afraid to ask for anything, because i have that fear i don't know what i want at all. can i walk away from where i am if i don't know where to go?

it had crossed my mind if God had forgot to programme me with a passion, but because He is perfect, He wouldn't have done this mistake. so what have i done with my passion? have i buried it so deep i've lost it? has it decayed beyond recognition? will i ever find it again? i used to think passion for God is good enough, but i see people serving God with what they are good at, and i think i need that too. not only so i can serve God, but that i can live my life to the full as well. doing what i love to do, doing it well, for a good cause. i'm tired thinking bout this for so long already. the people around me are tired with this topic. i don't want to talk to them about it anymore. but it just won't go away. i feel so stupid for writing it here but it's my blog rite? its where i can dump what i need to get out of my system.

having said that i want to thank my sister for providing the wireless modem so that i can wallow here, and for loving me, for coming all the way to insist on bringing me to the doctor, which, in the end, was just so near i could walk there. but i really didn't want to be a burden to her and her other half.

i can't really write focused anymore. random things fly about, all the warm chicken shits: learning mandarin, piano, dancing, writing stories...all getting cold.

Birthday Bits

For my 2009 birthday, of which i am already 23, i had some unexpected events.

First would be the early wishers rank. First place goes to (all names shall be dotted in between to avoid my site being found just because someone googled these fellas; an advice i read from someone's blog) t.su.yi.n. she aimed for it, and she got it! second; e.uge.ne, with his well-intentioned advice to rock the house with my birthday announcement. method: pillow smack. i considered that, thought of my cousins sleeping soundly, and went to sleep instead. it was a nice thought though. i'd do that when i'm less sober. ahem, 3rd place goes to ch.ea.h who seemed pretty happy with that ranking. 4th is me lil sis, 5th q.ihui, 6th joa.nn, 7th je.rem.y, 8th han.yue.n, 9th liy.uin, 10th ch.orja.ur. i don't mean anything by stating who ranked where, just that i realised it was really quite out of my expectation. not a bad thing though. =)

getting up at 3.40am to journey back to taiping from kl, having only 3 hours plus of sleep, i think i am entitled to be more blur. but hey, i did perasanly expect people in taiping to plan something up for me. after all, people sms-ed and ask when i'll be around. so i waited. and thus came chuah's suggestion for badminton at 5pm. okay.... so i had a little thought that perhaps they might want to celebrate that time, at the court. or perhaps talk about meeting up later at night. and i suspected nothing of chuah coming to pick me at the shop and bringing me back to house to get changed. in fact before she came i literally passed out from sleepiness and only woke 20minutes prior her arrival. so yes, i was in a dizzy state. i didn't think much of her sensitivity in not allowing me to check her phone. either i was really blur or she's a good actress. i'd hate to admit either one. =P

got to my house, the gate is open. few slippers on the porch. hrm, i thought perhaps lil sis has her friends over. chuah conveniently says she need the loo. and hurried me as we were late. my lil sis offered her help by saying she can't find the racquets. so i hurried past the living room....

to a sudden singing of happy birthday from the stairs. i don't know what expression i gave. i know as pictures were snapped i was continually asking if i could change clothes. i felt so shabby! haha. but they shoved the cake in my hands and made me make a wish, blow candles, cut cake. yes, it IS a surprise. i didn't expect them to barge in my house and conspire with my family way before i touch taiping town. ah, so now i see how my family can act. i never suspected them! naivety is me. i had really expected badminton.

well, as my mum says, better to have all these surprises while i'm young and the heart is strong. so to those peeps, you know who you are. thanks a million for proving that i can be surprised, and my heart is healthy. honestly, i really do like surprises. Pleasant ones, please. =D

just fair?

justice is not fairness. right?