fleeting feelings, old thoughts

feelings are fleeting. one moment up, the other down, right into the pits, although i tell myself it matters not, that little issue. it is indeed a tiny thing, my first reaction was to tell myself, don't show any signs of botherism <-- word probably non-existent. but that thought betrayed whatever i was trying to pretend. i was bothered, deep inside, though everything outside screamed patience and nonchalance. it was just a nothing, why am i so sensitive? yes, why? not only this time, but every other time.

sensitive sounds like a good word at times, fragile seems sorry, hurt is overused. maybe that is why i am always defensive. i need to put up more walls, more layers so i won't be so sensitive (still thinking of a better word). i know that in truth, holding back and playing safe will only harm me, if not hurt me more. but there is an instinct, almost like a habit, to not let go of myself, just yet. despite of what people may think, i am reserved, cautious. careful not to be carefree and too straightforward, because i've been told that life is not like that. it's not so simple, and there are too many things to consider. so hold back.

but i look at people i know, whom has not held back, and has given themselves, and taken the risk, and i want to be like that. i see them being vulnerable, getting hurt, and risk it again. so much fuller, that life. i want that too. i see how it blesses people and i know that is the real life. how can i experience the real life without letting go? real life includes pain, hurt, disappointment, along with joy and other 'good' things. but i battle within, because to take such risks is stupid, my brain reasoned. will thinking too much hold me back? i guess it's not the thinking. it's the decision i make at the end of my thoughts, that births the action.

i choose to live life fuller, with more pain and joy, but most of the time my defense system will trigger, so i am just taking baby steps, towards this path. i am always cautious, and it will need a conscious effort to acknowledge the warning, and take the risk. i'm still trying.

i'm trying to share my life, because it's the only way to fill it. i love it when people share theirs with me, it's great being part of their lives.

yes, i am still learning to live.=)