i need to believe that this God who loves me will allow me to be sad, hurt and disappointed. yea, He wants me to be happy, but i suppose some lessons can only be learn in not so happy ways. why do i feel like crying when i can't, and when i can i can't? i mean to say that it is at inconvenient time and place that i suddenly want to cry. but then, perhaps at a conveniently comfortable place i don't have that much need to cry anyway.
i've talked to God and thought that He wants me to be here. but when i am here, i'm rocked from that belief. does He really want me to be here? i'm sad here. does He want me to be sad? which goes back to the first paragraph.
the thing is, i'm sure it is not God ultimate plan to make me sad (like,duh!). but people get sad for many reasons, one of it out of not understanding, or not accepting. anyway, sadness is a feeling hard to avoid. we all go through it i suppose. sorry, i'm dizzy and quite suffocated from holding myself together. it is only normal for words to spew funnily.
is this Your place for me here? if yes, please strengthen me to go through it.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
uncheerful
as of today, i'm feeling quite lethargic and not too cheerful.
ever have that feeling that you're not happy where you are but you stayed on, trying to believe, perhaps already believing that though it doesn't feel like it, this is where you need to stay. there is no future or anything that interests you, nothing, really, to cause you to stay, but you felt like you should.
forgive me. one day i hope it make sense.
but today i hope to make it worthwhile. i really hope that i won't wait so hard for the future that i missed the present. it is my belief that no matter how sucky it may seem at the time being, God waste no time in letting us live life to the full. yes, i may be here for another purpose, of which one day i will understand, but even before my mind is allowed to comprehend, there is more to be done. you can say it is part of the story that paints the whole picture in the end.
it is quite a pain to be in the dark, uncertain and unhappy. but i suppose when happiness is out of the way, it gives way to joy to shine. many times we mix them up, not telling one from the other. but joy prevails, even when we're sad. it's hard to explain, i can't tell if it's harder to experience. but because joy is something that comes from above, i believe if we ask, we will receive.
i realised i have not asked.
ever have that feeling that you're not happy where you are but you stayed on, trying to believe, perhaps already believing that though it doesn't feel like it, this is where you need to stay. there is no future or anything that interests you, nothing, really, to cause you to stay, but you felt like you should.
forgive me. one day i hope it make sense.
but today i hope to make it worthwhile. i really hope that i won't wait so hard for the future that i missed the present. it is my belief that no matter how sucky it may seem at the time being, God waste no time in letting us live life to the full. yes, i may be here for another purpose, of which one day i will understand, but even before my mind is allowed to comprehend, there is more to be done. you can say it is part of the story that paints the whole picture in the end.
it is quite a pain to be in the dark, uncertain and unhappy. but i suppose when happiness is out of the way, it gives way to joy to shine. many times we mix them up, not telling one from the other. but joy prevails, even when we're sad. it's hard to explain, i can't tell if it's harder to experience. but because joy is something that comes from above, i believe if we ask, we will receive.
i realised i have not asked.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
called
reminder to self: a higher calling is not the call to something higher, but from One highest.
i suppose sometimes i want great things, and yes, He can give it, but then again i need to remember why i want those things. and if He should not give it to me, it is probably for my own good. but then, again, what's great? my opinion of greatness may differ from His. His ways are after all, higher than mine. and because He is in a higher position, He can see things clearly, in the BIG picture. so i trust His judgement. even though i don't understand it most of the time, i seem to suffer because i don't like what i'm going through, i just hope i love Him enough to trust Him. and that i won't waste where He has brought me, for there is a purpose to fulfill.
here i could write like it's so easy and simple but in reality i struggle and writhe and whine. and sometimes there are things so obviously right and easy to do but i just refuse to do it.
i suppose sometimes i want great things, and yes, He can give it, but then again i need to remember why i want those things. and if He should not give it to me, it is probably for my own good. but then, again, what's great? my opinion of greatness may differ from His. His ways are after all, higher than mine. and because He is in a higher position, He can see things clearly, in the BIG picture. so i trust His judgement. even though i don't understand it most of the time, i seem to suffer because i don't like what i'm going through, i just hope i love Him enough to trust Him. and that i won't waste where He has brought me, for there is a purpose to fulfill.
here i could write like it's so easy and simple but in reality i struggle and writhe and whine. and sometimes there are things so obviously right and easy to do but i just refuse to do it.
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