it's my fault.is it?

:~(

we all make mistakes.

but sometimes some are more weighty than others. some involve lives. some more. some involve eternity.

i am God's child. i am His ambassador. what i do could reflect Him.

so when i do something wrong, it seems so much heavier. i'm not reflecting nor representing Him. i may cause His name to be blemished.

what's worse is that it may cause people who doesn't know Him yet to turn further away. they will see what i do , what i've done, and shake their head. i've pushed them further away from the Kingdom.

yes, there may be other ways. God can have His way, even when i am disobedient. but every life is so precious, time is being poured out, like water, never to be retrieved again. i just want to make best, every opportunity. i can't turn back this time again, or perhaps never be part of this friend's life again. while i am there, please just let me be the vessel that carries Jesus' light, that she may see and know, He is alive, that God is love, God is just.

God, may You have Your perfect will,
may Your grace touch me once again,
as i try to come back into Your presence,
as i try to be the willing
and obedient vessel,
may i know
it is by Your spirit
and not my works
that people are healed
that people hear You
and believe in You.

i will not lose hope for God is my Hope. and He is everlasting. no matter what i've done, His forgiveness is there, so long as i confess and believe. let me not take for granted, Your abundant mercies and love.

God, i know i can fall on You, my Rock. i trust that with a sincere heart, as i draw near, You would not despise me, though You've seen all my transgressions, my awful sins, my shameful acts, even my secret thoughts. You've seen it all, Lord, but You said,"Come." You promise to make me as white as snow, how i do not know. but no greater love can ever be found, ever be experienced, than this.

thank You Lord.

molecular faith

that day, when i was doing my plasmid extraction, i noticed something.

at the step where i add stuff, here and there, centrifuge, pour off supernatant, bla bla... won't bore people with the details cos i am bored myself...well...guess what?

no pellet seen. i think my eyes widened a little (not much, can't be much) at the sight of the nothingness. my senior was with me, and i was assured that it could be there, just that i can't see it. and true enough, as i continued, moved on, when i added water, loaded it in the gel, and later stained and destained it, and viewed it under the UV light, it was there. there was something inside that tube, though i see it not, it was there.

do you know that feeling? of not seeing something, yet believing it is there, and you have to press on and continue, believing it IS there, until you can see the result in the end. and the result, is not the thingie itself. its a manifestation in other forms.

familiar? well, i dont know if im twisted, me and my mind, but it somehow reminds me of....

God.=)

i mean, i have never seen God. but i believe He is there. and i continue believing...and He shows Himself in ways...though i don't see Him in person, i see His wonderful works. He manifests Himself in ways. we don't see Him yet we know and believe He is there. Faith. =)

so how come people could believe in science, where there are so many things we can't see, that we have to figure out through some biochemistry or some difficult jargon, just to predict and make all sorts of theories about it, but find it so hard to believe in a Creator, so loving, so mighty....that He created us all, along with the world we live in, and all the sciences behind it?

people are dedicating their whole lives to discover new things, believing there is more and more. i'm not against that.....but i just thought, if they know who is the One behind it, that'll be more beautiful. and meaningful. and perhaps with every discovery, they learn more about the Maker. that will be the biggest picture. or should i say, the only picture? for all other things are just pieces from this picture, and they don't stand alone. isn't it more worth it, to dedicate our lives, for a cause bigger than ourselves, for a discovery that lasts for eternity? yes, discover science, but discover God in it, over it, above it.

are we really looking for hard evidences? or are we just hard inside?

the woman in my life

ma,
that day i saw your face
up close
and i saw the wrinkles
fine lines on your eyes
and i realised
how long i've never
looked at your face

i realised
how much you
have given up
for me, for this family
how we have become your priority
your heart and soul
that you would put yourself second
to our needs

ma,
more than anything
it breaks my heart
to know
that our eternity
is not guaranteed
that i may not get to spend
ever after
with you
if you don't believe
in the only One
who gives this grace
this gift

ma!
so many times i wish
i knew how to tell you
i really love you
i want to hug you
close to me, my heart
and share Jesus with you

i wish you would believe
i wish we would enter heaven
i wish i knew
and not be afraid
of tomorrow
when i know where eternity is
for us

all your pain
all you have done
i just wish
ma...
i just wish
that you would know Jesus
then all will be fine
no matter what come may
all will be fine
we have eternity

ma,
i want to share eternity with you.

s h a ke n. .. .

i am feeling so scared
so fearful inside
and nobody knows
except for God
so afraid
so embarrassed
i don't know to share it
how to ask for help
what's going to happen to me?
i thought its nothing
just something on the surface
but all the news im hearing
is blasting warning signs
it could be something more
deeper than skin
and images just wont leave
i think i can vomit
i really want to cry
and ask God that i wont be afflicted
that i wont go through that ugly scary phase
im so scared!
i cant do anything
felt almost numb with fear
i need to cry to God
i need to really sob
if i hold it anymore i'd break
im so scared.
=~(

the best giveaway!

i am depressed! or rather, was. about my final year project! what seemed like a simple experiment made me all down and pressed and icky all inside. i can almost say i have never disliked (very close to loathing, despising, perhaps there already) anything as much. i find it so dificult, i find it so annoying....everything about it! i dont like the waiting, the no-result moments, the repetition, the lab work! i think going into lab for it depresses me, it sucked the life out of me, i could walk back from biotech3 crying. i could, but have never, mind you.

so as i was walking back, i talked to God. i told Him if He has brought me to it, He'd bring me through it. i won't scrape through this project almost dead, i'd emerge victorous because of Him. and the next morning i continue calling out to Him for help. as i prayed i realise i've got to make this His project. not mine, but His. and because it is His, i have released this burden to Him. i won't have to worry because He takes it away, He will see this project through because it is His. i am His servant to do the project, and because it is His i can find more passion, more determination and more direction. the project has more meaning, it found its meaning in Him!

God is soooo amazing! and so many times i forget the littlest stuff, of letting God into my life in every situation, like now. yet when i cry out to Him, He's patient enough to remind me. and graciously takes my worries away. no condemnation. wow.

of course, right now i'm still stuck at the beginning....results did not miraculously drop beautifully on my lap...yet. though He's perfectly able to perform miracles, i trust that He may have other plans. i will take on this road and trust in Him. i admit i don't pray once and be merry everyday. daily, more than once a day, i need Him to comfort me and tell Him my fears and sighs and whimpers and whines. but He's always there. He's the love that never lets me go. =)

and guess what? He heard my prayers and i have nice seniors to help me. i'm so glad. =D yup...this road is gonna teach me bout faith...lots. oh, and i prayed at the start for single colonies, for my 3 strains of lactococcus lactis, and they nicely came in single colonies! wow. this project requires me to continuously pray and believe. even in the things i can't see. but this is gonna be another chapter.=p

this is the time

yawn!

it is the time of after midsem break, when you feel that you need more holidays but instead are greeted in uni with so much more work, most delayed from before break, and new works are catching up...all piling up high...while you frantically try to get back the study momentum, yet feel so laggy... sigh.

at times like this i should be doing my lab report due tomoro and preparing a good presentation worth 20% for thursday. yet i cant help but hop in here for a word.

it is a tiring time. but when more to feel the love of God, even in, or especially in, times of crisis? to know that in every circumstance, He still wants to sit with me and talk to me, and that i can pour out my worries to Him and trust Him in all that i need to do?

of course, having said all that beautiful things, i admit, and confess i am not perfect, far from it. i still stress, i still worry, but i'm so glad He's so patient with me. and that He can use any situation, though i may view it negatively, though by the world's standards are bad things, to bring a different kind of blessing in my life. because He knows best. He knows my deepest heart's desire. it is beyond what the world would comprehend. neither would i, till He shows me.

it is also at times like this, friends are precious, sisters are marvellous wonders, who support and encourage me in times of need. oh, what a blessing! to be able to encourage one another in the Lord, for we all are weak humans, but through our weaknesses we find strength in our Heavenly Father and through the family of Christ He put us with. it is then i am humbled by my own ability, and find that i need Him so much, and also the sisters He sent in my life.

He's my perfect Father, the constant listener, the ever faithful One. and though many times i've let Him down, i've been disobedient...He opens His arms and welcomes me back, if only i would. and i need His mercy so much, and will continue to need it. but i know i can count on it, for His love is everlasting.

may i not take it for granted!

my little seed of a dream

jie min has a dream.

that little dream, or some call it wish, is to open a little cafe sort of stuff, and sell T-shirts, and maybe cakes and drinks. it seemed like a little dream, but seemed so far to me. brother said before if i am really so into it, i would be starting it in my own way now, like designing those tees and all. but i didnt. so perhaps im not so into it after all. wil this be another short lived dream, where i dance upon it for a little while.....before i hop on to the next thing?

i do hope not.

not so much as because the dream itself, but for me. i dont want to have short lived dreams and loves. i want something that lasts. i want to be sure that what i want now, i will want it later on in life.
sigh.
does anyone understand? i guess people do, im not so much of a complex creature. in a way, sometimes i feel the more i try to hide, the more im showing who i am inside.

insecure.

i am not as complex as i thought or want to be. at the end of the day, i am just me. i want my dreams. but i fear one day when the dream come to me, i wont be satisfied. crazy rite? yes i am. many would testify to that.

i only know that what will last is God's love for me. that was the only thing i know i'll never regret choosing. to believe in God, in Jesus, and what He did for me. for putting me into such a wonderful family, for saving me, for holding on to me when i thought i cant go on. He loves me, and because of that i know if i walk in His will, i;d never go wrong.

the perfect way. not the most easy way, but perfect in the sense that God chose it, and He knows what best for me. i could fall, be hurt, face things people maybe would rather not to, but if that is His way, that's the best. cause He;ll be with me, and He can overcome all things.

next problem. to know which is His way. with al the sounds from my own, the world, everythin else....i can;t recognize His voice. ah, and i cant blame it on the world when i myself do not try.

back to my little dream. O little dream, u r now a seed. if God will water u, if i continue to love u, u shall grow. but if i lost u in the course of my life, then....(swallow), sorry little one. perhaps u shall be a dream of another.

strength from joy?

on saturday it seemed everything is gonna turn out wonderful. i felt sweet, i felt like i could feel the presence of my God, and its really sweet. after 2 nights of quite unhappy lonely sleep, the night where i cried out to God, i woke up in the morning with peace in my heart. God is real, and He loves me.

and just when i thought all;s gonna be well....

i felt tired again. i felt stretched. i felt headache. tired.

i know walking with God is not a sail thru the rainbows. its not happy skipping all the time. there are times for maturity in Christ, which will probably only come after tests. and sometimes i felt so inadequate, when my problems are as tiny as the grain of sand, whereas people are really suffering, dying, for Christ elsewhere. but i rest assured that God still loves me. i don't need to prove something to be called His child. i'm accepted by His grace alone.

so all this headache...because sometimes i forget. i forget to draw strength from Him, to let the joy of being with Him be my strength. too many times i want to rely on myself. i got all proud of all my lil achievements and thought "hey, i can do this". or can i? without Him all falls to pieces in the end, i know, and i'l be back to square 1, asking myself, so what do i really want?

for example. lets look at my blog here. i started off rambling. now i stop and wonder wut it is i reli wanna say. i haven said it. its like my life. in trying to do much, i hop around the places, touching a lil here, a lil there.....and end up forgetting what i wanted.

purpose. focus.

without these(and right ones), all fall down. its just like an empty broken shell. smiles and laughter, if not genuine, even those that i tried so hard to convince myself that is real, at the end of the day, felt like a burden to maintain. what;s lasting and real can only come from the Lord. joy....a supernatural gladness, one that transcends all situation, no matter how hopeless it may seem, can only come from my Creator. hey, if He create all things, surely He's the ultimate one to create joy, right?

what i could have done but did not

there are many things in life that caused regret. but many times i assure myself, i can move on. try again another time. or perhaps its best it happened that way. somehow, i can let go. that the regret did not last too long.

but this time, its harder. cos i know there is no better way. there is only one way. and because of what i did not do, this way was not taken. of course, there may be a chance that even if i do it, that way may not be taken. it is something called freewill, where people decide what to do with their lives, and what happens after. but i could have at least tried! this person may not know at all. he could have chosen that way. and so i know it was me, who did not give that chance, by keeping silent. for being too afraid. and there is no second chance. for one did not die twice.

a family friend passed away yesterday, at 1pm something. i was shopping in kl, near pudu with aunt. but i have known earlier that this family friend was sick, and very unwell. i knew he was near death. we even visited him in hospital in ipoh. i wanted to tel him then. i found no courage. and after that he was discharged from hospital. my parents visited him in his house while my siblings and i stayed in an uncle's house watching our baby nephew. he was very weak then. could only speak a few words to my parents and slept. i didnt even pray for him. if i ever did, perhaps a lil while.

am i so unappreciative of people's lives??how could i? though i am not close to him, i knew him since a small child, and i know him as someone nice, a good friend of my father. but whatever it is, i have no excuse. no excuse not to share with him, to give a chance of eternal life. now it is too late. i was given a chance, and i did not give him that.

children of God have a big responsibility. and i do not know how to ask for forgiveness from God, for myself, that i did not do what i should.

for the girl's rainbows&clouds

i love you, you, you, you and you sooooo much! but i can't say it out. i hope u understand. i don't know how. it's just never done. but i really hope that one day, we can all say that, show that, freely... one day...one day...

there is a girl whom i know, whom i love, who wants to slide down the rainbows and hop from cloud to cloud.... and she yearns for that. and oh if only i could tell her, that there is One, if He could make the rainbows, surely He is able to make a slide out of it, if He could make the clouds, won't He let His children dance upon them? and He so loved His children in this world that He would send His perfect Son to suffer the cross, that through Him we may live. isn't this love perfect enough? if only i could her, this girl, whom i love, but not as much as He loves her, this girl, whom i know, but not as much as the Heavenly Father who made her, and knew every strand of hair on her head, and knows every tear she cry. when will she know? when will i tell her?

lonely & longings, parents here&above

i am a very torn person. i might as well be created in a few, no, make that many many, pieces. though i still believe that God knows what's best for me and still created me in one piece. i can feel that i really love to go bck home, but i also know that i am here, in my varsity, for a reason. this battle i've been fighting since donkey years. okay, maybe i exaggerated, but the frequency of me yearning to go back and being reminded that i'm to appreciate my time while i'm here is just too high. so here i learn that there is a wide gap between knowing and understanding. a huge gulf between having knowledge and letting that knowledge impact my life.

yesterday was easter. i told my dear friend the night before that it didn't mean that much to me. not that the events that happened on this day 2000 years back did not impact me, it very much did. but for me it's just some sort of anniversary, for me it's not as if Jesus really died again, though it is good to remember on this day. but on this day itself, i found myself wondering if i should be out there doing something. it just felt terribly weird to be sitting alone in the room. i thought i had overcome loneliness in room, but i haven't. it just haven't kicked in. but when it did, how depressing it could be!

from the moment i woke till late at night... sigh....

it is at these moment i feel lonely. not only because there is no one else in the room, but the realization that when i really need someone, i can't think of who to turn to. undoubtedly, yes, my Father in Heaven, his son Jesus, the Holy Spirit... but who among my earthly friends will i turn to? it is at these times when i can't think of someone that it hurts me. this is when i feel all alone. the knowledge that i don't have one close enough to cry on.

ask, and it will be given. i always used to think that i shouldn't be greedy, i shoudn't ask for so much, then i won't seem demanding in my parents' eyes. that was probably my approach for my natural family. but perhaps i have made my Heavenly Father too small in my heart. like brother philip yeoh said, God is our EPF-ever protective father, ever providing father, and ever prosperous father. all things under Heaven is His. it wouldn't cost Him much to give me what i want, so long it;s not destructive. in fact i believe He'd love to bless me, as a parent would lovingly do. it's true that i shouldn't ask for too many things from my earthly parents, i know they may have to work extra hard or sacrifice something for stuff that i may want. but my Heavenly Father is so much more able. i hope i am not in the danger of sounding like i'm not appreciative of my wonderful, beloved, God-given parents. i love them to bits. they gave and continue giving me so much, i know it's not easy.

now if only they could lean on this Father in Heaven too. if only they'd allow Him to take over their lives, their burdens and worries, their fears and troubles that wrinkle their faces. oh what joy then! i want to change my 'if only's to 'when only's. i will trust in my Father, this time will come to pass.

ask, and it will be given. ask, in Jesus' name. ask, according to His will. and did He not create them as well? are they not His children, whom He loves as well? surely He cared for them more than i can ever do, and loved them more than i can ever will. and surely, as the sun rises, He long for them to return to Him, that He may give them His light yoke, and that they would find rest in Him.

hunger for home

praise be to God!

the blood contract was highly successful, and my friend accepted Christ. angels in heaven rejoice, as do other friends. and i am glad....though i am not sure how much she knew what was happening. but it was like me...that night when i raised my hand to accept Christ...i was not sure. i was in doubt, and i didnt know if i made the right choice.

but here i am now. and i don't regret one bit that i made that decision.

another day i will talk about that Mega Decision that changed my life. now i am feeling selfish and petty.
i want to talk about how much im still missing home. its crazy, im crazy, but its still true. i still yearn for home so much. i want to be where my family is..now.
sigh.

so much more to learn. i know i am here for a purpose, the reason why God has blessed me in my studies, brought me all the way...its not just to keep thinking of home, home, and home alone. there;s more to be done here... and painful decisions need to be made so that i wont be a hermit at home. yeah, some may snicker and say...talk about not going home as if its soooo BIG a sacrifice. but it hurts me, and since no one reads this blog, and no one so far knows its me, im gona say it.

i miss my home and it hurts when i didn;t go home especially that chance dangled in front of me(sis goin bck).

but no regrets of choosing blood contract over going home. i only wished that sis went back later, so that i could have the best of both worlds, go church, then home. but perhaps ...er, not perhaps, but surely God has other plans? and i will have to believe that His ways are higher than my ways, and in His way is the best way.

all to You O God i bring. and i trust this Jesus who died for me, that He loved me enough to know my pain and heart's desires, and He will carry me through. don't know how, but He will.
amen!

heart:handle with care

It's amazing how raw emotions are when tears are flowing,
How piercing every drop does to the heart,
And a simple gesture of offered tissue,
May touch the heart with such gratitude.

What about the days when tears are kept,
But the heart has bled,
Words can't come as you would want them to,
Trust in the Lord, said a friend so true.

reflections...long overdue

yesterday was a day of van-sitting

a bunch of us went for jo's dad's memorial in ipoh....we spent 7hours on the road and 2 hours in ipoh. jo gave an eulogy... and when he spoke it occured to me, so painfully, that i have not been appreciating my own father enough. have i looked at his face recently? have i been talking to him? have i even tried? i have not. and it scares me that i dont have very much time... and my family is not saved. i told myself then that i want to make the best of the time i have to love them, to show them that i do love them. all these while i seem to have taken them for granted. i hear what jo says about his father, praying for each and every one of his children, and i realise i could have done the same. like what i;ve read somewhere, praying for your loved ones is a sweet duty. why haven i been doing just that?

and when the pastor spoke of faith in the service, i realise how much faith can impact people. and i wonder....have i been living a life of faith? is the way im practicing my faith impacting people around me? i thought of ting, and how she sometimes tink i;m someone so optimistic. and sometimes i felt she;s overestimating the kind of person i am. i am not always so wonderfully full of hope and trust and joy. many times im down, depressed and sad. and i know i cant just live a life of faith just so that it can be shown to people. that;s hypocrisy. i should be living a life of faith because of Jesus, because my God is a wonderful God whom i cant trust in.

and it is this God whom i am going to trust in, for all my desires. my desire to see my family be saved, that they will come to know of this joy of knowing there is this God who cares for them, so that they will not need to worry, that they could just leave their burdens for Him. i long for them to know Him, but i wonder if i am showing them, through my life, the joy of knowing Him? there;s so many things i should have reflected on earlier....but i was too lazy to do so. and this is where i went wrong.

i can only be thankful that God is a God of mercy and grace, and that He would pick me up again whenever i fall, as i continue trying. and continue battling my indecisiveness. and being torn as to whether i should stop joining stuff so that i'd be free to go home, or commit myself to activities and risk not being free to go home during weekends, i have kinda come to the decision that it's all in God's hands. i will just have to try to see where He wants me to go and just go, believing that He will make a way....for my desires and His may not be mutually exclusive. my desire to love my family, to see them get saved, is also His desire. He loves them too. but i can;t plan so much ahead right? He can. i have to take one step at a time, trying to walk in the path that He wants me to.

and the thing now is to know...which path He wants me to walk? there are many ways to serve, i know i cant grab it all and end up just touching the surface without commiting myself to it... more consideration, and mostly prayer is needed. =)

seperti pungguk rindukan bulan=P

i did something that i cant describe as funny or foolish.

i woke up at 5.25am this morning to hopefully see the eclipse that eugenie mentioned, but i just remember waking up and trying extremely hard to peer at the round bright thing in the sky through my room window in UPM. at 1st i cant, and i really didnt wan to leave the room, for laziness n safety reasons. thus i nearly climb back into bed and dreamland, but i gave one last try at opening the windows as big as possible and trying different angles to look at the moon/sun. i kinda did, but probably due to my sleepy n blur eyes i cant remember much. i remember it was bright....very bright..

i wonder if it was real, but i was quite certain its only a dream. i saw many movements near the sun/moon (at that time i believe its the moon)... it is probably just a dream. i set my alarm at 6.30am but never woke again till near afternoon. and there was so muc dream....sigh..of cousins, coursemate...jumbles..

if i ever doubt, read this!

my eyes are blur and i think i may faint,(yesterday slept at 3stg am and woke at 6stg to finish up work)

but its not gonna stop me from proclaiming right here that God is good! yes...though i came back to UPM from home and wonderful CNYdelicacies and comfort and all on monday and still feel depressed, God has been so good to me.

let's backtrack a lil...

n monday i was terribly sad, feeling alone... i felt like i dont want to ever leave my home, my comfort zone. UpM= work, stress, everything bad. but i am here=(

tuesday i found out my marketing result....44/50 for objectiv, 26/50 for essay!! overall its 10.5/15 but i thought i had done better for my essays. after the class, i wanted to just leave, but i just had to know where i went wrong. so i asked the lecturer if i could see the paper. he said he'd bring it on thurs.

wednesday....depression carried on. i feel more lost than ever. i dont know what's happening! i just felt something inside was screaming for something....is it God i am so longing for?? then how come i cant just pick myself up and seek Him? i just find it hard to do anything...sigh. and near evening i realise what it was. i cant live without God. i feel like i could die. and it's true. without Him i would die. ikatan kristian had MAN..missions awareness night. it was much more entertaining than i thought it would be. but because my consciousness level is dropping now i would have to leave it to another day.

thursday! this is the day when i found out that my marketing result is actually 13.5/15....cos my essay actually is 46/50 ( i think my grammar is going off..more off than usual cos im reli reli tired)..there was some mistake! praise God..Hallelujah!! thank God that He made me ask, and find this out. i know i dont ever deserve such blessings, it was and is and always will be because of His grace and mercy, but His love keeps astounding me. i marvel at how He can keep giving me blessings when urm, i dont seem to love or care to seek Him that much....i always seem to stumble in my quest to commit to Him but He didnt stop loving me...sigh..where else can i find this insistent love?
He places people around me that cared for me, and i am so touched! i am overwhelmed..and many times lost for words. like now...im searching for words to type here...=P

i want to sing, i want to dance, i want to even cry! how do i proclaim His love to others? how do i glorify His name for the wonderful results He gives me? i really want to... if i dont i fear i will eventually take the credit for myself, when it is all God's grace.

indeed, how do i speak of the indescribable...as one of my favorite song goes. my....so babbling i seem to be. never mind...i hope when one day i read this back i;d understand one thing: GOD loves me.=) this is to remind me whenever i wonder or doubt. He loves me, always, unconditionally, forever.... whoa...going to start babbling again.

God loves me. =D

ramblings of craziness

i just cant stand it anymore.
i lied again. again and again i lied to God, myself.... and i feel i'm breaking so badly inside. too many times i've said i won't stumble when i'm home, i'd stick to what i said i would, and i fall flat on my face. and it hurts, yet i refuse to do anything about it.

i am tired. sad. broken.

it's 2 more days before i have to leave, and its killing me. i dont want to leave. i havent done what i feel like i should do here yet. every morning i wake up and hate myself for waking up late because im wasting precious time. but when i have the time, i dont know what to do. i'm lost. i'm confused.

a heart nudged by a dream

today i had a dream...i am not sure if its called one...cos its rather jumbled up, as is my norm of dreams. well, perhaps this time its clearer than previous ones, at least i remembered certain parts of it.

there was some sort of blood donation thingie going on...and i remember a friend of mine,ymn saying good things about it, and even making souvenirs of some sort to give out to those who donates. there is this machine to make this souvenir, and another friend, myyng was operating it. i went up and wanted to operate it, but when i did, i realise i did not know how.

after that i remember taking a walk around some sort of hall with yet another friend, hws, and i saw statues, one of which i believe to be Jesus. there was another statue wrapped up, and nearly fell, but i managed to stabilize it.

when i woke, somehow i remembered on friday night before, what jrj spoke of dreams, of it being the manifestation of the subconscious mind, and that every dream has its interpretation. when i thought about it, i wonder if it has anything to do with the dance team/ministry i am seriously considering to join. am i being told in some way that i may not be able to do what i thought i'd love to do? will i join and then realise i can't do it?

what about the statues? surely i am not treating my Lord Jesus as a statue in my life? it scares me to think if i did... and i really don't want to do it. but what if i am?? i know there is this need in me to grow deeper with God, but somehow i felt lost. how?i so fear...that i am just going about the surface..that i am not opening my heart enough... or at all.

as pastor jentzen franklin said, beneath that pure wedding dress on your wedding day, would I, and could I, say that i've been pure inside? in matters of sexual purity, perhaps. but deeper than that, my spirituality? for i know He looks deeper than it all, right into my heart.
and i fear of what He may find there.

i know He is a God of Love who would take me as i am. but would i let Him in??

letting go...

i remember there were many things i had wanted to write...but everytime i either had to chance to online or just went blank in front of the screen. or i started wondering if i should write what i wanted to write.

well let's just begin with what i can remember...

firstly, converge. before starting his sermon, pastor george prayed that after that session, we would begin to see Jesus in a different way, in a way that we never did before. little did i know those beautiful but not too rare a phrase, showed its impact as a power of prayer that night. he spoke much about the generation who would usher in the 3rd converge, but pardon me if i missed some points or totally lost his speech in translation. still, what i understand and extracted from it was that i am one of those mentioned in the generation who would witness that. he mentioned certain points and characteristics of this generation, of being passionate, intimate, music loving, loud and united. i admit i do not think i have all that. in my mind i began to wonder...am i part of that generation? still, i was not too affected by all he said, until towards the end, he spoke of isaac and rebekah.

at this point i must say...stories in the bible have a way of talking to us in so many ways, i don't think there is ever a bottomline of it. it may just be a simple story of people finding a good wife and living happily ever after, but time after time there will be more it. the story doesn't change...our understanding has...praise God...and i thank the Holy Spirit for opening our eyes and hearts, even at times when we didn't cry out for it. He,indeed, is all loving.

rebekah. a woman, kind hearted enough to water the camels, suddenly finds herself being asked for marriage, for someone she has never seen before, in somewhere far away from her family, from all that she has ever known... and she has no time to say goodbye, only one night, and after that she has to go. what did she do? she said 'yes'. her family, who had hoped she would stay for bout 10 days, asked her opinion, and she said 'yes', she'll go.

wow.

can i ever be that ready? i honestly told my friend sitting next to me, i'm not ready. i can't let go of my family. i don't want to leave them... i can't do it. it seems that they are all that is familiar to me, all i have ever held on to, they are who i love.

but when those who are ready to leave it all for God were asked to stand, i find myself standing, not because i can't control my legs or anything, but i was this weak girl who faced peer pressure and always ended up following what others are doing. i stood. and i thought of my hypocrisy.

to be continued....

what's a birthday?

it's easy the first time. birthday is that day when i was born into this world, the day God brought me into Earth, my first breath of air...

now what about the years following that? the same date, of other years? it seemed birthday consists of
a)birthday cake
b)celebration
c)the song
d)presents

in short its to make someone feel special, it's their special day, they are special that day.

turning 21 this year, on this day, in campus...i had some time to ponder. not because i'm free, it's just because i'm self-absorbed. whether its the fault of birthday tradition n mentality or the plain fact that i am vain, i dont know, but i am self absorbed.

i expected to be surrounded by people, doing something different, feeling very important, etc...but nope. it's just any other day. it's just that yesterday midnight i had a celebration with friends, a birthday cake, and 2 presents. i was so high then. and it kinda plummeted today. everyone is back to their schedule...and i'm still left thinking, it's my day.

i am not saying i should be given special honour and all. i am saying it's time i stop being so self-obsessed and place myself so high up there. cause i'm not. the world didn;t stop rotating just because i was born.

lunch!just found someone to have lunch with. thought i was going to not eat as i dont feel like eating alone. =)

i thank God for teaching me new things everyday. i have no doubt i am special, that i am fearfully and wonderfully made, that my God is a creative God. but its time to know my place too.