too hard a heart

let's have a little science class here.i will try to do the best i can with my limited knowledge and hopefully i wont lead people astray.

in dr ho's class, we learnt that when plant cells are wounded, it will secrete a phenolic compound. this will attract a plant virus (agrobacterium) which will infect that wounded cell and the result: the plant will have a tumor, evident from a bulge in the stem. ah what a smart virus. attacks when there is an opportunity. moves in when the cell is wounded and the defense is down.

i wonder...what about hearts?

when something as fragile as hearts gets wounded, do we know it? do we see what comes to our rescue ...or what comes to destroy?

its getting boring. yea i cant write to satisfy when i'm trying to make it sound so knowledgable.

i'm hurt. my heart, its wounded. so many times i've hurt, i want to cry, but either i swallow it down, hard or just get involved in something else. i didnt even do it on purpose. somehow things just crop up and i conveniently forgot to sit down and search my heart. didnt try to look inside to find the cause and heal the bleeding heart. and as it bleeds, it gets weaker. it pumps slower. the beat, barely there. just because i let it bleed.

and when i want to do it now, its harder. you know how it is when there is a wound, if it does not heal properly, it'll not be pretty. the skin would be harder, rough, because it doesnt want to get hurt easily again. and i feel that's what's happening to my heart now. hurt before, and having no proper medicine to cure it, it finds its own mechanism. grow harder. resist. don't let things touch you that easily. such a thick skin around the heart. what a fort. i wonder how i breathed.

pastor dalbir once said whatever that happens in the physical world is reflective of that in spiritual.

i keep waiting for someone to come and tear away this scar tissue so that new skin could grow again, that i would be made whole. just as what dr lai said, how the doctor attending to her wound tore away the skin that forms over the wound when it is not good, he'd do that even though its painful for her, because he didn't want her to carry that scar for the rest of her life. he did that for her sake. would i rather live with the scar forever, probably in shame and self consciousness, low confidence, trying to hide? or brace myself for the pain which will remove the longer term of pain?

i've been waiting but i've been lazy. i expect my doctor to come, kick open the door and treat me. but i had not invited Him, and has even avoided and resisted Him. how could this gentleman heal a heart that shut Him off?

why can't i just open up my heart?

fear.

as silly as it sounds, i'm afraid. scared of what may happen cos i know its going to be big. major change. and i'm afraid of that. i know that i'd probably be changed for the better. and yet... something in me fears that i won't. that i'd be the same still me. that i expected too much. and i risk being disappointed again.

faith.

i lack of it. how to pray in faith for more of faith? yet what is impossible with man is possible with God.

supertiredpurgings

jiemin almost cant take this anymore.

days of digging for strength, squeezing the belief that all will be alright...all seems to dry up so quickly when i'm labbing. when i see how my results don't appear as i thought they would. i told myself to take it one at a time but i'm not listening anymore. how to try and succeed trying?

now still at lab, trying to maximize time by staying later, doing more.... but i'm so tired. and i can see that so many people are tired too. i was as ambitious as to think i'd like to encourage them, but how is that possible when i drowned in my own fatigue?

i don't know why this work hurts and drains me so. i don't know why i can't see it in a brighter light, to see beyond the pipetting and waiting and hoping for a pretty gel picture or whatever good results to the real picture: research. the reason for it. why do people go through all this experimenting which all sounds so glamorous and simple than when its hands on.

ok.

now i see why i should write. i always seem to discover things when i write and not when i think through it in my head. i don't know if there's something wrong above my neck or that my fingers assist the head in thinking. i wanna laugh out loud but too lame. =/

time to work. to pipette few more liquids in a little tube and leave it overnight. always i've prayed that it would do what the steps required it to be done, but today, i've another thought to bring back with me: why am i doing all this?