i just cant stand it anymore.
i lied again. again and again i lied to God, myself.... and i feel i'm breaking so badly inside. too many times i've said i won't stumble when i'm home, i'd stick to what i said i would, and i fall flat on my face. and it hurts, yet i refuse to do anything about it.
i am tired. sad. broken.
it's 2 more days before i have to leave, and its killing me. i dont want to leave. i havent done what i feel like i should do here yet. every morning i wake up and hate myself for waking up late because im wasting precious time. but when i have the time, i dont know what to do. i'm lost. i'm confused.
Friday, February 23, 2007
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
a heart nudged by a dream
today i had a dream...i am not sure if its called one...cos its rather jumbled up, as is my norm of dreams. well, perhaps this time its clearer than previous ones, at least i remembered certain parts of it.
there was some sort of blood donation thingie going on...and i remember a friend of mine,ymn saying good things about it, and even making souvenirs of some sort to give out to those who donates. there is this machine to make this souvenir, and another friend, myyng was operating it. i went up and wanted to operate it, but when i did, i realise i did not know how.
after that i remember taking a walk around some sort of hall with yet another friend, hws, and i saw statues, one of which i believe to be Jesus. there was another statue wrapped up, and nearly fell, but i managed to stabilize it.
when i woke, somehow i remembered on friday night before, what jrj spoke of dreams, of it being the manifestation of the subconscious mind, and that every dream has its interpretation. when i thought about it, i wonder if it has anything to do with the dance team/ministry i am seriously considering to join. am i being told in some way that i may not be able to do what i thought i'd love to do? will i join and then realise i can't do it?
what about the statues? surely i am not treating my Lord Jesus as a statue in my life? it scares me to think if i did... and i really don't want to do it. but what if i am?? i know there is this need in me to grow deeper with God, but somehow i felt lost. how?i so fear...that i am just going about the surface..that i am not opening my heart enough... or at all.
as pastor jentzen franklin said, beneath that pure wedding dress on your wedding day, would I, and could I, say that i've been pure inside? in matters of sexual purity, perhaps. but deeper than that, my spirituality? for i know He looks deeper than it all, right into my heart.
and i fear of what He may find there.
i know He is a God of Love who would take me as i am. but would i let Him in??
there was some sort of blood donation thingie going on...and i remember a friend of mine,ymn saying good things about it, and even making souvenirs of some sort to give out to those who donates. there is this machine to make this souvenir, and another friend, myyng was operating it. i went up and wanted to operate it, but when i did, i realise i did not know how.
after that i remember taking a walk around some sort of hall with yet another friend, hws, and i saw statues, one of which i believe to be Jesus. there was another statue wrapped up, and nearly fell, but i managed to stabilize it.
when i woke, somehow i remembered on friday night before, what jrj spoke of dreams, of it being the manifestation of the subconscious mind, and that every dream has its interpretation. when i thought about it, i wonder if it has anything to do with the dance team/ministry i am seriously considering to join. am i being told in some way that i may not be able to do what i thought i'd love to do? will i join and then realise i can't do it?
what about the statues? surely i am not treating my Lord Jesus as a statue in my life? it scares me to think if i did... and i really don't want to do it. but what if i am?? i know there is this need in me to grow deeper with God, but somehow i felt lost. how?i so fear...that i am just going about the surface..that i am not opening my heart enough... or at all.
as pastor jentzen franklin said, beneath that pure wedding dress on your wedding day, would I, and could I, say that i've been pure inside? in matters of sexual purity, perhaps. but deeper than that, my spirituality? for i know He looks deeper than it all, right into my heart.
and i fear of what He may find there.
i know He is a God of Love who would take me as i am. but would i let Him in??
Thursday, February 8, 2007
letting go...
i remember there were many things i had wanted to write...but everytime i either had to chance to online or just went blank in front of the screen. or i started wondering if i should write what i wanted to write.
well let's just begin with what i can remember...
firstly, converge. before starting his sermon, pastor george prayed that after that session, we would begin to see Jesus in a different way, in a way that we never did before. little did i know those beautiful but not too rare a phrase, showed its impact as a power of prayer that night. he spoke much about the generation who would usher in the 3rd converge, but pardon me if i missed some points or totally lost his speech in translation. still, what i understand and extracted from it was that i am one of those mentioned in the generation who would witness that. he mentioned certain points and characteristics of this generation, of being passionate, intimate, music loving, loud and united. i admit i do not think i have all that. in my mind i began to wonder...am i part of that generation? still, i was not too affected by all he said, until towards the end, he spoke of isaac and rebekah.
at this point i must say...stories in the bible have a way of talking to us in so many ways, i don't think there is ever a bottomline of it. it may just be a simple story of people finding a good wife and living happily ever after, but time after time there will be more it. the story doesn't change...our understanding has...praise God...and i thank the Holy Spirit for opening our eyes and hearts, even at times when we didn't cry out for it. He,indeed, is all loving.
rebekah. a woman, kind hearted enough to water the camels, suddenly finds herself being asked for marriage, for someone she has never seen before, in somewhere far away from her family, from all that she has ever known... and she has no time to say goodbye, only one night, and after that she has to go. what did she do? she said 'yes'. her family, who had hoped she would stay for bout 10 days, asked her opinion, and she said 'yes', she'll go.
wow.
can i ever be that ready? i honestly told my friend sitting next to me, i'm not ready. i can't let go of my family. i don't want to leave them... i can't do it. it seems that they are all that is familiar to me, all i have ever held on to, they are who i love.
but when those who are ready to leave it all for God were asked to stand, i find myself standing, not because i can't control my legs or anything, but i was this weak girl who faced peer pressure and always ended up following what others are doing. i stood. and i thought of my hypocrisy.
to be continued....
well let's just begin with what i can remember...
firstly, converge. before starting his sermon, pastor george prayed that after that session, we would begin to see Jesus in a different way, in a way that we never did before. little did i know those beautiful but not too rare a phrase, showed its impact as a power of prayer that night. he spoke much about the generation who would usher in the 3rd converge, but pardon me if i missed some points or totally lost his speech in translation. still, what i understand and extracted from it was that i am one of those mentioned in the generation who would witness that. he mentioned certain points and characteristics of this generation, of being passionate, intimate, music loving, loud and united. i admit i do not think i have all that. in my mind i began to wonder...am i part of that generation? still, i was not too affected by all he said, until towards the end, he spoke of isaac and rebekah.
at this point i must say...stories in the bible have a way of talking to us in so many ways, i don't think there is ever a bottomline of it. it may just be a simple story of people finding a good wife and living happily ever after, but time after time there will be more it. the story doesn't change...our understanding has...praise God...and i thank the Holy Spirit for opening our eyes and hearts, even at times when we didn't cry out for it. He,indeed, is all loving.
rebekah. a woman, kind hearted enough to water the camels, suddenly finds herself being asked for marriage, for someone she has never seen before, in somewhere far away from her family, from all that she has ever known... and she has no time to say goodbye, only one night, and after that she has to go. what did she do? she said 'yes'. her family, who had hoped she would stay for bout 10 days, asked her opinion, and she said 'yes', she'll go.
wow.
can i ever be that ready? i honestly told my friend sitting next to me, i'm not ready. i can't let go of my family. i don't want to leave them... i can't do it. it seems that they are all that is familiar to me, all i have ever held on to, they are who i love.
but when those who are ready to leave it all for God were asked to stand, i find myself standing, not because i can't control my legs or anything, but i was this weak girl who faced peer pressure and always ended up following what others are doing. i stood. and i thought of my hypocrisy.
to be continued....
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