there's more

sometimes i wonder i'm where He wants me to be.

sometimes i wonder if truly listen, and follow only when it suits me.

i'm wondering if i'm lukewarm and comfortable with it.

i wonder if i'm more concerned with how people see me than how i want to be seen by Him.

i wonder if i have traded my self for acceptance.

i wonder if i think too much. and do too little. and pray even less.

i don't know who i am, and have i, in my quest to find myself, lost sight of Him?

i read a friend's blog today, whom i discovered through links here and there. it's amazing how God is using her in her life, and made me realise i am not giving my life fully for the One who gave His for me. it made me sad, it also woke me up. prayer is a 2-way communication, i can't be the only one talking. i want to persist in listening, though i can't recognize the voice, yet i will remember that He is full of grace, and He is God.

i am actually thankful that He allows storms in my life, so i look for shelter in Him. i hope that every obstacle nudges me closer to Him. but i pray that that's not just it. when i walked to the front and said i dedicate my life to Him, i want to live it. there's more potential released when i surrender. there is courage needed in surrendering. even to the hands of a loving God.

splash in the dry land!

lunch at the nasi ekonomi stall today turned out to be a superb experience, not found in any starry hotels or fine dining. or even quirky concept cafes.

foodwise, normal. but halfway through we were entertained with little fountains of water dripping enthusiastically from the leaking roof. on our table, in front of our food. needless to say, some of my colleague's rice had extra soup. as we ate hurriedly, the makcik cleverly pushed the table to one side so that the fountains hit the floor instead, but our backs hit the other customers.

ah such heavy rain. and five of us were without brollies. wait lah.

we were huddled close, with the wind bringing the rain to us, and one colleague fearing the speeding cars that may send a splash from the puddle to her. then we noticed the swaying roof. maybe we should stand under another roof nearby. which was fine until we saw the longkang nearby was nearly overflowing. in no time, where we were standing were flooded. i tried my best to soak the heels and save as much of my larrie shoes as possible, but unless we stand on stools that was not likely. at times like this, who should come swimming in the flood but a syringe? we stared at it, thoughts of its previous use running in our heads. later as we were discussing, i realised there were 2 small cuts on my feet from the blisters. =/ i got lazy calculating the probabilities because my beloved shoes are soaked. and my polka white shirt is wet.

the rain was relentless! we had to change positions and all but we cannot run away from the rain. so we did it. we ran all the way back to the office, which is not far, but we had to splash through eeky water which probably came from the longkang and run in the rain, without brollies. in my white shirt. aih....

back at office, we went all the way up to 4th floor, where they have more toilets for us to wash feet. ah they have dryer there too, and a kind aunty suggested i go under that device to dry my shirt. and my drowned larries...i tried to wipe and dab but until now its still cold and wet. and guess what was our next activity?

sauna.

purely so that we can dry ourselves and our clothes. i was barbequeing larries when one of them suggested that it may grow bigger, as its leather. ok then.

seriously where else can anyone get such an experience, just by going to lunch in a simple nasi ekon stall? oh, anyone. you just need the weather, the longkang and the sauna.

if i should get any unwanted, suspicious disease, please remember this incident and don't get funny ideas.

but all in all, i had great fun! i started laughing the moment the fountains came. and i think this is gonna stay in my head and heart long after i leave, and i'd cherish this piece of memory, probably a lot more than other things from here.

thanks, God.

ps: i didnt dry my skirt and had to sit on it. that's no fun.

cages we build

i realised that sometimes i hold on the anger or pain as a defence. i wallow in it and allow it to build a strong, fat wall around me. sometimes there is that thought of breaking it down with hope, that chance. but sometimes i thought i'd secure myself in sadness, holding on to it, almost becoming comfortable with self-pity. funny isnt it. that fear/laziness to change, even for the better. maybe being happy makes us more vulnerable. maybe sad people has less to lose. yeah, because they have lost.

let's break free from the cage of self pity.