strength from joy?

on saturday it seemed everything is gonna turn out wonderful. i felt sweet, i felt like i could feel the presence of my God, and its really sweet. after 2 nights of quite unhappy lonely sleep, the night where i cried out to God, i woke up in the morning with peace in my heart. God is real, and He loves me.

and just when i thought all;s gonna be well....

i felt tired again. i felt stretched. i felt headache. tired.

i know walking with God is not a sail thru the rainbows. its not happy skipping all the time. there are times for maturity in Christ, which will probably only come after tests. and sometimes i felt so inadequate, when my problems are as tiny as the grain of sand, whereas people are really suffering, dying, for Christ elsewhere. but i rest assured that God still loves me. i don't need to prove something to be called His child. i'm accepted by His grace alone.

so all this headache...because sometimes i forget. i forget to draw strength from Him, to let the joy of being with Him be my strength. too many times i want to rely on myself. i got all proud of all my lil achievements and thought "hey, i can do this". or can i? without Him all falls to pieces in the end, i know, and i'l be back to square 1, asking myself, so what do i really want?

for example. lets look at my blog here. i started off rambling. now i stop and wonder wut it is i reli wanna say. i haven said it. its like my life. in trying to do much, i hop around the places, touching a lil here, a lil there.....and end up forgetting what i wanted.

purpose. focus.

without these(and right ones), all fall down. its just like an empty broken shell. smiles and laughter, if not genuine, even those that i tried so hard to convince myself that is real, at the end of the day, felt like a burden to maintain. what;s lasting and real can only come from the Lord. joy....a supernatural gladness, one that transcends all situation, no matter how hopeless it may seem, can only come from my Creator. hey, if He create all things, surely He's the ultimate one to create joy, right?