heartstrings

heart, i have said, is the darndest thing.

its strings have a way of getting intertwined with many things, causing tugs that may cause heartache.

allow me to introduce my dog, nicky, to the picture. he very well knows he should not pee in the house. but my family has relented and come to accept he will, at one certain spot, in the upstairs living room. so newspapers were laid for that little king to do his business.

but it's not enough for him.

i was back last weekend, and we were playing carrom in the downstairs living room. he must have felt much neglected, and to turn our attention back to him, he peed beside the laptop bag. right next to it. any bigger puddle, our laptop will be sitting wet. i cannot blame my brother for scolding him, and intimidating him with rolled newspaper. in fact, my brother was kind enough to make loud slaps on the floor, and not on nicky. up to the balcony he was shoo-ed, as a punishment of sort. but nicky has the nerve to pee in the upstairs living room the next time he got in. i caught him doing it halfway! so kena again lah from my brother. nicky has a way of looking very sorry and pitiful everytime this happens. but really, if he knew its wrong, then why do it?? while my brother is trying to scold and teach him, he attempted to bite! sigh. things got worse. as much as i felt sorry for nicky, he is in the wrong. when he got banished to the balcony, quite by force, i felt so sad for him. he was whining and crying, but to discipline him, we had to do it.

and that is why i think i won't keep a dog. if i have one, other than having to take care of it food and lodging, i have to worry about its comfort and happiness. i don't think i can provide all these, so i'm sure the dog is better off with someone else. then i wouldn't be burdened with the extra heartstrings attached as well. to me, it is a commitment, and that can be my 2nd worst trait, after indecisiveness. people may say i'm cold, maybe i am. but i am just trying to protect myself from more heartaches. and i am not kind enough to give so much of myself to really make that dog's day. so if i can't commit, better don't start.

yes i have a big issue with commitment. i am afraid of it. but what about friendships and family? how come i don't see them that way? maybe it is only scary when i am responsible for the other party.

i need to take care of the dog. it's my responsibility. if i sponsor a child in world vision, that is a responsibility. which is why i'd rather make a general donation than sponsor a specific child. i am afraid of that commitment, of the thought that the child would depend on me. i am afraid of more strings attached.

yes, i know that this fear would hold me back from truly daring to love people, to care. and i will live less fulfilled. but i am afraid.

i don't know how to love like God, to give His all, knowing He won't receive back all the love He has given. Opening Himself to the hurts that will follow, facing rejection and disappointment. Yet ever ready to love again.