tending the heart

i'm sitting and lying down, thinking, getting confused. but i think it is the thinking that caused confusion, so it's alright. if i get confused, it means i'm thinking.

today seemed eventful. little sis has gone back to hometown. a part may be relieved that there is no more shopping ( i have realised i'm not really a shopper, i don't think i like it all that much. at least, i don't think so now). but i do feel a little empty. maybe i felt i have not done enough for her. that's my signature feeling. that i regret and think i have not given my best after the time has gone.

but what evoked more emotions was the fscc service today. pastor dorai took the stage, talked about hearts (again, hearts!). the soilless, the rocky soil, the thorny soil, the good soil. i am the thorny soil. i remember putting my status in fb; thorned. that was my cross between torn and hurt, but apparently it meant more to me than that. yes, my heart is that soil with thorns, which grew and choked God's presence in me. i hear His words yet the worries and cares of this world suffocates His word, and i flail. i think and think and sometimes try to depend on myself to solve certain matters, but i forget that He is here, and asking for His help doesn't make me helpless and useless, but wiser.

hearts, hearts, hearts. last week it was about how precious my heart is to Him, that He yearns to enter when He knocks ,when i open the door. this week i learn that i need to close the door to many things of the world, else my heart would be too crowded and He wouldnt' have enough space in my heart. i'm going to make Him an exclusive guest. He's going to be my VIP. of course, i need to let others in too. but it's really time to filter the guest list.

this is the first in a long time where i do want to step out of my seat to the front. and without waiting for anyone else to make the first move. thorns of bitterness and sadness needs to be pulled out. it was silly to keep the thorns that are hurting me, but humans do silly things all the time. the words that i have spoken somehow reflect the bitterness in me, and i hate myself for saying certain things. but i have spoken them, and speech is free but to retract them is impossible. i need to remind myself to make good use of my tongue, and my brain, to think before i speak.

i don't want to have the last say but get hurt by my own words in the end. and worse, hurt others. having the last say doesn't make me a winner. needing to have the last say only shows i am defensive, that i am not secure and assured enough to keep silent.

4 soils, 2 responses and 1 secret. leave it to pastor dorai to speak of soil, having been an expert in forestry. =) 3 does not bear fruit, 1 does. these are the response; to bear fruit or not. and the secret to convert these unfruitful soil to a fruitful one? HONESTY. an honest heart. to cry out to God that there are thorns, rocks, stones that is hindering the growth. to ask Him to pull and pick them out. to be willing. to admit. it takes courage to be vulnerable.

i've been living life on the surface, without any real roots to keep me safe. now i've decided, i want to grow roots. and since the soil of my heart is full of thorns, i'm gonna ask the Gardener to help me out. clear these thorns so i can bear fruit again. and though these thorns will keep coming, if the Gardener stays with me, i'm sure we can tackle it. i'd better prepare Him room. i'm hoping He's staying for good.