a cancer called comparison

silly isn't it? the blog before the previous one i spoke of God's love, the next i'm insecure once again. fickle is the word.

you know what's my hobby?

comparing.

it's not something i do on purpose you know. it comes, creeps into my head and grew as i feed it. before i know it, it had proliferated so quickly into a mass, the train of thoughts now taking its own route, no longer controlled by me. and it shot so quickly in so many directions, i couldn't stop it. it has become a cancer.

and how evil this cancer could be! even the strongest bonds may be broken because of it. it could eat into relationships, destroying trust, killing the bridge that connects people together. suddenly the person whom you loved so much, and loved you in return, is the person whom you compare most with. and with that, hate seeps in. jealousy rears its head. dissatisfaction growls. flavored with a hint of whine. and the cocktail produced is a bitter one.

i know it's getting to me. the tears are not going to wash the pain away. no, i can't stop there. the heart is still too raw, too susceptible to more infections. if i don't open my wounded heart immediately to the One having the water of life, if i don't allow Him to wash me in His blood, i'm bound to die. perhaps not immediately, but surely. i thought that if i could pour out my bleeding heart before Him i'd be fine, but it's not true. which patient can tell the physician the symptoms of the disease and be healed? even if its diagnosed, it still needs treatment. how stupid it is to come all the way to the physician just to diagnose the disease yet turn away from the treatment. it changes nothing, only increased the awareness. but the disease persists.

i'm going to seek treatment. i don't want to be silly. and i don't want death: of me, of my precious relationships. i'm not gonna let this cancer take over! i've found the best physician, i have the cure. yea, therapy takes time, it may hurt, i may not feel comfortable, but i know i'll be safe. in His arms there is redemption.