undirected

as i sit, i could just look up and smile. and bask in that glorious joy that i am loved.

love. the thing that makes one sing.

how many times have He assured me of this love? why do i only feel it strongly now? no...there was once, i remember, i woke up thinking of Him, with a song of praise on my lips, and what joy to wake then. that day brings much promises. what happened then?

too many times, i had it but lost it again. God's love is eternal and everlasting....but my faithfulness fluctuates. sigh.

i can never imagine myself to be in a relationship until i learn how to love God. how to love another person when i can't love God who loved me perfectly, unconditionally?

this post is so random. i must stop trying to write for other people's sake, for them to read, but do it for my sake. so i can write. and let it out.

i am not a complicated person, at least i don't think so. i believe many times i show who i really am, or indicate strongly who i am, through my actions which some thought i try to hide. truth is, sometimes i show it in that way. i don't open it and say, 'here, this is me', but i open it, and let you think i accidentally forgot to close it. yea, maybe i'd like people to know me.

it's really not hard to know me. all i need is time. i do trust people easily. i think. i could pour my life, which is probably not much, but it's not seen, to people who would listen. i'm not mysterious...though some think so. i think i can laugh at that. i'm probably an open book. if you don;t know that well then maybe you;re just not reading.

so many things have happened in my life since so long ago. i thought of days when i was really young...how God must have had a part in all that happened. sweet, when i think of it now. like an angel who watches and cared from afar, though i know Him not, He was taking care of me already. how when i was in kindergarten, i was so insecure. there was a girl who wont befriend me. i wonder what effect it had on me. how ma and pa loved me. how they pampered me. how they think i'm such a good daughter. yet what;s inside, only Heavenly Father knows. was i really that good? i don't think my siblings would agree to that. i remember them saying that i was selfish, with my color pencils or stuff like that. i believe even then i had begun to mind what people would think of me. it matters to me. i am insecure.

how i wanted so badly to have a best friend during early primary school years. i was on the look out for it. friends wont do, i must have a best one. i need that assurance. how later in primary school i belong to a group. i suppose that was good. i belong somewhere. oh and how drama i was even then. all the drama that happened, i was an actress too. those expressions, haha....i can laugh now. petty? perhaps. but probably everyone else was acting too. such soap opera.

gosh im pouring so much of myself out now. this blog is supposed to be secret! it should only be found out by those who really seek. but i'm stepping from seemingly-silly-but-actually-serious stories to stuff that would make people look with widened eyes. am i in for that risK? should i stop here and go to my journal instead? how long will i hide?

i don't want to hide. in fact, if given time enough, i'd have told my life story to jo, eunice, amy, yeeleng, almost anyone that are interested to hear my monotonous ramblings! but am i trying to get their attention? or am i sincere?

lately i have been more aware....how manipulative i am. yes, jiemin is not a simple person at times. oh well...depends on how you look at it. i can be simple AND manipulative. i just hope i am not harmful.

stop...