lunch at the nasi ekonomi stall today turned out to be a superb experience, not found in any starry hotels or fine dining. or even quirky concept cafes.
foodwise, normal. but halfway through we were entertained with little fountains of water dripping enthusiastically from the leaking roof. on our table, in front of our food. needless to say, some of my colleague's rice had extra soup. as we ate hurriedly, the makcik cleverly pushed the table to one side so that the fountains hit the floor instead, but our backs hit the other customers.
ah such heavy rain. and five of us were without brollies. wait lah.
we were huddled close, with the wind bringing the rain to us, and one colleague fearing the speeding cars that may send a splash from the puddle to her. then we noticed the swaying roof. maybe we should stand under another roof nearby. which was fine until we saw the longkang nearby was nearly overflowing. in no time, where we were standing were flooded. i tried my best to soak the heels and save as much of my larrie shoes as possible, but unless we stand on stools that was not likely. at times like this, who should come swimming in the flood but a syringe? we stared at it, thoughts of its previous use running in our heads. later as we were discussing, i realised there were 2 small cuts on my feet from the blisters. =/ i got lazy calculating the probabilities because my beloved shoes are soaked. and my polka white shirt is wet.
the rain was relentless! we had to change positions and all but we cannot run away from the rain. so we did it. we ran all the way back to the office, which is not far, but we had to splash through eeky water which probably came from the longkang and run in the rain, without brollies. in my white shirt. aih....
back at office, we went all the way up to 4th floor, where they have more toilets for us to wash feet. ah they have dryer there too, and a kind aunty suggested i go under that device to dry my shirt. and my drowned larries...i tried to wipe and dab but until now its still cold and wet. and guess what was our next activity?
sauna.
purely so that we can dry ourselves and our clothes. i was barbequeing larries when one of them suggested that it may grow bigger, as its leather. ok then.
seriously where else can anyone get such an experience, just by going to lunch in a simple nasi ekon stall? oh, anyone. you just need the weather, the longkang and the sauna.
if i should get any unwanted, suspicious disease, please remember this incident and don't get funny ideas.
but all in all, i had great fun! i started laughing the moment the fountains came. and i think this is gonna stay in my head and heart long after i leave, and i'd cherish this piece of memory, probably a lot more than other things from here.
thanks, God.
ps: i didnt dry my skirt and had to sit on it. that's no fun.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Friday, April 3, 2009
cages we build
i realised that sometimes i hold on the anger or pain as a defence. i wallow in it and allow it to build a strong, fat wall around me. sometimes there is that thought of breaking it down with hope, that chance. but sometimes i thought i'd secure myself in sadness, holding on to it, almost becoming comfortable with self-pity. funny isnt it. that fear/laziness to change, even for the better. maybe being happy makes us more vulnerable. maybe sad people has less to lose. yeah, because they have lost.
let's break free from the cage of self pity.
let's break free from the cage of self pity.
Monday, March 30, 2009
heartstrings
heart, i have said, is the darndest thing.
its strings have a way of getting intertwined with many things, causing tugs that may cause heartache.
allow me to introduce my dog, nicky, to the picture. he very well knows he should not pee in the house. but my family has relented and come to accept he will, at one certain spot, in the upstairs living room. so newspapers were laid for that little king to do his business.
but it's not enough for him.
i was back last weekend, and we were playing carrom in the downstairs living room. he must have felt much neglected, and to turn our attention back to him, he peed beside the laptop bag. right next to it. any bigger puddle, our laptop will be sitting wet. i cannot blame my brother for scolding him, and intimidating him with rolled newspaper. in fact, my brother was kind enough to make loud slaps on the floor, and not on nicky. up to the balcony he was shoo-ed, as a punishment of sort. but nicky has the nerve to pee in the upstairs living room the next time he got in. i caught him doing it halfway! so kena again lah from my brother. nicky has a way of looking very sorry and pitiful everytime this happens. but really, if he knew its wrong, then why do it?? while my brother is trying to scold and teach him, he attempted to bite! sigh. things got worse. as much as i felt sorry for nicky, he is in the wrong. when he got banished to the balcony, quite by force, i felt so sad for him. he was whining and crying, but to discipline him, we had to do it.
and that is why i think i won't keep a dog. if i have one, other than having to take care of it food and lodging, i have to worry about its comfort and happiness. i don't think i can provide all these, so i'm sure the dog is better off with someone else. then i wouldn't be burdened with the extra heartstrings attached as well. to me, it is a commitment, and that can be my 2nd worst trait, after indecisiveness. people may say i'm cold, maybe i am. but i am just trying to protect myself from more heartaches. and i am not kind enough to give so much of myself to really make that dog's day. so if i can't commit, better don't start.
yes i have a big issue with commitment. i am afraid of it. but what about friendships and family? how come i don't see them that way? maybe it is only scary when i am responsible for the other party.
i need to take care of the dog. it's my responsibility. if i sponsor a child in world vision, that is a responsibility. which is why i'd rather make a general donation than sponsor a specific child. i am afraid of that commitment, of the thought that the child would depend on me. i am afraid of more strings attached.
yes, i know that this fear would hold me back from truly daring to love people, to care. and i will live less fulfilled. but i am afraid.
i don't know how to love like God, to give His all, knowing He won't receive back all the love He has given. Opening Himself to the hurts that will follow, facing rejection and disappointment. Yet ever ready to love again.
its strings have a way of getting intertwined with many things, causing tugs that may cause heartache.
allow me to introduce my dog, nicky, to the picture. he very well knows he should not pee in the house. but my family has relented and come to accept he will, at one certain spot, in the upstairs living room. so newspapers were laid for that little king to do his business.
but it's not enough for him.
i was back last weekend, and we were playing carrom in the downstairs living room. he must have felt much neglected, and to turn our attention back to him, he peed beside the laptop bag. right next to it. any bigger puddle, our laptop will be sitting wet. i cannot blame my brother for scolding him, and intimidating him with rolled newspaper. in fact, my brother was kind enough to make loud slaps on the floor, and not on nicky. up to the balcony he was shoo-ed, as a punishment of sort. but nicky has the nerve to pee in the upstairs living room the next time he got in. i caught him doing it halfway! so kena again lah from my brother. nicky has a way of looking very sorry and pitiful everytime this happens. but really, if he knew its wrong, then why do it?? while my brother is trying to scold and teach him, he attempted to bite! sigh. things got worse. as much as i felt sorry for nicky, he is in the wrong. when he got banished to the balcony, quite by force, i felt so sad for him. he was whining and crying, but to discipline him, we had to do it.
and that is why i think i won't keep a dog. if i have one, other than having to take care of it food and lodging, i have to worry about its comfort and happiness. i don't think i can provide all these, so i'm sure the dog is better off with someone else. then i wouldn't be burdened with the extra heartstrings attached as well. to me, it is a commitment, and that can be my 2nd worst trait, after indecisiveness. people may say i'm cold, maybe i am. but i am just trying to protect myself from more heartaches. and i am not kind enough to give so much of myself to really make that dog's day. so if i can't commit, better don't start.
yes i have a big issue with commitment. i am afraid of it. but what about friendships and family? how come i don't see them that way? maybe it is only scary when i am responsible for the other party.
i need to take care of the dog. it's my responsibility. if i sponsor a child in world vision, that is a responsibility. which is why i'd rather make a general donation than sponsor a specific child. i am afraid of that commitment, of the thought that the child would depend on me. i am afraid of more strings attached.
yes, i know that this fear would hold me back from truly daring to love people, to care. and i will live less fulfilled. but i am afraid.
i don't know how to love like God, to give His all, knowing He won't receive back all the love He has given. Opening Himself to the hurts that will follow, facing rejection and disappointment. Yet ever ready to love again.
even when i fall
a thousand times i've failed
still Your mercy remains
and should i stumble again
i'm caught in Your grace
still Your mercy remains
and should i stumble again
i'm caught in Your grace
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
struggling but still breathing in the choppy sea
as i tossed and turned in my bed, i struggle inside...my heart? as sure as i am that we all have a heart, what goes on in that organ is beyond me. how is this piece of flesh machinery able to feel and affect us humans in so many ways? how? so intangible.
i feel like a rag doll in a crazy sea, being tossed around in every direction, my decisions swaying and uncertain. it's tiring. if those people who hear me talk about it are tired, please imagine how many times i go through it. sorry for the self pity. i have this picture of climbing up a hill, getting to the top, thinking 'that's it!' only to roll down and find there's more hills to climb. and now i suspect if i'd ever reach a hill i want to stay. what am i saying?
a hopefully brief history:
i came in, thinking this is what i want. i got disappointed, tired, annoyed, angry, bitter, sad. 'i must leave!!!' i said. yet i felt like i can't or shouldn't. looking for jobs made me have headache (ok, so maybe that happens all the time)
as time passed, i learn to open up a little, peeking slightly out of the hard shell i have acquired. things are not so bad. yeah, i'm not crushed by the terrible emotions anymore, though i do not have the passion for the job. i thought its gonna be more ok.
then i was told that my company will be dormant for even longer than the said time. maybe i need to be swapped elsewhere. good chance to learn, superior says. could be true, but in my head i remember the cases of other employees being poked to here and there. truth is, the idea is not appealing to me. in my heart, or head, i felt like its time to leave. i had the peace to leave, something i never had, even in the most turbulent of times in the company. i shared with 3 friends regarding this. i said i didn't want to be rash.
rash could have saved me a lot of headache, though it won't guarantee me to be heartache-free in the long term. because few days after that, my decision again went for a swim in the crashing waves. as i sat in the lrt, i thought i felt i should stay (it's not my english, it's my mental state: i did think i felt! i don't know which organ was functioning when anymore. yune would say i'm too analytical. true. woe is me.) i seemed ok with it. perhaps God was testing me if i would leave when He asked me to. so He knows now i would. but He wants me to stay first?
i had thought maybe that's the case. after all, i have not done anything where i am now. work-wise, i do not care that much. but in the sense of people? have i done anything to leave a mark, at least show Him in me? i felt i should at least do that bit. then i'm good to go.
oh but how i struggle now. its been barely days but i felt so tired and lost. i thought i could go on even though i don't understand His plans, if this is His plan. i thought i am able to fully trust Him and follow. i was going to write an inspired piece on fixing my eyes on Him, and knowing that whichever path i take, whether it is a right or wrong turn, His grace will lead me back to Him, when i commit my ways to Him. now i have fallen back into that pit of fear, so afraid of not being at the right track again. i suppose there is still that Regret in me, Fear of missing out His perfect plan. yet have i forgotten that fresh lesson, to walk by faith and not by fear? my wrong decisions are not big enough to alter His ultimate purpose. this is not an excuse to take things for granted, rather, really, a call to walk by faith. it's obvious i can't see for sure where exactly my feet is stepping on, but i will turn my heart towards God. Matt Rawlins once said something that i believe as, even if the decision should be right, yet we have no faith to go for it, then don't. in my meagre bible knowledge, i remember a certain verse, that what is not of faith is sin? (actually i had to google to get the exact phrase). i seriously do not know if i had distorted the meaning, and whether it is applicable here at all. also, eugene spoke of moving to fscc as something he do not know whether it is right, but he will keep his eyes on the ultimate address, the reason.
gosh i have rambled.
yesterday my aunt suggested that i quit; no prospects. she was supportive, she would me to stay in her flat without rent, food provided, and if i should need money. when i first had the peace to leave, i knew i risk giving up financial independence, which i liked. now i feel more cautious about it. her words to me is what sent me tossing on bed (refer to my opening). i thought i could bring myself to stay, yet .... is people's words having too much effect on me?
ah i want so many things that i do not know which to go for first. or which i want most. =) that's a remark to dear ah yune who always say i'm indecisive.
i just need God's peace for the next step. right now, i'm a mess.
picking up from the bed toss, as i lay there and felt too dry to cry, and thought of how i could leave if i have not done anything close to significant in my workplace, i just felt His assurance that i matter to Him more than my deeds. i thank God that He gave us families so i can relate to what love is. i knew my parents would rather me be happy than suffer in trying to serve them. likewise, God loves me, and not my service. i am not a disappointment, i am no less in His eyes, despite my feeling of inadequacy.
i hope to be steady on my answer by the end of the month. i need to note, though, that i don't regret taking up this job, being where i am. God uses every opportunity to teach me something new. =)
i feel like a rag doll in a crazy sea, being tossed around in every direction, my decisions swaying and uncertain. it's tiring. if those people who hear me talk about it are tired, please imagine how many times i go through it. sorry for the self pity. i have this picture of climbing up a hill, getting to the top, thinking 'that's it!' only to roll down and find there's more hills to climb. and now i suspect if i'd ever reach a hill i want to stay. what am i saying?
a hopefully brief history:
i came in, thinking this is what i want. i got disappointed, tired, annoyed, angry, bitter, sad. 'i must leave!!!' i said. yet i felt like i can't or shouldn't. looking for jobs made me have headache (ok, so maybe that happens all the time)
as time passed, i learn to open up a little, peeking slightly out of the hard shell i have acquired. things are not so bad. yeah, i'm not crushed by the terrible emotions anymore, though i do not have the passion for the job. i thought its gonna be more ok.
then i was told that my company will be dormant for even longer than the said time. maybe i need to be swapped elsewhere. good chance to learn, superior says. could be true, but in my head i remember the cases of other employees being poked to here and there. truth is, the idea is not appealing to me. in my heart, or head, i felt like its time to leave. i had the peace to leave, something i never had, even in the most turbulent of times in the company. i shared with 3 friends regarding this. i said i didn't want to be rash.
rash could have saved me a lot of headache, though it won't guarantee me to be heartache-free in the long term. because few days after that, my decision again went for a swim in the crashing waves. as i sat in the lrt, i thought i felt i should stay (it's not my english, it's my mental state: i did think i felt! i don't know which organ was functioning when anymore. yune would say i'm too analytical. true. woe is me.) i seemed ok with it. perhaps God was testing me if i would leave when He asked me to. so He knows now i would. but He wants me to stay first?
i had thought maybe that's the case. after all, i have not done anything where i am now. work-wise, i do not care that much. but in the sense of people? have i done anything to leave a mark, at least show Him in me? i felt i should at least do that bit. then i'm good to go.
oh but how i struggle now. its been barely days but i felt so tired and lost. i thought i could go on even though i don't understand His plans, if this is His plan. i thought i am able to fully trust Him and follow. i was going to write an inspired piece on fixing my eyes on Him, and knowing that whichever path i take, whether it is a right or wrong turn, His grace will lead me back to Him, when i commit my ways to Him. now i have fallen back into that pit of fear, so afraid of not being at the right track again. i suppose there is still that Regret in me, Fear of missing out His perfect plan. yet have i forgotten that fresh lesson, to walk by faith and not by fear? my wrong decisions are not big enough to alter His ultimate purpose. this is not an excuse to take things for granted, rather, really, a call to walk by faith. it's obvious i can't see for sure where exactly my feet is stepping on, but i will turn my heart towards God. Matt Rawlins once said something that i believe as, even if the decision should be right, yet we have no faith to go for it, then don't. in my meagre bible knowledge, i remember a certain verse, that what is not of faith is sin? (actually i had to google to get the exact phrase). i seriously do not know if i had distorted the meaning, and whether it is applicable here at all. also, eugene spoke of moving to fscc as something he do not know whether it is right, but he will keep his eyes on the ultimate address, the reason.
gosh i have rambled.
yesterday my aunt suggested that i quit; no prospects. she was supportive, she would me to stay in her flat without rent, food provided, and if i should need money. when i first had the peace to leave, i knew i risk giving up financial independence, which i liked. now i feel more cautious about it. her words to me is what sent me tossing on bed (refer to my opening). i thought i could bring myself to stay, yet .... is people's words having too much effect on me?
ah i want so many things that i do not know which to go for first. or which i want most. =) that's a remark to dear ah yune who always say i'm indecisive.
i just need God's peace for the next step. right now, i'm a mess.
picking up from the bed toss, as i lay there and felt too dry to cry, and thought of how i could leave if i have not done anything close to significant in my workplace, i just felt His assurance that i matter to Him more than my deeds. i thank God that He gave us families so i can relate to what love is. i knew my parents would rather me be happy than suffer in trying to serve them. likewise, God loves me, and not my service. i am not a disappointment, i am no less in His eyes, despite my feeling of inadequacy.
i hope to be steady on my answer by the end of the month. i need to note, though, that i don't regret taking up this job, being where i am. God uses every opportunity to teach me something new. =)
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
i thank You.
Thank You for letting my heart break, because i know You will mold it again, into the shape You desired.
thank You for allowing the pain, because You teach those whom You love.
thank You for my weakness, so i can find in You strength.
thank You for these trials, because You knew how much i can take, and through it i am built.
thank You for never letting go.
thank You for watching my tears and letting me know You hurt when i do, probably more so.
thank You for providing friends whom i can say confidently that they love me. teach me to love them more.
thank You for Your unending patience, through my whines and rants You persevered.
thank You for never condemning me to be self-centred though i keep thinking of myself.
thank You for loving me unconditionally.
thank You for Hope.
thank You for Faith.
thank You, Love.
thank You for allowing the pain, because You teach those whom You love.
thank You for my weakness, so i can find in You strength.
thank You for these trials, because You knew how much i can take, and through it i am built.
thank You for never letting go.
thank You for watching my tears and letting me know You hurt when i do, probably more so.
thank You for providing friends whom i can say confidently that they love me. teach me to love them more.
thank You for Your unending patience, through my whines and rants You persevered.
thank You for never condemning me to be self-centred though i keep thinking of myself.
thank You for loving me unconditionally.
thank You for Hope.
thank You for Faith.
thank You, Love.
Friday, February 6, 2009
random wriggles
glancing through my previous post, i realised i've been a melancholic, pathetic whiner. what a joy-sapper. so much for the initial hope of writing a blog so as to give hope. actually that's not quite true, perhaps. i had wanted to share my journey and hopefully encourage people and give God the glory. overly noble statement. which reminds me i had in my heart yelled at a certain someone for being a self-righteous pig. i did. what a judgemental person i am. i wonder how much people can read my thoughts. i've imagined what if people are able to hear my thoughts. there was once these series on tv where this guy's thoughts was audible. poor guy! people around him had to act that they didn't know. i'm so glad God didn't let such stuff happen. erm, unless if it does happen, and i was the one being kept in the dark. oh but then....i should not control my evil thoughts only for the fear of people knowing right? for God knows my every thoughts, all that is in my heart. i believe a friend once told me that a good thing done/a bad thing not done just for the sake of people's approval is not a good motivation. i forgot the exact term. ahem.
being the long winded person i am, i have succeeded to write a whole paragraph on something that i have not planned to. oh yeah. i was going to write about history. the history of my sad blogs. sad to say, i am still sad. in fact, i think i'm sadder. i don't know. i know i don't want to write any more sad stories.
hrm. i used to be able to write more freely when no one knows of this address, but now i get more conscious.
before i try to sound more proper, i want to allow myself a paragraph of what i felt. i don't remember washing my eyes so many times, i used to think i have no tears. lately, as i read xtraordinary faith i would do that, it must be sheila's words and my broken heart added together to that effect. but i even practice caution, in case anyone should be back and see my state. so i controlled myself. more so at work.i guess i do feel very lonely where i am, i don't think i have any friends, i can't seem to trust people, so i always have to be on guard. i guess it made me really tired. do you know being defensive can be tiring?
so i was mistaken. i used to think i want to be in a challenging working place, wearing formal clothes, doing business, all that. but either i have the wrong perception of how it should it, or i was wrong about what i want or the place is wrong. but i think i don't want all this anymore. in the end, i just feel like i'm not suitable for such complex thing. i'm just a simple person, not the corporate high-flyer. i used to carry that pride thinking i'm smart, but now i'm humbled. at least some good came out of it, huh.
i used to think i'd like to dabble in law, business, projects, hospitals. i didn't expect God to provide such a package, but where i am, yeah, i could see stuff like that. only that i didn't expect i'd be so unhappy. and now i'm so afraid to ask for anything, because i have that fear i don't know what i want at all. can i walk away from where i am if i don't know where to go?
it had crossed my mind if God had forgot to programme me with a passion, but because He is perfect, He wouldn't have done this mistake. so what have i done with my passion? have i buried it so deep i've lost it? has it decayed beyond recognition? will i ever find it again? i used to think passion for God is good enough, but i see people serving God with what they are good at, and i think i need that too. not only so i can serve God, but that i can live my life to the full as well. doing what i love to do, doing it well, for a good cause. i'm tired thinking bout this for so long already. the people around me are tired with this topic. i don't want to talk to them about it anymore. but it just won't go away. i feel so stupid for writing it here but it's my blog rite? its where i can dump what i need to get out of my system.
having said that i want to thank my sister for providing the wireless modem so that i can wallow here, and for loving me, for coming all the way to insist on bringing me to the doctor, which, in the end, was just so near i could walk there. but i really didn't want to be a burden to her and her other half.
i can't really write focused anymore. random things fly about, all the warm chicken shits: learning mandarin, piano, dancing, writing stories...all getting cold.
being the long winded person i am, i have succeeded to write a whole paragraph on something that i have not planned to. oh yeah. i was going to write about history. the history of my sad blogs. sad to say, i am still sad. in fact, i think i'm sadder. i don't know. i know i don't want to write any more sad stories.
hrm. i used to be able to write more freely when no one knows of this address, but now i get more conscious.
before i try to sound more proper, i want to allow myself a paragraph of what i felt. i don't remember washing my eyes so many times, i used to think i have no tears. lately, as i read xtraordinary faith i would do that, it must be sheila's words and my broken heart added together to that effect. but i even practice caution, in case anyone should be back and see my state. so i controlled myself. more so at work.i guess i do feel very lonely where i am, i don't think i have any friends, i can't seem to trust people, so i always have to be on guard. i guess it made me really tired. do you know being defensive can be tiring?
so i was mistaken. i used to think i want to be in a challenging working place, wearing formal clothes, doing business, all that. but either i have the wrong perception of how it should it, or i was wrong about what i want or the place is wrong. but i think i don't want all this anymore. in the end, i just feel like i'm not suitable for such complex thing. i'm just a simple person, not the corporate high-flyer. i used to carry that pride thinking i'm smart, but now i'm humbled. at least some good came out of it, huh.
i used to think i'd like to dabble in law, business, projects, hospitals. i didn't expect God to provide such a package, but where i am, yeah, i could see stuff like that. only that i didn't expect i'd be so unhappy. and now i'm so afraid to ask for anything, because i have that fear i don't know what i want at all. can i walk away from where i am if i don't know where to go?
it had crossed my mind if God had forgot to programme me with a passion, but because He is perfect, He wouldn't have done this mistake. so what have i done with my passion? have i buried it so deep i've lost it? has it decayed beyond recognition? will i ever find it again? i used to think passion for God is good enough, but i see people serving God with what they are good at, and i think i need that too. not only so i can serve God, but that i can live my life to the full as well. doing what i love to do, doing it well, for a good cause. i'm tired thinking bout this for so long already. the people around me are tired with this topic. i don't want to talk to them about it anymore. but it just won't go away. i feel so stupid for writing it here but it's my blog rite? its where i can dump what i need to get out of my system.
having said that i want to thank my sister for providing the wireless modem so that i can wallow here, and for loving me, for coming all the way to insist on bringing me to the doctor, which, in the end, was just so near i could walk there. but i really didn't want to be a burden to her and her other half.
i can't really write focused anymore. random things fly about, all the warm chicken shits: learning mandarin, piano, dancing, writing stories...all getting cold.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)