just fair?

justice is not fairness. right?

of sadness

i need to believe that this God who loves me will allow me to be sad, hurt and disappointed. yea, He wants me to be happy, but i suppose some lessons can only be learn in not so happy ways. why do i feel like crying when i can't, and when i can i can't? i mean to say that it is at inconvenient time and place that i suddenly want to cry. but then, perhaps at a conveniently comfortable place i don't have that much need to cry anyway.

i've talked to God and thought that He wants me to be here. but when i am here, i'm rocked from that belief. does He really want me to be here? i'm sad here. does He want me to be sad? which goes back to the first paragraph.

the thing is, i'm sure it is not God ultimate plan to make me sad (like,duh!). but people get sad for many reasons, one of it out of not understanding, or not accepting. anyway, sadness is a feeling hard to avoid. we all go through it i suppose. sorry, i'm dizzy and quite suffocated from holding myself together. it is only normal for words to spew funnily.

is this Your place for me here? if yes, please strengthen me to go through it.

uncheerful

as of today, i'm feeling quite lethargic and not too cheerful.

ever have that feeling that you're not happy where you are but you stayed on, trying to believe, perhaps already believing that though it doesn't feel like it, this is where you need to stay. there is no future or anything that interests you, nothing, really, to cause you to stay, but you felt like you should.

forgive me. one day i hope it make sense.

but today i hope to make it worthwhile. i really hope that i won't wait so hard for the future that i missed the present. it is my belief that no matter how sucky it may seem at the time being, God waste no time in letting us live life to the full. yes, i may be here for another purpose, of which one day i will understand, but even before my mind is allowed to comprehend, there is more to be done. you can say it is part of the story that paints the whole picture in the end.

it is quite a pain to be in the dark, uncertain and unhappy. but i suppose when happiness is out of the way, it gives way to joy to shine. many times we mix them up, not telling one from the other. but joy prevails, even when we're sad. it's hard to explain, i can't tell if it's harder to experience. but because joy is something that comes from above, i believe if we ask, we will receive.

i realised i have not asked.

called

reminder to self: a higher calling is not the call to something higher, but from One highest.

i suppose sometimes i want great things, and yes, He can give it, but then again i need to remember why i want those things. and if He should not give it to me, it is probably for my own good. but then, again, what's great? my opinion of greatness may differ from His. His ways are after all, higher than mine. and because He is in a higher position, He can see things clearly, in the BIG picture. so i trust His judgement. even though i don't understand it most of the time, i seem to suffer because i don't like what i'm going through, i just hope i love Him enough to trust Him. and that i won't waste where He has brought me, for there is a purpose to fulfill.

here i could write like it's so easy and simple but in reality i struggle and writhe and whine. and sometimes there are things so obviously right and easy to do but i just refuse to do it.

did i miss it?

i don't understand what has come over me.

i think it began on sunday, when i talked to charis, in nyonya colors. she was saying how some were collecting callings, because some were called but did not respond. which also reminded me what ern had said before, it is really how one responds to something. and when charis said that, i was just..terasa. i felt that i had not responded well. i felt that i have missed out on God's plan, and i wish to get back into that original plan. it's scary to think that He would have passed me by because i did not have the faith to go where He had wanted me to. it's a heartbreaking thought, to be left behind.

it was like that story of Saul and David. how Saul was chosen but then rejected. i feel sad for him, really, because i felt i might have done the same. i know, yes, that God is merciful, that He does not strike one away because of mistakes, as can be seen in His grace to David when he sinned. but David is a man after God's heart, whereas i can't say that for myself. i doubt how much i truly love God, in fact. so far i don't think my actions bore any strong testimony to that.

more is to come. my ex-coursemate cum colleague, hongjie, has seen a door open, to dance. and it is what he really likes, i suppose. how many people had such a chance? i mean, when he volunteered for events, i had already thought that it's great to be able to do what your heart desires. and now, to go fully into it? its a path that a little scary, because it's not the most common of options, yet so exciting! i am happy for him, whichever choice he may make. but at the same time, it got me thinking about myself. what is it that i really want? again, to that unanswered question i had for so long, what is my passion?

what is it that i'm good at and would love to do? have God actually brought me to an open door but i walked away from it? will He then give another that path? have i missed it?

but wait. what is it that i'm worried about now? that i lost a gift or that i disappointed Him? at times like this i'm forced, fortunately, to remember that what mattered most is Him. not the gifts or the road or the past, but to focus on Him, and be assured that whichever way that is to be will be good, as long as i'm with Him. because, in the end, all i do, i want it to be about Him.

i may be uncertain about many things, but i am certain of His love.

the needy homeless

as i sit here now beside a bloated hamster, solitary in a small pink cage, i write. sometimes i'd glance over and check the hamster out. i fear for it. all eating and lying around can't be too good for its little heart. poor thing must be bored senseless. there's a little wheel for it to run, but i suspect it's a bit too fat to do so. as it lay there, peeking out of its nearly closed eyes, i feel for the fella. but enough on this hamster. i want to be selfish enough to talk about me.

why am i located right here, right now, beside the hamster?

yesterday, i came to kl. bearing high hopes but shaky plans to go for wan ling's convo in the evening. had i been more mindful of my mum's advice, i would have gotten a 9am bus, came in time to cut hair, meet aunt, find yune, go for convo, meet wan ling and give her pressie, right on to church, then house in sri petaling, a sweet little story. of course, had it taken place so smoothly i wouldn't have thought it too sweet, just plain nice. but yet what i did not get always seem better. i rephrase, i will learn to appreciate more the things which did not just fall on my lap, but seems to be out of reach. i suppose then, that is why people loved miracles.

back to yesterday, since 9am tickets are out of my grasp, i had to settle for 11am. reaching here, going for haircut, with quite a sour face, thinking i must be missing wanling's convo while the person washed my hair twice vigorously, massaged my neck like i'm some tough kitten (i was grabbed at the nape of my neck), worked on my head like dough for good measure. then the hairdresser tried to get me to straighten my hair, which i of course declined. and while cutting, she commented on how dry my hair is and persuaded me to undergo some treatment which will take 10 minutes. i told her i was in a hurry, but if i had wanted to be more honest i'd say i'd rather skip those to save time and probably a lot of money. she went on to coax me to do other types, which takes just a while. so being me, i let her. i believe that was a whopping rm25 treatment, which really seemed simple to me. i later learnt it was expensive stuf.:/ sorry, i ramble. but perhaps that is why, the little things begin from here. and it is little things that build up to big stuff.

i called yune after they had finished with my hair. apparently i still have time! possibly an hour to get to UPM from pudu. so i thought God has heard and answered my prayer while i sat at the mercy of the hairdresser, that i would get to meet wanling after all! i refused an invitation from my aunt for food (yes, i said no to food, though many should think this impossible). i went for a change of pants (people have said i wore too cincai for convos), and approached the metro17. empty. thinking it would take a super long time to move, i opted for star lrt, then ktm, then bus. i must have been to rash to think how dangerous this is. ktm? bus frm serdang to upm? these are probably two top unreliable transport available in Malaysia.

as i got to lrt, i just very narrowly missed the train towards sri petaling. but the real test came when i got to bandar tasik selatan and hoped for a speedy trip one station down. it was not to be. not only it is late, it was jam packed. i didn't know if i'm being molested or the other way round. it was torturous.

then the next hurdle: to get into upm. i met alfredo, a coursemate, and apparently for the last half an hour he had not seen UPM komuter bus nor T416. so we chatted and i waited. finally rapidkl decided to show its face. i got into the bus and paid to the driver who walked past me. he passed me no ticket but i ignored it, thinking i wouldn't need it. and as it dwindled past south city, passing the pasar malam, yune called to say they need to leave already. this is horror to me. need i go through all these monsters to get out of UPM again? but it cannot be helped. yeeleng was in a rush, so i was passed to jo. i was debating whether to ask for his help when the next sms came: jo's car is full. i was quite in a despair. hanging on to the pole with a paper bag that seemed to get heavier by the moment. and really, the profanities shot to the mind when a guy happily crashed on me, nearly pushing me on some people's lap, and i mean it when i said happily, because he breathed not a word of apology and seemed to laugh with his friends. it's probably a good thing that i think too much, because if i did not, i would really punch his face, and i haven't look at his face yet. i might lose control if i did. as more people unload from the bus, i managed to get a sit and breath. and try to think what's next. i was really unstable then, i can't really trust myself to speak.

when i thought, ok, i'd go back to ktm station and probably go back to sentul timur. i just wanted to be alone. and let what needed to be poured out, just pour out. but the uncle driver refused to let me find solace in long bus rides. he asked me to wait on the other side. okay, so i went to the kmr bus stop, where a komuter bus has just left. metro17 came ambling by but i did not take it. in my state, i thought of who to call. i just felt, perhaps a dinner with a friend, would make things a lot better. but who? first, hueykheng. out to mines. mayfang, i was afraid she might be busy. yea, i have this thing bout asking people and being afraid they'd just entertain me though they're busy just because i asked. my dear elder sister, i was quite hoping she'd just call me and ask if i want to have dinner. all through this time, i was still torn. i was still feeling terribly sour inside, not the sour angry but just kinda sad. i didn't know if i needed company or solitude. i finally my sister, to tell her about convo plans, while at the same time hoping for something. yet when she asked if i needed place to stay, i didn't take it. i cannot justify what i did or whatsoever, as i said, i was unstable. next, aatan. she was in her house and that was near upm. but she was studying and will have dinner later. but i think i must have sounded terrible. she offered transport, called me to say she'd go dinner with me and all. but i didn't want to. with her knowing a pinch of how i feel, i really don't know how to face her.

back to the t416, still ticketless because the driver said he can recognize me, and its only him driving around here. later on he told people the machine has spoilt, so just pay and get no ticket. as i rounded the area out again, kheng sms-ed. encouraged, i said i'd go to the mines to find her if the bus passes that way. so it did, and down i hop. with a stomach rebelling for not being fed lunch and dinner, save for a big pack of Bika (which caused some nausea), i lugged myself to mines. kheng was there with a friend, chai fung, whom i have previously met before with mayfang and kimkooi. knowing i've no dinner, they kindly offered to teman me. but i opted for a sundae cone from McD, just to lift my spirits up a lil. and planned for a nice supper, traditional style at k14.

from there on, it was alright. i'm with people, i can survive. though we waited very long for a bus to take us back, though i moaned that i need to eat an elephant, though the feet hurt bad, though i need to pay another rm1 to grab a bus back to ktm station (we were going to walk, actually), i didn't feel as bad. kheng and ern both offered their rooms to take in a homeless me. i didn't realise i did not tell people my plans properly, maybe because i never know which plan would survive to the next moment. and also i did not think they would be so worried. added to the fact i was just not thinking.

that night, i had my supper of burger ayam special, and off to chai fung's roomie for the night, nerisa, her cousin. and oh what a small world, she is yee min's coursemate and boon yong's direct junior. she treated us rock melon, i believe, and had to sacrifice her precious time of studying to listen to us chat in the room. and the world got smaller when i found out that chai fung's good friend, kenneth, could be yune's colleague while they were both doing practical at the star.

it is a good night, though i was sorry i needed to cause kheng so much discomfort as i shared her bed. i truly hope i did not kick her during the night.

oh today, after going for wengyan, cindy hiew, zhihui's convo, i really contemplated going to sentul and out again for course gathering. but meeting up with lee mei and li yuin, again my homelessness was highlighted and they took me in for the day.

i should begin to wrap up these big bag of words. lessons? i really hate to be so dependant on people, to seem so needy, to hint about my homelessness. but it is these times that i see and feel so much love and care being showered on me. be they my sister, coursemates, schoolmates, church friends or ex-roomates. and i need to remember this so that when i could give, i would give. my list of thanks should come another day, i quite pity leemei's laptop working so long.

a short sense

a lot of things don't make sense, at least not to me.

does it make sense that people try to run from those they love most? cause there is where it hurts most? because there is a sense of hopelesness, not being able to change, or being afraid of change. or simply because it is easier to believe, to hope, when I am not looking. so i need to run. but is running towards something means we are running away from another thing? i mean, previously i thought that running away= no good. but then, we are constantly ( or sometimes) running towards something. and to do that, surely we are leaving something behind? then it doesn't sound so wrong. i hope no one gets me wrong here.