hope for the lost

i hope each time i'm lost, i'd find something new.

i'm always lost; be it in career, on roads, in life. but i'm learning that each time i'm lost, i try to find a way to where i intend to go. it's scary when i'm alone, i prefer to have company. but i tend to rely on my companion and let go much of my own responsibility and alertness. i will still be unsure of that path if i need to take it again, alone. but i know He knows, when to send me alone, when i need a friend, but He is always with me.

His grace is for the lost. for people like me. it is a fact but i feel it so much more when i am lost and am finding my way back. i'm reminding myself to be brave to be lost.

(there is an urge to cancel that last sentence, for i felt it may be used against me in many situations)

grapes.

planting grapes is a profession that never goes out of style.

remind me 2009

i've got to remember before i forget.

2009. if i don't try to capture the bits now, 2010 might fly by and before i know it, i'd be stumped to think what happened 2010.

so here's a quick run (i may miss some, or more) though i am dead tired.
-the suffering at s*****d. the loneliness. sadness. suspicion of depression. disappointment. lost. even anger. scanning, which at that time kills, but now it doesn't hurt me anymore. heck, i nearly forgot it already.
-the great escape. the freedom. the release.
-the impromptu decision to fly across the sea.
-the cool trip to cameron. very full stomachs. very many veges. very cold floor. very nice house. super yummy ice cream, and cheap too! and precious time spent with family. its not about the strawberries (by the way, we had waaaay more cucumber and tomatoes tripping back to us to taiping). and corn that burst in the mouth when you bite into it. ah the juicy one.
-the 1st time of airasia. to miri, land of unknown. the thick-faced tag along. the squeezing into the car. the plonking on bed of person yet unmet at that time. the mega kindness of friends of friend. the constant belanja. the dreaded incident (but timing was actually alright). the brunei stamp on passport. the sushi, lobster and wolverine. many pretty cars and tiled buildings. boon. =)
-flying with the wings of mas to mulu. woohoo! the tired walks but each time more than worthwhile. the jungle. :) the nice air. the fun guide. night walk. waterfall. caving. climbing. darkness. singaporeans. turtle cave. water. fear of the deep. satisfaction. joy. little snickers. leech :/ ern. paku vege (garlic, belacan). royal mulu. maggi with egg (checked price RM4 something?). the long walk. the canned food with canteen food. the bread and the toes. locked in the reading area. animals (rats?) running around. the identical bangles. cute eurasian kids who needed milo. sue.:) japanese guy. shirt with tag. the boat ride. =) the penan market. love mulu. a beautiful escape.
-miri to west. emo moments (seen). sue and i, the later ones. the night in lcct. the kesian sleep in the food court. the awake sue. the mcd breakfast porridge.
-redang. the surreal sea seen by snorkelling. surreal feeling. the long long journey. the meet up in kl. jason the guide. na si wa oo chi pak ban. volley. pee into sea (not me!). trigger fish. baby shark. weird fish that opens its mouth. penyu. sea cucumbers. jelly fish. breakfast before going to island. joann. the very blue sea. the aussie guy (nicknamed p**k c***p). the blue beach, it fluoresces! the bad sunburn. the worse heartburn. people's laughter. last night. hammock. the head bang. charis. cards and drinks.
-home in taiping. the work. the family. the business. sister's friend. the desire for something more. the wanting of being with friends. to be doing something. to find purpose. tears. lost, again. the missed sundays. excuses. running away from lp. fear of stepping out again. laziness to try. emerio, scope.
-and oct, s******e. unsure. just go. free. work, but doubt. load disliked. new people. new friends. =) some takes patience. senior left. seven to eight. thought: out of comfort zone. but now in comfort. (2010: soon eight to seven).
-christmas, brother's birthday. nice homemade chocolate cake by lil sis. 6@home. the rudeness. monster. :(
-new year's eve. many new friends. a lil talk before falling asleep.
-random: sis' car.

have i grown? what am i doing here? why had i wanted to be here? what is my passion?

death comes, it will

we are all going to die. but how are we going to live? that's what matters then, right?

i am tempted to think that each day i am slowly dying, because death is inevitable. each day as time ticks by i am losing my life. but then i remember that there is another life after death, so even when we cannot avoid death, we can choose to live again. knowing there is an overcomer of death, i know i can live, by choice, and not die as i live. if i die, i die, but let me live while i can. when i live again after death, i pray there is no regrets for the time i had lived before i died.

for now, there are many regrets, many things i still wish to come true. so i am grateful for more time given; to stop being a monster, to be more of a human in God's path. i need help.

how to keep yourself safe

me: i'm sorry, Lord. please don't let her get into trouble. *anxious, feeling bad. please don't let us lie.
God: then why did u think of how to lie?
me: ..... because i'm afraid. i need something to back up....
God: am i not enough?

should prayer be just one of the few ways to solve something, or is prayer the only way?

until i am desperate enough, and there is no other way, i know i will always tend to think of back ups, my own solutions - which is probably not up to His standards - to get myself out of something. when i run out of my own ways, that is when i truly and fully depend only on Him. so being totally helpless may not be a bad thing, because we may run out of ideas but never run out of God. that is why His strength shows best in our weakness. when we have nothing, He becomes our everything, and that is more than enough.

of course it's scary, i don't know how He will work! He might just expose whatever i was trying to hide, though i will be begging to be forgiven and forgotten for this time. maybe at times when such things happen, i would automatically think: He didn't answer my prayer. He didn't bail me out. but it has been said that 'No' is also an answer. as much as it hurts, i know He has my best interests at heart. (yea, i can say it now that i'm not hurting over some issue. which is why it's important to think when i am clear headed and unclouded by anger and/or pain). He would do it in His way, thank u very much. but being afraid of how He might work is better than being afraid if He might work. you've got to believe He hears you in the 1st place.

there really can only be one person holding the steering. now who do you think knows the way better? and if halfway through the journey you try to yank the steering to the direction you think is better, there is a pretty high chance of accident (think those dramas).

oh, and about the incident i was talking about? it's settled. no lies. amen. sometimes we just freak ourselves out and pitch all the safety nets (no matter how messy it is) and forget about that One who could just reach out and catch us when we fall.

antara salah & right

girls are always in search of mr. right. how do we know who is?

make them wear tags. =D

today in lift, i saw mr. salah, as stated in his name tag. hehe. he was well-dressed and carried himself well. but he is not mr. betul. =P

*if mr. salah ever sees this post, i would like to clarify that i mean no insult whatsoever to him. it is an interesting name he has. and this mr. salah is someone's else's mr. right. =) that would make them both salah, but right for each other.

in search of the S

i think i figured out something which probably a lot of people have already.

satisfaction is not in what i thought i liked to do, but that in doing what i liked to do, i serve a purpose that matters to me. this could explain why i tried to do that thing and still feel so restless and lost. i could not find back that enlightened, revealing moment i used to have. or even the joy and excitement. because i had concentrated so hard in the doing, i forgot why i am doing it. i thought the doing would make me happy, but it worked the other way round. i had been so expectant of that elation, i was so disappointed when i was let down.

but to be shoved to the dust, and discover something in it, makes it a worthwhile journey, or rather, experience.

i've yet to be fulfilled, but at least i know where to look now.

i've got keep my eyes on that purpose, the real desire. when i look to the right address, i can't go too far off, i hope. after all, my purpose is a Living Purpose, who actively draws and directs, so i know He is more than willing to lead me to Him.

doing is just the process, and not the end product. so, yes, it as dawned upon me. i may be slow, but i'm glad i'm moving. =)