the woman in my life

ma,
that day i saw your face
up close
and i saw the wrinkles
fine lines on your eyes
and i realised
how long i've never
looked at your face

i realised
how much you
have given up
for me, for this family
how we have become your priority
your heart and soul
that you would put yourself second
to our needs

ma,
more than anything
it breaks my heart
to know
that our eternity
is not guaranteed
that i may not get to spend
ever after
with you
if you don't believe
in the only One
who gives this grace
this gift

ma!
so many times i wish
i knew how to tell you
i really love you
i want to hug you
close to me, my heart
and share Jesus with you

i wish you would believe
i wish we would enter heaven
i wish i knew
and not be afraid
of tomorrow
when i know where eternity is
for us

all your pain
all you have done
i just wish
ma...
i just wish
that you would know Jesus
then all will be fine
no matter what come may
all will be fine
we have eternity

ma,
i want to share eternity with you.

s h a ke n. .. .

i am feeling so scared
so fearful inside
and nobody knows
except for God
so afraid
so embarrassed
i don't know to share it
how to ask for help
what's going to happen to me?
i thought its nothing
just something on the surface
but all the news im hearing
is blasting warning signs
it could be something more
deeper than skin
and images just wont leave
i think i can vomit
i really want to cry
and ask God that i wont be afflicted
that i wont go through that ugly scary phase
im so scared!
i cant do anything
felt almost numb with fear
i need to cry to God
i need to really sob
if i hold it anymore i'd break
im so scared.
=~(

the best giveaway!

i am depressed! or rather, was. about my final year project! what seemed like a simple experiment made me all down and pressed and icky all inside. i can almost say i have never disliked (very close to loathing, despising, perhaps there already) anything as much. i find it so dificult, i find it so annoying....everything about it! i dont like the waiting, the no-result moments, the repetition, the lab work! i think going into lab for it depresses me, it sucked the life out of me, i could walk back from biotech3 crying. i could, but have never, mind you.

so as i was walking back, i talked to God. i told Him if He has brought me to it, He'd bring me through it. i won't scrape through this project almost dead, i'd emerge victorous because of Him. and the next morning i continue calling out to Him for help. as i prayed i realise i've got to make this His project. not mine, but His. and because it is His, i have released this burden to Him. i won't have to worry because He takes it away, He will see this project through because it is His. i am His servant to do the project, and because it is His i can find more passion, more determination and more direction. the project has more meaning, it found its meaning in Him!

God is soooo amazing! and so many times i forget the littlest stuff, of letting God into my life in every situation, like now. yet when i cry out to Him, He's patient enough to remind me. and graciously takes my worries away. no condemnation. wow.

of course, right now i'm still stuck at the beginning....results did not miraculously drop beautifully on my lap...yet. though He's perfectly able to perform miracles, i trust that He may have other plans. i will take on this road and trust in Him. i admit i don't pray once and be merry everyday. daily, more than once a day, i need Him to comfort me and tell Him my fears and sighs and whimpers and whines. but He's always there. He's the love that never lets me go. =)

and guess what? He heard my prayers and i have nice seniors to help me. i'm so glad. =D yup...this road is gonna teach me bout faith...lots. oh, and i prayed at the start for single colonies, for my 3 strains of lactococcus lactis, and they nicely came in single colonies! wow. this project requires me to continuously pray and believe. even in the things i can't see. but this is gonna be another chapter.=p

this is the time

yawn!

it is the time of after midsem break, when you feel that you need more holidays but instead are greeted in uni with so much more work, most delayed from before break, and new works are catching up...all piling up high...while you frantically try to get back the study momentum, yet feel so laggy... sigh.

at times like this i should be doing my lab report due tomoro and preparing a good presentation worth 20% for thursday. yet i cant help but hop in here for a word.

it is a tiring time. but when more to feel the love of God, even in, or especially in, times of crisis? to know that in every circumstance, He still wants to sit with me and talk to me, and that i can pour out my worries to Him and trust Him in all that i need to do?

of course, having said all that beautiful things, i admit, and confess i am not perfect, far from it. i still stress, i still worry, but i'm so glad He's so patient with me. and that He can use any situation, though i may view it negatively, though by the world's standards are bad things, to bring a different kind of blessing in my life. because He knows best. He knows my deepest heart's desire. it is beyond what the world would comprehend. neither would i, till He shows me.

it is also at times like this, friends are precious, sisters are marvellous wonders, who support and encourage me in times of need. oh, what a blessing! to be able to encourage one another in the Lord, for we all are weak humans, but through our weaknesses we find strength in our Heavenly Father and through the family of Christ He put us with. it is then i am humbled by my own ability, and find that i need Him so much, and also the sisters He sent in my life.

He's my perfect Father, the constant listener, the ever faithful One. and though many times i've let Him down, i've been disobedient...He opens His arms and welcomes me back, if only i would. and i need His mercy so much, and will continue to need it. but i know i can count on it, for His love is everlasting.

may i not take it for granted!

my little seed of a dream

jie min has a dream.

that little dream, or some call it wish, is to open a little cafe sort of stuff, and sell T-shirts, and maybe cakes and drinks. it seemed like a little dream, but seemed so far to me. brother said before if i am really so into it, i would be starting it in my own way now, like designing those tees and all. but i didnt. so perhaps im not so into it after all. wil this be another short lived dream, where i dance upon it for a little while.....before i hop on to the next thing?

i do hope not.

not so much as because the dream itself, but for me. i dont want to have short lived dreams and loves. i want something that lasts. i want to be sure that what i want now, i will want it later on in life.
sigh.
does anyone understand? i guess people do, im not so much of a complex creature. in a way, sometimes i feel the more i try to hide, the more im showing who i am inside.

insecure.

i am not as complex as i thought or want to be. at the end of the day, i am just me. i want my dreams. but i fear one day when the dream come to me, i wont be satisfied. crazy rite? yes i am. many would testify to that.

i only know that what will last is God's love for me. that was the only thing i know i'll never regret choosing. to believe in God, in Jesus, and what He did for me. for putting me into such a wonderful family, for saving me, for holding on to me when i thought i cant go on. He loves me, and because of that i know if i walk in His will, i;d never go wrong.

the perfect way. not the most easy way, but perfect in the sense that God chose it, and He knows what best for me. i could fall, be hurt, face things people maybe would rather not to, but if that is His way, that's the best. cause He;ll be with me, and He can overcome all things.

next problem. to know which is His way. with al the sounds from my own, the world, everythin else....i can;t recognize His voice. ah, and i cant blame it on the world when i myself do not try.

back to my little dream. O little dream, u r now a seed. if God will water u, if i continue to love u, u shall grow. but if i lost u in the course of my life, then....(swallow), sorry little one. perhaps u shall be a dream of another.

strength from joy?

on saturday it seemed everything is gonna turn out wonderful. i felt sweet, i felt like i could feel the presence of my God, and its really sweet. after 2 nights of quite unhappy lonely sleep, the night where i cried out to God, i woke up in the morning with peace in my heart. God is real, and He loves me.

and just when i thought all;s gonna be well....

i felt tired again. i felt stretched. i felt headache. tired.

i know walking with God is not a sail thru the rainbows. its not happy skipping all the time. there are times for maturity in Christ, which will probably only come after tests. and sometimes i felt so inadequate, when my problems are as tiny as the grain of sand, whereas people are really suffering, dying, for Christ elsewhere. but i rest assured that God still loves me. i don't need to prove something to be called His child. i'm accepted by His grace alone.

so all this headache...because sometimes i forget. i forget to draw strength from Him, to let the joy of being with Him be my strength. too many times i want to rely on myself. i got all proud of all my lil achievements and thought "hey, i can do this". or can i? without Him all falls to pieces in the end, i know, and i'l be back to square 1, asking myself, so what do i really want?

for example. lets look at my blog here. i started off rambling. now i stop and wonder wut it is i reli wanna say. i haven said it. its like my life. in trying to do much, i hop around the places, touching a lil here, a lil there.....and end up forgetting what i wanted.

purpose. focus.

without these(and right ones), all fall down. its just like an empty broken shell. smiles and laughter, if not genuine, even those that i tried so hard to convince myself that is real, at the end of the day, felt like a burden to maintain. what;s lasting and real can only come from the Lord. joy....a supernatural gladness, one that transcends all situation, no matter how hopeless it may seem, can only come from my Creator. hey, if He create all things, surely He's the ultimate one to create joy, right?

what i could have done but did not

there are many things in life that caused regret. but many times i assure myself, i can move on. try again another time. or perhaps its best it happened that way. somehow, i can let go. that the regret did not last too long.

but this time, its harder. cos i know there is no better way. there is only one way. and because of what i did not do, this way was not taken. of course, there may be a chance that even if i do it, that way may not be taken. it is something called freewill, where people decide what to do with their lives, and what happens after. but i could have at least tried! this person may not know at all. he could have chosen that way. and so i know it was me, who did not give that chance, by keeping silent. for being too afraid. and there is no second chance. for one did not die twice.

a family friend passed away yesterday, at 1pm something. i was shopping in kl, near pudu with aunt. but i have known earlier that this family friend was sick, and very unwell. i knew he was near death. we even visited him in hospital in ipoh. i wanted to tel him then. i found no courage. and after that he was discharged from hospital. my parents visited him in his house while my siblings and i stayed in an uncle's house watching our baby nephew. he was very weak then. could only speak a few words to my parents and slept. i didnt even pray for him. if i ever did, perhaps a lil while.

am i so unappreciative of people's lives??how could i? though i am not close to him, i knew him since a small child, and i know him as someone nice, a good friend of my father. but whatever it is, i have no excuse. no excuse not to share with him, to give a chance of eternal life. now it is too late. i was given a chance, and i did not give him that.

children of God have a big responsibility. and i do not know how to ask for forgiveness from God, for myself, that i did not do what i should.